by Deb McEwan
‘Come on, Gary. The boys will take you and introduce you to some of the other spiders. It’ll be good for you to make some new friends.’
In the end Julian and two of his team had to drag him out screaming and kicking. Despite the fuss, Gary soon settled upstairs and within a couple of months had calmed down, gained in confidence and become firm friends with Julian.
Following the eviction of all local spiders, the set-up of each stakeout was tested. Max felt he had reached the correct balance with his teams of 20 Cavaliers and 10 Jacobies. Locations with easy access to gardens were selected and 4 out of the 20 Cavaliers were positioned in small areas within the gardens which would act as local operations rooms. These techies and various mobile team leaders would relay footage to Max at the main Ops Room in Mission HQ. Max would send the recordings direct to the Largo Media Centre, and the Terries would edit the footage for transmission. What could possibly go wrong?
Max had lost two spiders to birds early on due to lax security measures and this had rid his subordinates of the holiday mentality that had previously prevailed. He had also ordered a security survey which resulted in the Jacobies building web cages around all Ops Room perimeters and to electrify their strong web string, thus preventing most intruders from entering. Despite receiving electric shocks, some stubborn crows and cats were determined to penetrate these perimeters and they could only be stopped by personal attacks from the Jacobies. These attacks caused injury to the strong spiders and a great degree of unpleasantness to the intruders, some of whom kept persisting despite the pain. The spiders learnt from their mistakes and overcame most of the problems by building their Ops Rooms underground which significantly lessened the attacks.
Now that the initial mistakes had been rectified and the standard spider set-up confirmed, it was straightforward for future regiments. Further spider-pods were sent to earth and their inhabitants were deployed all over the world in the standard Graylesford Formation to enable the study of different cultures all over the planet.
The spiders had been on Earth for a while and Max had already sent a mass of footage to Largo; some of it raw material and some already edited by the spiders. The Largo Media Centre was ready to transmit and there was an intense air of excitement on Largo the night that Human Species was due to air.
Chapter 2
The Terry family were getting ready to watch the new show. Flora was sitting with her offspring, while her lifelong partner Bobby, was preparing snacks for his family.
Bobby opened the metal cupboard and took out the cylinder. He unscrewed it and looked at the squirming insects inside. With a sudden fast movement his long orange arm straightened and he hit the insects with his hand. They stopped squirming. He put the insects on a tray, stood back and frowned, then added some coloured tablets. It wasn’t quite the same without the spiders and Bobby’s family and most other Terries for that matter, had still not been told why eating spiders was now forbidden. Keesha wouldn’t be happy but he wouldn’t let it spoil their evening. Smiling to himself he carried the tray from the eating preparation area into his family’s viewing room.
Flora looked fondly at Bobby, then at the youngsters who were waiting for the programme to start. Two of the offspring, Keesha and Dorset tapped their feet in excitement when they saw the snacks on the tray. Nectarine the youngest just watched the others. Keesha wasn’t so excited when she realised there weren’t any spiders.
‘Daddy, where’s the spiders? You said last time that they might be allowed now.’
Flora looked at her offspring.
‘It’s the government’s orders and we have no choice in the matter. Now, you can either enjoy the beetles, worms and tablets or…’
She stopped mid-sentence and the attention of the whole family focussed on the box in the corner of the room.
Announcer. ‘Welcome to the first part of Human Species the new series you’ve all been waiting for. Remember that far away planet called Earth? Well, this is all about the creatures who think they’re the planet’s supreme species. This series is a handy guide. Most of us know little or nothing about the human species. Humans are mammals and other examples of mammals are dogs, cats and whales. Humans are the only ones who can play musical instruments and shoot bows and arrows. Don’t concern yourselves with music and bows and arrows though, I have much more important information to impart.’
‘In this series we’ll give you all the information you need to pass an exam on the human species, to visit and talk to them, or, indeed, to occasionally abduct one of the more peculiar of the species and return them a few weeks later. Of course, none of the others will believe the abductee on their return.’
‘We’ll explore the human species from birth to old age, starting in their late 20th century in Graylesford, England. England is one of four countries which make up the United Kingdom; the other three are Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Next to Northern Ireland is Southern Ireland, also known as Eire, which is not part of the United Kingdom. Like most other countries, Eire has what humans call short and tall people, though to us they all look very short. The short athletic male humans in Eire tend to grow up to become jockeys. Jockeys are very fit people called athletes who ride horses for a living.’
‘Horses are four-legged animals and some of them are taught to run in races by humans. They are made to wear outfits on their backs called saddles when this is going to happen, then little fit athletes, mostly men and mostly from Eire, sit on their backs while the race is being run and try to help them to win the race. The small men from Eire who are not fit enough to be jockeys live an interesting life and, when they’re older they become leprechauns. You can tell a leprechaun as they’ll be wearing red or green coats and spend most of their time making shoes for other humans. Unfortunately, leprechauns are really shy and mostly secretive and we were unable to find any to film for this series.’
‘Although all the United Kingdom countries are geographically close to each other and the common language is English, the way the people speak English is entirely different in each country. Indeed, even from place to place inside each of these little countries the way the language is spoken can be totally different. These different ways of speaking the same language are called regional dialects or accents. Another example of how humans are different to us is that they speak different languages depending on where they’re from. Some humans can speak more than one language but our research shows that those humans who live in English-speaking countries very rarely speak another language. They expect visitors to their countries to speak English.’
‘Occupants of each country on Earth also have their own individual quirks and eccentricities and in the United Kingdom they have three. Firstly, they like queuing. A queue is a line of people, standing behind each other, waiting for something. They may be waiting to be transported from A to B, or to pay for food or the purchase of an item of clothing for example. Secondly, they like discussing the weather. British people are obsessed with the weather and feel they have to talk about the weather as often as possible.’
‘You may be wondering if they can control the weather? The answer is that no-one can control the weather on Earth, but for some reason they can’t stop talking about it in the United Kingdom. We believe they may talk about the weather to avoid discussing more important issues. Or it may be because that in this part of the world they have four seasons. If the weather for one particular season is not as previously predicted, humans feel an overwhelming need to discuss it with everyone they meet. Why they do this remains a mystery but we’ll let you know if it becomes any clearer as the series progresses.’
‘Thirdly, British people like to drink a hot beverage called tea. If they’re cold they drink tea, if they’re hot they drink tea. In times of crisis - unless life is endangered then they get a doctor or ambulance - someone will put the kettle on and brew-up a nice cuppa tea. British people just love their tea.’
‘Enough about their habits, we’re almost ready to start th
e show. Throughout this series we’ll show you examples of some of our explanations, to make these strange creatures easier to understand.’
‘You may have wondered why we have been ordered to stop eating spiders.’
Chapter 3
One of the occupants was sleeping and nothing else was happening in the student flat. Max began to wonder if he’d chosen a good location. It had taken him a while to realise he was on a university base and that the occupants of the flat spent the majority of their day in the learning facility. When not being educated, they seemed to be out enjoying themselves, or just lounging about recovering from their enjoyment.
He stood most of the team down, called Vicky and Julian, and decided to visit the watering hole which always sounded lively.
Caroline was in the student bar. She knew she should have been studying, but wanted a night off and most importantly she wanted fun. It seemed ages since she was last out enjoying herself with her mates although it had only been last Friday. She looked at her watch. Carla should have been there 10 minutes ago but was late as usual. Caroline swivelled on the stool and looked towards the door; then her life changed.
Boy he was tall. At least six five and dark haired and he had very green eyes. Everyone looked towards him; his size meant they couldn’t help it. But he looked her way and smiled and Caroline felt her face redden.
Come on girl get a grip. This was so embarrassing. Her heart was beating ten to the dozen and there was a knot in her stomach. She literally felt her legs go weak and was so glad she was sitting down – this hadn’t happened to her before.
‘Hello, love, do we know each other?’
It would irritate some women being called love, but Caroline didn’t mind.
He was a Northerner as well and his voice was friendly and deep. Caroline found her own voice and tried to act friendly and cool at the same time.
‘Don’t think so, though I recognise your accent.’
His name was Phil and they discovered their grandparents had lived near each other. He was studying for a degree in finance and accounting.
‘Please don’t look at me like that, it’s the degree that’s boring and not me I hope.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that!’ Caroline said.
‘You think I’m going to bore you then?’
‘I won’t give you the opportunity.’
Phil laughed.
‘OK, what’s the least boring thing that you’ve done?’
‘Bunji jump, and you?’
‘Parachute jump.’
Caroline thought of a better one.
‘Ha, swam the channel.’
‘Swam with sharks.’
‘Wrestled crocodiles in the Amazon.’
‘Do they have crocodiles in the Amazon?’ Phil wasn’t sure.
Caroline conceded.
‘Don’t know, never been.’ They both laughed.
‘Am I interrupting something here?’ Carla appeared and Caroline hadn’t noticed.
‘This is Phil, Carla, our grandparents used to live near each other but this is the first time we’ve met.’
‘Wonderful, mate, so I’m going to get all the childhood haunt stories am I?’ She turned to Phil and gave him her best smile.
‘Pleased to meet you, Phil.’
‘You too, Carla, have you wrestled crocodiles in the Amazon?’
Laughter again from Caroline and Phil and though Carla didn’t have a clue what they were talking about, she could see the chemistry between them, and knew there was no chance he’d be interested in her.
‘Look, Caroline, I’ve just popped in to say that I have a massive amount of research to do and I don’t want to be working all weekend. So I thought I’d scrub round our meal tonight. I’m really sorry, mate. Are you OK with that?’
‘Oh, that’s such a shame.’ Caroline feigned disappointment. ‘But I understand totally. See you in the morning.’
‘Bye then, nice to meet you, Phil.’ and she left the bar smiling to herself on her way out. That looked as if it might well develop into something major and Carla was happy to have played a role as cupid.
‘I don’t normally do this, but as your mate’s let you down, fancy going for a burger or something?’
‘Well, Phil, you really know how to show a girl a good time don’t you.’
He thought she was serious until he saw her trying to hide her smirk.
‘What’s it gonna be then?’
‘How tall are you exactly?’ Caroline was five foot ten which some considered tall for a girl, and he seemed massive to her.
‘You must be really polite coz I’m normally asked that question within a few seconds of meeting someone.’
‘So?’
‘Six five.’
‘Wow and, err, what size shoes.’ They both laughed again and Phil didn’t answer the question.
Even though he wasn’t familiar with human nature, Max knew enough about animal behaviour to see that something would develop from the encounter between Caroline and Phil. Observing their interaction in the bar, he decided that they’d be ideal subjects for the programme. Caroline and Phil were in the bar some 4 months later and Max was pleased that his assumptions had proved correct.
‘How long do we have to stay?’ Caroline whispered
Phil caressed Caroline’s cheek and started to explore her ear with his tongue. ‘Shall we have one more drink, darling or leave now?’
‘Oh get a room!’ Their friends called out.
Caroline and Phil made their way back to Caroline’s student digs, kissing and cuddling on the way. Caroline’s room-mate was out so they started removing their clothes as soon as the door closed behind them. Phil was hopping on one leg in his haste to remove his trousers and fell over. Before he had the chance to recover, Caroline dived on top of him. Not much later they completely satisfied each other.
‘I love you Phil and I always will.’ Caroline closed her eyes and smiled, waiting for his response. Phil snored gently.
Max and his team were always a little embarrassed about filming the humans during their most intimate moments. They were surprised that the human mating ritual was so completely different to that of Terries. Their research had shown that some humans mate and never see each other again and that this was generally when they were consumed by lust. Max understood that lust could be brought on by intense mutual attraction as in the case of Caroline and Phil but was amazed that it could also be induced by a liquid called alcohol.
The Terry viewers found the concept of lust hard to understand. Their mating ritual was less messy but boring compared to that of humans and involved thought and touch transference between the life-long partners. When in an almost trance-like state, their combined thoughts are transferred to an egg in an oval liquidmetal verlium container where their offspring grow and the whole process lasts three months. On the last day, the verlium opens and the Terry offspring appears leaving its shell behind.
The offspring take the colour of either its mother or father but is never a diluted colour of both. The offspring’s colour isn’t instantly recognisable, as the treasured being is covered in Terry faeces. As much as they love their offspring, the cleaning process straight after hatching is not a pleasant task and Terry parents will use any excuse they can to try and get another member of the family group, or any other trusted adult to clean the infant.
Due to the intense nature of the Terry gestation and birthing period, other more distant group or family members may be called upon to look after the older offspring until the new Terry birth. Most Terries are only permitted to have two offspring so that Largo doesn’t become over-populated. However, on very rare occasions, the Terry Supreme Government allow a third offspring. This is in cases where Terry citizens have contributed towards their society over and above what could or would normally be expected, which usually involves selfless acts such as helping the less clever Terries, or the particularly rare act of cleaning Terry new-born. Bobby and Flora were part of a rare minority in this
category and Nectarine was their treasured third offspring.
It was early morning and the human residents were still asleep. Max was in the Ops Room studying footage. A few Jacobies were on guard outside and carrying out webbing repairs. There was no action in the flat so the Cavalier night shift were asleep. They’d hear an alarm as soon as the residents woke. Max heard a noise and looked up. He hadn’t expected to see Vicky.
‘Can’t sleep?’ Max asked.
Vicky yawned in reply. ‘Thought I might as well make myself useful. I’ve been wondering what happens in longer human relationships and why males sleep straight away after mating even if the female wants to talk.’
Max had asked himself the same questions and thought it uncanny that he always seemed to be on the same wavelength as Vicky.
‘Funny you should say that, Vic. I’ve been studying footage and in longer relationships some females are unable to mate due to suffering headaches.’
‘How peculiar.’ Vicky was thoughtful for a moment.
Max continued. ‘This may be why some humans don’t partner each other for life.’ He waited for Vicky’s response.
‘I was wondering how that compares with us but it’s been so long for me that I can hardly remember.’
It had taken courage for Vicky to give Max the opportunity to take their relationship to another level and she awaited his response anxiously. She was bitterly disappointed.
‘Look at the screen, Vic.’ Max chose to ignore Vicky’s not so subtle hints. ‘You’ll see exactly what I mean.’
A middle-aged couple were in their living room. Archie was reading a particularly interesting article in Caravan Monthly about whether to pull over if a Porsche wanted to overtake. Helen was knitting a pair of winter socks.
Archie put down his magazine and yawned. ‘Well hen, bed time for me, you going up?’
‘Aye love, I’ll go on up.’
Helen rolled up her knitting and threw it in the basket, before putting the basket away in the cupboard under the stairs. She sighed, switched on the landing light and made her way upstairs.
