“Or with your hand?” I ask, feeling bold in this private darkness of ours. Noah doesn't answer right away, wading to the edge of the pond and pushing up out of the water. I can feel his muscles straining against my naked body, emphasizing the parts where he's hard and I'm soft. He grunts and his breathing picks up, but he doesn't stumble or drop me into the mud.
I grin at him, wondering if he can see the expression now that the clouds have just shifted over the moon.
“With my hand,” he whispers, dropping to his knees in the muddy grass. Oh God, this is going to be messy. “To thoughts of you.”
Noah pushes me onto my back, sliding his mouth over mine before I can comment on that and ruin the moment. I'm good at that, I guess. And I guess he's good at stopping me from doing it. Does that make us a good couple?
I spread my legs and arch my back as Noah thrusts into me again, fucking me just like I asked. He doesn't move slow and gentle like he did last year when I let him screw away his sorrows. No. The Noah I roused from the bed of the lake is wild, doesn't stop to ask me if I like what he's doing. He doesn't need to; I'm sure he can tell.
I scrape my nails down his bare back, rock my hips up to meet his thrusts, and savor the taste of rain and mud and little bits of grass that somehow manage to find their way into our mouths. Each thrust of his hips sinks my ass into the wet dirt as he holds my wrists down and keeps me from fighting what I so desperately want. Him. I just want him. Why can't I let myself have this?
I groan into Noah's mouth, arching my back so that the length of my body presses up against his, my breasts smashing into his chest, our rock hard nipples grinding against one another. Noah releases my wrists abruptly, lets me grab onto his hair and pull at his face while he wraps his arms around me and comes inside my heat as I thrash against him, desperate for more, more, more.
When he stops kissing me and sits up, I have to bite my lip to keep from screaming.
“I love you, Zella,” he repeats yet again. I have yet to say it back. Noah makes eye contact with me as he pulls out and switches his cock for his hand, fingers plunging into my heat as he holds my body tight with one arm and fucks me with the other, bringing me to a climax that shatters my spirit and smashes my heart into pieces.
16
Noah and I sneak back into the house via the game room and struggle to pull on our discarded clothes before anyone finds us there, naked and panting, skin flushed with the heat of sex. My body is so alive, so electrified, that every touch, every scrape of clothing across my skin hurts.
I notice that while my clothes are mostly dry, his are sopping wet.
“Poor planning, I see,” I say, sticking my tongue out at him and feeling my heart pound in response to the smile he throws back at me. As soon as he gets his sweats on, he's moving across the room and sweeping an arm around my waist. I try not to swoon, but I'm not sure if I manage.
“I was too busy thinking about you to care about my clothes,” he tells me, his breath warm against my neck. I let my head fall back, let him kiss the hollow of my throat with his full lips.
“Hot damn and holy tamale,” Ty McCabe says, scaring the crap out of us both. We jump guiltily and split apart like two teenagers caught necking in the backseat of their car. My sister's husband smiles at us and uses his foot to distract a little one from stumbling into the room. Noah scrambles to grab his shirt and tug it over his head while I stand there with my mouth hanging open and a blush coloring my cheeks.
What did … did that just happen? The giggling and the friendly remarks we were tossing at each other as we scrambled up to the house in a desperate attempt to share the towel I brought, go out the window. I look at Ty McCabe looking at me and I know he knows. He winks at me and my blush intensifies.
“Don't do that,” I whisper, tucking some wet strands of hair behind my hair. “That's just creepy. Go find your wife and bother her.” Ty chuckles and shakes his head, looking between me and Noah with an amused expression teasing his lips.
“You want me to distract the fam, so you two can sneak upstairs without marching the walk of shame?”
“I'm not ashamed,” Noah states firmly, his voice a shade darker than it was a moment ago. I glance over at him, but he's not looking at me. He's staring straight at Ty. “I'm not ashamed,” he repeats, more softly this time. The smile climbs back onto his face. “But if you could distract everyone, I'd owe you one.” Noah glances over at me. “I don't think I feel like answering any questions about why my clothes are all wet, especially not from anyone under the age of eighteen.” I laugh softly, a feminine lilt to my voice that keeps my blush from fading away. Crap. Get it together, Zella. My brain is scrambling to take back control of my body, to pick apart what just happened and analyze it like I always do.
“Got it,” Ty says, grabbing Darla around the middle as she attempts to weasel past him. He throws her over his shoulder while she bursts into a giggling fit, and then disappears, leaving the door cracked open behind him.
“Ready to make a run for it?” Noah asks as he moves up beside me and breaths against the back of my scalp. His breath is torturous, turning my insides into a tumultuous mess of butterflies and angst. He doesn't know that Tobias is still here, that he's spending the night. That's going to be a fun bit of information to relay.
“Ready,” I whisper, letting him guide me out of the room and up the stairs. Noise and laughter explodes from the kitchen as we sneak carefully into the living room and around the staircase, up the steps and straight down and to the right, stopping at Noah's door. He opens it for me and sweeps in after, locking it behind him.
I stand there paralyzed for a moment, frozen in the sudden light and warmth of his bedroom, the rumpled sheets of the bed like a calling card, promising all sorts of great adventures if I were to simply climb between them.
Noah scoots past me, planting a kiss on the back of my neck and disappearing into the bathroom. A moment later, I hear the wet plop of his clothes hitting the floor before he peeks around the corner at me.
“Did you want to shower with me?” he asks, his voice warm and loving, almost … possessive. But in a good way, like I'm his and he's mine. Fuck. I start to get cold feet – ironic that, considering they were almost literally frozen in that lake. I smile softly and shake my head, feeling wet strands of hair slap my cheeks. There's mud in my ass crack, bits of debris tangled in my hair, and dirt wedged under my fingernails. A shower is exactly what I need, but I can't bring myself to climb in there with him. “You'll be here when I get out though, right?” he asks, cutting off my escape route. I look into his blue eyes and can barely think past the memories of his body moving inside of mine. Thank God I'm on the pill. The last thing this family needs is more babies.
“I'll be here,” I whisper back, my voice cracking a little. If Noah notices, he doesn't say anything, and I watch as he retreats inside the steamy warmth of the shower. For a full five minutes, I stand there in the center of the room, letting my brain pick apart the facts, analyze the data. I hate that I'm like this. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I want to be Lake Zella, the girl who doesn't think so hard about what she's doing that she forgets to follow her heart.
Space travel is complicated. This, this right here, this shit is easy. Humans were made to love, Zella.
“Goddamn you, Ty McCabe,” I whisper. His words won't stop running through my head, over and over and over again. They're stupid, but they make so much damn sense. I sigh and look longingly at Noah's bed. It's warm in here, and it's late, and his presence makes the small space feel so cozy. I tell myself I'm only going to lie down for a few minutes, wait for him to get out of the shower, so we can talk.
The last thing I remember before I fall asleep is a naked body emerging from behind the shower curtain, and then nothing.
I drift into peaceful darkness with a stupid smile on my face.
17
I wake up feeling sore and groggy and perfect. The rain outside the window patters gently against the roof, trying its
best to lull me back into a peaceful sleep. I scoot back, snuggling into the warm body that's cupped around mine, sighing softly against a pillow that smells like soap and mud.
Mud.
I blink my eyes open and wrinkle my nose, reaching a hand up to touch my mussy hair. I extract a twig and toss it to the floor next to the bed. It's about ten seconds later that I realize who's behind me, stretching and turning away so that his hips aren't pressed right up against my ass.
Noah Scott.
Shit.
I slept in here? All night?
“Good morning,” he groans as I sit up and glance back at him with one part horror, ninety-nine parts pure, rampant excitement. Um, Tobias is here in this house somewhere, Zella. This is not good. I lick my lips as I stare down at Noah's bare chest and stomach. His abs look even better in the soft gray morning light than they did last night. Wow. Just fucking wow. I look away and focus on the logs that make up the exterior wall of the house. They're all polished and shined to perfection, but there's still that rustic charm to it. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Perfectly,” I whisper back at him. Might as well start telling the truth now because there's a whole lot of it that has to come out. First business is to tell Noah that Tobias is here. If I hold it back and wait until they run into each other, it's going to be an extra fun morning. “Sorry for getting mud and grass in your sheets.”
Noah just laughs and lays back into the pillows, sighing contentedly. I turn my gaze back to him and watch his chest rise and fall with easy breaths. He's happy right now. Noah Scott is happy. Because of me. My throat gets dry, and I have to shake myself out to get the words to come to my throat.
“Noah.” Something about the way I say his name causes his blue eyes to open and slide over to me. His gentle smile turns down into a worried frown as he sits up. I lean back into the pillows next to him and wrap my arms around my knees.
“Zella,” he whispers, leaning his head against mine with a sigh. “What's wrong?”
“Everything,” I whisper back, feeling my insides clench tight. “And nothing. I don't know.” I close my eyes and force myself to breathe more slowly, to calm my racing pulse and be logical about this. If I tell Noah the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, he'll understand, right? Right? “Remember our conversation last night?”
“How could I forget?” he asks, swallowing hard. His left arm slides around my waist and pulls me to him. “But it's okay,” he tells me, tugging me down, so that my head rests in his lap and his hand strokes my hair away from my face. Two things hit me in that moment. The first is that his sweats are soft and smell like fresh laundry. The second is that his dick is precariously close to my face. And erect. I don't think he means it to be, but he just woke up, so there it is. I keep my gaze focused straight ahead and my body very still. Down below, a gentle ache between my legs reminds me of what happened last night, promising that that was no dream.
“What's okay?” I ask, vaguely recalling the conversation we started but never finished. Oh. Oh! Shit. “Noah – ” He interrupts me before I can finally answer his pregnancy question. Dear God. If I were pregnant with Tobias' kid, I would … I don't know what I'd do, but I would not be a happy camper.
“I don't care, Zella. And I'm here. I'll be here through the entire process if that's what you want.”
“Noah,” I say as he sighs and the heavy weight of melancholy settles in the room around us. I'm simultaneously flattered by his emotions and heartbroken for him. I should've cleared this up last night. “I'm not pregnant.”
He freezes in place for a moment, hope snaking its way into his heart.
“You're not?”
I almost laugh at the hesitant joy in his voice.
“No.”
“Oh, thank fucking God,” he breathes, leaning back and starting to laugh. It bubbles up and out of him, filling the room and skittering across my skin like a sea of feathers, tickling me to the point where I start laughing, too. It's only when I've snorted and shrieked and made a complete ass out of myself that Noah takes a deep breath and presses his lips against my neck. “If you ever had a baby, it'd have to be with me.”
I swallow hard, the laughter dying in my throat as I realize how serious this is right now. His words cut right through me, shredding my resolve into pieces. It's sexy when he says that. It's sexy when he says every-fucking-thing. Because I love him so damn much it hurts inside. I want to do this, to give into him. Maybe that should be my Christmas present to myself?
“Noah, why didn't you come after me?” I say, finally asking the stupid question. I should've just asked it in the first place, should've called him crying from Texas and demanded answers. His body stiffens behind me, but he doesn't pull away or release me from his grip.
“I didn't think you wanted me to,” he says gently, his mouth moving against my skin, breath stirring my hair. “You left me there, and it hurt so bad I couldn't breathe. Besides, if I came after you, moved to Texas to be by your side, wouldn't you have thought I was creepy? Like a stalker or something?”
“Then why not ask me to stay?” I whisper, the words ripping out of my lips and solidifying in the quiet morning air. Once they're out, I feel better, lighter than I did before. It's a wonderful feeling. “I probably would've, you know.”
“Beg you to stay here? In this town? There's nothing here, Zella. I knew you deserved so much more. No, that you needed more. You needed to get out and find your own way.” I swallow and fight back tears. There's no reason to cry, not right now, not after last night. I can't help it though. I might be an overly analytical person, but my emotions are finicky and prone to whims. I'm about to do it, about to open my mouth and blurt the truth about what happened at school when a knock comes at the door.
“Zella?”
It's Tobias.
Noah recognizes his voice right away and then and only then does he release me and pull back. I spin to face him, but there's a perplexed expression on his face that I don't like. Goddamn it, Tobias. Your timing sucks.
“Are you in there? Zella?”
“What is he still doing here?” he asks me, blue eyes full of confusion and frustration. I don't mean to do that to him, but I can't seem to help it. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get things right between us. “What was he even doing here in the first place?”
“Noah,” I say, pausing to wet my lips. This is it, right here. I have to either choose between Tobias and my future at the university or Noah. It should be an easy choice, shouldn't it? Especially after last night. Only it's not because all I can think is he didn't choose me. He didn't decide he wanted me until Never was one hundred percent out of the picture. Second best. A silver medal instead of a gold one. I almost tell him that, almost say the words that I've been thinking for so long but have never voiced. At first, it was because I felt sorry for him, because I missed my sister and knew that bringing her up would just stir pain in both of us. Then, once she was back and I saw his reaction to her, I didn't need to ask. It became obvious.
I swallow hard and stand up, pulling myself away from Noah and his warm bed and his mussy blonde hair with only the most extreme amount of effort.
“Noah, I'm … I'm sorry.”
I head to the bedroom door and let myself out.
18
I guess Tobias doesn't realize that the room I emerge from is Noah's because he doesn't mention him at all. He does, however, notice the debris in my hair.
“What happened to you last night?” he asks, lifting up a strand with bits of grass woven through it. I try to smile, but the expression refuses to alight on my lips. Even I know when I'm making a mistake, but yet, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing you're in control of your own emotions but being unable to see that.
“I went for a swim,” I say vaguely, feeling Noah's body inside of mine. I have a feeling that last night was one of those moments you never forget, that indelibly and inextricably weaves itself into
your soul and waits there, conjuring itself up in the darkest shadows, when you need it the most.
“A swim?” Tobias echoes as we pause near the door to his room. A glance over my shoulder shows me that Noah has yet to come out of his. Fuck. Chase after me, damn it. “There's a pool?”
“A pond, actually,” I say as Tobias opens the door and moves inside. I follow after, sitting down on the edge of the bed and knowing that I could never curl up here and fall asleep like I did when I was with Noah. It just would never happen like that.
“You went swimming in a pond?” he wonders which is actually a good point. In the light of morning, it does seem a little ridiculous. I shrug as Tobias stares at me, waiting for something though I'm not sure what. “Okay,” he says, eyes sweeping around the room and coming back to land on my face. “That's … interesting. You do know you're a little weird sometimes, don't you, Zella?” He doesn't know the half of it, has no idea what it feels like to have dried mud stuck up your crack. I really should've taken Noah up on that offer of a shower last night.
“So I've been told,” I say as Tobias moves over to sit next to me, our thighs touching but not much else. I don't feel my nerve endings catching on fire or sparking with electricity. There's only one boy on this planet that has the power to do that. “Did you sleep okay?”
“No. Where were you? I didn't feel comfortable hanging out downstairs by myself, so I waited up here for you to show up, and you never did. I swear, I knocked on every room last night looking for you.”
“I'm sorry.” That much, at least, is true. I really am. That was fucked of me to bring him up here and then run. I stare at the advent calendar on the back of Tobias' door. He ended up with one themed entirely in orange tabby cats. Where does Mrs. Scott find these things? I wonder as the bed creaks and Tobias turns towards me, bumping our knees together. “I fell asleep after my swim and just now woke up.” I force a smile to my face and reach out to take Tobias' hand. “Come on, let's go downstairs. My family doesn't bite.”
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