Her Lucky Catch

by Amie Denman

  I stood on the small stage and attempted to do sound checks by myself. Saying “check, check” sounded pretty ridiculous, so I jazzed it up a bit, kindergarten style. “With a check check here and a check check there,” I sang loudly and, I flattered myself, tunefully, into the empty pavilion.

  I was wound up and ready to go the whole round of barnyard animals when I heard quiet laughter in the shadows toward the back. The stage lights blinded me, but I knew exactly who the chuckler was.

  “Jazzy girl,” my cousin Harry said. “You’re lucky hottie fireman isn’t here to hear that little demo.” He stepped forward so I could see his grin. “Maybe he’d like it, though. Never know with the macho type.”

  “What are you doing here? It’s Saturday night. You should be dancing with your third drag queen by now at some floozy bar.”

  “And miss my chance to own some hot male flesh for a day? No way.” He held up an obscenely large wad of cash. “I came to bid.”

  I rolled my eyes and relinquished the mike. “Glad nobody knows we’re living together.”

  “You make it sound so dirty when you say it like that. I like it. Cousins too. Even naughtier.”

  “Looks like you’d better grab a good seat.” I gestured toward the cars starting to file into the parking lot on the hill.

  “I won’t embarrass you by telling anyone you live with me,” Harry said. “Looks like I just might be Bluegill’s best kept secret.”

  “And you like it that way.”

  “Most of the time.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “Anyone special you’ll be bidding on tonight, Jazzy? Need a loan?”

  “Nooo, thanks. Wouldn’t look good for me to buy a man at auction. Besides, I could never pay you back and you’d probably steal my favorite outfits as collateral.”

  “Still hoping to catch a man the old-fashioned way?” he asked, gesturing at my sensible shirt, pants and shoes. He frowned and slowly shook his head. “Wouldn’t have worn that.”

  The crowd began to trickle in faster and I suddenly realized this was going to be more of an event than I’d expected. I’d lain awake last night fantasizing about Kurt strutting half-naked in front of the audience while I boldly drove the bids higher and higher until I grabbed him right from under the nose of the beautiful Virgin Mary. Of course, in reality, I had fifteen dollars in my pocket and a plan to hide backstage in true cowardly fashion.

  From my hideout behind the back wall of the striped canvas tent that covered the stage, I could easily hear all the action and even peep through a convenient hole. A few police officers were first up for the bidding. Decent-looking guys, family men. Each one earned a respectable sum, though it was obvious even to me that one of them was bought by his wife. Romantic, perhaps, but I was kind of hoping for kinky. Way more fun for the poor guy.

  Chief Balcheski got up on stage next and looked painfully embarrassed to be anywhere near the whole fracas. Harry raised his paddle and placed a moderate offer, grinning like crazy the whole time. No doubt he couldn’t resist embarrassing the chief. He only bid twice and then let Balcheski’s mother seal the deal. Probably better that way. She looked like someone who could use help with her yard work. Maybe she’d have him change the light bulbs over the dining room table. Balcheski looked grateful and then disappeared from the stage.

  A couple of very young and very hot firefighters raked in some big bucks for their department next. The second one, a big blond with a rakish scar over his eye, clearly had Harry’s attention. I watched in open-mouthed horror as my cousin raised his paddle over and over, keeping the bidding hot until he finally let the handsome blond go to a blushing middle-aged woman. Nothing embarrassing about that. Harry could easily have won the bid. Obviously, he was just playing tonight.

  I held my breath as Kurt Reynolds was announced and gave up all pretense of working. Who cares about the fire lane and the trash cans? I pressed my face against the hole in the canvas wall. My fifteen bucks wouldn’t even get me near the action, but I could see every move he made and the entire audience from behind the curtain. I heard the opening bid, a modest fifty bucks. Paddles waved in the air. A blonde woman raised her paddle, but I couldn’t quite make out what she offered. From Marlena’s description, I figured she must be Mary Ballard, the mayor’s daughter. Her bid was apparently not big enough. One of Kurt’s fellow firefighters yelled, “Take your shirt off, Kurt, show ’em what they’re bidding on.”

  After all those weeks of church, my prayers were finally close to being answered. Take your shirt off, Kurt. And then I waited, holding my breath. After what seemed like an eternity, he reached down and started to tug where his shirt met his waist.

  “Miss Shepherd,” a voice whispered behind me.

  I whipped around like a criminal with a guilty conscience. Wally Balcheski flushed pink and pulled at the collar of his dress police uniform.

  “You scared me,” I said, pretty sure he knew that already. At least I didn’t belt out an expletive. That would be no way to begin a parent-teacher conference. Though I didn’t think for a moment that this meeting was about his kindergarten student.

  “I’m sorry about that,” he whispered, “but I’ve been trying to catch you alone.”

  Loud clapping and yelling erupted on the other side of the curtain. Just my luck. Every other female in Bluegill was having the time of her life while I faced Balcheski, who was desperate to talk to me in private.

  Surely the gods weren’t this angry with me. Couldn’t I catch a glimpse of the goods on stage? Or at least see what the bid was up to?

  “How are you, Chief?” I said. “My cousin said you stopped by the house to talk to me.”

  The mention of flamboyant Harry didn’t make the chief look any more comfortable. My cousin must have been sporting his favorite pink slippers when Balcheski knocked on the door. He’d certainly noticed Harry’s bid tonight too. Harry conducted most of his personal life twenty-five miles away in the nearest midsize city and worked for my parents twenty-five miles in the other direction. Though Bluegill was his quiet home base right in the middle, Harry was generally unknown around town. But the chief surely knew enough to make him wonder.

  “Is Karen having a problem at school that I don’t know about?” I was stalling and making stuff up, afraid he would ask me about that creepy conversation I’d overheard in the marina lot. I didn’t have anything more to offer him and I thought he’d probably already seen enough disappointment in his life. “Her reading is coming along and I told your wife at conferences that Karen is practically spelling like a first grader.”

  “It’s not about Karen, although we do appreciate all you’ve done for her,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you about…other business.”

  Oh, man. What if it had nothing to do with the parking lot argument? Sure, I’d stabbed my louse of an ex-husband in the ass with a pair of safety scissors, but he’d had it coming. He never pressed charges but I’d figured it would come back to haunt me. Here it comes, I thought. I’d be charged with assault, lose my job and do hard time all because of that philandering asshole.

  “You’ve got quite a reputation,” Balcheski said. He looked at me as if I ought to know what he meant by that, but I was still thinking about how my girls were going to fit into a prison-issued jumpsuit. One-piece outfits were not for my body type, to say the least.

  “Reputation?” Suddenly, I didn’t like the sound of that word.

  “I’ve heard you’re good at figuring things out.”

  “You mean like how I got Jason to stop wiping snot on other kids’ backs?” No good at handling pressure, I started to get nervous and babble. And I had to go to the bathroom. “Actually, I totally cheated by putting him in the front of the line. No backs, no problem.”

  More loud yelling and whistling from the audience. Maybe Kurt was down to his firefighter underwear and I was the only one missing it. Maybe Harry was dancing with him on stage by now and stuffing that underwear with singles. Balcheski needed to get to the point so I could g
et back to work.

  The chief looked like he had interrogated a few criminals in his years on the force, and he probably figured I was on the verge of confessing to something I didn’t even do. Guess he thought he’d better let me off the hook before I reeled myself in.

  “What I mean is that I hear you’ve solved a few mysteries around school. Clark told me.”

  Now I was really nervous. “Old Lady Clark talked to you about me?”

  “It came up. She told me some stories. Like the time the third grader was stealing lunches and hiding them behind toilets in the boys’ bathroom. I heard you organized a stakeout and caught the perp.”

  “Well, yes…”

  “And Sister Mary Doris’s favorite St. Christopher statue.”

  Ah, yes. A few of our eighth graders had thought it would be fun to torture Sister Mary Doris by stealing her statue and taking photos of it in unusual locations and positions. Some lewd, some criminal and some just downright disturbing. The ransom demands were always the same: no religion homework, no running laps in gym class. The good sister had been at her breaking point, distraught that anyone would steal her beloved statue from the Vatican, and I hadn’t wanted to see Intimidoris suffer any longer. After all, she always helped me out by getting the books down from the top shelf in the storage closet.

  There was more luck than talent in solving that one. I might not have cracked the case at all if it hadn’t been for one of my bike rides. Out on Riverview Road, I saw a couple of pubescent youths laboring under a heavy weight. They appeared to be carrying something heavy down the railroad tracks. I got off my bike to spy on them and that’s when the whole case blew wide-open. They pulled ropes out of their backpacks and tied the statue to the railroad tracks. This must have been their final ploy and about the worse thing they could imagine. I guessed they planned to wait for a train to come around the bend so they could take the most frightening picture ever of the near sacrifice of a saint. When I jumped out of the bushes, two of them peed their pants right there and another one started reciting “Hail, Holy Queen.” I took the statue, ordered them to church and tried to keep a straight face as I rode back to town with St. Christopher across my lap. He was unwieldy as heck, but the rescue had endeared me to Sister Mary Doris.

  “I got lucky and happened on the crime scene.” As I said it, I could have sworn I heard a familiar laugh in the audience on the other side of the canvas. Maybe it was just because I was thinking about Sister Mary Doris…but it sure sounded like her.

  “I don’t think it’s just luck in your case,” the chief whispered. “I think you’ve got an ear and an eye for trouble, and that’s exactly what I’ve come to ask you about.”

  “So…this isn’t about stabbing my ex?”

  “What?” Balcheski looked genuinely surprised.

  “Just kidding,” I said. “What did you want to ask?”

  “I want your help investigating a crime.”

  This was turning into quite a day.

  Chief Balcheski gestured out to the marina behind us. “I believe you’ve seen the green forty-six-footer called Greenback? Guy who owns it owns a marina across the lake.”

  Boy, had I seen it. And floundered around on it in ignominious disgrace. I also knew its owner had been the man arguing with the mayor in the parking lot.

  “Uh-huh,” I managed.

  “Marlena told me a little bit about what happened earlier. Got me thinking.”

  About what a klutz I am? Had he been all over town asking about me? I waited for him to go on. It was hard to concentrate with all the excitement on the other side of the canvas wall.

  “Marlena seems to think the owner, Damien Cerberus, might have enjoyed your…uh…misfortune enough to want to see…uh…more of you.”

  “What are you driving at, Chief?”

  He looked deadly serious. “This has all got to be kept quiet for the time being, and I’ll understand if you don’t want anything to do with it, but I’m hoping you’ll help us out.”

  “Us?”

  “The department. Sort of. Not everyone on the department knows about this either. You’ll see why in a minute.”

  “This is starting to sound kind of scary,” I whispered. “You know I’m not a secret agent or anything, right? I’m a poorly paid Catholic school kindergarten teacher and that’s why I have this part-time job.”

  “I know. But you’re in a unique position. You’re smart, you’ll be around the marina all summer, people trust you because they figure kindergarten teachers must be nice and honest, and you’re…” He paused and appeared to be searching for the right words. His eyes strayed to my chest.

  “Female?” I asked, but I knew he meant sexy. At least I hoped that’s what he meant. I wondered exactly what Marlena told him about this afternoon’s show.

  “Uh-huh.” He looked relieved that I had finished his thought. “And you’re sort of involved already.”

  “Involved already?”

  He nodded.

  “Because of Cerberus?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “And his conversation with the mayor that I overheard?”

  “Figured you’d put that together. I finally did too, when I considered who might be staying on a boat in the marina and hanging around with the mayor.”

  “So, this is some sort of undercover work?”

  “So to speak. Before I tell you any more, though, you have to decide if you’re willing to take some risks and maybe even put yourself in danger.”

  Gulp. I had nearly killed myself trying to tie up that boat. If there was something dangerous going on, I might not have to bother making any lesson plans for next year. They’d bury me in the Catholic cemetery and I’d only be around in spirit.

  “Maybe you know some other females who are trustworthy,” I suggested. “Someone in your department?”

  Chief Balcheski shook his head. “No female officers.”

  “Perhaps, um, a concerned citizen?”

  “Fact is, Miss Shepherd, you’re useful because you’re not from here. You’ve got a fresh perspective and you’re not tangled up with anyone in town.”

  Sad, but true. So he knew I’d buried myself with kindergarten homework and hadn’t had a date since I moved here. It didn’t paint a very flattering picture, but I saw his point. I sure wouldn’t mind getting tangled up with a certain firefighter currently being sold to the highest bidder on the other side of the damned canvas wall. Maybe I could sneak a glance.

  Was that another familiar voice? It sounded like Sister Mary Alice. I’d heard her voice raised a few times in the hallway, but this had a totally different edge. Excitement of a whole other kind.

  I wrenched my attention back to Balcheski. Had he really just asked me to get involved in something vaguely dangerous? I considered making some excuse why I couldn’t entangle myself. Heaven knows there were lots of legitimate reasons why it sounded crazy. But my summer forecast was partly dull with a ninety percent chance of boredom, and I needed something to take my mind off hottie fireman.

  “Tell me more.”

  He edged closer and lowered his voice even more. I think he figured I’d be shocked by some of what I heard, but what Balcheski didn’t know was that I might be a sweet—sometimes—kindergarten teacher, but I’d seen a few things in my time. Hadn’t I stabbed my ex in the ass? Rescued a saint from the railroad tracks? Sniffed out brownbag lunches behind the toilet?

  “A few months ago,” the chief explained, “the accountant who checks the city’s books came to my office and told me that he had discovered money—a lot of it—missing.”

  “Missing?”

  “Yep. Of course, I asked him who else knew. He looked pretty nervous and said he hadn’t told anyone else. Even Mayor Ballard.”

  “Why not?” I asked, then remembered the mayor’s Town Car slinking out of the dark marina lot after arguing with Cerberus. Something about a million reasons…

  The chief tugged at his collar and I answered my own question.


  “The mayor’s the one stealing the money,” I said a little too loudly. “I knew no public servant could afford a car like that.”

  Balcheski waved his hands in the air in a movement that suggested that I should keep it quiet. “Now, I didn’t say that. And we don’t have any evidence. Yet.”

  I had a dim view of where this was going and could see how messy it looked. “How does this tie in to the guy who owns Greenback?”

  “That’s where you come in. We knew they were friends and there’s some history between them. But until you overheard their argument in the marina parking lot, we didn’t know Cerberus was linked with the missing money. Now we’ve got a new working theory.”

  Another example of how I managed to step in things and had to clean my way out.

  “We need someone on board that boat who can earn Cerberus’s trust and figure out his connection to Ballard.”

  I glanced at the slip where Greenback floated peacefully in the darkness. There was a brief glow of light, as if someone had opened her smoky sliding glass door and then closed it again. Could whoever was on that boat—presumably Cerberus and maybe a visitor—see me and the chief conspiring behind the canvas wall of the amphitheater? I shivered.

  Balcheski and I locked eyes for a moment. I already knew too much to just let it go. I was involved whether I liked it or not. “So, you want me to nose around and ask questions?”

  “Not exactly. I was hoping you might become, you know, friendly with Damien Cerberus. He’s got a reputation for enjoying the company of attractive women.”

  I raised one eyebrow, a trick I had perfected during my third year of teaching, and glared at the chief. Now I understood exactly why he needed me and not some other female. Apparently I looked like the kind of woman who would strap on a bikini and cozy up to boaters.