A Lady at Last

by Brenda Joyce

  He hesitated, exchanging a glance with Rex, the entire terrible evening flashing through his mind. “Yes. She did not take it well.” He added, “She is distraught. I am asking all of you to go out of your way to be kind to her. She just lost her father and now there is this.”

  The countess, Eleanor and Rex exchanged glances. “Of course we will be kind,” the countess said softly. “Rex said her background was somewhat dubious, Cliff?”

  He sighed. “Her father was hanged for piracy.”

  Mary started.

  “She has had a difficult life. I was hoping to secure a far brighter future for her. If you knew the details of how she was raised, your blood would curdle. No woman should have had to live as she had. Her father was a harsh man.”

  Eleanor stood and walked over to him. “I had no idea. Cliff, I am sorry for being so insensitive. But when I saw you two together, I assumed you were lovers, even if she is too young for your taste and not the type of woman you prefer.”

  He smiled at her, relieved. “You assumed wrongly. The two of you have a bit in common,” he said. “Even though you are an earl’s daughter, you were raised with five boys. She grew up on the deck of a ship amongst sailors. The both of you ran wild. I would especially like your help in this endeavor, Eleanor, if you will give it.”

  She kissed his cheek. “Of course I shall. I am fascinated now. Have you undertaken to acquire a wardrobe for her? She cannot run about town in her breeches.”

  “I have and Madame Didier will be here at noon. Eleanor, she has never worn a dress.”

  Eleanor stared, as did the countess. Then the two women looked at each other. “We will help her make what must be a huge adjustment,” the countess said with a smile. “But I must ask, what will you say about her family?”

  “Fortunately, her father was a naval officer before he took up piracy. I will twist the truth slightly and maintain that he left the service to become a planter in the islands, as many officers really did. I’ll maintain her mother died when she was a small child, and in the hopes of sticking closely to the truth, her mother’s family comes from Cornwall, but Amanda is the last of the line.”

  “That will do, I think, at least for now. And may I assume you are launching her into society in the hopes of procuring a husband for her?” the countess asked.

  He tensed. “That is putting the cart before the horse. Amanda is not ready for suitors. She needs six months before she is launched.” He looked at everyone. “On the voyage here, she began instruction in decorum and etiquette. She did not know how to read, but she is already reading as well as Alexi. She is very clever and I know she can excel at anything she chooses to do. But I must tell you this—she is terrified of being mocked and ridiculed by the ton. She has suffered such humiliation from the ladies on the island. I will take any and all advice.”

  “The poor child,” the countess said softly. “We will all help, of course we will.”

  “Cliff, why don’t we make certain she is a success from the start?” Eleanor said brightly.

  Cliff faced her. “What do you mean?”

  “We must begin by calling on our dearest friends, those who will receive Amanda graciously no matter any misstep on her part.”

  His brows raised; he liked the idea. “And her confidence will begin to grow.”

  Eleanor grinned at him.

  “I have a suggestion,” Rex said. “There is no one as gracious as Lady Harrington.”

  “And I remain good friends with her,” Mary added. “I’ll speak to her at once. Blanche would be perfect for Amanda’s first call.”

  Cliff knew Lady Harrington very vaguely. Once, his brother Tyrell had been betrothed to her. She was one of the most pleasant and unassuming ladies he knew, as well as one of the greatest heiresses in the realm. “I approve.”

  “The Carrington ball might be the perfect time for a formal coming-out,” the countess said.

  He hesitated. “I prefer an informal launch, Mother. But isn’t that in a month?”

  “It is a wonderful affair,” Eleanor said eagerly. “I have always enjoyed their balls! They never have more than a hundred and fifty guests, so for a ball it is rather small. If she is ready, Cliff, it would be the perfect opportunity for her.”

  Before he could respond, the countess spoke, “You must not wait six months to begin a search for suitors, Cliff. It isn’t easy to find an impoverished gentlewoman a good match, much less a gentlewoman with a dubious family background. You must start assessing suitors right away. Unless you are very fortunate, this will take some time. Does she have a dowry?”

  He knew Mary was right. It wasn’t going to be easy to find Amanda the kind of husband she deserved. He folded his arms across his chest, disturbed. It was as if a snowball had been set in motion, and was about to become an avalanche. But Amanda needed a husband; that was obvious. It was just as obvious that she wasn’t polished enough to be courted, despite the progress she’d made. He sighed. “I’ll provide the dowry. I’ll have my agents find a small but successful estate and we’ll put it in Carre’s name in trust for her. In fact, I’ll get on that right away. We should all begin thinking of possible suitors for her, as you are right. Finding a good match won’t be easy.”

  Mary took his arm. “Darling, Rex said she is a beauty, and that will certainly help. We will all compile a list of suitors. Let me know the moment you have secured her dowry.” The countess glanced past him, her smile vanishing.

  Everyone turned to face the doorway. Amanda stood there in his shirt, her breeches and boots. She was white with shock.

  Cliff hurried to her, noting that her eyes were red from weeping. “Good morning,” he said, smiling too brightly. “Would you like to meet my stepmother? We are all having breakfast.”

  Amanda gave him a hurt, incredulous look. She had clearly heard them discussing her prospects and he winced, wishing he had modified their discussion. He took her arm. “Come, meet my stepmother.”

  Mary swept forward, smiling warmly. “Welcome to the family, my dear,” she cried, taking both of Amanda’s hands in hers. “If you are Cliff’s ward, we are all entrusted with your care, and delighted at the prospect.”

  Amanda seemed stunned. She mumbled, “My lady.”

  “I do not stand on formalities, my dear, not when we are among family.” Mary kissed her cheek and released her. “I am so sorry about the losses you have recently suffered. Is there anything I can do?”

  Amanda was blushing now. Incapable of speech, she shook her head. “No,” she finally whispered. “Thank you.”

  He was relieved she had shown some polish. He touched her. “Can we have a word after you eat?”

  She tore her gaze away from the countess, her eyes huge. “I need to speak to you now,” she said hoarsely.

  Instantly he recalled kissing her, holding her, his passion beyond control. His heart picked up a far different beat, and he knew she was thinking of that moment of madness, too. He nodded slowly. “Excuse us,” he said, guiding her from the room.

  In the library, he closed both doors behind them. “How are you feeling, Amanda?” he began. He did not want to discuss last night. He did not know what he could possibly say to justify his reprehensible actions.

  “I heard you!” she cried in disbelief. “You were talking about suitors and a dowry!”

  “That is what a guardian does for his ward, Amanda. How else could I secure your future?”

  She was impossibly pale. “You are not my guardian,” she began.

  “I have officially declared it. To make certain there is no doubt, I will have some papers drawn up, making it appear that Carre granted your care to me.”

  It was a moment before she spoke. “If being your ward means I am to be rushed into marriage by you, then I do not want to be your ward!”

  “I know you are frightened,” he began.

  “Last night I was in your bed!” she accused, her eyes wide with hurt. “Last night you kissed me many times. I thought we were lovers
!”

  He turned white, shocked. It was hard to speak. “We are not lovers. Last night was a mistake. It will never happen again. You are still a virgin!”

  “Barely!” She approached, shaking her head wildly. “You held me and kissed me. Your tongue was in my throat, your hand between my legs! How can you say we are not lovers?”

  He knew he was red. “I lost control,” he tried.

  “And it wasn’t the first time!” she exclaimed, trembling. “On the ship, after the storm. I thought I was dreaming, but I wasn’t, was I? You made love to me on the Fair Lady!”

  “I lost control,” he repeated stiffly. How stupid he sounded. “You are terribly beautiful and vastly tempting, but it is wrong. You deserve a husband—”

  “I don’t want a husband. I want you.”

  He stared. She stared back, pale and trembling.

  “I am not making you my lover,” he managed, shaken. “One night of foreplay does not make us lovers. I was overcome with lust. But I only wanted to comfort you. I have claimed you as my ward to protect you from rakes like myself.”

  She started to back away, shaking her head. “Last night changed everything!”

  “Last night did change everything. You cannot go to Belford House, so you have become my ward. Now it is my duty to provide for you.” With difficulty, he found some calm. “You need a husband, Amanda. All women do.”

  She tried to speak and failed. She tried again. “You could be my husband.”

  He was stunned. All thought vanished, and there was only the slender beautiful woman standing before him, asking him to marry her.

  She was shaking, clearly afraid. “I turned eighteen yesterday.” She swallowed. “If I have to marry, why not you? I am woman enough to bed down with you and you know it. I could please you greatly—I am certain! And I could give up this pretense. We could sail together! I may not be a fancy lady, but I know you want me. You like me and we are shipmates. I could even give you more children, because I am so young!”

  She was asking him to marry her.

  He had to sit down. It was terribly intriguing, the thought of her with him on his quarterdeck, riding any oncoming storm together, sailing into eternity. And afterward, falling into his bed, with her, Amanda as wild and passionate as the wind-driven seas.

  She hesitated, coming closer. “You do like me, a little? We are mates, aren’t we?”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He tried again. “I do like you. Of course I do. But you are a woman and my ward, not my shipmate.” He now chose his words with great care.

  She was disbelieving. “We have conquered the high seas together!”

  He stood abruptly. “I have no intention of ever marrying anyone. Why would I?” He fought for calm, and then spoke more quietly. “Amanda, I have children I adore. I do not need more. I do not need to marry for financial reasons. I couldn’t care less about acquiring a title. I do not believe in love. There is no lucid reason for me to ever consider marriage.”

  Her cheeks became crimson.

  “And I like to philander,” he pleaded. She was obviously stricken. “I always have and I always will. You already know that. No woman could survive a marriage to me if I did take those vows.”

  She hugged herself. “Of course you should not marry…not me…I didn’t really mean it…. I am just confused.”

  He wanted to rush to her and embrace her. Of course she was confused. She had just learned that she was a bastard, that her mother didn’t want her and he had been very intimate with her. “I would break your heart, Amanda—and I believe it has been broken enough for one young life.”

  She closed her eyes tightly, and he knew she was regretting her rash words.

  “Amanda,” he said softly. “Last night was my fault entirely. But if you think a bit, you will become pleased that you are my ward. You will be cared for as you never have been, not just by myself but by my family, as well.”

  “I don’t want to be your ward.”

  He knew he had hurt her and no amount of rationalizing or explaining could change what he had done. “I am sorry,” he almost begged. He wished he had never gone to her room last night to tell her the terrible truth. “Amanda, you have no other options.”

  It was a moment before she spoke. “Your stepmother said it will be hard to find me a husband because I am dubious,” she said. “Maybe it will be impossible.”

  He winced. “That is not what she said. She said your family background is rather dubious, which it is. She is eager to help you enter society and succeed there. And it will not be impossible.”

  Amanda stared at him with hurt, accusing eyes.

  “What is it that you really wish to say?” he demanded with dread.

  “I want the truth.”

  He tensed. “In regards to which subject?”

  “The subject—” she wet her lips “—of our being lovers.”

  He slowly nodded, his heart drumming thick and swift. “And what is the question?”

  “If I were a lady, nobly born and bred, would we be lovers?”

  “That isn’t fair,” he exclaimed.

  “We’d be lovers and you know it! You wouldn’t be protecting me, you’d be tossing me!” she cried, batting at tears. “The way you almost did last night!”

  He walked over to her, suddenly angry. “That is probably the truth, but not for the reason you are accusing me of. I am not bigoted against you. You are barely eighteen—I am ten years older and more experienced than you!” He was shouting. “You are tempting—I have admitted it! And if you were older and you equaled me in experience, I would gladly do the deed. But you aren’t older, you have no experience, and I actually see a glimmer of hope for you. I want you to have a pleasant life, Amanda, and if I toss you, as you just put it, no gentleman is going to take a second look at you. How much more succinct do I have to be?”

  “I don’t know what succinct means and I don’t care! I knew it. I’m not good enough for you—like I wasn’t good enough for my mother!”

  “That’s exactly the opposite of what I said.”

  “Then you are lying,” she said, and she struck at him, hard.

  He caught her wrist before her palm could connect with his jaw. “I don’t blame you for being furious,” he said. “I was terribly bold last night. I have said it over and over, that wasn’t what I intended, but that is what happened. I am sorry.”

  “I’m not!” She wrenched free. “I think I hate you now. I wish we had never met, and I certainly wish I was anywhere but here.”

  He couldn’t move or speak. He was absolutely stricken. She ran for the door. Shocked, he chased her. “Wait! You don’t mean that—”

  She pushed him away. “I mean it. Leave me alone, de Warenne. Just leave me alone! And do not ever come uninvited into my room again!”

  He froze.

  She stumbled from the room.

  Eleanor was standing outside in the hall, clearly having been eavesdropping on them. Cliff was too distressed to even think of what she had overheard, but when she sent him a cold, cutting look, he began to realize the crisis about to be unleashed.

  “Amanda, dear,” she said, reaching for Amanda, who was almost in tears. “Madame Didier is here and I would like to help you choose a new wardrobe. It will be a merry time! Let’s go up, my dear, and while we do so, I can tell you all about my miserable, dastardly, callous and selfish brother. Oh, did I forget that he is arrogant, high-handed, cruel and a complete cad, as well? But don’t worry. He will never have entry to your private room again!”

  Amanda sniffed. “He is a bastard, but he isn’t cruel or a cad.”

  Eleanor gave him a dire look and she and Amanda started up the stairs, arm in arm.

  “Well done,” Rex said, stepping out of the dining room. “Can you not, for once in your life, keep your trousers on?” In disgust, he shook his head.

  Cliff scowled, but could not reply. The countess came into the hall. She gave him a worried look and fol
lowed Eleanor and Amanda up the stairs.

  Cliff leaned against the library doors, his heart aching so oddly. It seemed that no matter what he did, he hurt Amanda, and he suddenly hated himself. She did not deserve his abuse. He had made her several promises, and providing her with a certain future was one of them.

  But he was not that future. Of course, he was not.

  AMANDA WENT to the bedroom window while the couturier began unpacking her valise. How could she have asked Cliff de Warenne to marry her? Her cheeks burned with mortification.

  “Amanda?” Eleanor said softly, from behind.

  Amanda didn’t hear her. After last night, she had thought they would be lovers, not husband and wife. Being his wife had never been even a part of her wildest dreams. She knew she wasn’t good enough for him. But she had gone downstairs to find him discussing a dowry and suitors and she had realized he meant to find her a husband. Amanda had been stunned and frantic. Sheer impulse had caused her to blurt out that terrible suggestion. Now, she was numb.

  She had traveled halfway across the world to be reunited with her mother, but her mother did not want her. After last night, she had thought that De Warenne wanted her as a lover, but he didn’t. In fact, he was now claiming to be her guardian and he was going to marry her off to someone else.

  Amanda just stood there at the window, hurt and bewildered and trying to make sense of her life.

  She’d had a plan for all of these past weeks, a plan with de Warenne. She would learn to be a lady with his help so she could enter society and live with her mother. As clumsy as her efforts had been, she had been determined to accomplish the impossible. She had wanted to become a lady, at least in appearance, and not just so Mama would love her. Her entire life, she had been an outcast and outsider, standing outside of fancy houses, peering through the windows into fancy salons and shops, knowing she was different and wishing she were not.

  De Warenne had given her a chance to change all of that.

  Amanda trembled. She had pretended not to care about changing herself, but the truth was, she had cared, because otherwise, she wouldn’t have tried so hard. She still cared. She cared enough to be crying now.