Never Apologise, Never Explain

by James Craig

  Engine revving, a blue flower-delivery van turned into the street, heading towards them. Mills watched the driver talking animatedly into his mobile phone while steering with one hand. Isn’t there a law against that? he wondered. Either way, the driver was going far too fast. As he accelerated down the street, a woman pedestrian scuttled for cover. Ignoring the screeching of brakes and the blaring horn, Henry Mills smiled. He looked up at the clear blue sky and felt himself floating away. Blinking away his tears, he heard a second van racing down the street towards him. He knew that this was his moment. ‘I’m coming, Agatha,’ he mumbled to himself, as he stepped into the middle of the road and closed his eyes.

  FOURTEEN

  September 1973

  During the first few days on board the White Lady, William Pettigrew’s captors operated a rigorous sleep-deprivation programme. He was kept awake with regular soakings from the water jets and random beatings. A head-count was taken every hour. In case anyone ever took a chance to doze off in their hammock, a sailor known as the ‘Bird of Torture’ would bang on the metal doors to further keep sleep away. They were fed once a day – water and a thin porridge. A few shovelled it in, most picked disinterestedly; there was always plenty left over for the seagulls.

  Every so often, a group of sailors would appear and three or four people would be taken away for interrogation in the cabins which had been turned into torture chambers on the decks below. It was impossible to tune out the yelling and screaming that came up through the floor as the electric shocks were applied. The sessions could last twenty minutes or they could last ten hours. Afterwards, some of the victims came back, others didn’t.

  The first time he was tortured, Pettigrew shat himself almost before the cattle prod tickled his balls. His interrogators laughed and then made him eat it. They laughed even more when he immediately vomited the shit back up. They told him to eat it again. He tried, but this time he could not even manage to get it into his mouth. After some curses and some punches, they hosed him down.

  More electric shocks, this time to the anus. He started shitting blood, bright crimson splashes on the floor rapidly darkening in the heat. That caused more hilarity. They hosed him down again. By now he welcomed the water jet. If nothing else, he could be clean.

  The questioning was random and perfunctory. This was not sophisticated intelligence-gathering, and they were not interested in any answers. They had a lot of people to get through and could only waste so much time on each individual. No one cared about anything he had to say. No one recorded anything. No one took any notes. He was like a fly having its wings pulled off by a bunch of sadistic schoolboys.

  It was all a charade. Emotionally, Pettigrew had closed down. He could feel the pain, but he didn’t have any thoughts about it. There was nothing he could say that could make him useful to these people, nothing to hang on to that could fire a determination inside him to live. It wasn’t a question of trying to survive. It was just a question of seeing it through.

  Their only question was what do you know?

  ‘I know nothing,’ he would say, as calmly as possible.

  ‘What do you know?’

  ‘I know nothing.’ That was true enough, even in the beginning. By the third or fourth time they asked him, he could barely remember his own name.

  They would give him a few slaps, maybe another shock, and ask again.

  ‘What do you know?’

  Slap.

  ‘I know . . . nothing.’ Pettigrew couldn’t even think straight enough to make something up. Names? By the time that they finally got round to him, who was left? Who could they not have possibly rounded up already?

  ‘What do you know?’

  Slap.

  ‘Nothing.’

  Pettigrew didn’t want to make anything up. He knew that if he started giving them any kind of ‘information’ that it could only prolong things. By now he just wanted it all to be over as quickly as possible.

  ‘What do you know?’

  Slap.

  ‘What do you know?’

  He had nothing more to say. There were no more words. He was on a journey back to a time before language, before words; to a time when all you could do was howl.

  After his second torture session, Pettigrew was told that he would immediately be shot because he was a fucking Communist whore – both a traitor to the Church and a traitor to the country.

  They blindfolded him and pushed him up against a wall. Someone stepped in front of his face and said softly, ‘It’s over for you. The good priests are coming back now. The ones Allende stopped from teaching; the ones who were banned from hearing confessions; the ones who had to work as taxi drivers to make a living. I mean the priests who defended the Supreme Court and the Constitution of the Republic of Chile and opposed the creation of a Communist state. The ones who love the Church and don’t want to see it destroyed by faggot perverts like you.’

  Pettigrew said nothing. All he could think was, It’s finally over.

  ‘Understand this: the Marxist invasion of the Church is at an end. The theology of liberation is dead.’

  He could sense the excitement in his beating breast. Thank you, God.

  ‘You are dead.’

  The voice stepped away and there was silence for five, ten, fifteen seconds. The safety-catch of a pistol was flicked off.

  Someone cried, ‘Fire!’

  A gull squawked overhead.

  He stood there, shaking, refusing to still be alive. It should have been all over by now.

  On the way back to the hammocks, someone clipped him round the ear, mistaking his sobs of frustration for sobs of relief.

  His torturers soon became bored. After his fifth session, they left Pettigrew chained to a metal bedframe with a muslin hood over his head. At some point, he heard shouting. The sounds of people running around. General activity of men doing their jobs. Slowly, the ship’s anchor came up.

  A little later, he heard the door to the cabin open. Excited youthful voices gathered by the door. Then they brought in a woman and he heard them chain her to the bed next to his. Then they argued over who should go first.

  Apart from a few shadows moving across the bottom corner of his field of vision, he couldn’t see anything because of the hood over his head.

  But he heard her screams.

  Maybe he had died; died and gone to Hell. The sounds were bad, but the smell was worse. He lost count after the fifth time they raped her. Most were quick about it, but one man seemed to take an eternity. ‘Hurry up, Julio,’ one of his companions squealed. ‘We’ll find you another one later.’

  ‘You can do him,’ someone else said, kicking Pettigrew’s bedframe so hard that it bounced off the floor. ‘Just flip him over, you won’t know the difference.’ There was laughter and he felt spittle spray across his chest.

  Another voice, closer this time, said to him: ‘How would you like that, priest? You can be next. If you’re still tight enough, that is.’

  Finally they left. After the cabin door slammed shut, he listened to her sobs.

  And then her whimpering.

  And – finally – her silence.

  Much later, he moved his head in the direction of the woman. Their beds were less than six inches apart. She was nearly close enough to touch. If he flexed the fingers on his left hand, he imagined that he could almost brush her right forearm. He tried to ignore the beating of his heart, the rasping of his breath and the buzzing in his ears, and instead concentrated on listening. There was nothing to be heard. Maybe it was his hearing – they had hit him on the ears many times. It was a torture technique called ‘the telephone’ and perhaps he had taken one call too many. Either way, the silence was a blessing. He hoped that it meant that his unknown companion was gone. That Death had finally shown her its soft heart. And he hoped that he would soon be shown the same mercy.

  The hours passed with his body encased in a gentle rhythm of pain. At some point Pettigrew imagined that he was floating on the ceilin
g, looking down on the two beds: their bare frames, no mattresses, no blankets, no pillows; nothing else in the room but their naked, bloodied, bruised pulps.

  He wanted to cry, but no tears came.

  He wanted to scream, but no sound came.

  He wanted to leave this place, but he could not move.

  After a while, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a messenger from the celestial court close by. Dressed only in a loincloth, he had the concerned expression of a man. With a warm, sincere gaze, he looked deep into Pettigrew’s eyes as he hovered above him.

  ‘I am Dismas, your guardian angel,’ said the vision.

  The priest smiled. He knew that Dismas was the Good Thief who had been crucified with Christ on Calvary, and then accompanied Him to Paradise. Dismas was the only human to be canonized by Jesus. He was also the patron saint of condemned criminals.

  ‘Take me with you,’ Pettigrew sobbed.

  ‘I cannot.’ Dismas stroked his ragged beard with one hand, and pointed at Pettigrew’s body, lying on the bed below them with the other. ‘You must go back to face the torment of your own creation.’

  ‘B-but this is not my doing!’ Pettigrew stammered. ‘How can you say that it is?’

  ‘My son,’ Dismas smiled sadly, ‘you betrayed the Church. You have to accept your fate.’

  ‘No!’ Now he felt an anger uncoiling within him that his torturers had never yet unleashed, igniting the life-force that he thought had been extinguished forever. ‘I have followed in the footsteps of Jesus. I have served the poor. That is why I am here. That is why I did not run away when I had the chance! I knew I had to be with them, for that is the role of a priest. I have not betrayed the Church. The Church has betrayed me!’

  ‘Such pride! Such arrogance!’ Dismas took Pettigrew’s head in his hands; the priest felt giddy. The room slowly flooded with a gentle white light. ‘You have to go back in order to go forward. Only then can you respond to God’s love and be welcomed into bliss. Do not worry. From now on, no evil shall befall you, nor shall affliction come near your tent, for to His angels God has given command about you. Upon their hands they will bear you up. They will guard you in all your ways.’

  Pettigrew felt the tears running down his face. Looking down, he could see them fall on to his broken body, moistening his wounds. ‘Can it be true?’ he asked.

  ‘Make your legacy one of penance.’ Dismas smiled. ‘Be sorry for your wicked life. Be the epitome of a repentant malefactor. God’s willingness to forgive is timeless. With the love of God, it is never too late.’

  ‘The love of God . . .’ Pettigrew repeated, searching the vision’s face for further comfort. But Dismas was already fading into the light. He watched him disappear and waited for his spirit to return to his body. The light engulfed him with calmness and love and, finally, finally, finally, he felt that he was truly on his way to Heaven.

  When they came back, he was ready. He could hear distant voices – two people, maybe three. The handcuffs were unlocked. He rubbed his wrists and placed his arms across his chest, but made no effort to move from the bed. Instantly, he felt the now all-too familiar pressure of a rifle muzzle against his temple.

  ‘Get up, you pig!’

  Still hooded, the priest slowly swung his legs off the bed and stood unsteadily on the floor. Feeling dizzy and nauseous, he made to sit back down before a hand grabbed him by the back of the neck and jerked him forward.

  ‘Out!’

  Looking down, he could see a tiny patch of floor between his bruised feet. The floor was cool to the touch. It hurt to put too much weight on either foot, so he shuffled along as best he could, down a corridor and up some stairs. Suddenly on deck, he stopped to fill his lungs.

  ‘Move!’

  The deck was wet. It had been freshly scrubbed and there was just the slightest hint of disinfectant on the breeze. He felt a weak sun on his back. Someone behind him pulled the hood off with a flourish and he screwed up his eyes against the light. He looked at his hands, still with green paint under the fingernails, and let them touch his face for the last time.

  Somewhere above his head a seagull cried. The sky was a gentle blue. Summer was on its way.

  Due process was coming to an end.

  This was to be the final scene of the Inquisitorial process, his auto-da-fé, the Act of Faith where he would be sentenced, and the sentence carried out. Pettigrew imagined himself with a smile on his face. This was where he would escape the trap of victimhood and retribution.

  One of the sailors pointed to an open gate in the side-rail. He padded over and looked down. The drop looked to be about 60 feet. In front of him was nothing but the blue of the Pacific Ocean. To his left, he could see the coast. He guessed that they were maybe a mile or so out of Valparaíso. He thought of Cerro Los Placeres, of what he was leaving behind. What he had already left behind, his parents, his sister. What they would think of him? How would they mourn?

  ‘Turn around.’

  He did as he was told, facing his executioners with equanimity. There were four of them. Three were pointing guns at his chest. They looked scared witless, as if the exhausted, naked, delirious, broken man in front of them was poised to run amok.

  Squinting, Pettigrew looked at them expectantly. The trio with guns were only boys – teenagers with faces that were round and smooth and questioning. Not so long ago, that had been him. But these boys were not like him. They were torturers, murderers, liars and thieves. They were missing something that should make them human. Still, he couldn’t hate them. Despite everything, he felt a pang of empathy. How difficult must all this be for them, to be put in this position? Ten years from now, or twenty, thirty, would they remember this day? Would it be a defining moment in their lives? Would they ever suffer from depression? Nightmares? Insomnia? Would they ever atone for their sins?

  Their fingers tightened on the triggers of the ancient-looking rifles. One of the boys turned to the fourth man, who looked older than the rest, maybe twenty-four or twenty-five. His voice quivered as he asked: ‘Shall I shoot him?’

  ‘What?’ The older man tried to laugh but only a hoarse mumble came out, as if he was trying to clear his throat. He looked past the priest and into the wide blue yonder. ‘And waste a bullet?’

  The boy blushed with embarrassment and he lowered his gun. His companions followed suit, and the trio slouched away like kids who have just had their football confiscated by an annoyed neighbour. The older man sniffed theatrically and spat at his feet. He swayed back on his heels and then stepped forward, not looking at the priest; not looking away either. Six long steps brought him to within inches of Pettigrew’s face. His eyes were bloodshot. He looked shattered.

  A wave of euphoria swept over the priest. His time had come at last.

  Here I am, good and gentle Jesus.

  There was an almost imperceptible nod of recognition before the officer placed the fingertips of his left hand on Pettigrew’s chest. The priest looked down at the man’s hand and then back at his face. It was the face of a man who passed no judgement.

  With great fervour, I pray and ask You to instil in me genuine convictions of faith, hope and love . . .

  The sailor took another step forward, pushing gently, as if he was walking through a half-open door.

  Pettigrew’s jaw ached as a smile broke across his face. Agatha is going to kill me, he thought. In slow motion, he fell backwards into space. Arms outstretched, he finally embraced his fate.

  . . . with true sorrow for my sins and a firm resolve to amend them.

  FIFTEEN

  Heading north, Carlyle and Joe walked up Endell Street, enjoying the warm sunshine. It had been a slow morning in the fight against crime in the capital, and the atmosphere in Charing Cross police station was soporific. Despite his best intentions, Carlyle had still not completed his report into the Mills case. Partly that was down to ennui; partly it was a determination – inherited from both his parents – to look every gift horse that came alon
g in the mouth, very carefully indeed. With the last traces of wife-murderer Henry washed from the tarmac outside, the Mills case was now firmly closed. It had solved itself. This was, Carlyle knew as well as anyone, a good thing. Two unnatural deaths accounted for was a nice little gift for the statisticians and the performance tables. All he had to do was wrap it all up in some understated prose, hand it over to Carole Simpson and then everyone would be happy. If something else had come through the door, demanding his time and attention, maybe he would have done that. But, apart from Mills, all he had on his plate at the moment was a domestic, where the wife was battering the husband, and a spate of pickpocketings around Cambridge Circus. Not enough to keep a grown man occupied.

  As much to avoid these other cases as anything else, Carlyle was reluctant to close the Mills case just yet. Joe was not impressed when Carlyle told him that he had decided they should take another look at the Millses’ flat. However, the prospect of stopping off for a mid-morning snack on the way won him over. As they reached the top of Endell Street, the usual traffic jam came into view. This was where High Holborn, St Giles High Street, Bloomsbury Street and Shaftesbury Avenue converged. Traffic that knew where it was going mixed with traffic lost in Covent Garden’s tortuous one-way system. Gridlock was the norm here, and a familiar cacophony of horns and shouts greeted the two policemen as they approached. Carlyle did a quick calculation in his head; they would have to cross five roads and fourteen lanes of traffic to reach Ridgemount Mansions, which was barely a quarter of a mile away. Not for the first time, he cursed the city’s ineffectual Mayor. Despite ostentatiously cycling to work once or twice a month, Christian Holyrod was criminally soft on the Congestion Charge that had been introduced by a predecessor in an attempt to get people out of their cars and on to public transport. Carlyle, a Central London resident, firmly believed that it should cost fifty pounds a day, or even a hundred, to drive your car into the centre of London. Hell, if you were serious about improving things, why not ban private cars altogether? Or only allow electric vehicles?