The New Dare to Discipline

by James Dobson

  Some of them are much more aware of the power struggle with their parents than Mom and Dad appear to be. That fact was illustrated numerous times after the original publication of Dare to Discipline. Some kids who couldn’t even read knew there was stuff in that green book that helped their parents control them. One youngster went to a bookshelf, pulled this publication from among hundreds, and proceeded to throw it in the fire. Others were even more explicit about how they felt.

  The mother of a very strong-willed three-year-old shared a story with me that made me smile. This youngster named Laura had managed to wind the entire family around her little finger. She was out of control and seemed to be enjoying it. Both the mother and father were exasperated in trying to deal with their little spitfire—until, that is, Mom happened to be in a bookstore and stumbled across Dare to Discipline. She bought a copy and soon learned, at least according to the opinion of its author, that it is appropriate under certain circumstances to spank a child. Thus, the next time Laura played her defiant games, she got a shocking surprise on her little fanny.

  Laura was a very bright child and she was able to figure out where mama got that idea. Believe it or not, the mother came in the next morning and found her copy of Dare to Discipline floating in the toilet.

  That may be the most graphic editorial comment anyone has made about my writings. I’m told Dr. Benjamin Spock is loved by millions of kids who are being raised according to his philosophy. I have an entire generation that would like to catch me in a blind alley. But I’m also convinced that some young adults who have grown up on love and discipline in balance are now raising their children that way. It is still true today, as it was when they were tots, that a child will be ruled by the rudder or the rock. Some things never change.

  Even with a clear game plan in mind, however, raising kids properly is one of life’s richest challenges. It is not uncommon for a mother, particularly, to feel overwhelmed by the complexity of her parental assignment. In many homes, she is the primary protector for each child’s health, education, intellect, personality, character, and emotional stability. As such, she must serve as physician, nurse, psychologist, teacher, minister, cook and policeman. Since in many cases she is with the children longer each day than her husband, she is the chief disciplinarian and main giver of security and love.

  The reality is that she and her husband will not know whether or not she is handling these matters properly until it is too late to change her methodology. Furthermore, Mom’s responsibilities extend far beyond her children. She must also meet her obligations to her husband, her church, her relatives, her friends, and often times, her employer. Each of these areas demands her best effort, and the conscientious mother often finds herself racing through the day in a breathless attempt to be all things to all people.

  Most healthy individuals can tolerate encircling pressures as long as each responsibility can be kept under relative control. Hard work and diligence are personally rewarding, provided anxiety and frustration are kept at a minimum. However, much greater self-control is needed when a threatening problem develops in one of the critical areas.

  That is, if a child becomes very ill, marital problems erupt, or Mom is unjustly criticized in the neighborhood, then the other routine tasks become more difficult to accomplish. Certainly, there are occasions in the life of every mother when she looks in the mirror and asks, “How can I make it through this day?” The simple suggestions in the remaining portion of this book are designed to help her answer that exasperated question.

  1. Reserve some time for yourself. It is important for a mother to put herself on the priority list, too. At least once a week she should play tennis, go bowling or shopping, stop by the gym, or simply “waste” an occasional afternoon. It is unhealthy for anyone to work all the time, and the entire family will profit from her periodic recreation.

  Even more important is the protection and maintenance of romance in her marriage. A husband and wife should have a date every week or two, leaving the children at home and forgetting the day’s problems for an evening. If the family’s finances seemingly prohibit such activities, I suggest that other expenditures be re-examined. I believe that money spent on togetherness will yield many more benefits than an additional piece of furniture or a newer automobile. A woman finds life much more enjoyable if she knows she is the sweetheart, and not just the wife, of her husband.

  2. Don’t struggle with things you can’t change. The first principle of mental health is to learn to accept the inevitable. To do otherwise is to run with the brakes on. Too many people make themselves unhappy over insignificant irritants which should be ignored. In these cases, contentment is no more stable than the weakest link in the chain of circumstances surrounding their lives. All but one of the conditions in a particular woman’s life might be perfect: she has good health, a devoted husband, happy children, plenty of food, warmth and shelter, and a personal challenge. Nevertheless, she might be miserable because she doesn’t like her mother-in-law. This one negative element can be allowed to overshadow all the good fortune surrounding her.

  Life has enough crises in it without magnifying our troubles during good times, yet peace of mind is often surrendered for such insignificant causes. I wonder how many women are discontented today because they don’t have something which either wasn’t invented or wasn’t fashionable just fifty years ago. Men and women should recognize that dissatisfaction with life can become nothing more than a bad habit—a costly attitude that can rob them of life’s pleasures.

  3. Don’t deal with big problems late at night. Fatigue does strange things to human perception. After a hard day, the most simple tasks may appear insurmountable. All problems seem more unsolvable at night, and the decisions that are reached then may be more emotional than rational. When couples discuss finances or other family problems in the wee hours, they are asking for trouble. Their tolerance to frustration is low, often leading to fights which should never have occurred. Tension and hostility can be avoided by simply delaying important topics until morning. A good night’s sleep and a rich cup of coffee can go a long way toward defusing the problem.

  4. Try making a list. When the work load gets particularly heavy there is comfort to be found in making a list of the duties to be performed. The advantages of writing down one’s responsibilities are threefold: (1) You know you won’t forget anything. (2) You guarantee that the most important jobs will get done first. Thus, if you don’t get finished by the end of the day, you will have at least done the items that were most critical. (3) You leave a record of accomplishments by crossing tasks off the list as they are completed.

  5. Seek divine assistance. The concepts of marriage and parenthood were not human inventions. God, in his infinite wisdom, created and ordained the family as the basic unit of procreation and companionship. The solutions to the problems of modern parenthood can be found through the power of prayer and personal appeal to the Creator. Indeed, I believe parents should commit themselves to daily prayer and supplication on behalf of their children. The task is too scary on our own, and there is not enough knowledge on the books (including this one) to guarantee the outcome of our parenting duties. We desperately need divine help with the job!

  The principles of discipline which I have summarized in this book can hardly be considered new ideas. Most of these recommendations were first written in the Scripture, dating back at least two thousand years to biblical times. Consider the clarity with which the following verses outline a healthy parental attitude toward children and vice versa.

  “He [the father] must have proper authority in his own household, and be able to control and command the respect of his children. (For if a man cannot rule in his own house how can he look after the Church of God?)” (1 Timothy 3:4-5, Phillips).

  This verse acknowledges the fact that respect must be “commanded.” It is not a by-product of human nature, but it is inherently related to control and discipline.

  “My son, do not regard lightly
the discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage when you are punished by him. For the Lord disciplines him whom he loves [Note: Discipline and love work hand and hand; one is a function of the other.] and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons; for what son is there whom the father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers to discipline us and we respected them. . . . [Note: The relationship between discipline and respect was recognized more than two thousand years ago.] For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:5-9, 11, RSV)

  The purpose of this Scripture is to demonstrate that the parent’s relationship with his child should be modeled after God’s relationship with man. In its ultimate beauty, that interaction is characterized by abundant love—a love unparalleled in tenderness and mercy. This same love leads the benevolent father to guide, correct, and even bring some pain to the child when it is necessary for his eventual good. I find it difficult to comprehend how this message has been so thoroughly misunderstood during the past twenty years.

  “Children, the right thing for you to do is to obey your parents as those whom God has set over you. The first commandment to contain a promise was: ‘Honor thy father and thy mother that it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the earth.’ Fathers, don’t over-correct your children or make it difficult for them to obey the commandment. Bring them up with Christian teaching in Christian discipline.” (Ephesians 6:1-4, Phillips)

  “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” (Proverbs 22:15, KJV)

  This recommendation has troubled some people, leading them to claim that the “rod” was not a paddle, but a measuring stick with which to evaluate the child. The following passage was included expressly for those who were confused on that point.

  “Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.” (Proverbs 23:13-14, KJV)

  Certainly, if the “rod” is a measuring stick, you now know what to do with it? (Note: Please don’t grill me on this. I would ask that you heed all of my disclaimers related to child abuse, which I expressed in earlier chapters—especially on pages 11-12.)

  “He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” (Proverbs 13:24, KJV)

  “The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” (Proverbs 29:15, KJV)

  “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” (Proverbs 29:17, KJV)

  From Genesis to Revelation, there is consistent foundation on which to build an effective philosophy of parent-child relationships. It is my belief that we have departed from the standard which was clearly outlined in both the Old and New Testaments, and that deviation is costing us a heavy toll in the form of social turmoil. Self-control, human kindness, respect, and peacefulness can again be manifest in America if we will dare to discipline in our homes and schools.

  Let me leave you, now, with a wonderful old poem written by Alice Pearson. It focuses on the most vital responsibility in parenting—that of introducing our children to Jesus Christ and getting them safely through this dangerous and turbulent world. That should be, after all, the ultimate goal for every believing parent the world over.

  Are All the Children In?

  I think oftimes as night draws nigh,

  Of an old house on the hill,

  And of a yard all wide

  And blossom-starred

  Where the children played at will.

  And when the night at last came down

  Hushing the merry din,

  Mother would look around and ask,

  “Are all the children in?”

  Oh, it’s many and many a year since then,

  And the old house on the hill

  No longer echoes to childish feet,

  And the yard is still, so still.

  But I see it all as the shadows creep,

  And though many the years have been since then,

  I can hear mother ask,

  “Are all the children in?”

  I wonder if when the shadows fall

  On the last short earthly day;

  When we say goodbye to the world outside

  All tired with our childish play;

  When we step out into the other land

  Where mother so long has been,

  Will we hear her ask,

  Just as of old,

  “Are all the children in?”1

  Appendix

  A Quick Survey

  of Drugs

  and

  Substance Abuse

  for Parents

  There is no more certain destroyer of self-discipline and self-control than the abusive use of drugs. Teens who have begun taking drugs, in whatever form, often show a sudden disinterest in everything that formerly challenged them. Their school work is ignored and hobbies are forgotten. Their personal appearance often becomes sloppy. They refuse to carry responsibility and avoid activities that require effort. Their relationship with parents deteriorates rapidly, and they suddenly terminate many of their lifelong friendships. Young drug users are clearly marching to a new set of drums—and disaster often awaits them at the end of the trail.

  To help parents recognize and understand a possible drug problem in their sons and daughters, we have provided the following overview of the basics. I pray that neither you, nor they, will ever need it. Though some of the facts are technical, I recommend that you carefully study and even memorize the important details from this summary, and review the glossary of drug-world slang later in this chapter. I am indebted to several law enforcement agencies and other sources for their help in compiling this information.1

  WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF

  DRUG ABUSE?

  At the beginning of this appendix I mentioned several of the attitudinal and behavioral characteristics of individuals who use harmful drugs. Listed below are eight related physical and emotional symptoms that may indicate drug abuse by your child.

  1. Inflammation of the eyelids and nose is common. The pupils of the eyes are either very wide or very small, depending on the kind of drugs used.

  2. Extremes of energy may be represented. The individual may be sluggish, gloomy, and withdrawn . . . or loud, hysterical, and jumpy.

  3. The appetite is extreme—either very great or very poor. Weight loss may occur.

  4. The personality suddenly changes. The individual may become irritable, inattentive, and confused . . . or aggressive, suspicious, and explosive.

  5. Body and breath odor is often bad. Cleanliness may be ignored.

  6. The digestive system may be upset—diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting may occur. Headaches and double vision are also common. Other signs of physical deterioration may include change in skin tone and body stance.

  7. With intravenous drug users, needle marks on the body, usually appearing on the arms, are an important symptom. These punctures sometimes get infected and appear as sores and boils.

  8. Moral values often crumble and are replaced by new, outlandish ideas and values. Each drug produces its own unique symptoms. Thus, the above list is not specific to a particular substance. Parents who suspect their child is using dangerous drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) should contact their family physician immediately.

  WHERE ARE THE

  DRUGS OBTAINED?

  Illicit drugs are surprisingly easy to obtain by adolescents. The family medicine cabinet usually offers a handy stockpile of prescription drugs, cough medicines, tranquilizers, sleeping pills, reducing aids, and pain killers. Paint thinner, glue, and other toxic materials in th
e garage are also liable to be used as a means of getting high. Furthermore, a physician can be tricked into prescribing the desired drugs. A reasonably intelligent person can learn from a medical text the symptoms of diseases which are usually treated with the drug he wants.

  Prescriptions can also be forged and passed at local pharmacies. Some drugs reach the street market after having been stolen from pharmacies, doctor’s offices or manufacturer’s warehouses. However, the vast majority of drugs are smuggled into this country. Surprisingly, many of them are first manufactured here and sold abroad before finding their way back as contraband.

  HOW MUCH DO DRUGS COST?

  Though the prices of various illicit drugs vary a great deal from area to area and dealer to dealer, depending on quantity and quality, the following figures represent the approximate black market values for the substances indicated at the present time:

  1. Amphetamines: $1 and up per pill.

  2. Methamphetamine: $10 per injection or snort. It is widely available in both powder and “ice” formulations, and typically sold in small plastic bags containing about a quarter-gram of the drug. Many people call it the “poor man’s cocaine.”

  3. Barbiturates: $1 and up per pill.

  4. Marijuana cigarettes: $2.50 and up for each. Marijuana is commonly sold in small plastic bags for $10 (enough for three to four cigarettes). Due to advanced growing techniques, today’s marijuana is about three times as strong as what was available to the Woodstock generation during the ’60s and ’70s. By the pound, cheap homegrown marijuana sells for approximately $250. The same amount of a more potent, better grade marijuana can sell for anywhere between $1,300 and $3,000.

  5. Heroin: $10 to $25 per injection. It is often packaged for sale in small kiddy balloons for $30 and up (enough for three “hits”). A pound, with an average street purity of 10%, costs $20,000 to $25,000. Heroin is still as popular today as it ever has been, though cocaine and marijuana currently seem to attract more attention in the media.