The Secret Life of Sarah Hollenbeck

by Bethany Turner

“Well, um . . .”

  “Maddie, it’s time to get started. Come on in,” a gorgeous twentysomething called to Maddie from further inside the room. Please, Lord, don’t let that Scarlett Johansson lookalike be Miss Laura.

  “You’d better go!” I smiled, grateful for the distraction so that I didn’t have to commit to lunch with Ben, Maddie, my future mother-in-law, Scarlett Johansson, and Kaitlyn, whoever Kaitlyn was. “I need to get into church too.”

  “My daddy’s the preacher,” she said. And then she leaned in and whispered to me, “Try not to fall asleep while he’s talking. He talks for a really long time sometimes, but that’s what preachers are supposed to do.”

  My heart had never been as delighted as it was in the presence of that little girl. “Okay.” I winked. “I’ll do my best.”

  “Bye, Applesauce!”

  I heard the music starting, so I hurried into the sanctuary, blushing as I walked past the bench where Ben and I had first talked. I quickly found Piper, who gave me a look as if to say, “Late again?” and joined her in the row. As soon as I got to the seat and turned around to face front, I saw him up on the stage singing along, not even trying to disguise the fact that he was looking right at me. I smiled and shrugged, as he had the first time we’d made eye contact from stage to congregation, and his smile widened. He then turned his attention to the worship song, and we both managed, miraculously, to stay focused on church for the rest of the service.

  9.

  Blame It on the Raine

  When the service ended, I visited with Piper and a few others while Ben was once again swarmed by the entire congregation. Though I wasn’t overly concerned, the Miss Laura mystery was still on my mind, and I couldn’t help but notice that for every one man or elderly woman who stood around Ben, there were seven or eight pretty young things, giggling at every single thing he said.

  “Look at that,” I whispered to Piper, motioning with my chin in the direction of the swarm.

  She laughed softly. “Yes, I wouldn’t think that a young, gorgeous, widowed pastor would have too much difficulty finding a date.” My natural insecurities rose to the surface for just a moment, but then Piper leaned over to me and put her head on my shoulder as she said, “And just think. With all of that in front of him, he wants you.”

  About thirty seconds later, he glanced my way. There were still at least ten women surrounding him, begging for his attention, but any bit of it they’d had was lost. He smiled at me, and I expected him to give a little shrug, like he usually would. Instead he politely excused himself and walked my way, never taking his eyes off of me.

  “You okay there?” Piper chuckled quietly. I suppose I had involuntarily grabbed on to her for a bit of support in light of my recurring weak knees syndrome.

  “Sorry,” I whispered.

  “Don’t be. Have fun at lunch and call me after.” I’m pretty sure she was smiling, based on the sound of her voice, but I didn’t look away from Ben to be sure.

  “No, stay. I want him to meet you,” I pleaded.

  “As if he’ll even notice me,” she snickered as he approached.

  The way his eyes were locked in on mine, I couldn’t deny her point was valid. “No, you have to stay.” As much as I hated to, I stopped looking at him for just a moment so I could look at Piper instead. “It’s important to me that you like him.”

  “I already like him. But what if he doesn’t like me?” she teased. “Then you’ll always have to be choosing between us, and Sunday mornings will be awkward, and—”

  “Impossible! What’s not to like?” I leaned closer to her and whispered, “You really do have to stay and meet him. You can’t really tell how cute he is until you see him up close.”

  Her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth lifted simultaneously. “Well, in that case . . .” She winked at me before turning around to greet him, just as he reached us. “Hi,” she said as she stuck out her hand to shake his.

  “Oh, hi,” he said. He smiled as he glanced quickly to me and then back to her. I think his senses were jarred just the tiniest bit. He had indeed been so focused on me I’m pretty sure he hadn’t even realized Piper was there.

  But I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to discover, as I had long ago, that once Piper becomes a part of your life, you can’t help but wonder how you ever survived without her.

  “Ben, I want you to meet another of your many parishioners, and my best friend. This is Piper Lanier.”

  “Piper, it’s great to meet you.” He shook her hand. “Ben Delaney.”

  My heart swelled as I watched the two most important people in my life discuss Ben’s sermon for a minute or so, and I marveled at how quickly they made each other laugh and how comfortable they both instantly were with each other. Thank you, Lord, for Piper. She led me to you and she led me to him, but I have no doubt that you led me to her. And then just when I thought everything was as perfect as it could possibly be, the moment was blissfully interrupted by the entrance of the one other person I already knew my life would be darker without.

  “Daddy!” Maddie called out as she ran over to him.

  He turned toward the sound of her voice with a smile and caught her in his arms as she flung herself into them. Before I even realized I needed it, Piper put her arms around me to provide some subtle backing. She knew, even before I did, the effect that seeing the two of them together would have on me.

  “I want you to meet some friends of mine,” Ben said to Maddie as he picked her up and turned around to face us again.

  “Applesauce!” she squealed.

  I laughed joyfully while Piper looked amused and Ben just looked confused. “Hi, Maddie.” I winked at Ben. “We met earlier, before church, and I shall henceforth be known as Applesauce.”

  “Do I need to call you Applesauce too, or . . . ?”

  “No, silly!” Maddie giggled. “Only I can call her Applesauce. You have to call her Sarah.”

  Ben pretended to be bummed. “Fine. If that’s the way it has to be.” He sighed dramatically, which elicited giggles from all three ladies in his presence. “Well, have you met Apple—I mean . . . Sarah’s friend Piper?”

  After introductions were complete, and Maddie had decided that Piper didn’t need a nickname because Piper was the most perfect name ever, Maddie once again brought up the prospect of lunch with Scarlett Johansson. “Can Applesauce and Piper come to lunch with me and Gram and Miss Laura and Kaitlyn?”

  Ben set her down so that she was standing on the chair next to where he stood. “Well, that would be very nice, I’m sure, but, you see, there’s a problem.”

  Problem? What problem? Had the addition of his mother made him decide I shouldn’t come along? Worse, had the addition of Miss Laura made him decide I shouldn’t come along? I mean, I didn’t want to eat lunch with all of those people, but I didn’t want to not go because he didn’t think I should!

  “The thing is,” he said, speaking to Maddie but looking at me, “I’ve already asked Sarah to have lunch with me.” He turned back to her. “You can have lunch with her another day. Okay?”

  Piper elbowed me in the ribs, which kind of hurt. Okay, so I had let my insecurities run away with me once more. And there was no need for it, I reminded myself. God’s got this, Sarah, I thought to myself with joy and peace.

  And it was a very good thing that I knew that and had given myself that little pep talk, because just a second later, Miss Laura came to collect Maddie, and she was indeed the ScarJo lookalike.

  “Thanks, Laura,” Ben said as he hugged Maddie good-bye. “I’ll swing by and get her later this afternoon. I owe you one.”

  “Oh, it’s my pleasure,” Laura breathed. She even had that raspy, breathy thing going on like Scarlett. “We always have a great time together, don’t we, Maddie?”

  I was just starting to think that maybe I had absolutely nothing to worry about, that Laura was just a family friend or maybe even a cousin or something, and then she said to Ben, just under her breath, �
��But if you think you owe me one, we can discuss that later.”

  Piper’s elbow returned to my ribs, this time with a vengeance. “Ow!” I couldn’t help but exclaim.

  “Oh, sorry about that,” she said halfheartedly and then turned her attention to Laura. “Hi, Laura. I’m Piper. Very nice to meet you. And this is Sarah.”

  “Piper.” Laura smiled as she shook Piper’s hand. And then the smile remained but the warmth faded as she turned to me and said, “Sarah. Of course. It’s great to meet you.”

  I couldn’t help but wonder if we, as women, had always possessed the instinctive skills for detecting cattiness in other women, or if the knowledge had been taught to us throughout our lives by the great masters of the trade, such as Joan Collins and Linda Evans on Dynasty. All I knew for sure was that if the ice in her eyes the first time we met was any indication, Miss Laura could have teased up her hair, thrown on some shoulder pads and big clip-on earrings, and taught the Carringtons a lesson or two.

  “It’s great to meet you too, Laura. I hope you ladies have a great time at lunch.” I smiled at her in a hopefully genuine way.

  If looks could kill, I’d have been sent tumbling down the staircase in my beaded Nolan Miller evening gown.

  And then Laura and Maddie were gone, and Piper said good-bye before I could convince her to stay, and then Ben and I were alone. Well, we were surrounded by several dozen church members who were still hanging around, but we were alone.

  “You ready?” he asked. “Do you like sushi?”

  The man could not be more perfect. “I love sushi. Just please don’t make fun of me for how much I eat. And my inability to master chopsticks.”

  We named the place and met there about ten minutes later. The restaurant was close to the church, so several people I recognized were there as well. As we walked in, they greeted Ben warmly and sized me up skeptically and then greeted me kindly. I think that was the first time the whole “dating the pastor” thing really hit me. I mean, I’d thought about it a lot, obviously, but always in the eternal ramifications sort of way. Now I was faced with the reality of being seen out and about with a man who a few hundred people at Mercy Point Church viewed as their spiritual shepherd.

  “Is this weird for you?” I asked quietly as we took our seats at our table. “With all of these people from Mercy Point here?”

  He looked around, as if he hadn’t really noticed them, though he had acknowledged most of them by name. “No. Why? Is it weird for you?”

  Every other first date I had ever been on in my entire life would have been a perfectly designed vehicle for dishonesty. I would have thought briefly about what my answer should be and then I would have nonchalantly replied, “No, of course not!” But there was no need to lie to Ben. I still knew very little about him, and he knew even less about me, but we weren’t like any other couple on a first date. Perhaps we were having sushi, preparing to ask each other the unimportant things that couples on a first date ask, but I knew instinctively that even in that early stage, we were far beyond having to play those games that people play. I already knew I could be honest with him.

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “It is a little weird, actually. I mean, not bad weird, but . . . weird. Every person in that church, and probably in any church anywhere, thinks their pastor is slightly superhuman.”

  He laughed. “Oh, I don’t think that’s true. And in some cases, I know it’s not.” He leaned in and spoke conspiratorially. “For instance, Lenore Isaacs over there, by the fish tank. She thought her husband should have gotten my job. Never mind the fact that he never went to seminary, or college at all, I don’t think. And I honestly don’t think he’s ever done any kind of public speaking. I assure you, I’m just a man like the rest of them, and most of them know it.”

  “That’s true, I’m sure, but you have to know the standard is a bit higher for you, in their minds, than it is for their mechanic, or their plumber. They’re going to want to know everything about any woman who you are seen with. They’re going to want to unearth every piece of dirt they can find about me.”

  “Dirt, huh? Should I be hiring a private eye to investigate your secret double life?” He smiled and popped a bite of California roll into his mouth.

  I laughed at the absurdity of what he was saying, and he laughed with me. Oh, how we laughed. Until, of course, I started choking on the little bit of seaweed that had been inhaled down my throat when my laughter turned to a panicked gasp.

  Ben passed me my glass of water and asked me if I was okay as the choking transitioned to coughing, and my eyes watered in response to the temporary loss of air. Mortified, I sipped water slowly between hacks and raspy barks, and nodded that I was okay, buying myself as much time as possible.

  Until that very moment, I had not given one single second of thought to the potential scandal that could result from the new pastor dating an author of very saucy romance novels. All of that thought about members of Mercy Point being curious about any woman the pastor decided to date, and I’d spent not one second thinking about my actual double life.

  How could I not think about it, right? Yes indeed. How could I not? Well, I don’t know! Maybe because I felt like it was all coming from God. Or maybe because I knew that one way or another, I was preparing to walk away from my life as Raine de Bourgh. The European engagements were finally in my rearview mirror, and I could no longer be associated with something so destructive, even if I had been its creator. I had no idea how I was going to do it exactly, but I was committed to walking away. I would no longer be the young postulant Maria, whom the nuns had referred to as a flibbertigibbet. I was going to be Maria von Trapp, and the nuns would be willing to remove a Nazi’s carburetor in order to protect me.

  Or maybe, just maybe, I hadn’t thought of it because I was so caught up in how crazy I was about Ben, and so overwhelmed by the knowledge that he was pretty crazy about me too, that it was difficult to believe anything else mattered more than that.

  Maybe it doesn’t, I told myself as I finally began breathing normally again. I hadn’t thought of the Desire books or Raine de Bourgh until after I had found out about Christa, and after Ben kissed me, and after I met Maddie. If I’d remembered before any of those things happened, I might have still been able to walk away. The shame and embarrassment, and the fear of judgment, may have allowed me to walk away.

  But now? Not a chance.

  “Ben,” I began, scooting in just a little closer to him. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  10.

  Really Crazy, Like, Certifiable

  “You’re Raine de Bourgh?” Ben asked for the third time. He’d yet to say anything else.

  The first two times I had calmly nodded my head and confirmed that it was true. The third time, I started to feel a bit shaky. On Days of Our Lives, Roman Brady could come back to town after being dead for two years and everyone just accepted it—never mind that he was three inches taller and had a completely different face. No problem. That was easy to believe. But this? This was too much?

  Perhaps it was the repetition that got to me, but I think it was more likely the emphasis. “You’re Raine de Bourgh?” somehow didn’t feel as bad as “You’re Raine de Bourgh?”

  “Look, Ben, I probably should have told you sooner, but it just didn’t occur to me. Truly. I mean, it’s kind of like you not telling me about Maddie right away. ‘Hi, nice to meet you. By the way, I’m super-famous for writing sexy books.’ It just isn’t a conversation starter.” I felt very proud of my defense for about half a second until I realized I was comparing the introduction of my sordid past to Ben’s introduction of his angelic daughter.

  I just couldn’t take it any longer. “Please say something.”

  His eyes met mine for the first time since I had broken the news, and they were conveying emotions that I couldn’t interpret. There seemed to be some sadness. Pain, maybe? I just couldn’t tell. All I knew for sure was that nothing in those beautiful eyes said, “Everything’s
fine.”

  “I’m sorry, Sarah,” he said quietly. “I really don’t know what to say.”

  Tears ran down my cheeks, and I didn’t even bother wiping them away. “I’ll go.”

  I started to stand, but he put his hand on mine. “Don’t go. Just . . .” He took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes, as if trying to shake off the stupor. “Sit. But . . . just give me a minute, okay?”

  “Ben, I’m sorry that I—”

  He squeezed my hand gently before releasing it. “Just give me a minute,” he repeated, forcing a pained smile. “I’m just going to get some air, then I’ll be back.”

  He stood and walked outside, and I was left alone with several sets of eyes on me. I could just imagine what they must be thinking. Who is this woman, why is she crying, and what has she done to our pastor?

  I sat there for a few minutes that felt like hours, and I tried to figure out how this could possibly end well. And if it wasn’t going to end well, what had been the point of it in the first place? Had my amateur-hour Christianity led me astray? Had I seen something that wasn’t there at all? Were Ben and I just attracted to each other and nothing more? As Piper had pointed out, he was not just a widower and a father. He was not just a pastor and leader of a congregation. He was a man, and I was a woman. Men and women fell for the wrong people all the time.

  I couldn’t keep sitting there, letting them all create stories about me in their minds. The more time that passed and Ben didn’t come back in, the more certain I was that he wasn’t coming back at all. At least not to stay. And then the horrible thought entered my mind that the longer I sat there, letting them all stare at me while making very little effort to pretend they weren’t, the more of an opportunity they had to figure out who I was. They’d seen me somewhere, they probably knew. They probably figured they had gone to high school with me or that I had been a clerk at Neiman Marcus. But it was just a matter of time before they remembered seeing me in People magazine or on the side of a bus beside a blurb that said, “This woman is the devil, but I can’t put this book down!”