If Not for a Bee

by Carol Ross

  She saw Aidan’s jaw tighten. He looked beyond her shoulder as if he was the one now searching for patience. Then he focused on her. And here she thought she’d seen intensity in his silver-gray gaze after the shirtless basketball game. That had been child’s play compared to this. He was clearly angry, but how dare he be angry with her?

  “Janie, can you not hear yourself? You can’t wish this away and hope it gets better, and you can’t protect Reagan all the time—forever. Reagan needs to learn how to take care of himself. Yes, he’s going to get hurt sometimes in the process. He’s even going to fail, but those stumbles will teach him how to be the most successful man he can be. Being smart doesn’t guarantee a person success in life. It doesn’t guarantee respect and it certainly doesn’t guarantee happiness. In fact, it can actually be a kind of hindrance.”

  “Hindrance?” she repeated skeptically.

  “Yes, high intelligence can make a person socially awkward. People skills are something you have to learn—socializing does not always come easy to people like us. And you can’t use his genius as an excuse.”

  “But Gareth...”

  An unsettling revelation halted her words; she’d been about to say that Gareth helps Reagan—helps her protect him. Since Cal had died she’d been operating under the notion that Gareth would always be around to help his brother, when she knew very well that he wouldn’t be. He wouldn’t even be around next year as the two boys would be in different buildings at school. It wasn’t fair of her to put that kind of pressure on Gareth, not to mention her actions were leaving Reagan vulnerable. Janie suddenly felt sick.

  Aidan was shaking his head and the look on his face was worse than any pain his brutal observations had yet caused her. His features were awash with pity; he felt sorry for her. Her entire body went hot with embarrassment even as her heart ached. The realization hit her hard that even though she’d been trying, she’d been failing as a mother in this incredibly important way.

  She felt a meltdown coming on as tears clouded her vision.

  “Can you ask Tag to bring the boys home?”

  “I can bring them home.”

  She wanted to tell him no, that she didn’t want him spending time with the boys anymore, but she knew she couldn’t be that rash, that small. That would make things even harder on Gareth and Reagan. She had to think past her bruised pride. But she needed a minute—her heart hurt, like it was suddenly being compressed inside of her chest.

  “Janie, are you...okay?”

  She shook her head. “No, I’m not. I can’t talk about this anymore right now, Aidan, but you really have gone too far. You—”

  “Yes, you can.”

  “What?”

  “You can talk about this. That’s your problem, Janie. Where your boys are concerned—you won’t hear anything that you don’t want to hear. You keep hoping everything will get better on its own.”

  She couldn’t take any more of this. She turned to go. But he reached out and stopped her by placing a hand on her arm.

  “Please, don’t go. Just listen for a minute. I know you can see how happy Reagan has been while spending time with me, and I’ve already noticed a change in Gareth, as well, the last few weeks. But your boys have some problems and I think some of them are undoubtedly the result of losing their father, but others stem from different issues and circumstances that you don’t seem to fully comprehend or understand—”

  “I don’t need to hear any more about what a bad mother I am, Aidan.”

  A look of unbridled surprise appeared on his face. “I never said you were a bad mother. I said your boys have some problems that you don’t understand or you’re not willing to address—”

  “See? I don’t ‘understand’—those are the kinds of statements that make me feel like a bad mom. Telling me my boys have problems.” Even though in her sinking, aching heart she knew he was right, she still didn’t want to hear it from him. How could he understand these complex issues when she didn’t fully comprehend them herself?

  “Everyone has problems, Janie. What would make you a bad mom is if you didn’t try something that was right here at your disposal to attempt to fix these issues.”

  She shook her head and tried to think. He’d basically just confirmed her worst fears. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She didn’t know how to fix any of this...

  “Janie, trust me, I know what I’m doing. I... I was bullied when I was in school. Horrible, terrible stuff—way worse than anything Reagan has experienced...so far. School was hell for me until I learned how to deal with these things. And that’s the point—I’ve seen kids like these guys in action. I witnessed Harmon harassing Reagan at the school a few weeks ago. It was bad, and I can guarantee you that he’s not going to stop.”

  Janie stared. She couldn’t imagine him being bullied. Aidan was so...so cool. And yet he did have a side to him—the awkwardness that most people probably wouldn’t notice, but she could see, in part because Reagan shared the same traits; the tendency to tell the truth when diplomacy might serve him better, the observations that made people uncomfortable, the sometimes overinformative lectures that could leave listeners feeling rather inadequate as well as educated.

  And her poor Reagan... “I do want to fix this for him. It’s just... I’ve tried so hard to keep him safe...to keep everyone safe. As difficult as this is to admit, Aidan, you’re right. Just like with Gareth, I’ve been telling myself things would get better, hoping the problems would simply go away.”

  Maybe she did need to do something. But...

  But fighting?

  She repeated her earlier sentiment. “I don’t want them to think violence is the answer to their problems.”

  “I understand that, I do. But I’m not going to send Reagan to school and turn him loose on Harmon. That’s not the way this works. It’s about confidence and having the ability to defend yourself if you need to. Remember that kid when you were in school who nobody messed with, but if you really think about it you can’t identify a reason why? And why was that?”

  Janie thought for a second. Bering had been like that. Everyone knew he was tough, but she couldn’t remember him ever fighting. He exuded this toughness; he had a reputation for it, yet he was really a gentle giant. And being big and athletic had also helped, like it did for Gareth.

  Aidan seemed to mirror her thoughts. “Some kids have it naturally—like Gareth. But sometimes kids like me—like Reagan—need some help. I really care about your boys, Janie. I’m confident this will help. My grandfather did this for me—taught me how to box—and it changed my life. Boxing gave me the confidence to play basketball and to try all kinds of things I never would have attempted. And I had to work at it—to practice and improve, which taught me so many important traits. It would have been so easy for me to bury my nose in my books and microscopes and miss out on so much that life has to offer. Let me try this, Janie. Please?”

  She blinked back tears and nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” He repeated the word and she nearly laughed at the shock on his face.

  “Yes. Fine. Teach them how to box. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  “Yes!” He made a fist and his face split into a grin. Janie couldn’t help herself—she grinned back. He was excited by the prospect of helping her children. What mom wouldn’t be happy about that?

  Aidan placed his hands on her shoulders and squeezed gently. His touch was soothing and comforting. His fingers rested lightly on her shoulders and she felt something warm bloom inside of her—something that had iced over three long years ago and had remained frozen ever since.

  Janie longed for him to wrap those strong arms around her as his eyes settled on her lips. She wanted him to kiss her. She hadn’t felt like this since before Cal had passed away. Aidan’s mouth curled upward as his eyes met hers.

  The look
felt inviting and she felt a tug in her chest, like a magnet trying to pull her forward. She had this urge to touch him, to feel for herself if he was as solid as he looked. She brought her hands up and placed them on his chest as if to push open a door.

  His gaze landed briefly on her hands before slipping away. He gave his head a little half-shake as if he was trying to regain his senses. Removing his hands from her shoulders, he took a step back.

  Pinpricks of mortification tingled across her skin as he seemed to change his mind. What in the world had she been thinking? He was gorgeous and smart and way too...much for her. Or more likely she was too much for him. Her life was full of boisterous toddlers and challenging adolescents and complications and...baggage. He could probably carry the sum total of his baggage in one single pocket of his rumpled cargo pants. She had to put her boys first, which sounded so simple, but sometimes—like now—she didn’t know...

  His eyes seemed to be searching her face, but for what she had no clue. “Janie, you won’t regret this,” he said softly. “I promise.”

  “I hope you’re right about that, Aidan.”

  She turned and walked back into Aidan’s lab/home/“boxing arena” and quickly got her act together. As she neared the boys she caught the look of apprehension in Gareth’s expression. She smiled encouragingly and the relief that flashed across his face made her insides clench like she’d just taken a blow.

  Aidan was right; she’d put too much pressure on Gareth. He needed time to be a kid, and she had to find a way to help him come to a resolution where his dad was concerned.

  And Reagan... She wasn’t sure if boxing was the answer but that stuff about him learning something that didn’t necessarily come easy to him...maybe there was something to that. This was without a doubt one of her most difficult mom moments ever.

  Letting go was definitely one of the most challenging aspects of parenthood. She wasn’t about to cut those apron strings, however, but maybe she could loosen the knots a bit.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  AIDAN TALKED HER in to going out into “the field” with him and the boys one sunny Sunday afternoon. After church, they’d gone to brunch at her mom’s house. Most of the family had departed when Aidan asked her if she’d like to join him and the boys for a bee excursion.

  Janie probably would have declined, but her mom’s encouragement coupled with a longing to enjoy some of the glorious weather had her wanting to accept the invitation.

  Claire sealed it by offering to watch the twins and asking, “How can you write this article about Aidan if you don’t see him in action?”

  Her deadline was only days away and even though the article was pretty much finished, Janie’s curiosity got the better of her.

  They’d taken off with a meadow of wildflowers up near the Faraway Inn as their destination. After they reached the spot, Gareth and Reagan gathered their day packs, which were filled with supplies. Gareth attached something around his waist and they took off like they knew exactly what they were doing, which she supposed they did.

  Grass and low brush dotted the rock-strewn area. The air felt balmy for late spring and Janie peeled off her fleece jacket and tied it around her waist. The smell of flowers tickled her nose and her eyes darted around trying to identify the species.

  “So,” Aidan said after he’d captured a fluffy bumblebee in a clear plastic capsule about the size of a quart jar. “Do you want to try taking a sample?”

  He held up the container and Janie was surprised at how calm the bee seemed. She commented on it and Aidan informed her that bumblebees were docile by nature and so single-minded that as long as they had nectar to focus on they didn’t really pay much attention to the fact that they were temporarily trapped.

  “That’s what this little dropper contains right here. It seems fair to give them a free meal in exchange for a DNA sample.”

  She peered at it closely. “That’s pretty neat. Where do you get something like this? Do you just do an internet search for bee-catcher capsule-container thingy?”

  He grinned. “Well, sure, now you can.”

  His gray eyes were dancing with something—pride, maybe? She’d learned over the last few weeks that Aidan wasn’t one to brag about himself. He was honest if you asked the right questions, but he didn’t offer a lot of extraneous, or personal, information.

  “Aidan, did you design this contraption?”

  “I did.”

  “And now you can order them online?”

  “Yep.”

  “No offense, but who would want one?”

  He tipped back his head and laughed. “Well, believe it or not, entomologists. You can get these without the nectar dispenser and in various shapes and sizes. You can use them for other insects.”

  “Awesome,” she said dryly. “I’ll place my order tonight.”

  He chuckled again. “So, what do you think? You want to try taking a sample?”

  “Um, no, thank you.”

  “Why not?” He ambled toward her with that slow grin on his face that Janie had come to know wasn’t quite as lazy and careless as it appeared. In reality there was a-scary-lot going on inside that pretty head of his.

  “I don’t want to hurt it.”

  “Oh, now you don’t want to hurt the bee?”

  Janie felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. She realized that she seemed to always have fun with Aidan, except maybe when he was nosing excessively into her life...

  “This is different. The bee isn’t doing anything to earn my wrath.”

  Aidan grinned. “This doesn’t hurt them.”

  Janie eyed him skeptically. “How could you possibly know that?”

  “Do you really want to me to answer that?”

  “No, never mind.” She’d made the mistake of asking similar types of questions in the last few weeks. The explanations she received sometimes made her eyes glaze over. And she’d thought her eleven-year-old genius could be difficult to follow.

  “All we do is snip a microscopic sample from the middle leg. The bee goes on to live a long, happy, nectar-filled life—by bumblebee standards, that is. The boys are getting really good at it.”

  Janie smiled, managing to tamp down the surge of nerves at the thought of Gareth handling bees. “What are bumblebee standards?”

  “A few weeks, a month, a season if they’re lucky. Queens are the only ones who hibernate over the winter, while the males and the female workers die off.”

  “That’s a lot of living to do in a very short period of time. Reagan said you are checking for diseases, too, and not just taking DNA samples?”

  “Indeed. And yes—we’re looking for mites, viruses, anything out of the ordinary. We’re trying to assess the general health of the native bee population. Bumblebees are the focus, but we’re gathering information on whatever native species we find.”

  “The boys are really enjoying this, Aidan, thank you again. I never thought I’d see Gareth voluntarily within a hundred feet of a bee, much less taking a DNA sample.”

  Aidan took a step closer—too close, she knew, because her pulse started racing whenever he came within a certain radius. Like a Geiger counter or something. Radius measurements and Geiger counters? Clearly science had invaded her life—and a certain scientist in particular had managed to worm his way right into the middle.

  “It’s good to step outside our comfort zones, though, don’t you think? Take risks? Attempt to face our fears?”

  “Um, I don’t know... I suppose.”

  “It is. Trust me. That’s how we really learn.” He set the bee inside of its temporary trap on top of a large rock. The bee was foraging around in the tiny nectar pot and that thought made her smile, because they really did seem like busy little creatures.

  Aidan was staring at her, apparently wait
ing for a response. She looked at him skeptically. “Learn what?”

  He moved again and Janie froze as his lips nearly brushed her ear. Hot zone, she thought, as her pulse shifted into overdrive. She worried he could hear the drumbeat of her heart.

  “What we like,” he whispered. “It’s how we learn exactly what we like. You know what I like?”

  “Bees? Plants? Basketball?” she queried and then swallowed nervously. “Boxing...” Good grief, she sounded like her kids playing charades.

  He was grinning like he knew he made her nervous. How annoying...

  “Yes, I do. I like all of those things. I also like you, Janie.”

  “You...what?”

  “I tried this once before, but I didn’t think you were quite ready. But now...” He took her by the shoulders and leaned his head toward hers. One hand traveled up and slipped around the back of her neck. He paused for a few tension-filled seconds with his lips hovering over hers and she wondered if he was giving her an opportunity to back away. And there was no possible way that was happening. She inched closer so that they were chest-to-chest. Her hands reached up and grasped the collar of his rumpled shirt.

  When his lips covered hers Janie knew she was in serious trouble, even as the fact occurred to her that this shouldn’t be happening for so many reasons. She was too...simple, in direct opposition to her life, which was too complicated. But then again he wasn’t the man for her, either. He was too complicated while his life was too...simple. And yet it felt so...right.

  So for once in her life she quit thinking and instead poured every bit of her scared, lonely, damaged, single-mom self into that kiss. And oh, my...could he kiss. His lips were warm and soft and he made a noise deep in his throat that made her think he felt things for her, too. She probably would never have come to her senses if Aidan hadn’t stopped.

  “Your boys,” he said, but kept an arm looped around her waist. He looked around, making sure they were nowhere in sight. Then his lips found her neck.