Dear Canada: These Are My Words

by Ruby Slipperjack

  Emma came to visit me on Sunday. She likes where she’s living. She lives with a family of four. The mother, father, a boy and a girl about her own age. They all go to the same high school. There are two other Anishinabe girls living there too.

  I noticed that there are strange squirrels here. They are black and very big with big bushy tails! There are strange birds too. I don’t know what they are called. I have to look for pictures of them at the King George School library. That’s the city school we go to. There’s a calendar at the school that has all the holidays written on it. I never knew there were so many special days for stuff.

  Please write to me when you have time. I love you and miss you very much.

  Yours,

  Violet (Pynut)

  I had a cry by the window. I wonder why Grandma hasn’t written to me yet? I was looking out the window, watching the snow come down, and another girl came to stand beside me, and then she began to cry too when she saw me crying. Soon, there were four of us crying, when Miss Tanner saw us. She ordered us away from the window. She was very angry! Nasty crow! I don’t know why she works here if she’s not happy. I have yet to see her smile.

  Wednesday, September 28

  It was really cold going to school this morning. Freezing rain and very windy. We had snow a couple of times, but it didn’t stay on the ground.

  I always feel this hopeless pain or longing in my chest — to go home — and I feel hopeless that I can’t and there’s nothing I can do about it.

  I just finished a pencil drawing of Grandma’s cabin. I even put in her washtub that’s always hanging on the side of the cabin outside, her sawhorse and a pile of wood.

  Thursday, September 29

  I’m sitting under the window. I can smell something delicious cooking from the kitchen downstairs. I might get tired of the breakfast food. It’s either salty porridge or cream of wheat with one piece of toast. But, I’m not complaining. At least I’m not hungry.

  I don’t know where the girls are. I seem to be up here by myself. The younger girls are probably still running around outside. The older girls hang out in the bushes at the back of the building. I could see some boys out there too, when I looked out the back fire-escape window when I came in from school.

  I got a string about 2 feet long from the Science room at King George yesterday. We were standing around by the windows, waiting for the supper bell to ring, when I remembered it. I tied the ends together and I began playing the string games that everybody knows back home. I saw a girl nearby and I stuck out the criss-crossed string to her, and without a word, she immediately turned it into another figure. Then another girl joined us and she turned it into another figure and then a Cree girl joined us and she knew the game too!

  We were not speaking, but just smiling at each other, when one of the older girls walked by and she just reached out and grabbed the string and, glancing around, hissed, “Are you girls stupid?” stuck it into her apron pocket and ran down the stairs. I asked one of the girls, “What’s wrong?” She sighed and said, “We were playing our game — like our language, not allowed. I forgot too.”

  I don’t understand. It was just a game. I hate this place!!

  It snowed a bit. Seeing that made me very homesick. I remember the fun Grandma and I used to have hauling wood in the snow. I wish I was home with Grandma. I just want to go home!!!

  Friday, September 30

  We were really cold on the way to school. Freezing rain and strong winds!

  We have to wear skirts. I wish they’d let us wear pants when it’s cold like this!

  We were all in bed in the dark last night after the Supervisor shut off the lights.

  There’s a girl two beds down from me. She was trying not to forget the Lord’s Prayer in Anishinabe and she said “shigag shigag” for “forever and ever.” That means “skunk skunk” in our language. The words for “forever and ever” should be “kagiga kagiga.” That was really funny! Although she was the only one speaking out loud, we were actually following along with her. That’s why we burst out loud laughing into our pillows when she said “skunk skunk.”

  It was a good thing that the Supervisor did not hear us. I wonder how the girl would have explained that one. I know the Lord’s Prayer in our language because Grandma taught me. Her mother taught it to her. My mother doesn’t know it though.

  October 1966

  Saturday, October 1

  We have different jobs to do now. The duty roster is taped beside the door. I am on dorm- and stairway-sweeping duty. I use a wide push broom for the dorm and a small broom and dustpan for the stairway. One girl tried to step on my hand when she came running down the stairs, but I was too quick.

  We had meatloaf, gravy, mashed potatoes and carrots for supper. Yum!

  I ask what the meal is called if I really like it. They don’t give us seconds, which is a good thing. Otherwise I would be a very fat girl by the time I leave!

  That’s funny because I never used to care what I ate as long as my tummy had some food in it. Grandma cooks better than Mother, I know that. I remember my stepfather, Izzy, saying that all Mother could do was boil or fry food when they first got married. I don’t know that her cooking has improved! But whatever she makes, there’s always a lot of it.

  I just realized that maybe I have been too hard on Izzy. Just because my mother married him doesn’t mean she pushed me aside. Izzy works hard and he’s a very gentle man. He never raises his voice to us and he’s always very cheerful.

  Yeah, I think it was me that made the home at the Reserve not always happy. I just never fit in because Mother and I have always lived with Grandma at Flint Lake until she met and married Izzy.

  I’m getting tired. I’m going to go to bed now. I didn’t like the movie on television tonight so I decided to write this instead.

  Sunday, October 2

  We got a boiled egg each this morning with toast. That was nice.

  My Blackie story is coming along fine. I added in that part about when Blackie saved me from the big trapper’s dog that broke his chain and attacked me on my way home from the store. Blackie charged up and got him off me, but poor Blackie got the bad end of that fight before his owner came to the rescue. I changed it a bit from what actually happened and it made a little better story, I think.

  I have the story in the same kind of paper as my diary — school writing paper cut in four. I tie the pages together with thread. I went into the sewing room one day when the girls were in there mending clothes. One of the older Anishinabe girls took my papers and ran them through on the sewing machine! Now I just fold the paper in half, she sews the middle, and there, I have a little notebook!

  Monday, October 3

  When we got back after school, a screaming fight broke out in the washroom. Two girls were screaming at each other in Anishinabe and everyone cleared out quickly.

  I could understand them but I couldn’t make any sense of what they were yelling about, when suddenly Miss Tanner rushed into the washroom and ushered them out and down the stairs to the office.

  I asked the girl beside me what they were going to do to them. She just looked at me and said “strap.” I hear it’s a yardstick that the Principal uses to punish people who do something wrong — we are strictly not allowed to use our own language in this place. English only.

  Which reminds me, I thought I was pretty good with my English, and writing in particular. But I’m discovering that I’m not as good as I thought I was. My English papers keep coming back from the teacher with great red marks and Xs. I can’t figure out what is wrong with my writing most of the time. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

  Tuesday, October 4

  There was a beige dog running flat out around the park when we were coming home from school. It kept running back and forth, and several times it ran toward us and then it would run back to the park again. I think it was really panicked and lost. Poor dog. I just started crying. It reminded me of Jennie’s first dog, Chuck. It was
really sad when he got hit by a train and died.

  An Indian Affairs doctor came to the school to check us over. We had to go in one by one and come out through another door. I was walking behind some older girls and I overheard one girl saying that the doctor had touched her in places that she didn’t think had anything to do with a medical checkup. But they shut up when they noticed me behind them. I don’t know what that was about.

  It’s getting really cold walking to and from school with our skirts on. I don’t know why they will not let us wear pants!

  Wednesday, October 5

  I really liked lunch today. The cook made toast with melted cheese on top with a slice of bacon on the top of that and some soup. That was yummy!!!

  It was my turn to sweep the dining-room floor. There were two of us, so we were done pretty fast and we ran almost all the way back to school. I could have run all the way, but she got tuckered out just past the park.

  It was cold today with our dresses on. We are not allowed to wear slacks. I think I have repeated that several times already! I think I wrote that down yesterday too!

  We take turns using the showers, but there are bathtubs in the basement too. I decided to take a bath after supper. There was no one around. I took my time floating around in the nice warm water, since there was no one waiting for me. It made me think of Grandma. She used to heat up the water and pour it into the washtub and it was just big enough for me to squat down into it, and she’d wash my hair and back with the wood stove popping away in the corner. I really miss Grandma.

  Thursday, October 6

  The two girls I usually walk home with after school were already by the main street when I came out. I was walking along, thinking about a project I had to do, when a car pulled up beside me. The man rolled down the window and told me to get in and he would take me for a ride. He was a balding, fat white man and I had never seen him before. I began to run, but he kept pace with me. The two girls up ahead had stopped to talk about something and I finally caught up with them and the car turned a corner.

  I told the girls what the man said. One girl continued walking but the older girl asked me if I got the number of the car. I looked at her, puzzled, and asked, “What number?” She sighed and said, “The number of the car. Each car has a different number and the number is on the front and back. What colour was it?” I said, “Light blue?” Then she shook her head at me. “If that ever happens again, take down the number and the colour of the car and get a good look at the driver and write it down.” I asked why? She took one long look at me and said, “So the police have something to go on if something happens to you!” I blinked. “What do you mean ‘If something happens to me’?” Then she just leaned over and told me, “You are stupid!” and ran off to catch up with her friend.

  I am sitting under the window now and I still do not understand one bit of that talk.

  Right after that, though, I saw a car coming and looked for numbers and I saw some on the white square below the car. When the car went by, sure enough, there was another white square on the back with the same number! Then I saw light flashing on the right side and then the car turned right. Another car went by and it had different numbers on the square. It had a light flashing on the left and the car turned left! I hadn’t noticed the cars at all the whole time I have been here.

  After supper, when I was sweeping the dining-room floor, I asked one of the older girls about the man in the car, and she told me that sometimes bad men throw girls in the car and drive them somewhere far, and hurt them really bad or kill them. That’s why I should always look around me and try not to walk alone.

  I had no idea danger came from people in cars. I knew that a car will kill you if it hits you, but I did not know a driver was dangerous too!

  Friday, October 7

  I really enjoyed supper this evening. Yum, yum! Spaghetti and meatballs.

  There are two Cree girls who always wait at the corner of the school at the end of the day, and they follow behind me, chanting and chanting in Cree. I don’t know what they are saying because I can’t understand them. Then this afternoon, they were on the street sidewalk, holding hands and blocking my way. I thought to turn around and go the other way around the block, but I’m getting really angry at them. So instead I started running right toward them as fast as I could and I crashed right against their hands flat out. I heard them smack against each other. I glanced back and one girl was leaning over with her hand over her face, blood dripping between her fingers, and I kept running. I ran all the way back. I’m sitting in the corner by the window now, pretending to be doing my homework. They are not in the dorm right now. I hate this place!

  I get very angry sometimes and I don’t know why. It’s like a burning pain across my chest. I never used to get angry. I remember only once two winters ago when my brother Lyndon got into my box where I keep a set of embroidered hankies that Grandma gave me, and he had blown his nose on all of them. I don’t remember getting angry since. Now I’m angry all the time.

  Saturday, October 8

  It was my turn to sweep the dining-room floor after lunch. The other girl was a big Cree girl who seems not to like me, for some reason. I don’t even know her, but she tried to trip me with her broom. I noticed a group of Cree girls that are very mean and they pick on new girls like me, but there are three older Anishinabe girls who are always nearby when they show up. So I haven’t been beaten up yet. I have seen some of the new girls with bleeding lips or scratches on their faces. I just try to stay out of everyone’s way and try to be nice to everyone. I smiled at a girl across the table from me at lunch and she just stuck her tongue out at me. Oh well.

  I just finished adding Grandma coming around the corner of her cabin on my sketch. She is carrying a paper box from the store.

  Sunday, October 9

  I’m sitting under the front window where I usually sit. I’m just waiting for the lunch bell to ring. Service was at the Chapel this morning and it was boring again today. I like the colourful windows though. I just have to get up when everyone gets up and then sit down when everyone else does. Then we march back to the Residential School. It is a big brown brick building. I think I forgot to mention that at the beginning. It’s a large brick building with a row of windows on each floor. It is three stories high with an attic on top and—

  Oh, that was close! I looked up to see Miss Lewis come in and I just had time to switch my diary to my Blackie story I had beneath it. She came to see what I was writing, so I read her some parts. She thought it was really funny when I read her the part about Blackie running into a frozen block of wood buried under the newly fallen snow.

  I am sitting facing the door, so I just have to remember to look up once in a while.

  Emma never showed up again. She must be busy.

  Monday, October 10

  It is Thanksgiving Day today.

  I’m not really sure what that means. Maybe it is just a day to be thankful for everything. Then I think they should just call it Thankful Day.

  I never knew so many holidays existed. We had a special supper of turkey slices, mashed potatoes, gravy and stuffing. We even had a small piece of pumpkin pie each.

  Back home, nobody pays attention to the holidays marked on the calendar.

  Oh, I forgot. Last week, the teacher asked me a question about something on the board and I just shook my head. After school, he told me to stay at my desk and asked why I didn’t answer the question, because he knew that I knew the answer. So I told him I didn’t know which question he was talking about. He went to the board and wrote something and came back to me and asked me what it said. I told him I didn’t know, because I couldn’t see what he wrote from where I was sitting. He just shook his head.

  Tuesday, October 11

  An older Anishinabe girl and I were sent to a dentist’s office in town this afternoon, but I didn’t know where we were supposed to go. The girl stopped at the door of a large building, but then she decided to go to the Kresge’s stor
e instead. I told the Supervisor when we got back, so that I didn’t get into trouble. So Miss Lewis is going to take me next week instead. I have a back tooth that needs a filling. Back home, the dentist who came to the school just pulled out our teeth. This will be my first filling.

  When we got back to the Residential School, Miss Tanner handed me a letter. It was from Grandma!

  This is what Grandma said.

  October 4, 1966

  Hello, Pynut,

  I got your letter and I really do miss you too. Jennie ended up going home to her hometown, her dog Lucy with her. She is staying with her mother’s sister to go to the school they have there. I don’t know her address, but if you would like, I will ask her mother for it.

  There is nothing going on here, as you will remember, nothing ever does. Blackie sits by his doorstep and I do believe he is really sad that you are not around anymore. He always looks disappointed when I come around the corner all by myself. There is a new teacher at the school this year. She is a rather big blond woman with her hair always pinned in a big bun at the back of her head. Several children are coming home with bruises from her hitting them with whatever she can get her hands on. I am glad you are no longer there.

  Please keep writing whenever you can and I will answer whenever I can get to the store. Sometimes the snow is so deep, I have to wait until someone makes a track to the store. The young man down the way, Rob, says he will make a path to the railway tracks for me with his snowshoes. You remember the couple with the new baby? That will make it easier for me. At least the trains clear the snow on the tracks.