Delivered Through the Storm

by Nicole Garcia

“Well obviously not enough to want to be together because right now, I’d do anything and everything in my power to keep this family from breaking apart.”

  “But at what cost Ryder? Do you want the boys to be unhappy? Because that’s exactly what they’ll be if they go live with their father. Then what?”

  “I hope you don’t think I’m just going to leave my boys and never see them again. That’s not going to happen Madison.”

  “That’s exactly what’s going to happen. You have no say in the matter. They are not your boys.”

  *****

  Ryder

  They are not your boys. Her words slice through my heart like a hot knife searing through a stick of butter. How can she say something like that knowing how much they mean to me. “Those boys are more mine than they are his! I’ve spent every minute of my free time with them. They’re mine. You’re mine.”

  She lowers her heads, her voice a shaky sob. “Not anymore.”

  “I guess not.” I stomp over to the front door, reaching for the knob to leave, but I can’t go. I need to see the boys one last time. I turn to face her again. Watching her struggle like this is just as painful as the agony pouring out of my own open wounds. “Let me at least say good-bye to the boys.” I know she’s about to tell me no, so I cut her off before she opens mouth to deny my request. “Please.”

  She sighs and her shoulders slump, but she relents, waving her arm toward the hall. “Okay.”

  One foot in front of the other, that’s what I have to recite in my head to get me to Aiden’s room because if I don’t, I’ll be liable to freeze where I stand. I never thought I’d be doing this. I know some relationships aren’t made to last forever, but shit, I thought I finally found that special person I could spend the rest of my life with. I guess that’s just my luck. As soon as things are going right in my life, a wrench gets thrown into the mix and fucks me up like a stick in the spokes of a moving bicycle wheel. One minute I’m riding high and the next I’m falling head over heels, crashing to the pavement. I always find a way to bounce back from hard times, but I have no fucking idea how I’m going to recover from the heartache of losing Madison and these boys. They have consumed me wholeheartedly. Every waking moment was devoted to them. What am I going to do without them?

  I softly knock on the door and push it open. Both boys are sitting on the floor watching T.V. with their empty bowls pushed out in front of them. A lump begins to form in my throat and my eyes sting from holding back the tears that are threatening to fall. I have to be strong for them. Aiden needs me to be strong for the both of us. I clear my throat. “Hey guys, can I talk to you for a minute?”

  I pick Caleb up off the floor and sit on the bed. He settles on my lap and rests his head against my chest. I comb my fingers through his soft, platinum locks and lean in to smell his baby shampooed hair. I pat the space next to me for Aiden to sit. “Aiden, I have to go.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you later.” He jumps off the bed, making a beeline toward the door.

  “Freeze! Come back here please.”

  “What?”

  I nod to the empty spot on the bed. “Park it.”

  He plops on the bed, making the mattress bounce and huffs out a breath. “Fine.”

  I shake my head and smile. I’m going to miss this kid more than words can say. “Like I was saying, I have to go.”

  “I said okay, I’ll see you later.”

  “No, what I mean is I’m leaving and I won’t be back, not for a really long time.”

  He shoots up, his eyebrows furrow, staring at me in confusion. “You said you’d never leave!” Tears rolls down his flushed cheeks and he starts to back away from me. “You promised!”

  “I know I promised. I’m so sorry Aiden. I don’t want to go, I have to.”

  “No you don’t. You’re leaving me just like my Dad did. You’re a liar!”

  “Aiden please...” I reach for him, but he yanks his arm away. “Aiden please sit down a minute.” He’s reluctant at first, but then sits next to me. I wrap my free arm around his shoulder and slide him closer to me. “I’m sorry Aiden. I really don’t want to leave you guys, it’s just what’s best for you and your Mom right now.”

  He sobs, wiping the tears still streaming down his face. “I don’t understand.”

  I hug him tight, placing a kiss on top of his head. “I don’t either little man.” I stand and set Caleb down where I was sitting as I reach into my back pocket to pull out my wallet. I kneel in front of Aiden and tip his chin up so he’s looking at me. “Hey, if I give you something, would you promise to take care of it for me?”

  “Okay.”

  Pulling out the picture I had in my wallet for the past ten years, I hand it to him. It’s faded and ripped in a couple of the corners, but this raggedy thing is my prized possession.

  “Who is this?”

  “That’s my Dad, and that’s me when I was about your age.” I smile. I can recall that day still so vividly after all these years. It had been one of the greatest days of my life. I remember my father carrying me on his shoulders throughout the entire amusement park as I ate cotton candy perched on the shoulders. I can still smell the aftershave lotion he used to wear.

  “Why are you giving this to me?”

  “Because it’s important to me. Just like you’re important to me. When you get sad I want you to look at this picture and these happy faces because that’s how happy you and Caleb make me every day. I want you to remember all the fun we had and remember someone loves you. I will always love you Aiden, whether I’m here or not. Just know that wherever I am, I’ll be thinking of you. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Take good care of that picture for me. I may want it back one day.”

  “I will.”

  “Good, now bring it in.” I hold my arms out and he flies into them, squeezing my neck until I can barely breathe.

  Sobbing into the bend of my neck, his next words break me. “I don’t want you to go Ryder, I want you to stay and be my Dad.”

  I fist the back of his shirt, crushing him to my chest. Blazing hot tears scorch my skin; my chest cracked wide open, spilling out my broken heart for the family we’ll never be. “Me too, little man.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Ryder

  It’s been three weeks since I’ve had any contact with Madison or the boys. I glance at the watch on my wrist. Twenty-one days, fourteen hours, six minutes, and thirty-seven... thirty-eight... thirty-nine seconds to be exact. Every tick that goes by is another second I’m not spending with them. The first couple of days I was gone, I was able to handle the pain a bit better since I got to talk to Aiden. That was until Madison kindly informed me she would not be passing the phone to her son because it would only confuse him and make him more upset when I didn’t go back. Now, the never-ending ache in my chest can only be described as brutal.

  I can’t believe I’m sitting here alone in my brand-new house, staring at the empty Christmas tree standing in the corner of the living room. The tree we were supposed to decorate together. There’s still no furniture in any of the rooms except for my bed and that damn dining table I can’t bear to eat at. The fact that I had Madison bent over that very table while I fucked her raw is an image I can never forget no matter how hard I try. Her nail marks are carved into the wood for fucks sake.

  She’s everywhere. I see her wherever I go, mistake her for strangers walking down the street. She’s a part of me, part of my heart, part of my soul. No one could ever, will ever take her place in my life. I scoff. “Yeah right, what fucking life?”

  This is what it’s come down to, sitting on the floor, talking to myself in an empty house, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with my empty fucking life. I miss those boys. I miss them so goddamn much it hurts. Maybe this is my punishment for treating women like my own personal playthings, not caring about them one bit after I got what I wanted. Yep, this is definitely my punishment. The one time I finally let my guard down and all
ow people into my heart was the moment they were ripped out of my life forever. Karma is a bitch and right now I’m getting fucked in the ass big time. The loud knock on the door brings me out of my self-loathing for half a second, then I go right back to sulking and feeling sorry for myself.

  Quito’s voice booms from the other side of the door. “I know you’re in there Ryder. Open the door!”

  “Just leave me alone!” I scream back.

  “Ryder, open the fucking door before I kick it in. It’s fucking cold out here and it’s starting to snow!”

  “Then go home!”

  “Ryder!”

  Reluctantly, I get up off the floor and go open the door for him. A strong, blistery gust of wind hits my face as snow blows inside onto my shiny, hardwood floor. I don’t wait for him to come in. I walk right back into the living and sit on the floor next to my pathetic, undecorated tree.

  The front door slams and Quito takes off his coat. He glances around the room. After finding no place where he can rest his jacket, he throws it on the floor and sits across from me. “How long are you going to be like this?”

  “Be like what?”

  “Like this.” He says, moving his hand up and down in front of me.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about you sitting here, alone in this house day after day. The only time you leave is to go to work and then you come back here to do this. You haven’t been to Mommy’s house for dinner in weeks, you still haven’t put one piece of furniture in here since you moved in, and you never answer my calls anymore. Look, I know you’re hurting man, but you have to get over it already. Move on.”

  “Move on?! How the fuck can I move on when I lost the only woman I’ve ever loved?” I rise to my feet and begin pacing, raking my fingers through my messy, unbrushed hair. “I can’t move on. I don’t know how to go on without her and those boys. The only time I felt like I was a part of something special was when I was with them. Tell me how I’m supposed to just forget them. Tell me!”

  He stands and places his hand on my shoulder. “I don’t have all the answers man, I…”

  “No, you don’t have any answers at all. Not the ones I need to fill this empty hole in my heart. Just...just get out of here and leave me alone. Let me wallow in my own misery.”

  “I will not stand here and watch you wither away. If you want her, find a way to get her back. You need to get a grip and figure what you’re going to do because I guarantee what you’ve been doing is over as of right now.”

  “It’s too late to get her back. She’s already made up her mind.”

  “Fine, if you’re giving up then move the fuck on already. This is the last time we’re going to be talking about her. Now wake the fuck up, go take a shower, and let’s go shopping for some furniture. I refuse to sit on this hard ass floor another day when I come over.”

  After dragging me downtown through the snow-covered streets to buy furniture, Quito follows me back into the house, carrying numerous bags of groceries into the kitchen. The furniture won’t be delivered until next week because of the upcoming holiday. My shoulders slump. Christmas will be here in less than a week and I’ll be spending it alone instead of having my family with me. I’m not going to my Mom’s or to Quito’s mother’s house this year. I don’t want to have to sit around and look at all the happy faces at the dinner table while I suffer in silence.

  “Hey! ¿oíste lo que dije?”

  I shake the fog out of my grief-stricken brain. “No, I didn’t. What did you say?”

  “Ay, dios mio.” He looks up at the ceiling. “Dame fuerza, por favor.”

  “Why are you asking Him for strength? I’m the one who’s hurting right now.”

  “You’re hurting because you choose to.” He opens a few cabinets until he finds a pan and places it on the stove. “Choose to do something else instead of moping around here all day. Do something useful and start cutting up the meat for the sandwiches.”

  I place the roast pork we bought at a local Cuban restaurant onto the cutting board. “I’m telling your mother you bought this instead of making it yourself.”

  “Go ahead, tell her and voy a un cocotaso en la cabeza.”

  Hearing Quito use his mother’s Spanish slang, threatening to hit me on the head, has me laughing for the first time in weeks. “Estoy llamando mami.”

  “Go ahead, call her.”

  I cock an eyebrow at him. “Do you really want me to call her and tell her you threatened to hit me?”

  “She won’t believe a word you say.”

  I reach into my pocket, pulling out my cell. “How sure are you about that? You know I’m her favorite.”

  “Give me that.” He says, snatching the phone out of my hand and slips it into his back pocket.

  I chuckle. “That’s what I thought.”

  He shoves a plate full of food in my chest. “Go sit down.”

  Taking the dish from him, I turn toward the living to sit on the floor.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To sit down and eat.”

  “What’s wrong with the table?”

  “Nothing.” I take a seat all the way at the far end of the table; away from the spot that holds one of the best memories in my entire life. The first time I was buried inside her, so deep, so raw...My eyes dart over to Quito, who is currently looking at me like I have two heads. “What?”

  He sets his plate right next to the damage Madison scratched into the wood surface. “Do I have a contagious disease? Why are you sitting way down there?”

  “What does it matter where I sit?”

  He picks up his sandwich and takes a big bite. “Fine, sit wherever the fuck you want.” Sliding his plate over, he rubs the score marks. “What happened here? It looks like some animal tore it up. This is a great table, we can probably buff out the scratches easy enough with…”

  “No! Don’t fucking touch this table.”

  “Okay! Shit. I was just trying to help you out. You really need to get out of this damn house. You’re going insane.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Madison

  The second Ryder left this house was the instant our world came tumbling down around us. I haven’t been sleeping much. The boys have been so depressed they’ve just been sitting around watching T.V. in Aiden’s room as soon as they get home from school and daycare. We barely talk. We barely eat. It feels like we’re in mourning over the death of a loved one. In a way, I guess we are because a part of us died when he left. I thought the worst had been over. I thought letting him go was going to be the painful part. Boy was I wrong. Not having Ryder here every day is a pain I can never explain. It’s complete torture. Especially seeing how much the boys miss him.

  I have to constantly remind myself I’m doing this for the sake of my children’s happiness and even though they’re having a rough time now, I can only hope things will get better. Mitch dropped the custody proceedings and though it’s been three weeks since I’ve talked to him last, he finally called this morning and offered to take Aiden to school. Was I shocked? Most definitely. Did I want him stopping by and picking up Aiden? Hell the fuck no. I was so accustomed to Ryder helping me out with the boys it had become a routine for us. Ryder was always happy, and having a morning person in the house made everything fun. The boys never went to school or daycare in a bad mood or upset over anything. They never cried or complained when Ryder was around, well, not outside what was normal for kids their age. Now, all they do is mope around and sometimes burst into tears for no reason at all. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Deep down I know Ryder’s absence in their lives may have caused irreversible damage to their little hearts. I know I’ll never be the same without him.

  I zip up my boots and make sure I have an extra sweater in my bag. It started to snow again about an hour ago and when I looked at the weather app on my phone it said the conditions would get progressively worse throughout the day. I considered leaving the boys home and
taking the day off, but it wasn’t supposed to get really bad until tonight. I’m used to all this snow. Living in Minnesota all my life, this is nothing new. We don’t live far from the main streets and they’re pretty much clear, so a few hours out of the house won’t kill us. Besides, getting out of here for a while will give us a distraction from everything going on.

  The doorbell rings and I open the door to find Mitch standing on the porch. I don’t say anything to him. I step aside and allow him to enter. He doesn’t say anything to me either. I’m sure the glare I’m giving him may have something to do with it. I slam the door and brush past him. I grab my keys and snacks for the baby from the counter and throw them into my purse. “Aiden! Let’s go! Your dad is here to take you to school!” Aiden comes running down the hall with the biggest smile on his face. I haven’t seen him this happy in weeks. Maybe I did make the right decision after all. Maybe spending some time with Mitch will do him some good. Aiden stops dead in his tracks when he reaches us, the vision of happiness now replaced with an angry expression.

  His lips become a tight line and his eyes begin to flood with tears. “You’re not my dad!” Spinning on his heels, he races back to his room and slams the door behind him.

  Mitch turns to me, pointing at me accusingly. “You did this!”

  “I didn’t do anything. This is all your fault! You were the one who abandoned us. You’re the one who never spent time with them. Then, as soon as you saw someone was finally taking in interest in me and caring for your kids in a way you never could, you decided to be an asshole and destroy everyone’s happiness. Well, you know what, I’ve put up with your shit for long enough. You always made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of your love. But you’re the one who doesn’t deserve to have us in your life. You had a loving wife and two amazing boys, but that wasn’t enough for you, was it? You had to stick your dick in every fucking pussy that sashayed your way.”