e Squared
Page 30
Janice
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.25
Subject: Reminder
A quickie to remind you the super-fab celebration of tragic Harvey Harvey’s amazing life kicks off in five!!
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier Assistant to Ted Berry
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.26
Subject: Re: Reminder
Just to let you know I won’t be attending the “party.” To be absolutely honest, Susi, I think it’s all a bit tasteless. Have a lovely time though and I’ll see you tomorrow.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.27
Subject: Help!!
Can you come and do up the hooks on my corset?!
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.28
Subject: Re: Help!!
Just doing my face. Can’t Dozy Dotty do it?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.29
Subject: Re: Help!!
Dotty not coming! Gutted. Gone to so much trouble with everything as well.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.30
Subject: Re: Help!!
What a bitch! Foundation applied. On my way. You can do my lippy!!
From: Janice Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.33
Subject: David
I’ve tried phoning, emailing and texting him, but he’s not responding. Have you heard anything?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.35
Subject: Re: David
I haven’t heard a thing. According to Flight Tracker, his plane has landed. Maybe he’s stuck in immigration. Remember when he flew to Beijing and he had that “disagreement” with customs and they kept him in a cell overnight?? I’m going home now, but I’ll keep trying him from there. I’ll let you know if I make contact.
bbc.co.uk/news
Chicken, beef or second-
degree burns?
Six passengers were injured when their in-flight meals spontaneously combusted.
Passengers on a BizzyJet flight to Helsinki received the shock of their lives today when they peeled the foil off their in-flight cannelloni and their meals burst into flames. Six passengers are being treated in a Helsinki hospital for burns to their hands and faces.
One passenger described the scene as “an indoor firework display.” He said: “The guy next to me was a decent middle-aged sort, someone in advertising, but he went up like Guy Fawkes and I thought he was a suicide bomber. I was very glad I went for the beef and dumplings.”
BizzyJet spokesman Darren Bates said: “There’s been an ongoing issue with our new-recipe lasagne that the decision to switch to cannelloni was aimed at dealing with. Obviously, we have further work to do. We apologize to passengers inconvenienced by our search for the optimum in-flight gastronomic experience. I want to reassure everyone flying with us that the beef-stew-and-dumpling option offers a safe and 100% British menu choice.”
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 17.57
Subject: Surprise, surprise!
Anyone not yet in the Romper Room weeping for the loss of poor Harvey might be interested to know that he’s here—just arrived and looking vaguely travel-weary. Shall I send him downstairs or is it poor form to turn up at your own wake?
Róisín
Reception
Wednesday
Mood: sick with love, gratitude and squirming remorse
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.32
Subject: Interns?
I need all available interns in the Romper Room to de-vomit the ball pit. Rubber gloves and protective masks provided.
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.43
Subject: Arrivals
Please welcome back Neil Godley, who rejoins us today after selflessly helping to clear up the matter of the office thefts. Neil is joined by his twin brother, Nigel, who will assist him in the efficient running of the company’s finances.
To ensure there is no confusion as to their identities, Neil and Nigel have agreed to wear game-show-style name stickers for the period of one month.
From: Pertti Van Helden
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.44
Subject:
Hello again, Janice Crutton! It is wonderful to make the acquaint on the phone yesterday night. I am still in the flabbergast that I am nurse maiden for both of the mans in your life.
You are pleased I tell you your strapping young homosexual Noah is make the exquisite recover from his injury with the head. His memories are full return. In this moment he is with my heterosexual son Veiko making the hard rock jamming in the rehearse room.
David is less good. The pasta dishes explode like the napalm and I am feared he will have permanent disfigurations. But it is the inner persons what is the important, and in his hearts David is the special great guy.
I am try make him suckle weak herring broth through the straw, but he is pined away and lose his appetites. I know he is crying for his loved ones because the bandage on his eyes is wet with moistfulness.
What he is really need in this moment is the lovingness of his good woman! I hope you are able travel to Helsinki. You must to stay and enjoy my welcomeness.
I am now make myself usefuls. I go in his BilBerry and read his e-mails to him. If they are urgent in their essences I will type reply like his secretary.
“Take the letters down, Ms. Van Helden!”
Pertti Van Helden TheHeroicHerring.com
From: Ted Berry
To: All Staff
Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.50
Subject:
David is in Finland and Caroline is still expanding her horizons, which means, in short, that I’m in charge. This being the case, unless the matter is exceptionally important, keep the fuck out of my face. I am very fucking busy.
From: Ted Berry
To: Creative Department
Sent: 28 January 2009, 09.51
Subject:
Liam and Zlatan are on the mend.
Harvey is miraculously alive.
Fuck, even the sun is shining.
You no longer have a single excuse to mope around the place like work-shy humanities students.
This is a place of fucking business, so let’s fucking do some.
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.02
Subject:
Hi Paula
Just to let you know that I’ll be out of the office for the rest of the week. Tamara and I are going to Finland. I’ll have my BlackBerry if anything important crops up—but only if it’s really important.
Janice
From: Paula Sterling
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.07
Subject: Re:
Hi Janice
I know it’s none of my business, but is taking a holiday a good idea right now? Everyone is paranoid about the redundancies that I know we’re not supposed to talk about, but let’s be honest, they’re definitely going to happen, aren’t they?
And should you be flying in your condition?
Paula
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.10
Subject: Re:
You’re right, Paula, it is none of your busi
ness. But since you’ve brought it up, if I have to make the choice between saving my family and saving my job, the former wins out.
I’m not sure whether David would prioritize his life in the same way. That’s what I hope to find out in Finland.
As for my “condition,” it is, as of this moment, totally fucked. I don’t believe it can be made any worse by one little airline flight.
Look after things for me. You’re more than capable.
And if it’s any consolation, when the redundancies that we’re not supposed to talk about finally happen, those capabilities should see you safe.
Janice
PS: Can you ask Gabriella in Litigation if she’d be willing to represent David plus at least five others? We are going to bankrupt BizzyJet. Even in the worst recession, there is always work for lawyers.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.19
Subject: Luncheon
Where are you taking me, Jerry Maguire?
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.20
Subject: Re: Luncheon
You’re here? Thought you’d be taking another day’s R&R. I’m going out with Don and Kaz. Thai. Wanna come?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.21
Subject: Re: Luncheon
Need to bulk up for Adidas. Can you guarantee a minimum of 3,000 calories?
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.22
Subject: Re: Luncheon
They do an all-you-can-eat buffet for a recession-busting £6.99. Why not see how far you can push them?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.24
Subject: Re: Luncheon
Oh, I can push them. I’m wearing Homer Simpson brand elastic pants.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.33
Subject: I am so fucking pissed off with you I could punch out a plate-glass window and not feel any pain whatsoever
I have to find out what you’re up to on fucking YouTube along with the rest of the drooling, Web-enabled proletariat? And I’m the 783,467th view. That means 783,476 people saw it before I did. Have you any idea how much I’m hurting?
Tosser.
Yes, you: lardy fucking tosser.
And it was a rubbish dive. 25 in competition. And that’s only if you bribed the Kazakhstani judge with American dollars.
Ta-ra. For the last time,Brett
PS: At least Vince e-mails. He wants his asthma inhaler. He gave me a postbox address in Aspen. Must be getting some skiing in.
PPS: Yes, he’s a fucking tosser too.
PPPS: Just fucking get in touch, for fuck’s sake.
PPPPS: Tosser.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.42
Subject: Re: I am so fucking pissed off with you I could punch out a plate-glass window and not feel any pain whatsoever
Soz, mate, truly, truly soz. I was just about to e you, honest. I’ve had a life-changing couple of days and keeping up with my best buddy hasn’t been top of the agenda. Just one of the many reasons I am feeling chastened. And deeply, deeply shamed.
Oh, and deeply fucking relieved in a glad-to-be-alive kinda way.
You’ll want the full story, I suppose, but it’ll have to wait till we meet up (because we WILL meet up). It’s way too raw for e-mail. You need to be able to smell the tears.
In an admittedly lame attempt to make things up to you, here’s a just-for-my-best-mate exclusive a full two hours before the press release goes out: like Beckham, Kournikova, the Chelsea and Macclesfield Town teams, I’m now contracted to Adidas. They’re going to give me cash money. More of a Macclesfield-than a Beckham-sized sum, but enough to clear my debts (yes, yes, the check’s in the post). All I have to do is something stupid. Monumentally stupid, actually, but we’ll gloss over that for now.
Again, you’ll want the full story, but again, it’ll have to wait. Not for long though. I’m due a holiday and I could do with some winter sun, even if it is in a tacky Arab Vegas minus the casinos.
Which is a good thing. I’m a changed man. No more roulette or blackjack for me. Or horses. Or dogs. Or net poker with fifteen-year-olds in Kettering who play with their mums’ Visa cards and think they’re Lancey Howard—and, actually, who usually beat me like they’re Lancey Howard.
Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve said it before. Countless times. But this time ...
Right now you’re rolling your eyes toward the back of your skull, but this time it’s different. I died and got my life back. And I’ve got the chance of Lorraine. Who is my life. Incredible, innit? Lorraine! And me! Together! Again! (Maybe.)
Fuck, I’d better sign off before I make myself cry.
See you before you know it.
Liam
PS: Must say I didn’t find the Vince-in-India story credible. The Vince we know would only check into an ashram if it had slot machines, cable porn and a vodka bar. Aspen makes much more sense. American portions of red meat, regular sightings of Don Johnson and God’s finest white powder (snow, I mean). But do you think Princess Jaz’s full Arab wrap works on skis? She might be able to pull it off on a snowboard, mind.
PPS: Have to say you’re wrong about the dive. At least a 50 in competition.
PPPS: Vaguely recall telling you I loved you in my last e. I meant it. There you fucking go: proper man tears. Pass the Kleenex, nurse.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.43
Subject: I’m not saying we’re back together ...
... but if/when you get your contractual meeting with Anna Kournikova, if you so much as glance at her (and you know what I mean by glance), you can forget any real or theoretical chance we have of reconciliation.
Fancy grabbing a bite after work?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.51
Subject: Re: I’m not saying we’re back together ...
As if I would indulge in any glancing. Well, the old me certainly would have. But this is the new (and very much improved) me. Just you wait and see.
Dinner sounds excellent. I’ve booked us into Porky Pizza in Leicester Sq. They do a recession-busting 36-inch American Hot for £24.99.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.52
Subject: Re: I’m not saying we’re back together ...
Yeah, the new, improved supersize you. I’m worried about that. Adidas want an “everyman body shape.” Not sure that means fat bastard.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.58
Subject:
Fancy returning my Chipperfield’s circus crane, you thieving twat scum? And while you’re at it, you can round up the shirking dead bastard Harvey and show me what you’ve done on Ketel One. And it had better be very fucking excellent. For some unfathomable reason David believes the sun shines out of your arse, but you’ll have to go a long, long way to impress me. An actual solar flare bursting from your actual anal sphincter might just do it, but don’t fucking count on it.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey