“No, but I do.”
The door opens slowly, revealing Noah Scott, hair mussed up, face drawn and tired. Frustrated. He's frustrated with me. Or with Tobias maybe. I swallow back a surge of desperate longing and stare at him, watching him watching me with those bright blue eyes.
“Um, and you are?” Tobias asks which makes me cringe. We are sitting in Noah's cabin after all. Letting Tobias stay here seems like sort of a slap in the face when I think about it. I stand up and take a step forward before either of the boys gets the chance.
“Noah, this is Tobias. Tobias, Noah.” I gesture lamely between them before meeting Noah's gaze. He stares at me as he crosses his arms over his chest and licks his lower lip. The muscles in his upper arms stand out sharply against the sleeve of the pale blue T-shirt he has on. “This cabin belongs to Noah,” I add uselessly, still standing frozen and stupid in the center of the room.
“We didn't get to finish our conversation,” Noah says, keeping his eyes intent on mine. I hold his gaze for as long as I can before I start to fidget. The second he gets the full story, I know exactly what he'll do. He'll sweep in and promise to take care of me. He – and not Tobias – will be the one calling in favors and restoring that bit of dignity I lost when I was dismissed from the university. I feel my fingers curl against my sides. Why not let him do this? Why are you still fucking fighting?
“Why now?” I ask him suddenly, feeling my throat dry up and my heart start to hammer in my chest. Noah wrinkles his brows but doesn't take his eyes off of mine. “Why now and not before, when I told you to stop pursuing Never, when I kissed you for the first time? Why did you wait until after she was no longer a possibility to fall in love with me?”
Noah blinks slowly for a moment, letting the words sink in. I can tell the moment they hit him that he doesn't have the right answer for me. He uncrosses his arms and stands straight in the doorway, staring, struggling to come up with something to say. The fact that he even needs to think so hard about it gives me the answer I was looking for.
I turn away from Noah and march over to Tobias' duffel bag, digging out a sweatshirt and yanking it over my head.
“Zella, are you okay? What the hell is going on here?” Tobias asks, watching me. His eyes flick between my suddenly tear streaked face and Noah's bewildered expression. I told Noah that Tobias would knock his teeth in if he perceived him as a threat. It's true. He really would. If I said something about last night, if I told Tobias I was considering dumping him for good this time, throwing myself into Noah's arms and riding off into the sunset, he'd beat the crap out of him. Or at least he'd try. I felt how strong Noah was last night when he carried me out of the water. It'd be a close match.
“Noah's my sister's ex-boyfriend,” I explain, because that much is true. It'll always be true, whether I want it to be or not. I dash my tears away with the sleeves of the sweatshirt. “He's pathetic because she's married and has a kid, and he won't stop loving her.”
“You can't just turn off love, Zella,” Noah whispers, breaking my heart into a million pieces. “I will always love your sister, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, that I'm not in fucking love with you.” Noah doesn't cuss often. If he's already going there, I've struck a nerve. Good. Let him feel some of this pain that's wracking me from the inside out. I snort and reach out to grab Tobias' hand. He curls his fingers around mine and lets me pull him up off the bed. I see the way he glares at Noah. If I wanted to incite a fight between them, it wouldn't be hard to do.
“Let's go to the store. I need some hair dye.” I drag Tobias past Noah, sliding along his body as I squeeze past, and pretend I feel nothing. In truth, I don't really give a fuck about the hair dye right now, but I need an excuse to go out, to get away for just a moment. I'm not going to run this time. There's not really anywhere to run to, but I need a break from this emotional torture.
“Do you want me to lie to you?” Noah asks me, coming up behind us, pausing at the stop of the stairs as I drag Tobias down. Next to the front door, there's a pair of black flats with a skull pattern on them. The shoes must be Never's. I decide to borrow them for a little while and thank the heavens that most of my family is still asleep. I say most because, of course, Never is awake and standing in the living room with a dusty cardboard box clutched in her hands. She sets it down on the floor, reaching up to wipe some sweat from her forehead. I don't think Noah sees her there on the opposite side of the Christmas tree.
Never and I make eye contact as I freeze there with Tobias by my side.
“Do you want me to tell you that I never loved her? That my heart didn't break when she left? That it didn't break again when she came back?” Noah's practically hysterical now. This doesn't help his cause any with me. I pull my eyes from Never's and look up as Noah starts down the stairs. I take a step back and snatch my keys off the table near the front door along with my purse. “Zella, the only person on this earth that has the ability to put my heart back together is you.”
I swallow back tears and turn away, opening the front door and yanking Tobias out after me.
“What the fuck is going on?” he asks, sounding frustrated and confused. I don't blame him. I'm directly involved in this and I'm still frustrated and confused. Tobias follows me for a few steps and then digs his heels in, forcing me to a stop. I glance over my shoulder at him. “I'm not going anywhere until we sort this shit out.”
“Goddamn it, Tobias,” I snarl at him, moving up and grabbing the front of his shirt. I just want to go, go, fucking go. “Can't we do this later?” He narrows his brown eyes on me.
“No.”
Noah appears in the front doorway, head down, arms crossed over his chest. He's taking massive breaths, trying to calm himself down. When he lifts his head up, I can see how much he loves me. It's etched into the beautiful blue of his gaze. But then Never comes out behind him, looking sweaty and tired and frustrated. If anything, I should stop this fight because of her. She doesn't look all that great. I wonder where Ty is? The morning light is weak and gray, filtered through rain clouds, but I can tell it's pretty early.
“I'm trying to get Christmas decorations ready for tonight,” she grumbles, patting her pockets down for a cigarette and then frowning when she doesn't find anything. “Can somebody please explain to me what's going on here?”
“Should you be lifting boxes like that?” I ask, but she ignores me, moving up to stand between Noah and Tobias. It's not difficult for me to tell which guy she prefers. Hell, it's not even difficult for me to see which one I want either. So why can't I make a fucking choice already?
I swallow hard and scoot back as Noah moves out the door towards me. If he touches me, I'm done for.
“Zella,” he begins again, but I cut him off.
“I won't be second best, Noah. I can't. When you fall in love, you always dream of taking that number one spot in somebody's heart. Or at least, that's what I dream of. I want to be special. I want to feel like I'm that one, single person who means everything. I can't be that for you because you won't let me.”
“That's not true at all,” he whispers, taking a step closer to me. His bare feet move across the gravel, sending pebbles skittering. Noah only stops when he sees that Tobias is glaring at him, clenching his fists by his sides. Noah pauses there and waits, looking between me and Tobias like he's expecting an explanation.
“Zella,” Tobias begins, turning his attention back to me. “I drove all the way out here for you. I admitted to everyone that I was wrong. I even got down on my fucking hands and knees to beg my dad to help you. If you don't want me, you need to tell me right now.”
I lick my lips nervously and take a step back. My eyes find Never's, searching her face for some sort of sign that I'm making the right decision here, but she gives me nothing. I'm on my own.
“What happened, Zella?” Noah asks me, his voice soft and ridiculously comforting. I just want to go to him and throw myself into his arms, but look at this mess. Look at it. “With this guy. W
hy him? Why put yourself through all of that shit?”
“Because I can't stand the thought of not having you!” I scream the words, letting them echo around the forest and bounce off the walls of the cabin. It feels good to say it. Too good. I feel the rest of the truth bubble up around my lips. “You're the only thing I ever wanted, and the one thing I never thought I could have. How could fate be so fucking cruel to show me what it was like to be with you while simultaneously denying me that? And you know what's even worse? You saying you wanted me after you were turned down by Never. I'm a consolation prize, Noah. If Never turned to you right now and said she loved you, that she wanted you, you'd drop me in a heartbeat.”
“That's not true at all,” Noah says, moving towards me. I take a step back, wishing I could just spin on my heel and take off into the woods.
“If she looked you in the eye right now, right fucking now, and said she loved you, what would you do?” I cross my arms over my chest and wait. My heart is thumping so loud, I'm pretty sure all three of them can hear it pounding against my rib cage. Noah licks his lips and glances over at my sister, holding her gaze for several moments of tense silence. When he turns back to face me, I see that I'm going to get the truth. Right here, right now. Knowing something and hearing it from the lips of the person you love is a completely different thing. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to handle it.
“I got kicked out,” I blurt before he can answer me. I don't want to hear him say it, to say that while he would choose her, he could still be happy with me. It's not enough. “Tobias and I had a fight on the football field. Some drugs fell out of his coat pocket and I got blamed for them. But I can't blame it entirely on him either.” I feel tears on my face now, running down my cheeks to hit the gravel driveway. “I started that fight. I went there with the sole purpose of fucking with him because I'm tired of being number two.” I swallow hard and look up at Tobias. “You're your own number one, Tobias.” I keep speaking before he gets the chance to interrupt me. “You are. And that's okay. You don't love me enough to make me number one, nobody does.” I snap my attention back to Noah. His blue eyes are burning more fiercely than I've ever seen them. “So now you know. I lost my scholarship and my financial aid and my chance at a different life because I'm jealous and petty and lonely.” I give Tobias another look. Fuck. I can't do this. I just can't. Not with Tobias or Noah or anyone. “If you still want to take that favor from your dad, I'd love to go back to school, but I can't give you anything in return other than my sincerest and most heartfelt thanks.” I swallow nervously and look between the three faces.
“Zella,” Noah says, striding across the gravel towards me again. Damn him. Why can't he just hold still? When he sees me retreat another few steps, he pauses again and sighs softly, letting the warmth he feels for me show in his eyes. “If Never told me she wanted me back,” he glances at her but her face stays locked in a neutral position, “I would tell her that I loved her, but that I was sorry. I would tell her that loving her opened my heart to fall in love with you, that she couldn't be my number one because that spot was always waiting in reserve. For you, Zella. Just for you.”
“You are so full of shit,” I whisper, feeling the wetness on my face, wishing it was just me and Noah having this conversation. I feel so self-conscious with Never and Tobias standing there, watching this exchange. Never breathes out a harsh breath and presses her hands to her right side. Again, warning bells go off in my head, ringing so loud, I find that I can't even process what Noah's trying to say to me, to decide if I even believe him at all.
Noah notices my gaze drifting over to my sister and follows the path with his eyes. This time, when he looks at her, I don't feel jealous at all. Not even a little bit. The only thing I feel right now is scared.
“Never?” I ask, taking a couple steps towards her. Her forehead is so sweaty and her pulse is fluttering weakly in her throat. I reach out and place the back of my hand against her cheek. Her skin is cold and clammy. Definitely not normal. Not at all normal. I swallow hard. “Get Ty,” I whisper to Noah, the entire argument forgotten in an instant. “Quickly.”
Noah doesn't waste a split second, moving into the house at a dead run.
“Is everything okay?” Tobias asks, and I'm relieved to see he's willing to put our issues aside for a moment. Never stumbles against me and I grab her around the waist, Tobias taking up the other side, so we can lower her to the driveway before she collapses. Her breathing picks up speed, chest fluttering as she tries to pull in enough air with her frantic breaths.
“No,” I say, even though Never's trying to wave me off.
“I'm fine,” she says, but she's obviously not. She is absolutely, one hundred percent fucking not. “Where's Ty?” she asks weakly, leaning into me, sweating on me, looking like she's at death's fucking door. I think she's going into shock. My breath catches in my throat.
No. I can't lose my sister, especially not after the things I just said, all of the petty jealousy and the ridiculousness. No. No. No.
“Call 9-1-1,” I tell Tobias. “Never,” I whisper, touching her chin, trying to get her to raise her face to look at me. She doesn't, just slumps there like a doll while the sound of the front door cracking against the wall rings loudly in the open space around us.
“Never!” Ty slides into the gravel in front of her, reaching out to take her from me, to cradle her in his arms. His voice is like a broken heartbeat, like he's bleeding to death from that one single word. Tears are streaming down my face, but I keep myself together. “Never, come on. Wake up, baby.”
“Ty, I don't feel so good,” she whispers, resting her head against his chest. “My shoulder hurts. My stomach hurts. Everything hurts.” She lets her hazel eyes flicker open for a brief moment as Noah unlocks the doors of his car and opens the back door. In the background, I can hear Tobias talking on the phone, explaining the situation to the operator.
“It'll take them forever to get here and back to the hospital,” Noah says, his voice shaking with fear. I look up at him and the terror in his face matches my own. We both love Never, and I'd rather be second place forever in his heart than lose her, especially not after just getting her back.
“Ty,” Never says, lolling in his arms, eyes fluttering as she tries to maintain consciousness. I wish I could describe the look on that man's face, but there are no words. No fucking words. His mouth is set in a determined line as he climbs into the back seat with my sister cradled tightly against his chest. “Ty, I think your baby is dead,” she drawls, and that's the last thing I hear before Noah shuts the door behind them and turns to me.
“Stay here and tell everyone what happened. Meet us at the hospital.”
I open my mouth to argue, but there's no time. Instead, I nod and step out of the way, watching as Noah starts the vehicle and pulls out and down the driveway as fast as he can without killing anyone.
“I let them know that they're on their way, but they want a cell phone number of somebody that's in that car.” My purse falls to the ground by my feet as I watch the black sedan disappear into the trees. I give Tobias Noah's phone number and pray that he has it with him. I doubt it. There wasn't really any time to remember to grab a phone.
Tobias relays the information, answers a few more questions and then hangs up. When he moves to put his arms around me, I don't protest. How can I? How can I do anything right now but sit here and wait with my heart in my throat?
“What on earth is going on out here?” Beth asks, her voice rough with sleep. When I turn to look at her, I know there are thick tears rolling down my face. Her eyes widen at the expression and she takes a step forward, tucking her robe tighter around her body. “Zella, what happened?”
“Never,” I whisper, praying to any god above that will listen to me that she's going to be okay. “Never's losing her baby.” Just please, please, don't let her lose her life, too. I pick up my purse, unlock the doors to my car and climb in. I hardly notice Tobias climbing into the passenger seat n
ext to me.
While Never's soul flutters in the ether between here and there, I follow along behind it in my car, hoping that if it tries to fly away, to spin off into the darkness of the unknown, that I could help catch it and put it back where it belongs. If Never dies, Ty dies. Inside, Noah and I both die a little, too. We're a family now, for the first time in a long time. A big, fucked up, stupid happy family.
I refuse to lose that.
I can't.
I won't.
I put everything I have inside of me out into the universe, begging for one more miracle, just one more little slice of starlight to shine down on our darkness.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Never too Late #3: Never Did Say (Never Ross and Ty McCabe) Releases January 7th 2015
First
Second
Third
Fourth
Fifth
Sixth
Seventh
The House of Gray and Graves
The House of Hands and Hearts and Hair
The House of Sticks and Bones
The Feed
The Hunt
The Throne
Indigo & Iris
Indigo & The Colonel
Indigo & Lynx
Tasting Never
Finding Never
Keeping Never
Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never (omnibus)
Never Can Tell
Never Let Go
Never Did Say
Losing Me, Finding You
Loving Me, Trusting You
Needing Me,Wanting You
Craving Me, Desiring You
Paint Me Beautiful
Color Me Pretty
Never Let Go Page 13
