by Deb McEwan
Archie placed his magazine carefully in the magazine rack. While doing so he noticed that one of the other magazines was not in line with its neighbour. Frowning, he adjusted the offending magazine accordingly. Archie took a few steps back to get a better perspective and was satisfied that the magazine was now perfectly aligned. All was well again in his world as Archie checked all the windows and doors were secure before making his way upstairs.
After completing their ablutions and reading for a little while, Archie switched the light off and cuddled Helen.
‘Does the Princess want to tame the dragon?’
‘Not tonight, dear, I’ve got a headache. And by the way, we need to talk.’
The words we need to talk have the ability to put great fear and dread into the hearts of the human male when said by their partner. They’re usually a sign of a problem or great changes on the horizon.
Archie reluctantly switched on the light.
Helen sat up in bed, arms folded.
‘I’m bored with our life and want you to get rid of that caravan.’
Archie was astounded.
‘But you know I love the caravan and you love the van as well, hen.’
‘No I dinna love the auld heap. I pretended to for you, Archie. But I canna pretend any more.’ Helen looked at her husband.
‘You make your mind up, Archie; it’s the van or me.’
‘One more little holiday first, hen eh?’
‘No way, I want a proper adventure, Archie, let’s live a little!!!’
‘Aww princess, c’mon.’ Archie was desperate, he didn’t want to get rid of the caravan.
‘No, I’ve been thinking on this for a while and my mind’s made up. What’s it gonna be?’
The alarm went in the Ops Room and the Cavaliers woke and radioed to the spiders indoors to start filming. Max stopped the recording of Helen and Archie.
Caroline and Phil had just woken. They tenderly stroked each other’s cheeks and this quickly moved on to other areas of their bodies. Very soon after, their limbs were wrapped around each other and they were making love again.
‘Must be great to be loved.’ Said Vicky and Max didn’t have a chance to respond before she left the Ops Room and headed for the flat.
Chapter 4
Max had become fond of Caroline and Phil during his time with them but these feelings were not completely reciprocated.
Caroline had graduated with a decent degree and Phil had gained a first, he was a hard worker, just like his grandfather whom he’d been named after. Phil had been head-hunted by one of the top companies and was about to start his new job at Bailey-Wilson Accountancy Ltd. Caroline had applied for a number of newly qualified teacher jobs. They were moving in together and packing Caroline’s flat.
‘Ahhhhh, it’s massive, get it out of here.’ Caroline screamed and ran to the kitchen.
Phil correctly assumed it was a spider.
‘OK I’ll get your beastie glass and throw it out.’
‘We haven’t got time to mess about, Phil, can’t you just stamp on it?’ They gave Caroline the creeps and she’d prefer it to be gone for good.
Max knew Caroline didn’t like his kind but felt quite hurt that she wanted him dead. All was not lost though as he knew Phil well enough now to know he wouldn’t hurt him. Even so, it would be prudent to hide before he found himself out in the dewy grass amongst a number of possible predators. He hadn’t survived for so long on this planet without being careful.
He didn’t see it coming. He was looking for a suitable hiding place when suddenly everything seemed to be magnified and he realised he was encased by the glass. Max could smell the fear of previous occupants and it wasn’t pleasant.
Phil quickly turned the glass the right way up and Max fell to the bottom. Phil covered the top of the glass with a piece of card and Max felt pleased that he was considered strong and clever enough to jump out of the vessel had it not been covered.
‘Look at it, sweetheart, it’s silver. I’ve never seen one like this before. It’s really cool.’ Phil approached the kitchen to show Caroline his catch.
‘And it’s frowning at me! Caroline you’re not going to believe this, the spider’s frowning at me.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Phil. Aaaargh, don’t bring it anywhere near me, get it out of here now. Aaargh, it’s horrible.’ Caroline was getting hysterical.
She can be a real drama queen thought Max as he flew through the air and landed on a red squashy thing that split as he hit it. Max was covered in liquid and pips and he attempted to remove the liquid with his mouth. And so began his love affair with tomatoes.
Some time later Max sauntered back into the house, too full of tomatoes to move quickly.
*****
Both fed up with packing and unpacking, Phil had suggested a walk along the beach that Sunday. Caroline couldn’t put her finger on it, but something didn’t seem quite right. Phil was holding her hand but seemed distracted. He was tapping his fingers on his thigh, something he did only when he was preoccupied.
‘Are you OK, Phil? You seem a bit hyper today.’
‘Fine thanks.’ Phil squeezed Caroline’s hand and laughed. It didn’t sound like his usual chuckle.
‘You sure you’re OK?’ Asked Caroline.
‘I’m fine, sweetheart. Isn’t this place lovely when it’s not too crowded?’
Caroline decided to let it go for now.
‘I’m going to collect some shells for the bathroom, coming for a look?’
Phil said he wanted to explore further along the beach by the cove so they agreed that Caroline would catch up with him when she’d collected her shells.
Caroline was on her haunches daydreaming while inspecting a stone that had been flattened by the waves over the millennia. Its shimmering surface was glistening in the sun, she turned it over and over in her hand, wondering whether or not to keep it. Phil’s voice shook her out of her daydream.
‘Caroline, Caroline, come here quick!’
‘What is it?’
‘Just come here please.’
He appeared from around a bend in the beach and beckoned her urgently.
‘Quick, sweetheart, I’ve got something to show you.’
Knowing Phil, he’d found a big crab in a pool or something. She dropped the stone and rubbed her sandy hands on her shorts.
‘OK on my way.’
Caroline hurried as fast as she could on the sand and rounded the bend. Phil grabbed her hand.
‘Come and look at this.’
Written in huge letters in the sand were the words Will you marry me?
Caroline laughed. ‘Aw, isn’t that sweet, I wonder what the answer was?’
Caroline still had the capacity to surprise Phil and he was totally gobsmacked by her reaction. He soon recovered his composure and with the stick he’d been using he added the word Caroline. Phil then knelt on one knee and took hold of Caroline’s hand.
‘Well, are you going to answer my question?’
Now it was Caroline’s turn to be blown away. ‘Yes, yes, yes, the answer’s yes!’
Phil removed a ring from a box and Caroline gasped. It was her grandmother’s engagement ring and her grandmother had promised it to her after she died. Phil, knowing how much Caroline loved the ring had asked her about it and Caroline’s grandmother was happy to give the ring up early. This moved Caroline even more and she promptly burst into tears.
Cheers erupted from all around and heads that were previously hidden behind boulders appeared, followed by their bodies. Both families and friends of the happy couple were there. Caroline hugged her family and squeezed her grandmother so tight that she had to be told to let go. She was also glad to see that her parents were trying their best not to argue. She often wondered why they were still together when it was obvious that they couldn’t stand each other. Following all the hugging, kissing and back slapping, they all moved off the beach and the celebrations continued in the local taverna.
�
�That’s a wrap.’ Said Vicky and the spiders stopped filming. They smiled at each other knowing that although Caroline was crying, this was a very happy occasion. They all knew by now that humans often cried when they were happy, as well as when they were sad.
Caroline and Phil held hands as they opened the door to their new home. Phil switched on a lamp and rushed to find the docking station. He plugged it in and put on a love song. Surrounded by boxes and belongings not yet in place, they undressed each other slowly, savouring every part of the other’s body.
‘Cameras on team, they’re at it again.’ Shouted Max and his team jumped into action.
The newly engaged couple made love, slowly and gently, on the living room rug.
*****
Max was discussing plans for the Stag and Hen parties. He had no idea why humans named these functions after antelopes and poultry and figured it was just another of their odd customs.
Nine of Caroline’s friends had chosen Amsterdam over a long weekend for her hen party. Max had decided to take a team along and to leave Vicky in command, she wasn’t happy.
‘Why can’t I come with you for a change? You can leave Clive in charge.’ Vicky and Max had become very close and Vicky needed some time alone with him to take things a stage further.
‘I can’t trust Clive not to do something stupid.’ Max sighed.
‘You know how impulsive he is. I’d be worrying all weekend and not be able to give you the attention you deserve during our down time.’
Vicky conceded that Max had a fair point. Clive had taken some great footage of a neighbour’s big ginger cat but had paid dearly for it. He’d been lucky to get away with losing two legs, which would grow back, and an eye. Cavaliers had fewer eyes than Earth spiders so Clive only had 3 left. Next to Max he was still the best with the camera and as expected, Max announced that he’d be taking Clive to Amsterdam with him, along with two of the more junior Cavaliers. This would give them invaluable experience and great training for future missions.
Max hid in the bottom of Caroline’s bag and Clive in the fur collar of Liz’s coat. Max tested their communications. The junior Cavaliers slept in the luggage.
‘Zero to One, radio check over.’
‘Zero, this is One receiving loud and clear. See you in Amsterdam.’ Clive replied.
‘Roger that, One, out here.’ And Max prepared to relax for the journey, while Clive got on with the filming.
Liz had booked the mini-bus to pick them all up from Graylesford and take them to the ferry port in Newcastle. They’d catch the overnight ferry on the Friday and arrive in Ijmuiden, Amsterdam at 9.30 am on Saturday. Liz had planned for them to get the return ferry on the Sunday night and arrive back in Newcastle on the Monday morning. All the girls had arranged to take Monday off as a recovery day and get back to work on the Tuesday.
It was such a laugh on the mini-bus and Caroline felt blessed that she had so many great friends. Sue had bought her a daft sash with bride to be written on it and that bossy cow Jan had insisted that they all change into their tutus and one of the three hen party t-shirts while on the mini-bus. The poor driver had found it really difficult to keep his eyes on the road while they were changing and Di had shouted at him when he had nearly swerved into the middle lane, almost causing an accident. So now they were about to board the ferry.
Caroline knew that it would be a boozy weekend and she liked a drink as much as the rest of them. She also knew that she couldn’t hold her drink like most of the other girls, so would have to take it easy and pace herself accordingly.
They settled into their double cabins on the ferry – Caroline was sharing with Sue – then met up outside Caroline’s cabin and made their way to the main lounge bar. The bar was big with large semi-circular comfy settees, like those you would see in a modern living room, next to the windows. Passengers could sit on these and watch people like Caroline and her friends enjoying themselves on the dance floor, or turn their heads and watch the sea going by. All the comfy furniture had tables in front of them for drinks, handbags, mobiles, or other passenger bits and pieces. Tables and upright chairs were dotted throughout other areas of the bar and, towards the far end, was a wooden floor with a 70s style glitter ball hanging from the ceiling. Most of the patrons already in the bar looked totally bored and they perked up when they saw the girls entering, looking forward to some action to alleviate their boredom.
Di saw the glitter ball first. ‘Look, girls, seventies here we come! Get the shots in, Liz.’
‘Let’s pace ourselves, we’ve got all weekend to look forward to’ They all looked at Caroline astounded but Sue, married herself, understood Caroline’s nerves, two months before the big day.
‘Get with the programme, honey, it’s your hen weekend and you’re going to enjoy it whether you like it or not. You’re not married yet.’
Nods from the rest of the girls.
‘Come on, we’re wasting valuable drinking time.’ Karen was a vodka monster and couldn’t wait to get the party going.
It wasn’t long before the girls were up dancing and they’d injected some life into the bar. They’d got Helen, the older lady in the corner up dancing, but her husband Archie was happy to sit down and watch. He explained that he couldn’t dance because of his bad knee where he’d fallen off a mountain. He also told the girls that they’d been chased by a bear but none of them believed him. His wife was getting carried away with the dancing and Archie wondered if her excitement would rub off in the cabin at the end of the night. Later, when he saw Helen matching the girls shot for shot he knew it wasn’t to be his lucky night. She wouldn’t half suffer in the morning.
Max woke early in the morning, ready for action. He arranged for Clive to film the girls and they were tucking into a very big cooked breakfast when Clive caught up with them. They were all hyped up, talking about how much fun they’d had the night before and looking forward to their time in Amsterdam. Max hadn’t understood why food was such an important part of human life until he’d discovered tomatoes; then the penny had dropped.
*****
The hotel rooms were pretty average; pastel green walls with a few pictures of anywhere landscapes. Twin beds with a bedside cabinet next to each one and a lamp and bible on top of each cabinet. A small television was bolted to the wall and a tray was on the dressing table with all the ingredients needed to make tea and coffee. The black and white bathroom was small and practical with a shower cubicle, toilet and sink and inexpensive soaps and shower gels which doubled as shampoo were placed in the shower cubicle. Although cosy, the room was spotlessly clean. It didn’t take long for the bathroom to look messy by the time the girls cluttered it with their toiletries, makeup and hair accessories.
Two chairs and a small round table were squashed into the space by the window. Sue opened the curtains and looked out of the window. ‘What a rubbish view, still, we’re only going to be in here to sleep, eh?’
They were at the back of the hotel and the view out of the window was out to an open area with bins and a few skips lined up against the wall.
There was a rap on the door answered by Sue. All the girls piled into the room and rushed to find a place to sit on one of the beds, the window chair or the floor, the bottles and glasses in their possession clunking as they did so.
Liz tried her best to look serious.
‘We’ve all had a chat and think we ought to do the culture thing first before we go on the razz later on.’
Sue looked at Caroline and then back to Liz in complete silence. The other girls’ faces were dead pan.
‘You are joking right?’
‘Course I’m sodding joking!’
They all laughed. Caroline rugby tackled Liz on the bed and she fell onto the floor bashing her elbow. This calmed things down a bit and Carla called for peace so that she and Di could distribute the drinks without spilling any of their precious vodka or wine. A few drinks and lots of banter later and the bride to be and her hen friends were ready to pain
t the town red.
It wasn’t particularly warm in Amsterdam, especially for the girls dressed in their tutus and t-shirts emblazoned with their names. Caroline also wore the bride to be sash and a veil thrown over the back of her head. They could be heard coming from quite a distance, not just from the talking and giggling, but from their high heels clomping on the cobbled streets.
The first bar was mostly filled with men who looked like they were out for a quiet pint in their local, so the hen party caused heads to turn. Max and the other Cavaliers discreetly positioned themselves so they could film without being seen and set their webcams to record. Although Amsterdam was used to big parties of men and women out enjoying themselves, that didn’t stop the girls from causing a stir in this particular bar. They threw back a few shots and tried to get some of the guys to join in the fun but nobody was interested.
‘Who’s for a flaming sambuka then?’ No response to Di’s question. Most of the guys turned back to the game on the screen in the corner of the bar and left the girls to it. The atmosphere was too dull for them so they decided to move on. The spiders quickly returned to their hiding places in bags and coats.
It had got a little colder and the girls didn’t want to stay outside for too long. They were approached by a man called Lars who was promoting a club by giving away tokens for free entrance and a free shot for each lady. Lars was well aware of the fact that a party of 10 good-looking women would bring in plenty of male customers, even though there was a big football match on that night. The girls hurried into the club, rushing to get their free drink and to find some action. Each armed with a small glass of green sludge, known locally as Kermits, and their regular drinks, they all made their way to the dance floor and the party got into full swing.
Later on Lars had managed to entice other groups into the club which from Caroline’s tipsy perspective now looked like a scene from a Star Wars movie. There were a number of stag parties and some groups of extremely tall sporty-looking women all in fancy dress outfits. From the banter it was obvious that they all knew each other. One lot were dressed in circus theme outfits; a sad looking clown, one in an entirely all grey outfit with a large protuberance from her face and big ears - Caroline’s first thought was that it would take ages to go to the loo in that get up. The tiger was in a stripy leotard with a tail and cute painted face. Another looked like a strong man with stuck on bulging biceps and a curly moustache. One of her mates tried to pull the moustache off but it was securely attached to her face – that was going to hurt tomorrow. Caroline assumed that the one with thigh length boots, long red jacket and the whip was the lion tamer. Another group were dressed in leder hosen and the third as school girls in short skirts, revealing blouses, hair in pig tails and freckles painted on their faces.
