“I’m sorry.” A heavy sigh seeped out of Joseph, so different from his usual goofball self that it made Ava’s heart ache. “I shouldn’t have told you.”
“No.” Ava let herself touch the back of his hand for a moment. “I’m glad you did.”
Even if she had no idea what to do with it.
Chapter 21
“Good morning.” Aunt Lori was whistling as she wiped down the counter Sunday morning. “I just put a roast in the slow cooker for tonight. Michael’s coming for dinner.”
That made the third time in the past week. Not that Ava minded. Mr. Germain was kind and funny and obviously deliriously in love with Aunt Lori.
Love.
The word rattled her. It was the same word Joseph had used last night.
“Why didn’t you tell me Joseph was the one who saved me?”
Aunt Lori stopped wiping the counter and dried her hands against her shirt. “I didn’t know at first. No one seemed to.”
Ava ran a finger over the scar lines on her hand. “At first?”
Lori shrugged. “One of the kids who was at the party told me a couple months later. But by then, you two had already broken up, and it seemed cruel to tell you.” She frowned. “I always did mean to thank him for that, but I was too mad at him for the way he left. I guess I owe him an apology.”
“Oh.” Ava wasn’t sure what else to say, except that she supposed she did too.
“Are you going to church?” Lori gestured to the ankle-length blue dress Ava had chosen this morning. “Or do you have a date?”
“Definitely not a date,” Ava said dryly. “I thought I might try to go to church.” The more time she’d spent reading her Bible, the more she’d realized how much she hungered for God’s Word. And how much she missed going to church. “Do you want to come with me?” She knew the question was pointless, but still, you never knew what might happen.
Lori’s head shake was instant, just as Ava had known it would be.
“I’ll see you later then.” But as she turned toward the door, the question she’d wanted to ask a thousand times as a kid wouldn’t leave her alone. “Why don’t you ever go to church?”
Lori started emptying the dishwasher, and Ava was sure her aunt was going to blow her off. But then Lori said, “I don’t like feeling not good enough.”
“What do you mean?” Ava tilted her head, studying her aunt, trying to understand.
Aunt Lori sighed. “You don’t remember your grandparents.”
Ava shook her head. Her grandfather had died before Ava was born, her grandmother when Ava was only a year old.
“They were really strict. And really critical,” Lori continued. “If I put one toe out of line, they jumped all over me and told me how evil and wicked I was. So I don’t really feel like going to church and hearing what a bad person I am all over again.”
Ava swallowed. That wasn’t her experience of church at all. But who was she to talk? She hadn’t been to church in years.
Still, she should know how to respond to that. “Well,” she said lamely, “If you ever change your mind . . .”
Lori smiled at her. “Not likely. Now go, before you’re late.”
Ava hesitated a second longer, then stepped out the front door, ordering an offended-looking Griffin to stay. The morning was cool, a light fog wrapping the trees in a gossamer veil.
Ava pulled in a long breath, catching a hint of dried leaves and earth.
Was she ready for this?
Only one way to find out.
She got into her vehicle and headed for town, trying not to relive those moments at the pier last night. Trying not to see the fear in Joseph’s eyes as he’d talked about seeing her on fire. Trying not to hear the brokenness in his voice when he’d relived the way she’d sent him away.
Had it been a mistake? Should she have let him stay, let him be with her through those terrible days? Let him see her at her worst?
She shook her head as she slowed for a stop sign. That would have been selfish. It was better this way, letting him go. Letting him find someone else―someone whole.
He didn’t find someone else. The thought that had been hanging on the fringes of her hopes sneaked past the barrier she’d tried to erect. He came back.
Ava sighed as she pulled into the parking lot of Beautiful Savior. Thinking like this wasn’t going to get her anywhere.
It wasn’t until she’d parked and turned off the car and started walking toward the door that she noticed all the people. So many people.
She froze right there in the middle of the sidewalk.
She couldn’t go forward.
She couldn’t turn around and flee.
Her heart thundered in her throat, and her breath sliced her chest in short, sharp gasps.
If she went in there, she was going to have another panic attack for sure.
Somewhere in the distance, she thought she heard someone call her name. But she couldn’t turn her head to look. She tried to concentrate on breathing, the way her counselor had taught her. But her chest was too tight, her lungs too small. She was going to suffocate right here in front of church.
“Ava.” Someone said her name again, closer, and then Joseph’s face swam into view. “I’m so glad you― Are you okay?” Warm hands clasped around her icy ones. “What can I do?”
“I can’t―” she gasped out. “Breathe.”
“Yes you can.” Joseph’s hands tightened around hers. “We can breathe together.” He sucked in a loud breath, then blew it out through his mouth.
Ava focused on the sound, on the up and down of his shoulders, on the calm reflecting from him. After a moment, she felt her inhales and exhales matching his.
“Good.” His eyes were locked on hers, his breaths still audible.
They were still breathing in tandem as the church bell chimed from the steeple.
Ava glanced over Joseph’s shoulder as the panic pushed forward again.
“Hey, look at me.” Joseph shifted so his face was in front of hers again. “Don’t worry about the bell. We’ll go in when you’re ready. Or we won’t. It’s completely up to you.”
Ava pulled in a few more breaths, each one coming more easily than the last.
Finally, she let out a long exhale. “I think I’m ready.”
“We don’t have to.” Joseph stepped closer to her. “We can try again another time.”
But she shook her head. For some reason she couldn’t explain, the near panic attack had left her wanting to go inside even more. Or maybe it was knowing Joseph would be with her.
Joseph let go of one of her hands but kept his grip firmly on the other as he pivoted to stand next to her.
Ava tried to tell herself to pull her hand away. But right now, she needed every ounce of strength he could lend her.
When they reached the church doors, he turned to her. “What made you come today?”
She glanced at the stained glass window above the door, considering. “I felt like I needed . . . something.” She wished she could explain it better than that, but Joseph’s smile was understanding.
“I have a feeling this is the place to find it.” He ushered her inside, where the congregation was already singing the first hymn.
Ava’s eyes went to the packed sanctuary, and she had to fight off a renewed flare of panic. She’d forgotten that the Calvanos always sat in the third pew from the front.
“How about we sit in the balcony?” Joseph leaned closer, his whisper fluttering a strand of her hair. “There’s never anyone up there.”
“What about your family?” If there was one thing the Calvanos were known for, it was that they were a close-knit family. She’d always loved sitting with them at church, feeling like she belonged with them. But today, the thought of walking up there, past all those people . . . she just couldn’t.
“They’ll be fine without me. Come on.” He tugged her toward the left side of the entryway, where stairs led up to a small balcony.
He wa
s right―they were the only ones up there, aside from the organist. As they sat, Joseph readjusted his grip so that their fingers interlocked. Ava clutched his hand tighter as the song came to an end and Pastor Calvano began the first Scripture reading. As the service went on, she found herself relaxing. The flow of the service―the readings, the prayers, the songs―was familiar and brought a kind of comfort she hadn’t experienced in a long time.
When Pastor Calvano moved to the pulpit to deliver the sermon, Ava let herself sit back, her shoulder lightly brushing Joseph’s. Even as a kid she’d always loved listening to Pastor Calvano as he preached, the lilting up and down of his words seeming to wrap her up in God’s love as he spoke.
She wondered if it was possible to feel that way again. Or were things too different now? Was she too different now?
“Children of God,” Pastor Calvano began, and Ava smiled at the familiar greeting he’d used for every sermon she’d ever heard him preach. “How do you feel about having your picture taken?” He glanced around the church as a few people groaned.
Ava was torn. She refused to have her own picture taken―for obvious reasons―but her livelihood depended on others wanting to have photos of themselves and their loved ones.
“I only ask,” Pastor Calvano continued, “because family picture day was always my wife’s favorite day. Mine, not so much. Which is probably why I’ve put off getting them done since she went home to the Lord.”
Ava squeezed Joseph’s hand tighter, regretting once again that she hadn’t been there for him through that.
“But when my son came to me last week and said we should get some new family pictures taken, I reluctantly agreed.”
Ava leaned closer to Joseph. “Which son?”
He shrugged but grinned a little.
“You? Why?” Everyone knew Joseph hated having his picture taken.
This time he looked at her full on, and she saw the answer in his eyes. He had wanted to spend time with her.
She swallowed and turned her attention back to the sermon.
“We had a great photographer,” Pastor Calvano was saying, and Ava could have sworn he looked up into the balcony for a second. She ducked her head as Joseph nudged her shoulder.
“But―” Pastor Calvano held up a hand. “I can tell you that there’s one thing about those pictures I’m not going to like. Wouldn’t like no matter who took them.”
Ava stiffened. He hadn’t even seen the images yet. How could he know he wouldn’t like them?
Pastor Calvano patted his somewhat rounded middle. “They’re going to show this.”
Ava relaxed as a laugh sounded through the congregation. That she couldn’t be blamed for, though she’d done her best to pose him in ways that minimized his tummy somewhat.
“I’m hoping maybe she can do some magic with Photoshop to make me look better. Maybe give me a body-builder body.” He lifted an arm to make a muscle, and next to her Joseph groaned quietly, whispering, “Really, Dad?”
Now it was Ava’s turn to nudge him. No matter how much he complained, she knew he secretly loved it when his daddy acted all embarrassing for the sake of the Gospel.
“What about you?” Pastor Calvano continued. “What do you see when you look at a picture of yourself? Do you see your wrinkles, maybe your thinning hair?” He patted his own sparse follicles. “Your scars?”
Ava sucked in a breath. In her case, they were hard to miss.
“And those are just the physical imperfections,” Pastor Calvano added. “We can go deeper too. What about mental imperfections? Are you bad at math? A terrible speller? Not so great at geography?”
Ava turned to make a face at Joseph, who had once thought Tennessee was its own country. He stuck his tongue out at her.
“And let’s go deeper still,” Pastor Calvano was saying. “How about the spiritual imperfections? Is all you see when you look at yourself your sins? All the times you’ve done what you know is wrong? The times you’ve failed to do what was right?”
Pastor Calvano paused, letting it sink in.
“Makes a pretty ugly picture, doesn’t it?” This time his pause was longer, and Ava shifted in her seat.
“You ever wonder why God chose you?” Pastor Calvano went on. “I mean, surely there are people out there who are prettier, smarter, kinder, better than you, right?”
Ava didn’t mean to scan the congregation below. Didn’t mean for her eyes to fall on the back of Madison’s head. She looked away.
“I mean, he’s God,” Pastor Calvano continued. “He could have anyone he wants. So why would he pursue you? Why would he want me, with all my faults and failures, my flabby abs and bald head and terrible spelling and filthy sins?”
Pastor Calvano paused, and a shiver went through Ava. Joseph’s hand moved in hers, lacing her fingers tighter.
“Oh beloved,” Pastor Calvano’s voice was tender. “Don’t you see? God doesn’t love you in spite of all of those things. He loves you because he has erased all of those things. He didn’t just go in with Photoshop and touch you up a little here and a little there. No, he changed your whole picture with the blood of Jesus. He has erased every last trace of sin, every last imperfection, and he has made you perfect in him.” Pastor Calvano’s words struck at Ava.
Perfect was not a concept she understood anymore.
“The next time you look at a picture of yourself,” Pastor Calvano said, “do me a favor and see it as God does―an image of his masterpiece, redeemed from sin, created to love and serve him. ‘Like clay in the hand of the potter, so you are in my hand,’ God says. Remember that. Amen.”
It took Ava a moment to realize that Joseph was tugging her to her feet as the congregation stood to pray. She closed her eyes and tried to pay attention to the prayer. But her thoughts were stuck on that image. Clay in the hands of a potter.
The only problem was, clay broke, just like that pot she had made in VBS.
And though Joseph may have glued the clay pot back together, she wasn’t sure there was anything that would ever be able to restore her broken pieces.
Joseph made himself let go of Ava’s hand as the church service ended. He had wanted it to go on forever, not only because it gave him an excuse to hold Ava’s hand but because he had felt the message working in her―felt the way she had relaxed when his dad talked about God wanting each and every one of them. Now if only she could see that Joseph wanted her too. That he loved her too.
“Ready to go?” he asked reluctantly.
Ava’s gaze drifted to the pews below, to the people filing slowly out of the church, stopping to laugh and chat with each other.
“I’m sorry.” She ducked her head. “I know it’s silly, but . . . Would you mind if we waited until it clears out a little?”
Mind spending a few more minutes with her?
No, in fact, he did not mind that at all.
“We can wait.” He leaned back in his seat, debating whether he should tell her the words he’d stayed up all night rehearsing.
“Look, Ava.” He sat forward suddenly, making her jump. “I’m sorry. About last night. I never should have told you. I just . . .”
He had just needed her to know that that night at the bonfire hadn’t affected only her. That it had hurt him more than he could say to see her go through that and then to have her push him away.
But maybe that had been selfish. She clearly carried her own scars from that day―and not only on her skin. She shouldn’t have to carry his too.
She didn’t look at him but peered across the church toward the cross that hung above the altar. “I needed to know. I’m glad you told me.”
“Is that why you ran away?” When he’d put his heart right out there.
She turned to him, her expression surprised. “I wasn’t running away. I was . . . processing some things. It was a lot to take in.” She pushed to her feet, gesturing to the empty sanctuary below. “I think we can go now.”
Joseph followed, trying to decide how much tim
e she was going to need to process and whether she could eat lunch while doing it.
He was about to ask her when Dad appeared at the bottom of the steps.
“Ava.” Dad’s voice was warm. “It’s so good to see you here. I hope I didn’t offend you, talking about pictures like that.”
Ava’s laugh was equally warm. “I wasn’t offended at all. You gave me a lot to think about.”
“I find God’s Word always does.” Dad loosened his tie. “You should come by for lunch.”
Joseph hid a grin. Sometimes he really loved his dad.
“Oh, I couldn’t,” Ava protested. “You just fed me last night.”
Dad shrugged. “Well, I have it on good authority that there are plenty of moon pies left, but if you don’t want any . . .”
“All right. All right.” Ava held up her hands. “You Calvanos are terrible. You know all my weaknesses.”
“Maybe.” Dad winked at her. “But we’d only ever use them for good. Right, Joseph?”
Joseph nodded. “Yes, sir.” As long as good meant him and Ava together, he was in complete agreement.
Chapter 22
“Nervous, girl?” Joseph rubbed behind Tasha’s ears as the Samoyed panted up at him after their run Saturday morning, while Princess explored the flower bed nearby.
Today was the day of the big test. Ava would be here in a few minutes, along with her friend who tested therapy dogs for licensing.
But it wasn’t the test Joseph was nervous about.
After lunch last Sunday, he’d convinced Ava to work with him and Tasha―and she’d come over Tuesday night and Thursday night to work some more.
So he was confident that Tasha was ready.
What he was less confident about was where he stood with Ava. She wasn’t as standoffish as she’d been in the beginning―and every once in a while, he almost thought he saw a longing for more in her gaze. But then it would pass, and she would retreat. At this rate, they’d both be in a nursing home before she was willing to date him again.
It'd be worth the wait.
Unless she never says yes.
That wasn’t a possibility he was willing to consider.
Pieces of Forever: A Christian Romance (River Falls Book 1) Page 11
