He barked again when he reached me, and he rubbed his head against my knees. I knelt and wrapped my arms around him. Then I sat on the floor and rested my head against the wall.
The door eased open twenty minutes later. “I’m home, Rachel,” Kevin said. He walked toward the living room without noticing me sitting on the floor with our dog. I heard him inhale twice on his asthma pump.
Fudge rested on my lap, not moving or making a sound. Kevin seemed to stand still in the living room for a moment, probably checking his unopened mail, which had lain there for weeks, some for even months. I heard him open the fridge door and rummage through food packets. Still I said nothing. I felt at peace just slouched on the floor with my giant but gentle pet.
“Rachel!” Kevin raised his voice. “Rachel!”
I eased Fudge’s head to the side. He rolled onto the floor and looked at me with his silver eyes. To most, they were expressionless, but to me, they carried so much love. I stood by the living-room entrance and watched Kevin take a swig from a beer bottle.
“Rache—“ He saw me in his peripheral vision and sighed. “Where were you? I was worried.”
I shrugged. “I was just by the bedroom with Fudge. You walked right past us without even noticing.”
He took another swig.
I frowned. “But that’s pretty much the same thing that happens every day, I guess. You just stroll on by, not taking any notice.”
He gulped the rest of the beer and tapped the bottle against the table twice. A circular object rose into the air and drifted underneath the bottle before sucking it in like a vacuum. Then it floated back into the corner of the kitchen and dropped to the floor. “I’m not having this discussion with you again,” he said.
“Why not? Maybe if we just talked about our problems, things would get better.”
He sniffed and walked toward me. He stopped a few yards away and rubbed the top of his nose. “And what if they don’t?” He gazed toward the floor. “You think I can look at you without feeling guilty? I don’t know what it is, but it just feels like you still blame me for what happened.”
I rushed toward him and grabbed his cheek. “You can’t think like that, Kevin. I’ll never blame you for what happened. Madeline fell. It was an accident, plain and simple.”
“But I was looking after her when it happened.”
I shook my head. “It was still an accident.”
He looked at me intently and held my face. “Then at least let me try and get us another child. I’m begging you, please. Let me do this for us.”
I flicked his hands away and took a step back. “I’ve already told you, I won’t allow myself to go through that pain. I can’t.” I wiped a tear from my eye and sniffled. “How do you expect me to just sit here every weekend, hoping that it might happen, only for it not to?” I burst out crying and rushed into our bedroom and shut the door.
I lay on the bed and gazed at the ceiling. Tears covered my face. Why can’t he understand? No one ever understands what it’s like for me.
There was a knock on the door. I didn’t move or blink. It came again, and then Kevin opened it and poked his head through. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.
I kept my eyes on the ceiling.
“Jake called me earlier,” he said.
I looked at him with questioning eyes.
“He says you agreed with Suzanna to all of us going for dinner at Gianfranco’s.”
I turned my body toward the opposite wall. I wished Kevin would just love me as I was and stop trying to always do things for me. His love was all I needed to get through my nightmares.
“If you do want to go, I stopped at Linkis and bought that black dress you’ve always wanted.”
A tear fell from my eye, and I couldn’t move my arm to wipe it. I didn’t want him to see how much it trembled. He was trying so hard to please me. He kept doing all these wonderful things for me and bought me what I wanted. But he didn’t always do the small things, like cuddle up to me at night. Or wipe the tears from my face and promise that everything would be all right.
“I’ll be watching football,” he said. “I’ll leave it just outside in case you change your mind.” I heard the door swing closed, but it stopped before the click that should have come. “I love you.” He closed it the rest of the way.
I burst out crying when I heard him walk away. I just need you, Kevin. I just need you.
“Mr. and Mrs. Harris,” the doorman said. “It’s so good to see you again.” He held the glass door open for us. The cap on his head was pressed down even farther than the last time we came here, but I could still see his kind blue eyes.
“Thanks, Martin,” I said, standing just behind my husband.
Kevin stood aside and gestured for me to enter. I caressed his shoulder and walked in. Martin rushed in front of me and motioned for a bronze Kyso to approach. There were at least thirty of them, on all three floors of the huge restaurant. They served and took people’s jackets with efficiency. I could barely hear the music, with the thousands of people chattering away as they ate. The song playing at the moment was a mix of smooth house and rock. It reminded me of a female artist my mother loved when I was a child, but sounded so current. I inhaled the sweet smell of vanilla. I loved coming here, but looking at the many couples waiting for a table by the large oval bar in the center of the bottom floor made me realize that finding Jake and Suzanna without help would be impossible.
“Damn, you’re busy,” Kevin said.
Martin waved his comment away. “Not for you two, we’re not.” He nodded at me and smiled.
I hated all the attention and special treatment I got just because some people considered me a bit of a celebrity. I was anything but. Unglamorous, cranky—the list went on and on. But people just saw me as that woman who gave birth to a child when no one else could.
“So, what will it be tonight,” Martin said. He held on to the Kyso’s left shoulder. “The usual table?”
I started to speak, but Kevin stepped forward. “We’re looking for friends of ours,” he said. “Jake and Suzanna Chris—“
“Christianson,” the Kyso said in its loud mechanical voice. “They left a message that we should bring you to them upon arrival.” It looked at Martin. “I shall take it from here.”
Kevin smiled and stood aside. The robot walked toward the staircase. Kevin took my hand and followed.
“Soon, there’ll be no use for us humans,” Martin said as he walked off.
I stopped in my tracks and relinquished Kevin’s grip. I stared at nothing for a moment before rushing after Martin. He leaned forward to open the doors for more customers. I held him by the shoulder.
“Rachel,” he said with a look of surprise on his face. “Anything wrong?”
“That thing you said back there. What did you mean by it?”
He shrugged. “What thing?”
“You know. About there being no use for humans anymore.”
He laughed. “I was just joking.”
I stared at him. Kevin rushed beside me and took my hand, the Kyso not far behind. “What’s the matter, baby?”
I shook my head and maintained my focus on Martin. “I want to know what you meant by that?”
He looked at Kevin as if pleading for assistance. “I swear, I meant nothing by it.”
“What did you say?” Kevin demanded.
“I just made a joke about there being no use for humans. I only said it because the Kysos are so damn good. Everyone says that. The president has even joked about it.”
Kevin leaned toward my ear. “Honey, what’re you doing?”
I glanced to my right and noticed a number of people by the bar and on chairs staring at me. I spun around and met yet more eyes. They were everywhere—questioning, judgmental eyes. “Let’s go. Let’s go,” I said to Kevin.
Kevin nodded at Martin, who in turn signaled to the Kyso. As we headed to the stairs again, I wrapped my arms around Kevin’s arm and ignored the gazes still d
irected at me. “I don’t know what came over me,” I said. “But it was as if he triggered something when he said that. I know I’ve heard it before.”
Kevin looked at me and cocked his head. “Of course you have. Everyone talks about it.”
“But you don’t understand. It was no joke. It was a statement, almost like something that was certain to happen.” I let go of Kevin and bit my fingernails.
He turned around and held my shoulders. “Are you okay, honey?”
“I’m fine. It’s probably all the experiments over the years and those god-awful drugs. So many things are probably swimming in my head. It’s nothing. Let’s eat.”
He smiled and continued walking. His black suit shone in the bright lighting. I liked that he had taken the effort to gel his dark hair back. It was amazing how effortlessly he got me excited whenever he stared at me with his brown eyes. It felt like it had when we first met, on our fifth birthdays. Wow. That was nearly thirty years ago. I just hope he still feels the same when he looks at me.
I caught a glimpse of Suzanna and Jake. I wasn’t surprised they’d picked the third floor. They insisted on it every time they came here. Jake saw us first and rushed to his feet.
Suzanna followed suit. “Hi, honey.” She embraced me and kissed my forehead.
I studied her. She looked dazzling. She wore a long backless lime-green dress with straps on the shoulders and the sides. Her hair ran past her shoulders, and her face glowed.
Jake held my waist and kissed me on both cheeks. He still hadn’t lost the weight he’d put on after he lost his job. His tousled brown hair looked dirty. Suzanna kept saying she didn’t mind, but deep down, I knew she wanted the athletic man she’d married to return to her.
The Kyso waited until we’d all sat down before asking us if we were ready to order drinks. Kevin looked at me and didn’t see any kind of expression. “Later,” he said. The Kyso nodded and left.
All three of them stared at me. It made me so uncomfortable, but they always did that, as if I were some frail creature who needed looking after. It really made me angry.
“So, how have you been?” Jake asked me.
“I’ve had better days, but I think things are looking up.”
“How did your appointment go, honey?” Suzanna asked. She drank the last of her red wine and waved her glass in the air. Another bronze, first-generation Kyso approached. “Should we get a bottle, guys?” she asked.
Kevin looked at me. I met his gaze and shrugged. “Get us your best bottle of red wine,” he told the Kyso and turned to me. “That’s okay with you, right?”
“Yes. Yes,” I half-shouted. “This isn’t just about me. You guys have what you want. You don’t always have to keep me happy.”
Jake and Suzanna abruptly looked away. I frowned and looked out the window at the river. It was a beautiful sight. The flashing lights in the water looked like a Christmas show. Blue, green, red and yellow—they were so beautiful. Even more amazing was that each flicker of light was a form of communication with many around the world through the many satellites that orbited the Earth. Many called it Morse code for the modern age.
After the Kyso left, Kevin reached out and held my hand under the table. I smiled at him and leaned over and kissed him.
We were on our third bottle of wine when the food arrived. We all ordered the same thing, which also annoyed me. As usual, they waited for me to order first and nodded at each other before asking the Kyso for the same thing. It sometimes seemed that people were always trying to figure out what I’d done right to get pregnant, like I had some secret they might stumble upon through imitation. But right now, I didn’t really care, as I loved my dish: lobster salad with spicy lemon dressing.
For a while, we ate in silence, aside from the odd approving noises Jake and Kevin made as they chewed their food. At least they were enjoying it.
“So, did you hear about that woman in England?” Suzanna asked.
“What woman?” Jake said.
“The one who won twins. How lucky is that?”
“I say the whole thing is fixed,” Jake said. “The governments decide who wins what.”
“I don’t think so,” Kevin added. “Not everyone chooses children.”
Suzanna put her fork down. “You kidding? Who would pick money over children?”
“But if you say that,” Kevin said, “what about the ones who give up their children for the money? What about their morals?”
“I don’t know, honey,” Suzanna said, shrugging. “Maybe things are different in … How far away is it again?”
“2108,” Kevin said.
“Wow,” Suzanna said. “That’s so far away.” She stared at space for a beat and frowned. “But if we can have children in 2108, what I don’t get is why the government doesn’t just bring the cure back here and stop this whole infertility thing.”
Kevin shook his head. “That’s the thing, I read in a newspaper article that there was never a cure, not one the people of the future have figured out, anyway. I guess women just started giving birth again, just like that.”
Jake laughed. “I don’t believe that for a second. If you ask me, I think it’s the government messing with us. They’re holding us to ransom, so we keep playing their stupid Lotto. It’s just another form of control.”
Suzanna waved her right hand in a dismissive manner, and Jake stopped speaking. “We’ll never know what the government are doing in 2108,” Suzanna said. “All we know is that people are giving their children up for money. I guess that’s what it’s all about in the future.”
“Look,” Jake said, “whether we’re talking about the people who give them away in 2108 or us here, twenty million dollars is a lot of money, regardless. Maybe some people just don’t want children.”
“That couple in Australia took the money,” Kevin said, “the ones who won two years ago. You should see how they’re living now.”
Suzanna gulped her drink. “I still think that’s terrible. How could you say no to having a child? If anyone deserves one, it’s Rachel, and yet these idiots get the chance to have one and don’t take it.”
“But the government won’t allow Rachel to win,” Jake said. “I tell you, it’s fixed.”
I shook my head in frustration. They did that a lot—speaking about me as if I weren’t there. Making me a discussion topic whenever they spoke about the government or morality. I placed a cherry tomato in my mouth and continued listening.
“So, if you think it’s all one big setup, why are you still playing it?” Suzanna said to Jake.
Jake paused between chewing and shrugged. “I seriously doubt you’ll be complaining if we win.”
Suzanna glared at him and chewed on some lettuce.
“But what would you do if you won and got a kid from a different race?” Kevin asked Suzanna.
I couldn’t believe Kevin had asked that. A baby was a baby, and he knew I didn’t care about race or color. I wanted to yell at him, but I was already enough of a basket case. The last thing I needed was more attention.
“I don’t care,” Suzanna said. “A kid’s a kid. Just look at the Russells. They got a black kid and they love him so much.”
I felt like going over and hugging Suzanna. It was as if she’d read my mind. I glared at Kevin for a moment, still angry that he’d even asked the question. He met my gaze and then looked away. He knew he’d get a piece of my mind at home.
A few seconds later, Jake nearly spit his food out, as if he’d just realized what Suzanna had said. “You’re kidding, right? The Russells?”
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked. “It doesn’t matter what color the child is. Love is love. Color or background shouldn’t come into it.”
“I’m not …” Jake looked at all three of us. We stared at him intently. “Look, I’m not racist or anything. I just can’t imagine the Russells with a colored kid, is all.”
Silence returned to the table. Jake shifted nervously, avoiding our gazes. It wasn’t until de
ssert arrived that Suzanna asked me the question I didn’t want to hear.
“So, what would you do if you won, Rachel?”
I swallowed and a lump formed in my throat. I looked out at the water and fought back tears. All sorts of thoughts entered my head. I recalled brief moments with my daughter. Her face when she came to visit me in the hospital, days before her accident. I’d always been adamant I wanted no part of the Lotto, but hearing them talk about it made me start to question myself. Perhaps I would be willing to play it every week, hoping that my numbers came up, regardless of how crazy it drove me. Or maybe I was just letting silly thoughts cloud my mind. There was no way I’d win. So many other mothers deserved winning more than I did.
My thoughts shifted to one of the nightmares I had been having about Madeline. The truly horrific nightmare, the one Jarrod didn’t see. Madeline lay beside me in her bed, begging me to never leave her, to never forget or replace her. Then she started falling. I reached out to grab her but couldn’t. I could hear her screaming, calling out to me and begging me not to let her die.
I felt Kevin’s hand on my right shoulder, shaking me. I realized that my eyes were shut. I opened them, but my vision was blurry. I wiped the tears away, and the three of them came into view again.
“You okay, honey?” Suzanna asked.
I sniffled and scratched my head. “I’m so sorry.” I shoved my chair so far back that it nearly tipped over. All eyes on our floor moved to me. I lifted the bottom of my black dress, removed my heels and ran toward the stairs. The tears kept falling as I ran. I heard Kevin calling after me, but I blocked it out. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I would go, but I had to get out of there.
Chapter Four
Fudge’s body felt cold at first, but the more I cuddled him, the warmer he got. The rain was now falling heavily. I hoped Kevin didn’t get caught in it. It was nearly eleven o’clock, and he still had not come home. I couldn’t really blame him for staying away after my display. I’d felt so embarrassed after I left the restaurant. As I sat in the back of the taxi, I kept wondering why I’d reacted like that. I knew the visions in my dreams had not gone, regardless of what Jarrod said.
The Children Who Time Lost Page 3
