An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘Thank you doctor.’ Caroline took a seat.

  ‘It’s Mr actually, Mr Baxter.’

  ‘Oh do excuse me.’ They were here to talk about her baby’s funny fingers and he was bothered that she’d called him Doctor instead of Mister.

  ‘But we are rather worried about our unborn baby.’

  Mr Baxter decided to ignore the sarcasm and concentrate on the first-time parents and their worries.

  ‘Right, Mr and Mrs Gibson. The scan shows that the baby appears to have the same abnormality.’ Caroline leaned forward and frowned at the consultant. ‘Or should I say unusual fingers.’

  That was better, she leant back in the seat and tried to relax a little.

  ‘As I was saying, the baby appears to have the same problem as Mr Gibson had when he was a baby. I can confirm that everything else is entirely normal, I mean entirely usual and I envisage no problems with the birth.’

  Mr Baxter took a drink of water and let the news sink in.

  ‘If there are no other complications, we would generally wait until the baby is possibly two years old before we carry out minor surgery to rectify the ab.. err, problem.’

  Phil’s operation had taken place at the same age so this wasn’t a surprise to either of them. After a few more questions and answers the expectant parents were reassured, but still worried. Understandably so as this was their first child.

  During the third trimester Caroline quickly tired and found it hard to sleep. She felt like a balloon and had difficulty getting comfortable.’

  Waddling from the kitchen to the living-room Caroline collapsed onto the sofa.

  ‘Oh, me plates of meat are so swollen, it’s good to take the weight off them.’

  ‘When did you start talking in Cockney rhyming slang? Is that a symptom of pregnancy as well?’ Phil asked.

  ‘Good job I’m too tired to thump you, I just wish this little fella would make an appearance, I’ve had enough now.’

  ‘I’m sure it won’t be much longer, sweetheart, hang in there.’

  ‘Like I have a flaming choice.’

  ‘Oh hang on a minute.’ Caroline bent forward and held her stomach. ‘Help me up, Phil.’

  Phil pulled his wife off the sofa. ‘Is this another wind-up, Caroline or for real?’ The answer was a puddle on the floor next to Caroline’s feet.

  ‘It’s OK, it’s OK. It’s gonna be OK.’ Phil was trying to reassure himself as much as his wife.

  ‘Call the ambulance, Phil and get my bag.’

  Chapter 7

  On orders from Max, Geraldine had mobilised the Green Vulture team in the Queen Elizabeth hospital labour ward. They were one spider down as a trolley had run over one of the trainees; he’d been lucky to lose three legs and not his life. It was chaotic and medical staff were rushing around, getting Caroline ready to give birth. Geraldine gave a quick briefing about getting great footage and remaining alert to potential accidents.

  Caroline had opted for a natural birth. She was panting and working hard and the sweat was pouring from every orifice. Caroline felt like someone had drenched her with a bucket of water, was in agony and not in the best of moods.

  Geraldine did a voice over for the recording, reading from her script. ‘By giving birth naturally without any pain medication, Caroline remains in control of her body as much as possible. She accepts the pain and discomfort and is going to be totally aware of every aspect of the birth. However, a lot of women opt for epidurals as the pain of giving birth can be agonising. An epidural is where painkilling drugs are passed into the small of the female’s back via a fine tube, this may result in less pain for the expectant mother.’

  Caroline was shattered and working hard. ‘Aaaaaaargh, ow, oh heck, oh heck, owwwwwwwwww. I hate you, I love you, I love you owwwww. Give me an epidural.’

  Phil remembered the instructions his wife had given him and gently reminded her. ‘You told me not to let you give in if you asked for an epidural.’

  Caroline forced every syllable out. ‘Give me an epidural now!!!’

  Phil was now confused and a little wary. ‘But I thought you wanted a natural birth, darling.’

  ‘YOU SLIMY SNAKE!!! MAKE THEM GIVE ME AN EPIDURAL NOW!!’

  Geraldine explained. ‘Snakes are actually animals that live on Earth. They are long limbless reptiles, similar to the worms you eat, but a lot longer and some of them can be poisonous to humans and animals. However, when a human calls another human a snake, what they mean is that they are sly, insincere and generally underhanded. Caroline is in a lot of pain and humans sometimes say nasty things to people they love when they’re in pain. Phil is really hurt, but is hoping that Caroline doesn’t really mean what’s she’s saying at the moment.’

  The midwife and assistants don’t hang about and quickly comply with Caroline’s wishes. The pain lessens and Caroline calms down a little.

  Phil looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights and doesn’t know what to do.

  Caroline isn’t impressed.

  ‘Ooooooh you did this, you slimy man from hell, I thought you loved me?’

  ‘Come on, honey, stay with me, don’t get over emotional’.

  Caroline vowed to thump Phil for that remark, when she wasn’t so busy.

  Caroline made a primeval sound, she was very close to giving birth.

  Phil looked ashen and was holding her hand. He felt as if he was about to faint but the agony of Caroline’s nails digging into his hand was keeping him fully conscious. The midwife was making soothing, encouraging noises.

  Geraldine whispered. ‘We are about to witness the beginning of human life. The midwife is there to make sure everything goes to plan. Midwives are people, usually women, who support the human female and her partner through preconception, pregnancy and the postnatal period as well as helping with the birth of the baby. Taken from the warmth of the womb, the baby, the most precious thing in the world to Phil and Caroline, is delivered into its bright new world’

  The baby slithered out of the womb and was totally silent.

  Geraldine continued. ‘Once all of the messy birthing slime is wiped off, the midwife accustoms the child to his new surroundings.’

  The midwife picked up the baby and gave him a hearty slap on the back. The young infant screamed and his parents held hands and smiled at each other.

  Caroline was given the baby to hold and she experienced such a powerful feeling of love for the small bundle that it took her completely by surprise. Phil sat on the bed next to his wife and new baby and wept. They inspected his little fingers which were exactly the same as his father’s when he was born. His parents hardly noticed as their child was the most beautiful baby on Earth.

  Reading from her script, Geraldine continued. ‘All parents think that their baby is the most beautiful one on Earth, even if it looks like one of the fruits from the prune family.’

  ‘The next step is cutting and tying what they call the umbilical cord. Now, the knot becomes the belly button and the outcome of this knot can play a huge part in the human’s life depending on whether it’s what they call an innie or an outie. Approximately 20% of the human species have outies and long, long ago, these people used to be revered. We have some old footage to show you...’

  *****

  King Blamda had served his tribe for many years. He had given them the benefit of his charm and knowledge and they were eternally grateful to him. He was getting ready to go to the next royal induction ceremony to chose which one of the two boys would, in due course, succeed him – in King Blamda’s tribe, the king’s children were not allowed to succeed him although they would become respected elders as they aged, but not royalty. It was a shame really as the king would have loved his blue eyed son to be the next king.

  The jewel maid approached the king on her knees and he graciously waved his hand, allowing her to stand. She stood up and walked slowly toward her king swinging her body from side to side and the king openly admired her large ebony breasts and perfect child-bea
ring hips. Maybe he would have the energy to take one more wife although his child producing days were long gone. King Blamda signalled for the jewel maid to adorn him and she placed the chain around his neck on which hung the large lapis lazuli stone, the symbol of his kingdom. The stone nestled snugly between his breasts which were nearly as large as the jewel maid’s. He admired the stone which he had picked himself many moons ago. It was the same colour as the eyes of the woman he had once loved and every time he looked at the stone, he thought of her. Smiling at the jewel maid he waved her away and she bowed and retreated. Out of sight of the king she ran back to her family to give them every detail of her attendance on the king; today would be remembered proudly in the lowly Pwala family for years to come.

  The king was sweating like a menopausal woman as six of the ten carriers lifted him into the royal throne to transport him to the ceremony. Blamda threw flowers to the women, hand crafted toys to the children and various dead animal parts to the men who lined the route. His people adored him and he adored his people and he wouldn’t want it any other way. If, on the other hand, any of his subjects wanted it any other way, they would receive the tribal re-education and soon change their minds.

  On arrival at the gathering, the two young children to be inspected by the tribal elders were presented to the king. They were both understandably very nervous at this life-changing moment. The innie child, Bello, tall dark-haired and regal looking already with his head held high and an arrogant manner despite being in the presence of the great king. King Blamda should have been outraged, but secretly admired the young pup for his front. The outie child, Jengi was shorter and ginger-haired and visibly shaking, overawed by the momentous occasion. King Blamda inspected both children and was about to rule that the dark-haired child should be his successor when something extraordinary happened. The outie child found confidence from somewhere, pulled the robe from around his middle, and pointed to his own belly button. One of the tribal elders gasped. Along with the rest of the group he knelt down and started to worship the outie child. King Blamda was outraged at the lack of proper etiquette until he saw the child’s belly button for himself.

  He looked skyward, raised his arms into the air and called to the tribal God Tasto. ‘Give us a sign, give us a sign!!’

  Lightening struck next to the red haired child and his hair, along with that of 20 other tribal members, near to the child, stood up on end. A clap of thunder followed and everyone looked to the king.

  ‘Hail, Tasto, Jengi will replace me.’ Shouted the king.

  The elders and the rest of the crowd cheered and at a discreet nod from the king’s right hand man, the musicians started playing the drums. The flower-bedecked women started dancing and the men quickly joined in.

  King Blamda called for Jengi to be lifted onto his lap and the cortege moved onto the tribal palace where Jengi would be taught all the ways of the tribe in anticipation of being the next king. Bello slunk away into the forest resigned to the fact that he would follow in his father’s footsteps and be a hunter. He would hope to eventually serve in the King’s Hunter Troop and resolved to work hard to make his way up that particular ladder. He intended to spend the next two days hunting and fishing and licking his wounds, then he’d return to his family.

  *****

  Geraldine flipped over to the next page. ‘Belly button fashion has changed since King Blamda’s days as you will see from the next scene...’

  *****

  Two good looking guys were lying face-down on their sun beds, flirting with a lovely looking blonde girl. Fifi smiled happily at Roger, the dark haired guy. They all decided to go for a swim and as Roger and Dean got up, Fifi noticed that Dean, the blonde man had an innie and Roger the dark haired guy an outie. She quickly changed her allegiance and started flirting with Dean. Roger put on a t-shirt and headed for the bar. The sun was shining, relaxing music playing but Roger was disconsolate. He watched Fifi and Dean frolicking in the pool while drinking a pint and staring at his own navel.

  *****

  The first visitors to the hospital ward were Phil’s mother and father, Donna and Trevor.

  Donna adored the baby already. She couldn’t stop looking at him while talking to Caroline. ‘He’s gorgeous, but don’t pick him up all the time eh. It’ll spoil him and he’ll get used to all the attention.’

  Phil and Caroline exchanged a weary husband and wife look.

  Phil’s father removed his camera from his pocket and took a few photos of the baby. Caroline was asked to pose with the baby and made sure that she looked half decent before allowing Phil’s Dad to take the photographs.

  Geraldine addressed the Terry viewers. ‘Humans don’t have photographic memories like us, so need reminders of what others look like and also like to keep records of auspicious occasions. These are known as photographs which are pictures made using a camera where an image is focused onto film.’

  Phil’s parents were chatting to the new parents when they were all silenced by the clip clop of heels on the hospital floor. Caroline’s mother Jean popped her head around the door to Caroline’s room. Dressed in a purple mini-skirt and red high heels, with a red v-necked top showing too much cleavage, Jean’s outfit was completed by a fake fur leopard print bomber jacket.

  ‘Mutton dressed as lamb.’ Donna muttered as she folded her arms.

  ‘Better than mutton dressed as mutton.’ Jean looked Donna up and down. ‘You need to remember that I am only forty, Donna.’

  ‘Of course you are. I forget you were just a child when you had Caroline.’

  ‘Nearly nineteen actually.’ This made Donna tut and shake her head.

  ‘Stuck up cow.’ Jean wasn’t prepared to put up with any nonsense from Donna.

  ‘Common, common, common.’ Donna looked as though she’d stepped on something unpleasant.

  Caroline was too tired to put up with the petty bickering. ‘Hello, Mam, nice to see you.’

  ‘And you, my darling and look at my first grandchild, he’s absolutely gorgeous.’

  The tea lady appeared on the ward.

  ‘Cuppa tea anyone?’

  Everyone helped themselves to the watery hospital tea.

  The adults, mesmerized by the new baby and fortified by their tea, forgot their own squabbles for the time being.

  When she’d had enough, Caroline yawned and the visitors took the hint.

  ‘Your lass is shattered, son. We’ll leave you in peace. Make sure you take care of her and your bonny boy.’ Trevor helped Donna into her coat and put on his own. ‘Bye everyone.’

  Donna decided to go for a parting shot. ‘Now you’re a granny, Jean you might want to dress like one?’

  ‘Mam, for God’s sake, you can’t talk to people like that.’ Phil was exasperated.

  Although it was water off a duck’s back to Jean, she enjoyed winding Donna up and couldn’t resist replying. ‘Now you’re a granny, Donna you may want to stop dressing like a corpse?’

  ‘How very dare you.’ Donna, puffed up with righteous indignation and was about to carry on.

  ‘Here we go.’ Said Caroline.

  Phil was not amused. ‘Right, enough. If you want to argue do it outside.’

  Trevor shook his head wearily. ‘They’ll probably take you up on that son. Wish me luck.’

  Phil and Caroline could still hear the discussion going on along the corridor, although the door was closed.

  ‘Don’t you worry about anything.’ Phil put a strand of Caroline’s hair behind her ear. ‘They’ll always hate each other so there’s nothing we can do.’

  He was right, so Caroline relaxed and closed her eyes. Time for a little nap.

  The following day Caroline’s father visited with his young wife Jolene. When they first got together she had tried to dislike Jolene, unfairly blaming her for the break up of her parents’ marriage. She’d since admitted to herself that her parents had always argued with each other and Jolene was actually a lovely woman.

  Martin picked up
his new grandson and the baby wouldn’t stop crying, despite his grandfather’s valiant attempts to calm him. As soon as Jolene held the baby, the crying stopped.

  ‘You’re obviously a natural, Jolene, your turn next?’ Caroline teased.

  Jolene looked at her step-daughter in horror and Caroline was surprised to feel relieved that a step brother or sister wasn’t on the cards.

  Max and the HQ team were curious about the baby and eagerly awaited the families’ arrival.

  Geraldine’s team filmed their departure and Geraldine conducted her final voiceover for the broadcast.

  ‘Phil collected Caroline and the baby and the family made their way home in the travel vehicle that humans call cars. You will have seen cars in previous scenes. They are exactly what they look like; basic constructions, mostly metal, that enable humans to travel from A to B at a pace faster than they and animals can walk or run. Cars are totally unsophisticated and have to be piloted by one human and this is called driving. The person sitting next to the driver is called the passenger and it is generally the passenger’s job to tell the driver where he or she is going wrong and to assist them in improving their driving.’

  ‘Can you slow down a bit Phil, you might wake him up.’ Caroline was anxious about everything.

  ‘I’m not going that fast, darling.’ Phil slowed down anyway once he’d seen the expression on his wife’s face. He indicated and turned into their street.

  Once the family were out of the car, Max’s team started filming.

  Phil held the baby and looked at their home.

  Caroline peeked at their sleeping baby.

  ‘Everything’s going to be OK, Phil.’

  She sounded more convinced than she felt and this shook her husband out of his reverie. He relaxed as they walked into the house to begin the new chapter of their lives.

  *****

  The family were downstairs and Max and Vicky were filming the nursery before it filled with all the bits and pieces brought home from the hospital.

  Painted blue, for a baby boy, the room contained everything needed for a lovely baby boy. There was a mobile above the cot, a few toys and a soft and cuddly teddy bear.