Shannon's Hope

by Josi S. Kilpack

  I thought back to what I’d said to John when he worried about getting her an unlimited texting plan for her cell phone: “We need to trust her, even if we don’t want to. She needs to be empowered by our faith in her.”

  “Sure,” I said, forcing another smile as I decided to take my own advice. “Be home by eleven.”

  “That’s, like, barely two hours,” Keisha said, pouting.

  “Okay,” I said. “Midnight.”

  “Awesome!” She reached across the seat and hugged me. “Thank you, thank you!”

  Keisha scrambled out of the passenger seat and ran around the back of the car. I handed her the keys once she reached the driver’s side; she hugged me again and then jumped into the driver’s seat. I reminded her once more to be careful, and she promised she would be. I stood in the garage until the taillights disappeared around the corner; then I took a breath and headed into the house.

  John and Landon were watching a basketball game on TV, and I let them have their time while I slipped into the kitchen, feeling the burdens of the day fall away now that I was finally home. I didn’t love working Saturdays, but I also hated turning down the chance to make some extra money. My willingness to work had saved us these last few years, but it wasn’t easy. I missed having actual weekends and didn’t like being at work when I knew John wasn’t. Not that he liked that I was the breadwinner any more than I did, but sometimes my resentment crept up on me.

  I took a breath and pushed away those thoughts, which were always stronger at the end of a long week. I had much to be grateful for. All the anxiety from the book group was finished, and the pending discussion about the book I’d suggested was a month away. My two favorite men were in the other room, and life was just good and calm and peaceful here. That’s why I’d wanted Keisha to come stay with us. I wanted her to feel the warmth I felt in our home. I wanted her to know what it was like to be a part of a family so she could see a different, better future for herself.

  I spent a few minutes cleaning up the kitchen before John came in for a soda.

  “I didn’t hear you come in,” he said, leaning down to kiss me on his way to the fridge.

  “I just got back,” I said, adding soap to the dishwasher.

  “I was going to clean up.” He scanned the clean counters and sinks. Tonight was his night to do dinner and dishes.

  “I really didn’t mind.”

  He leaned in and kissed me on the back of the neck, giving me chills and making me smile. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I looked over my shoulder and gave him a flirty smile. “How was Lan’s game?”

  “Great,” he said. “He was two for three with his shots and made both free throws. He’s come a long way.”

  “I’m so glad.” I rummaged in the fridge for a yogurt cup. Keisha ate two a day, and I was having a hard time keeping up with the demand. “I wish I’d been there. That’s the second game I’ve missed.” I didn’t say “since Keisha has come,” but we both knew that’s what I meant.

  “Where’s Keish?” John asked.

  I paused for half a second, then kept any hesitation out of my voice when I spoke. “I let her borrow my car to meet up with a friend.”

  “A friend?” John pulled up on the tab of his soda until it made the pop-hiss sound. He sipped the soda from the rim. “What friend?”

  “Her name is Jessica. I guess they were in rehab together.”

  Distrust pulled his eyebrows together. “She’s never said anything about Jessica.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine. Jessica’s going to college; Keisha says she’s a good influence.” I turned my attention to pulling the foil top off the yogurt. “She’ll be back by eleven.” I said the lie before I even realized I was doing it. I knew why I’d lied though. John would be in bed before eleven, and I didn’t want him to know I’d allowed his daughter to stay out so late without consulting him. My face got warm. It wasn’t like me to be dishonest.

  “Hmmm,” he said before taking another drink. He looked at the clock on the stove. “I’ll wait up for her and make sure everything’s okay when she comes in.”

  “Don’t do that,” I said quickly, finding a spoon in the drawer. “You don’t want her to think we’re checking up on her.”

  “Why not?” he said as I took my first bite. We were both leaning against opposite counters. “She needs to be accountable, and it’s good for her to know we’re paying attention.”

  “She is accountable,” I said, waving my spoon through the air. “And this is the first time she’s asked for the car. We knew it would happen sooner or later. It’s okay. She needs to build herself a new life here, and that means we have to let go enough for her to do that. She’s with someone who’s clean and goal oriented. Let’s not make too big a deal out of this.”

  He was contemplative for a few more seconds, but then he gave me a playful smile. He reached across the space between us to grab my waist and pull me closer. I offered no resistance even though I almost dropped my spoon as I crossed the floor. “It’s good you’re here,” he said, putting his soda down on the counter behind him and placing both hands at my waist, moving my hips as though we were dancing. It was kinda sexy. “I’m always thinking the worst, and you’re always willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.”

  It felt good to have his compliments, or at least it would have felt good if I deserved them, but the lie I’d told sat heavy in my stomach. I did like seeing him softening toward this experience, though, and held on hard to that as justification for what I’d done. I reached up and tapped him on the nose with my spoon. “If we don’t give her a chance to prove herself, she’ll never feel successful or know how strong she can be.”

  John arched one eyebrow. “You don’t think keeping her locked up in a tower will help her prove her strength?”

  I laughed. “Probably not.”

  He leaned in and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck even though I was still holding my yogurt and spoon and kissed him back. “Thanks for loving my girl,” he whispered against my lips before pulling me into a hug.

  His girl? Wasn’t she our girl?

  John held me against him for a few seconds until Landon came in and made gagging sounds. John dipped me and kissed me hard on the mouth, causing Landon to leave the room completely and me to drop my yogurt. He stood me back up, kissed me once more, and helped me clean up the mess before returning to watch the end of the game, leaving me with a smile and a reminder of why I’d married this wonderful man. He had always brought out the best in me, and I liked to think I did the same for him. Especially with Keisha. I could tell him over and over again that he’d done the best he could at the time, but her drug issues had really done a number on his confidence.

  “It’s different this time,” I said to the cupboards and dishes hanging out with me in the kitchen. That was why I’d lied about the curfew, because I needed things to be different and I could see how easy it would be for John to lose all hope. I could think of nothing worse than John giving up on Keisha when she was unsteady on her new legs. So I would hold her hand through this, and John’s too, and one day we’d all raise our hands triumphantly over our heads and know we’d made it work. Keisha couldn’t do this without us, and John couldn’t support her without me. I would make this work. I had to.

  Chapter 6

  John and I went to bed at ten thirty, but while he fell asleep quickly, I couldn’t turn off my brain from both the growing guilt of being dishonest with him about the curfew and my anxiousness about Keisha being out. By lying to John I’d upped the stakes. It was no longer just Keisha’s success on the line here; my dog was in the fight now too, and despite telling myself a hundred different times that she’d be home on time and everything would be fine, I looked at the clock at 11:22, and 11:53, and then again at 12:19, my confidence seriously compromised.

  At 12:40 I slid out of bed and went into the kitchen to get my phone. Surely she’d texted me, right?

  Wrong.

&nbs
p; I texted her instead.

  Shannon: Where are you?

  I waited and waited for a response. Ten minutes later I called her phone, my stomach getting tighter by the minute as I tried not to imagine what was keeping her. She didn’t answer. I contemplated waking John for exactly three seconds before determining that would only make things worse. We’d made progress tonight, and I didn’t want to ruin that until I knew what had happened.

  At two o’clock I was getting really worried. What if she’d been in an accident? Should I call the police? No, I’d have to wake up John before I did anything that drastic. I went into the laundry room and ironed for half an hour, then came out and opened the blinds in the living room so I could see the car as soon as it returned. I sat in the recliner, stood up and straightened the DVDs, sat back down again and tucked my feet underneath me. I texted and called her again.

  I wished I had a copy of the Henrietta Lacks book already so I could distract myself with the story, but I’d left book group less than seven hours ago.

  It was 3:00 a.m. At what point did I tell John that Keisha wasn’t home? The very thought made me sick. Where was she? If she would just come home soon, it would be okay. I settled in to wait and must have fallen asleep because the garage door woke me, and I was on my feet and in the doorway at the top of the steps leading to the garage in mere seconds.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” Keisha said. She got out of the car before I had a chance to ask her what had happened. She hurried to the bottom of the steps and looked up at me apologetically, absolutely contrite. “We went to Jessica’s to watch a movie, and I fell asleep.”

  I wanted so badly to believe her. “I texted and called you.”

  “I turned off the volume on my phone so I wouldn’t interrupt the movie.”

  I looked closely at her. Were her pupils dilated? Was she twitchy and anxious? What would I do if she were? Then would I tell her father?

  “I know you don’t want to believe me,” she said, her tone broken. “I’m so sorry, Shannon. I swear I’d never stay out this late on purpose—not after all you and Dad have done. I just lost track of time.”

  “I thought you fell asleep,” I said, catching the contradiction.

  “I did,” she said quickly. “That’s what I meant. I lost track of time because I was asleep.” She took a step closer to the stairs. “Please don’t kick me out,” she said softly as tears rose in her eyes. “It won’t happen again, I swear.”

  Ugh. What was I supposed to do? This was a violation of our contract. If John were the one waiting up for her, she’d have three days to find somewhere else to go. But I hadn’t been comfortable about that part of the agreement from the start. She didn’t even have a job yet. Kicking her out would be throwing her back to the wolves—her old friends who, I felt, held a lot of the blame for her problems. Telling John would be the same as kicking her out myself.

  “You’re putting me in a very difficult situation,” I said, and I saw a momentary flash of something in her eyes. Was it victory? Oh, I hoped not. Surely it was regret or repentance. “This can’t happen again.”

  “It won’t,” she said, sounding relieved. “I promise, Shannon, it won’t ever happen again. Jessica felt really bad too. She didn’t know I had such a strict curfew; she’d have woken me up if she knew. She thought I should just stay over, but I told her no way, I had to get home. You can call her if you don’t believe me; she’ll tell you all about it.” She held out her phone, but I waved it away. I wasn’t going to call a stranger at four in the morning.

  I was too tired to fight and too scared to dig for the truth.

  She frowned up at me. “I’m really sorry, Shannon,” she said, coming up the stairs and giving me a hug I couldn’t help but return.

  “It’s okay,” I said, more for her benefit than because it was true. It wasn’t okay. She smelled like mouthwash and perfume, which meant she was covering up something she didn’t want me to smell. Something I didn’t want to smell either. With her track record, I was a fool to let this incident go, but John wasn’t going to give her any leeway, and I knew our home was the best place for her right now.

  Also, I hadn’t kept up my end of the deal in taking her to NA meetings. Our schedules hadn’t lined up, and since she didn’t have a car, she couldn’t go to the meetings on her own. I needed to get her there; she needed to make new friends who were on a better course. Though I hated knowing she’d been drinking—surely that was all she’d done—I couldn’t ignore the fact that she was an addict. Addiction was a disease, and she wasn’t well yet. But she hadn’t drunk or used since she’d been here; that was an accomplishment I wasn’t willing to undo over one night of poor choices.

  I pulled back but kept my hands on her shoulders. “This can’t happen again, Keish, you understand that, right?”

  “Totally,” she said with a nod. “It won’t, I promise.”

  I nodded and let her go. She gave me a quick hug again and then headed for her room. I shut the garage, locked the door, turned off the lights, and went back to bed, my whole body aching from both the worry and the lack of sleep.

  “Huh, wha?” John said groggily, only half awake.

  “Nothing,” I whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

  He grunted but rolled back on his side and was soon softly snoring. I stared at the dark ceiling for a very long time before sleep overcame me.

  Chapter 7

  I’d never kept something like this from John, and it ate at me all morning as we went about breakfast. I wanted John and Keisha to reconnect and find the relationship they’d once had, and I knew that John knowing about Keisha not coming home on time would prevent that. I didn’t know what the most-right thing to do was, and my conscience was raw over it.

  I woke her up at eleven o’clock—later than I usually let her sleep, but not so late that John was suspicious. We went to John’s parents’ house for an early dinner. John’s dad had turned seventy-six last week, and this was our chance to celebrate with him. John’s sisters and their families came too—his brother lived out of state—and we enjoyed a nice afternoon together. Though I could tell Keisha was hung over, no one else seemed to notice, and everyone was genuinely glad to see her. It had been awhile since she’d attended a family event, and, as the afternoon wore on, her mood seemed to improve.

  After returning home, the four of us watched a Will Ferrell movie together and laughed our heads off. I went to refill the popcorn bowl, and when I came back, John was on the couch, Keisha snuggled against one side of him and Landon snuggled against the other. Seeing my husband wrapped up in his children was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen, and I chose in that moment to let the previous night go completely.

  Rather than interrupt them, I went back to the study set just off the kitchen and caught up on some things on the computer: I posted on Facebook about how wonderful it was to have Keisha home, ordered The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks from Amazon.com, and checked some blogs I liked to keep up with—most of them written by medical professionals like me, but with a better sense of humor. With the pending health care reform knocking on our doors, all of us in the business were paying close attention to the changes taking place, hoping they would be good ones overall. So far, I was encouraged; we’d see if I continued to feel that way. The movie ended around nine, and Keisha surprised me by asking if the family could have a prayer together before we went to bed.

  “It was something we did in treatment. Do you mind?”

  We’d never been particularly religious, though John was raised Methodist and his parents still attended worship services most Sundays, but I wasn’t opposed to prayer, especially if it was something Keisha had found comfort in. We knelt in a circle and held hands. I had Keisha on one side and Landon on the other, which put John and me directly across from one another.

  Keisha bowed her head, and we all followed her example. “Dear God, thank you for this day. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others, and help us to have a wonderf
ul week. Thank you for Dad and Landon and Shannon, for their love and acceptance. Help us be strong and do our best. Amen.”

  John repeated the amen, reminding me that it was a typical closing to repeat it. Landon and I said it at the same time a beat later. I was all choked up with emotion, and I hugged Keisha first, then Landon, trying to hide the tears in my eyes.

  “Are you crying, Mom?” Landon asked when he pulled back from me. His surprise was warranted since I rarely got emotional.

  I blinked quickly, embarrassed. “I think I just have something in my eye,” I said as I stood up.

  John laughed, a rich, throaty sound, and grabbed me around the waist before I could escape. Moments later I was draped across his lap, squirming as he tickled me. Keisha and Landon egged him on, and soon I could barely breathe, I was laughing so hard. I finally adjusted my position so I could knee John in the kidney, and with an “oomph” he let go, allowing me to roll to the floor.

  “Okay, okay,” I said, still laughing as I got to my feet. “Time for bed.”

  John grabbed my hand as I passed the couch on my way to make sure Landon was actually obeying my instructions. I looked at our hands and then into his face, where the tenderness and love I saw there nearly melted me completely. He squeezed my hand. “I love you, Shan,” he said in a tone that said so much more than those four words. The moment filled me with emotion all over again, mostly gratitude at having such a good man in my life, but also a little more guilt. If he knew what had happened last night, would we have had this night? Would he have snuggled with his daughter and his son on the couch? Would he have tickled me while they cheered him on?

  I knew the answer to those questions, but I still didn’t see another way of handling the situation than to keep last night to myself. If Keisha continued to stumble, this day would haunt me forever. I could only add one more prayer to the one she’d already offered tonight that her commitment was sincere and that she really was beating this monster inside her. It could be done, I knew it, and she was stronger than she realized. I knew that too. She just had to realize it as well. I hoped and prayed she was moving in that direction.