by A. M. Mahler
“I guess there’s no bonfire and s’mores on this beach at night,” I said, eyeing the dark clouds rumbling in.
Simon grabbed my hand and we ran along the beach, intermittently getting slowed down by the rolling water.
“That’s a negative,” he laughed. When we reached the stairs, he curled an arm around my waist and hurled me up a few steps out of the water. I shivered but smiled when he stepped up to meet me. “First mosquitos and now the ocean. We don’t have a lot of luck with the doing-it-outside thing.”
I linked my fingers with his and went up on tiptoes to give him a light kiss. Little pelts of rain started to sting my skin.
“Angry nature aside, both times were beautiful because they were with you.” He lifted our joined hands and kissed my palm. I was glad he was saying words like “forever,” because there was no way I would survive the loss of this man, no matter what form that loss came in.
Simon
W
hy didn’t you take us to the beach with you?” Gavin demanded, hands on his hips and sporting a big ol’ attitude.
“Because you were playing with your teacher and I went with Maggie,” I explained. The boys were dressed in pajamas, and I was taking the extra pillows off my bed. Maggie was finishing up in the shower. My mind drifted to the second time we made love with the water streaming down over us. I didn’t get to dwell on my fond memory long because, well, kids.
The time we spent on the beach was incredible. I was sorry that I was rough, but she said she didn’t mind. She liked it. I hadn’t seen that side of her before, and it drove me wild. She drove me wild. We said the word “forever” today, but I didn’t say the words, “I love you.” What was stopping me? I loved her. I loved her since the first second I saw her and everything that was her slammed into my chest. I never recovered from the impact. I never wanted to.
“But why didn’t you want to take us?” Gavin continued, sounding highly suspicious.
I sighed and gave it to him straight. “Because I wanted to kiss her.”
Their little scrunched up faces showed how disgusted they were by that very thought.
“Ew, you kissed a girl?” Gavin said, wiping his mouth like he was the one that got kissed.
“I did. A lot.” And I enjoyed it. A lot.
“Girls are dumb,” he replied.
“And bossy,” Travis added. Great, I was getting ganged up on.
“And they don’t usually like superheroes,” Gavin said, as if that was the kiss of death.
“Did you even ask her if she likes superheroes before you kissed her?” Travis demanded.
“No,” I said, matter-of-factly. “Because it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like superheroes. She’s allowed to like whatever she wants.” Both boys drew back looking absolutely scandalized. “Just because she’s my girlfriend doesn’t mean we have to like all the same things.”
“What do you need a girlfriend for anyway?” Gavin asked, the sense of betrayal in his voice evident.
“I thought you guys liked her.” I reached up and turned the overhead light off and pulled the chain to turn the fan on. The bedside lamp softly illuminated the room, which was taken up mostly by my bed. My empty desk sat in the corner, my walls devoid of photos or artwork.
“She’s okay,” Gavin said. “But what if she doesn’t let you see us?”
Ah, the real worry. I cursed our decision not to tell the boys the arrangements too soon. We wanted to let them grieve on their own without giving them any kind of timelines, but it looked like maybe we were doing more harm than good.
“Well,” I said, stretching out on the bed as the twins sat in the middle. “She would never do that because she knows how much I love you three.” Gavin looked like he was going to open his mouth again, but I continued before he could. “But even if she wanted to, she couldn’t because you’re going to live with me now.”
That shut them right up.
Travis’ eyes teared up. I couldn’t handle any more of their tears, even though I knew there were more to come. I kept my own in check, putting on a brave face for the boys. They were just so sad, and I had never seen them like this before. They were loud, crazy, and full of life. And now, they were beaten down and defeated. I hated it.
Maggie cleared her throat in the bathroom doorway, and we all looked up at her. She looked fresh and radiant in her flannel pajama pants and Mavericks t-shirt. She looked as sexy to me now as she would standing there in a black, lace teddy. My libido worked overtime for this woman.
“It so happens,” she began, walking toward the bed, “that I like Wonder Woman.” She sat down on the mattress and leaned up against the footboard putting distance between the two of us.
“Ugh,” Gavin gagged. “That’s D.C.”
“So? You can’t deny that Wonder Woman is awesome. And if we’re talking Marvel then it’s Black Widow all the way.” The boys looked somewhat mollified. I actually had no idea if Maggie liked superheroes or not, but she knew enough to placate the boys.
“I guess that’s okay,” Gavin acquiesced then muttered, “but I don’t know why it has to be girls.”
“It’s time for bed,” I announced. We would be having this same conversation through puberty. “You two need to go get in your beds.”
Their response was immediate and unexpected. Instead of getting off my bed and marching to their adjoining room like they usually did, they scrambled under the covers, even leaving room for Maggie.
“Dudes,” I said. “You have beds right next door. Why do you have to kick me all night?” Why can’t I make love to Maggie in a freaking bed!? I was chafed from the sand in my ass. They snuggled down farther. I looked over at Maggie with an apology in my eyes. She shrugged and climbed under the covers, too.
“We have to make sure she doesn’t try to kiss you,” Gavin said, as if he were providing a great service.
“I want to kiss her!” I complained. “I like kissing her. One day, you’ll like kissing girls too.” Or they might like kissing boys. I had to be prepared for either eventuality. I reached over and snapped off the lamp with a huff. The bathroom light cast a light glow into the room through the partially closed door.
“Uncle Simon,” Travis whispered.
“Yeah, bud?” I said, resisting the urge to sigh. Guess the beach sex was going to have to tide me over until I could get Maggie alone again tomorrow.
“Can we go to your house?”
“Yup. Grandma is going to drive you up in a few days.” My mom and I were supposed to be having this conversation with all three boys together, but it looked like I was getting a jump on it. “Maggie and I will go up after the funeral. I have all new furniture coming and things I need to unpack so everything will be ready for you.”
“But we could come with you and help you,” he said. “We won’t fight, and we’ll do everything you ask us to. And maybe Margo could come, too.”
“You could,” I said. “But I don’t even have a TV hooked up yet.”
“We have our tablets,” Gavin said, coming to the support of his brother. “And maybe we can play outside. Do you have a backyard?”
“I do.”
“It’s a big back yard, too. Perfect for playing with Margo,” Maggie said.
Et tu, my love? There I was trying to get a little alone time with her before my new life descended upon me, and she was all over there Brutus to my Caesar.
Travis rolled on his side and faced Maggie. “Do you like it in New Hampshire? Is it nice? Is there a school there?”
I frowned. School didn’t start until September, and it was only mid-July. Maybe he was just asking about what the town had. But I began to wonder what exactly these boys overheard over the last few days.
“I do like New Hampshire. The place where your uncle and I work has a farm with animals. It’s run by a man that was in Marines and has a military working dog. He takes care of the farm and the animals. He has horses you can ride, too. He can teach you how. And did your uncle tell you who live
d there?”
“Uh-uh,” Gavin grunted, shaking his head where it rested on the pillow. He narrowed his eyes at me, a silent accusation that I was holding out on him.
“Zach Porter from the Mavericks.”
“Whoa!” Both boys’ eyes turned the size of saucers. They loved baseball and the Mavericks. And Porter was their god.
“Can you, like, talk to him?” Gavin asked. And suddenly, Maggie and Grayson Falls were interesting.
“Yeah, I know him.” Maggie nodded, where she leaned up on her elbow. “When you come, we’ll take you to our favorite restaurant and see if he’s there. He runs a baseball camp up there for kids that don’t have the same stuff other kids do.”
“He teaches kids to play baseball?” Gavin sat up.
“Some kids, yeah.” Maggie said. “And if you want, Uncle Simon and I will take you to where we work, and you can see how we make the cars.”
“And see the animals?” Travis asked. “Like pigs and stuff?”
“Yup,” I said, gently pushing Gavin back down in bed. “But you have to be good for your grandma and let us get the house set up. The faster we can do that, the quicker you can get up there. Okay?”
The twins seemed mollified by this as they turned into each other and closed their eyes. Every day, the bond between them seemed stronger, and I was reminded that even though Marcus was their brother and they loved him, he was often left on the outside because he couldn’t compete with the oddities of twins. Gavin and Travis could have entire conversations with each other without saying a word, and there were times I swore they could feel each other’s pain.
Maggie laid her head down on the pillow and reached out for me. Linking our hands over the boys, we settled down to sleep.
VARIOUS FAMILY MEMBERS and friends came out to the house after the graveside service to remember my brother. I stood in my mother’s kitchen after Devon’s funeral talking with Charlie and Evelyn. The house was crowded, the kitchen more so, and we were crammed into a corner near the refrigerator. I couldn’t sit in the living room anymore with my cousins and Devon’s friends and listen to all the stories they told. If that’s what comforted them, fine, but I wasn’t about to sit and be reminded over and over that I lost an amazing human being. They didn’t understand my pain. They couldn’t. They didn’t know Dev like I did. Nobody did.
I hadn’t seen the boys in a while. I just assumed that they were outside or with one of our relatives, maybe some of their cousins. We had dodged questions about them all afternoon. If they didn’t want to be around anybody, they didn’t have to be. They were seven and five. They shouldn’t have to listen to people they didn’t know or barely knew tell them how sorry they were.
Maggie looked like she was about to burst. She wasn’t a social creature, and she was also surrounded by people she didn’t know. Her knuckles were white where they clenched her wine glass. Her eyes widened whenever someone got too near, and people gravitated to her—and by “people,” I meant of the male variety. Every so often one of my rat bastard cousins or one of Devon’s horny friends would approach her, and the blood would drain out of her face. At one point, I even saw Devon’s drunk and probably high brother-in-law eyeing Maggie up. Sometimes she tried to engage in conversation to be polite, and other moments, she just stiffly shook her head. It always ended the same way. The guy walked away with a look of surprise or disappointment on his face. Maggie wasn’t a girl you picked up somewhere. You had to take the time to get to know her and earn her trust.
Her eyes searched the room again. Once she caught my eye, I held out my hand to her. She launched herself off her chair by the living room window and toddled over on black heels she looked desperate to take off. She glued herself to my side and finally took a large guzzle of the white wine she had been holding for an hour.
“So, the boys will go with you to New Hampshire,” Evelyn said.
“At least for the rest of the summer,” I confirmed, squeezing Maggie’s shoulder and pulling her closer. I could never get her close enough. “They’ll be closer to you, too. You’d easily be able to come up and spend the day or take them with you for a few days. Whatever you want. You only have to call.”
“We appreciate that,” Charlie said, absently reaching up and rubbing Evelyn’s back. “We miss them, being three hours away. Devon was always generous about letting us stay with him whenever we wanted to see the boys. It will be nice being nearer to them.”
“They love you,” I said. “And we’re family.”
“Do you think you’ll make that permanent?” Evelyn asked.
I felt Maggie stiffen a bit at my side. No doubt she wanted to know the answer to that, too, but I just didn’t know. “I guess it depends on how they like it there. I want to do what’s best for them. I just don’t know what that is.”
“We’re here for any help or guidance you need,” Evelyn offered. “I’m sure we faced the same challenges you will. With four kids, we pretty much conquered it all.”
I didn’t mention that one of their kids was an utter asshole, had been one of the fucks hitting on my girlfriend, and was already too drunk to drive his shitty ass home. He didn’t use to be that way. He took Lindsey’s death hard, but that had been almost five years ago. It was past time he got his shit back together. Maybe he’d go down to the ocean and fall in.
No such luck. The man himself stumbled into the kitchen.
“Hey, Pops!” He smacked Charlie on the shoulder, before pulling another beer out of the cooler on the floor next to the table full of food.
“I think maybe you’re done there, Joe,” Charlie responded.
“I’m too old to be cut off,” Joe said, before Maggie caught his eye as she leaned into me. “Oh, you like the quiet, nerdy type, eh?” He swaggered over. Ah, the boys’ drunk Uncle Joe. Didn’t every family have one? He had long ditched his suit jacket and tie. The top buttons on his shirt were open. I cringed at his image. It was as offensive to me as Comic Sans font.
I was about to step in and tell him to fuck off. I didn’t care how close he was to Devon. His condition was disrespectful to us.
“Yeah, I go for sober guys,” Maggie said. I raised my brow at the forcefulness in her tone. Confrontation was unlike her. “And ones that don’t try to pick up a girl at a funeral.”
Jerking his head back like she’d slapped him, Joe looked surprised. “And Si-Guy goes for the frigid ones.”
“Joseph,” Evelyn hissed at her son. “Get yourself some coffee, sober up, and stop being disrespectful. You’re embarrassing us.”
A flash of hurt crossed Joe’s eyes, but he’d earned his mother’s tongue lashing. “Think I’ll head out back where people are having fun.” Thankfully, he removed himself from our presence. He reeked of pot, too. A house full of cops and Devon’s dickhead brother-in-law gets high. What a winner.
“I’m so sorry I was mean to him.” Maggie apologized to Evelyn and Charlie. “I usually don’t engage behavior like that.”
“Oh, no, honey,” Evelyn said, reaching out a hand to Maggie’s arm. “We’re the ones who are sorry. We’ve been trying to get him into a program for years, and he keeps dropping out. He and Lindsey were very close, and he took her death harder than we thought. We thought Devon would be able to bring him around, but nothing’s worked.”
“He has to want it.” My tone was sharper than I intended. “He has to hit rock bottom, and unfortunately, he hasn’t done that yet.”
“I think I’m going to go on a hunt for the boys,” Maggie said, pulling away. “I just want to make sure they’re okay and some well-meaning person doesn’t have them cornered.”
“Go get changed after you find them,” I said. “You look beautiful, you always do, but I know those shoes are hurting you.”
Chuckling, she toed them off. “For someone that wears boots and flipflops all the time, I’m like Bambi on ice in these things.”
Evelyn smiled. Lindsey was Charlie and Evelyn’s only daughter. Their three sons had all been older tha
n her. I think Evelyn was happy to have someone about her daughter’s age around again.
Maggie smiled before she slipped past me and escaped up the back stairs leading from the kitchen. I didn’t have a choice but to be down here, and I didn’t blame her need to hide for a little while one bit. At least now, I’d have the excuse soon to go check on her ... maybe find her alone in my bedroom ...
Charlie’s heavy sigh brought me out of my thoughts. “That’s not going to end well.” He was looking out the kitchen window. Joe was on the back porch, clearly smoking a joint, while some of Devon’s fellow officers were shooting hoops. They wouldn’t make a scene at my mother’s house, but they’d take care of Joe.
Since I wasn’t remotely close to drunk, I reached for another beer and popped the top off.
“I think I’ll join you,” Charlie said, reaching for his own beer.
I looked at the clock. It was only three in the afternoon. The food would hold out for a few more hours, but with any luck, the alcohol would run out and people would leave. I really couldn’t wait for this day to be over.
WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR that people were settling in for an evening at the Webber’s, Evelyn started putting the leftover food into containers. When that didn’t get people’s attention, she gathered up the alcohol and brought it into the garage refrigerator then locked the door. When no coffee and tea were served, people gradually got the hint. I was for just making an announcement that it was time for everyone to get the fuck out, but my mother would have none of that. This was Devon’s day of remembrance, and she wanted to make sure everyone had their chance to visit and tell their stories.
