e Squared
Page 21
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.19
Subject: Re: Separated at birth???!!!!
Totally *not* gay, sweetz! With your new nose you could wear a frock and look absolutely macho! But please don’t start wearing frocks! Utter gross-out!!!!!!!
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.38
Subject: Re: Is this worse than the thing with the thing?
Tough one. Here’s my two penn’orth: your entirely hypothetical perp in your entirely hypothetical scenario should obviously do the Right Thing. Having said that, the Right Thing doesn’t necessarily have to be the Obvious Thing—i.e. tipping up at the cop shop with a pre-prepared confession. If hypothetical he/she is at all creative (which, as a product of your turgid imagination, is surely the case), there must be a more lateral way of airlifting the hypothetical innocent party out of the theoretical cack. Over to you, then ...
Allah and out
Brett
Horne Watch update: found five forums devoted to unmasking him. Four want to put him up for a Pulitzer. The other one wants to lynch him for crimes against the French language. Should I end the suspense and blow his cover?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.59
Subject: Re: Is this worse than the thing with the thing?
Thanks for the counsel, Confucius. Had an idea. Should have the hypothetical innocent party out of hypothetical jail by the end of the hypothetical weekend. Also waiting for word that a major chunk of personal debt has been written off. Or word that I’m about to become caught up in a renewal of the Cypriot hostilities. Presuming the former, it’s been a not-bad day.
Horne Watch: blow the bastard’s cover. Why should he get away with hiding his twattishness behind the cloak of anonymity? None of the rest of us does.
Thanks again for the advice. I owe you a drink.
Oh, and several hundred quid.
Gotta dash. Have to impress MMT. Later, pal.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.07
Subject: Montana Vita+
Att: Montana_5.pdf
Trying to get a handle on this health brief. Is this the kind of thing you mean?
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.18
Subject: Re: Montana Vita+
You might dress like a Bulgarian plasterer, but occasionally you remind me why I hired you. Fucking brilliant, chuckles. More like that, please.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.26
Subject: Help!
I’m going mad. Seriously. We need to talk. Soon or I won’t be responsible for my actions.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.29
Subject: Janice
She’s having an episode. Got to go to the GIT research debrief in Fulham. Send flowers.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.31
Subject: Re: Janice
How serious is it? Level 3 or level 1?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.34
Subject: Re: Janice
Level 1. Do the full £75 bouquet plus effusive note. You know the form.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.44
Subject: Montana Vita+
Att: Montana_bones.pdf
How about this?
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.53
Subject: Re: Montana Vita+
Now you’re cooking on uranium-235 and you’re reaching critical mass. Love it!
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 23 January 2009, 16.59
Subject: Ted has been lavishing me with love and it made me think of ...
... YOU! You should be here too, basking in the rays. Still worrying about you, man. Suspect you’re dead. Or dying. Fuck’s sake get in touch and tell me I’ve got it all horribly, spectacularly wrong.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.01
Subject: Murder, he wrote
Totally wild conjecture, I know, but is this anything to do with you?
bbc.co.uk/news
Car park gun battle
Police have launched a murder inquiry following the death of a man in a shootout in a London car park.
Police were called to the NCP car park in Brewer Street, Soho, where they found the man with bullet wounds to the head and chest. Witnesses reported seeing a second man drive away from the scene. Detectives are not ruling out the possibility that others may have been involved.
A second man has been arrested following a traffic accident in Holborn. The man, driving a stolen Mercedes S 500, had a gunshot wound in the stomach. He was taken to University College Hospital, where his situation is described as critical. Detectives wish to question him about the car-park shooting and he remains under police guard.
Detective Superintendent Leo Harrison, who is leading the investigation, said: “This was an extremely violent incident in which a number of shots appear to have been fired. The car park was busy with people coming and going and it’s a miracle that no one else was killed or injured.” He appealed for witnesses to both the shooting and the traffic accident. The dead man has not yet been named.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.04
Subject: Re: Murder, he wrote
Don’t be ridiculous. What obscure hallucinogen have you been taking, matey? Can I have some?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.06
Subject: Oh fuck
It’s all gone wrong. A Turk is going to kill me. Or a Greek. Not clear yet.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.09
Subject: Need a big favor
Hi, Lorraine. Not sure where you’re living at the mo, but wherever it is, can you put me up for a bit? Please! It’s kind of a sanctuary thing. Definitely not a let’s-get-it-on-again thing. Definitely, definitely not that.
Though a shag would be nice.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.18
Subject: Re: Need a big favor
You’ve reached your credit limit at the favor bank. In fact, you reached it about two years ago, but like the idiot bankers who kept throwing money at dirt-poor hillbillies, thus triggering global financial meltdown, I kept chucking favors your way.
I’m ending this e-mail before the credit-crunch analogy gets any lamer.
The answer’s no, Liam.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.21
Subject: Re: Need a big favor
Please. Just for the weekend. And maybe Monday. It’s life or death, kinda.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.23
Subject: Re: Need a big favor
It’s always life or death, isn’t it? Cry wolf to someone else. There must be at least one blonde who’s dumber than me. I’m busy all weekend. Yes, with a bloke.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.27
Subject: Flowers?
Flowers? You honestly think a £75 bouquet and a love note penned by your
PA (who can’t even spell. “Divoted?”) is going to salvage my sanity and our relationship? You can fucking well fuck off, David.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.30
Subject: Janice
You screwed that one right up, didn’t you? Well done.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.31
Subject: Re: Janice
What did I do?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.33
Subject: Re: Janice
Never mind. Suffice it to say you’ve served me a timely reminder that if you want something done, do it yourself. I’m going home now to sort out my family.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.34
Subject: Re: Janice
You’re supposed to be seeing Ted at six.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.35
Subject: Re: Janice
Make my apologies to Ted. Think you can do that without fucking up?
bbc.co.uk/news
Car-park victim named
Police have named the man who was shot dead today in a London car park.
Dimitri Joannou, 31, of Wood Green in North London, died from head and chest injuries inflicted during a gun battle in a multi-story car park in Brewer Street, Soho.
A second man is being treated in hospital for a gunshot wound. Police want to question him about the incident at the car park. He has been named as Hakkan Hakki.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.45
Subject: Oh fuck
A Turk is going to kill me. Definitely a Turk.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 17.49
Subject: Lost property
Luisa was collecting the coffee mugs and found a cattle prod in the basement. Anyone care to claim it?
Róisín
Reception
Sunday
Mood: kickass
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Veiko Van Helden
25/01/09, 14.39 GMT
Body art on the body parts!
I build a Tattoo Halls of Fame of the Dead Gods of Rock on my persons. Here I make a listing of the exhibitions so far:• Kurt Cobain
• Bon Scott
• The King
• Jim Morrison
• Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes
• Minnie Riperton
• Cozy Powell
• John “Stumpy” Pepys (the number one dead drummer of Spinal Tap, the awesome prog hair metal band that too many stupid peoples are dismiss as comedy laughing stocks. I ask to you has there ever been a more emotional lyrics than “Break Like the Wind?” I rest my suitcase)
• Eric “Stumpy Joe” Childs (the second)
• Peter “James” Bond (the third. I was plan to get all 21 but I have not enough of the skin!)
• Jeff Porcaro (from the underrating Toto who are in my opinions up in the top with Spinal Tap)
• Johnny, Joey and Dee Dee Ramone (I am saving spaces for when the brothers Tommy and Marky pass also to Rock Valhalla)
The left bottom piece is still pink as the baby ass, but not for longer! The big 60 trillion question: who is the next? I have decide to let you the fan base make the choose. Give me your ideas in droves. And see you in Helsinki on this Monday. Rokk till your spleen go splat!
Comment posted by Glascock:
Karen Carpenter? She wouldn’t take up much space. She was very slim.
Comment posted by jesus666:
Is gotta be da Skynyrds. They knew at least three more chords than da Ramones.
Comment posted by Necrolhobicluv:
One word. Nicky Sixx.
Comment posted by iesus666:
That’s two words, tosser. And he’s not dead.
Comment posted by Necrophobicluv:
Saw him gassing up his Hummer in Brentwood. Looked pretty fucked up to me. I give him two weeks.
Comment posted by Ho Chi Minh:
Please find space for Gary Glitter.
Comment posted by jesus666:
What is it with you people? HE’S NOT DEAD EITHER!!
Comment posted by Ho Chi Minh:
He will be when I find out where he’s hiding, take a cleaver to his sick, schoolgirl-loving gonads and stuff one up each nostril like they’re cherry tomatoes.
Comment posted bv Necrophobicluv:
That would do it. Make sure you YouTube the moment!
Comment posted by NoahsDark:
Tommy Bolin!! I wasn’t even born when he was around but everyone says he was Legend! BTW, can’t wait to see Dethrush in Helsinki.
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Tiga
25/01/09, 14.52 GMT
Good News/Bad News
Good news: Mum. She finally realized what a loon she’s been and she took off my ankle tag! OK, she had to cos it was totally broken, or at least it was after Bex got me to stick my leg into her mum’s crystal healing pyramid and after like an hour it went “sproingg” and packed up!
Bad news: Dad. Yesterday he decided it was time to “sort this family out.” Nightmare!
Good news: got a new tattoo!
Bad news: Dad’s got one too. He took me and Metaloid (my idiot brother) on a “bonding trip.” To the tattoo parlor! Huh? I mean, I’m mad for tatts, but doesn’t he get anything? It’s like clubbing, snogging and dropping acid. Not something you do with the fossils.
Good news: at least my tatt is to die for. Google Amy W’s Rolling Stone cover. It’s exactly like the one she has on her right shoulder. Except a tiny bit smaller. And one eye is a bit lower than the other. Totally gorgeous though.
LOL news: Metaloid decided to get Queens of the Stone Age on his arm, but he’s such a wimp that he fainted! We had to take him to ER. The really funny bit is that the tattooist had only managed to get halfway through the “n” on “Queens” before he keeled over!
Bad news: Mum. She wasn’t pleased. Not pleased at all! Like the complete and total opposite of pleased!! Dad’s moved out. Who knows when he’ll be home?
Slightly bothering news: my new tatt hurts. I know it’s supposed to be sore, but is it supposed to ooze yucky pus?
Comment posted by littlepinkpony:
My best friend’s BF tattooed her when she was drunk and totally out of it. He used his mom’s trussing needle and she’d just done the turkey and it hadn’t been washed and the tattoo went septic and she lost her arm. So, yeah, I’d get it seen to. Oh, and just in case anyone at all in the whole entire world is interested in my situation, I am still locked in my room. And I am down to a dangerous 258 lbs. I’ll probably die here of vegetable poisoning and no one will give a damn. Right?
Comment posted by Sexi Bexi:
Wicked blog, Tamz!! Love it, love it, love it!!!!
Comment posted by littlepinkpony:
See? No one cares.
Comment posted by Tiga:
Total duh, Bex! This is supposed to be literally anon. Now everyone in the entire cyberspace universe knows my real name. Thanks for nothing.
Comment posted by Sexi Bexi:
Soz. But at least Tamz could be short for anything like Tamsin or Tampa or Tamalada. I didn’t actually write Tamara.
Comment posted by Sexi Bexi:
Oops!!!!
Comment posted by littlepinkpony:
Hello! I’m here and I’m totally dying.
blogass.co.uk