An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  The events now over and 20 minutes later everyone gathered in the large gazebo eating cakes made by some of the parents and drinking over-diluted orange squash. The prizegiving was about to take place. Mr Steele and Robert entered the gazebo unseen, both with their heads hanging down, trying not to make eye contact with anybody else. Mrs Byrne was still furious with Mr Steele and her lovely daughter Sophie was not impressed that her mother had made her cheat. Mrs Byrne had to bribe Sophie with the promise of a pizza on the way home and Sophie soon forgot that she was in a bad mood with her and agreed not to tell her father about the cheating.

  Jason Phillips received the sports day best pupil award and everybody clapped and cheered.

  Max told the others to make their way home and found a quiet little corner of the sports field to finish off the sequence.

  ‘And that brings us to the end of this episode. In the next show Jack and his family celebrate his 6th birthday with a party. Until then remember, don’t try any of this at home.’

  *****

  Max rushed and caught up with the other spiders.

  ‘Brill day, Boss.’ Junior gave Max a playful leg punch.

  ‘It was great.’ Added Vicky smiling.

  Max indicated for the other spiders to go ahead and he hung back with Vicky.

  ‘I haven’t forgotten you wanted to tell me something important, my love.’

  He stopped to show her she had his complete attention, but Vicky carried on walking.

  ‘I’m not sure now that it’s something you’ll want to hear.’ Vicky looked worried and Max felt a gut-wrenching ache.

  ‘You’re not dumping me are you?’

  She actually laughed.

  ‘Vicky?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Max, it’s nothing like that. It’s mostly to do with my past.’

  Max wracked his brains. He knew Vicky was fundamentally decent but lots of his species had had to do things they didn’t want to, purely to survive. Still, he didn’t think it possible that Vicky could have been one of the female nightwalkers.

  ‘Put me out my misery please, Vic.’

  OK, here goes.

  ‘I’m Kerfong trained.’ There, it was out.

  ‘This isn’t the time for joking, Vic. What do you really want to tell me?’

  Vicky stopped and held one of Max’s front legs. ‘I knew you wouldn’t believe me.’

  ‘Oh My God! You’re serious aren’t you? You’re a Kerfong Master!’

  ‘I’m not a Master, Max, my training was interrupted by the Bundrils before I completed my Mastership. I had an unconventional upbringing, but you remember what it was like there. My parents wanted me to have the best chance to survive and it wasn’t easy.’

  Vicky explained the situation and the training received from her Uncle Porgi.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ Max had felt the need to protect Vicky and all the time she was more qualified to protect him. In fact, she was more powerful than the best trained Jacobies.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Max, but I quite enjoyed being looked after by you.’

  Max walked ahead and Vicky hung behind, dawdling. She’d wanted to be honest with him but now felt she was about to lose the love of her life.

  Vicky hugged herself and started to cry.

  Max turned. She knew he was watching and tried to pull herself together. This was hardly the way for a Kerfong expert to behave.

  ‘Is there anything else?’ Max only half looked at her.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Are you descended from the Cavalier royals or any other little secrets you’ve hidden from me?’

  Vicky paused and looked at Max. As much as she loved him, she knew this was the time to come clean. ‘I need to speak to you about Geraldine.’

  Max felt like he had a brick in his stomach. ‘Go on.’

  ‘It was the day you undermined my position after she insulted me.’

  Max folded his legs and nodded. He knew something had happened between Vicky and Geraldine and it clicked that the changes in Geraldine had happened shortly after that day. He tried to keep his expression neutral. ‘Go on.’

  Vicky wasn’t even looking at Max any more. ‘You know how much I love you. I couldn’t let her try to take you from me…’

  ‘But we weren’t together then.’

  ‘The point is, Max that we were meant to be together. She was toying with the both of us and, whatever you think of her, I couldn’t allow that to happen. I paid her a visit at the hospital and put my point across. Unfortunately I had to use a certain amount of force before Geraldine was prepared to take me seriously.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘I don’t think you do, Max. You and this life have been hard to come by, and I won’t let anyone spoil it.’ Vicky lifted her eyes and looked at Max. ‘I’m sorry for not telling you before, and now you know everything, I’ve probably destroyed the very thing that I was trying to protect.’

  Max walked ahead again, thinking. He was tempted to ask about the certain amount of force but wasn’t sure he’d like her answer. Vicky stayed where she was, resisting the urge to run after him, begging him not to leave her.

  ‘Come on, let’s go home.’ He was facing away from her and sounded really annoyed.

  She had to rush to catch up.

  ‘Do you mean, it’s not over, you forgive me for not telling you?’

  ‘I’m trying to deal with it, Vic. All I know is that I love you and I’m certain you love me. It took us long enough to get together so I’m not prepared to let this jeopardise our relationship.’

  ‘Oh, Max!’ Vicky was so relieved.

  ‘I don’t want the others to know about this, Vic, and I don’t want you using violence unless it’s in self-defence. Keep this to yourself or it could cause problems.’

  ‘Geraldine is the only other one who knows and I can assure you that she won’t tell anyone else.’

  Max shook his head. ‘I’m sure she won’t.’ And they made their way home, Vicky linking a leg with Max.

  Chapter 15

  The next big event on the Gibson calendar was Jack’s 6th birthday party. His chosen theme was pirates.

  The first to arrive was Robert Steele, accompanied by his father. Robert eventually gave Jack a parcel containing a toy truck as a birthday present. There had been aggro in the Steele house about giving Jack this present. Robert had seen the shiny red truck when his mother showed it to his father. It was love at first sight and he wanted to keep it. Mr Steele was on his son’s side and if Robert wanted anything, Mr Steele thought he should have it. Mrs Steele had explained to her husband that Robert was spoiled due to his over-indulgence of the child and she was determined that the truck would go to its intended recipient, or else. Mr Steele had been on the receiving end of or else from Mrs Steele before, and it was not a pleasant experience. He decided that Robert should therefore give the toy truck to Jack for his birthday.

  Max. ‘It’s tradition for all party guests to give birthday presents to the person who is celebrating their birthday.’

  Caroline welcomed Robert to the party. ‘Hello, Robert, how are you?’ Robert looked at his father.

  ‘He’s fine thanks.’ Said Mr Steele. ‘You know he’s allergic to jelly, comes out in rashes. Lovely day for Jack’s party. Must rush now, be back to pick him up 5-ish. Enjoy yourself son.’

  Next to arrive were the twins Hazel and Lucy with a new computer game for Jack, followed closely by Jason Phillips in their wake. Jason was fascinated by the twins and would follow them around at every opportunity.

  The twins adored Jemima, and as soon as they saw her they ran over to where she was sitting on the grass and started to play with her as if she were a doll.

  Jason gave Jack a pair of cowboy spurs which instantly went into the toy box to be forgotten about; Jack was not a fan of cowboys.

  Caroline greeted Jason. ‘Hello, Jason, that’s an interesting pirate costume.’

  ‘It’s a cowboy pirate, Mrs Gibson.�
��

  ‘Of course it is, Jason, fancy me not knowing that!’

  Jason wanted to be a cowboy and loved his cowboy outfit. Every fancy dress party he attended, he insisted on wearing it. His parents thought it wasn’t worth the hassle to insist on new costumes so consequently, Jason went to astronaut parties dressed as a space-cowboy, gangster parties dressed as a gangster-cowboy and pirate parties dressed as a pirate-cowboy. All his young friends knew he was mad about cowboys and accepted it.

  Jack’s other classmates arrived shortly after and the normally laid back Jack was excited about all his presents and his party.

  Jack had been practising his pirate acting for a few weeks and he shouted. ‘C’mon, me hearties, let’s go and play in the garden.’

  The children followed with their plastic swords, some of them hopping on one foot. They ran and rolled around the obstacle course and piled into the bouncy castle.

  Jemima went to follow Jack and the other children but her Dad stopped her, thinking it would be a bit rough for her in the bouncy castle with the older children.

  Jemima put her hands on her hips, she was not amused.

  ‘I want to play in the bouncy castle.’

  ‘OK, Jemima, let’s go and join the other children.’ Phil took his daughter’s hand but Caroline was watching from the kitchen and caught her husband’s eye. They had discussed this earlier and agreed that Jemima was too young.

  ‘I know, Jemima, let’s go and play on your tricycle instead.’ Said Phil.

  Jemima stamped her feet and Phil sensed trouble ahead. ‘I want bouncy castle!’

  Phil took a deep breath, he found it really difficult refusing his daughter anything. ‘You can play with the other children later, sweetheart, shall we go and get some ice-cream from Mam?’

  This bribe would normally have worked, but Jemima thought she was missing out and was not a happy little girl. It didn’t take long for her tantrum to start.

  Jemima screamed at the top of her voice and the twins came out of the bouncy castle to see what was happening, followed quickly by Jason.

  With an audience, Jemima put on an even better performance. She screamed and stamped her feet and, when she had the attention of everyone, threw herself onto her stomach on the grass, screaming and kicking her legs out. The other children soon got bored with the performance and went back to the fun in the bouncy castle. Phil went inside and took the small bowl of jelly and ice-cream that Caroline held out for him. Back outside and Jemima was continuing her tantrum. Phil placed some jelly and ice-cream onto the spoon and ate it.

  He winked at Caroline. ‘Mmmm, mmmmm, this is yummy, darling, you should have some while Jack and his friends are still playing.’

  Jemima had become a little quieter while watching her father eat the jelly and ice-cream. She now stopped screaming, stood up and, like the little lady she was, brushed the grass off the front of her ballerina dress. She walked over to her father as if nothing had happened.

  ‘May I have some jelly and ice-cream please, Daddy?’

  Phil tried not to laugh at his daughter’s over-polite question and solemnity. She could be quite advanced for her age.

  ‘Of course you may, darling.’

  Phil tapped his legs inviting Jemima to take a seat on his lap and he fed her the jelly and ice-cream, the tantrum now forgotten.

  Max. ‘Tantrums are part of growing up for most human children and generally happen when they are toddlers between the ages of 1 and 3 years. They are born out of frustration when the child discovers it can’t have everything it wants, all the time. Sometimes, the toddler is quite sneaky and has a tantrum in a public place. As this is more likely to embarrass the parent, the parent is more likely to give in and let the child have its own way. There are various ways to stop a child in the throes of a tantrum, sometimes the parent uses diversionary tactics by trying to take the child’s mind off what it wants and getting it interested in something else. If this doesn’t work, parents often try to bribe the child by giving it what it wants, or something similar. Parents also tend to blame each other when a child misbehaves or has a tantrum as in: She’s having a tantrum, exactly like her father at that age, according to his mother.’

  Back at Jack’s party where all the children had finished playing in the bouncy castle. Phil looked up to see his son standing in front of him looking miserable.

  Phil was concerned. ‘What’s up, son?’ Jack opened his hand and showed his father the small white tooth.

  ‘Let me have a look in your mouth.’ Jack opened wide and there was no bleeding so Phil assumed the tooth must have been loose for a while. He called Caroline to check in case he’d missed something.

  ‘Oh, Jack. You’re getting to be a big boy. Your junior teeth are coming out to make way for your grown up teeth.’

  ‘You mean I won’t always have a gap there?’

  ‘Of course not, Jack.’

  The smile was instantly restored to the birthday boy’s face.

  ‘You’ll get a grown up tooth there, and when all your other teeth fall out.’ Caroline held out her hand. ‘Give me that and we’ll see if the tooth fairy comes and leaves anything under your pillow.’

  ‘There’s no such thing as fairies, Mam.’ Jack didn’t want to look like a baby in front of his friends. ‘OK. I’ll just put your tooth in the bin then and we’ll say no more about it.’

  Jack looked around to see if anyone was listening, then whispered conspiratorially. ‘Can we keep it, Mam just in case?’

  ‘Of course we can son.’

  ‘And if there is a tooth fairy, she’ll leave something for every tooth I lose?’

  ‘That’s the way it works, Jack.’

  Jack tried his best to believe in the tooth fairy as it could be quite profitable to do so. Filled with new enthusiasm, he re-joined his friends until Phil called them. ‘Food’s up, come and get it everyone.’

  The children shouted and screamed and ran to the food.

  Max. ‘Fairies are tiny magical creatures with wings that live in the woods. They’re generally not seen by humans and supposedly leave money under pillows in exchange for childrens’ teeth. They are also cute and look nothing like the mythical Wendies.’

  Each child was given a pirate plate, napkin and plastic pirate cup and told to queue nicely for the food. Chaos ensued and the sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps followed by jelly and ice cream and orange and lemon squash soon disappeared.

  Party games commenced with Hazel winning the first pass the parcel and Lucy crying because she didn’t have anything when her sister did. Jason Phillips immediately came to the rescue and put his arm around Lucy to tell her she would win the next game. Lucy calmed down and rejoined the game. Unseen by Caroline, Phil and their helpers Liz and Brian, Robert had eaten jelly and spots started to appear on his face. Caroline took Robert inside to put some cream on him and to phone Mr Steele. Phil decided that now would be a good time to dish out the party bags.

  ‘Thank you, Mr Gibson.’ Said Lucy. ‘Look, an eye patch. ‘Oh ar ooo arrr, ooo arrr.’ The earlier crying forgotten, Lucy collapsed in a fit of giggles and her sister Hazel joined in. Jason started laughing with the twins and all the other children joined in, ending up on the grass.

  The laughing was contagious and Max had to take a few deep breaths and remind himself he was here to work. Every time he caught Vicky’s eye they ended up laughing so Max went halfway down a dark ditch where there weren’t any distractions.

  ‘Lots of children this age are generally uninhibited and laugh if they feel like laughing or cry if they’re unhappy, not caring about the views of others. When humans get older they tend to become more inhibited, are more concerned about what other people think, and hide their true feelings.’

  Caroline appeared with Robert who looked as sad as a sheep in an abattoir until Phil gave him a party bag. Robert cheered up and joined in with the fun, his new spots soon forgotten. Caroline fully expected Mr Steele to be angry with her but would deal with that lat
er. For now it was Jack’s time.

  The rest of the afternoon flew by and when they’d calmed the children a little, Phil appeared holding the cake with six candles ablaze on the top. All the children knew what to do and Caroline held her son’s hand. ‘After three. One, two, three. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…’

  Everyone joined in with the singing and Jack’s smile spread from one corner of his face to the other. He was overjoyed and had never before felt so happy or important. Boy, this was better than Christmas!

  Max. ‘Christmas is on 25th December and used to be a religious holiday, celebrating the birth of one Jesus Christ who was the son of the Christian God and born some 2000 earth years ago. Jesus was quite clever and was able to cure ill people, turn water into wine and feed thousands of humans with only a few fish and loaves of bread. Other humans called these great feats miracles. Some not very nice humans who we believe were jealous of Jesus tortured and crucified him.’

  ‘Christmas has since become very commercialized and parents use it as an excuse to spoil their children and buy them lots of presents. When children are very young, their parents lead them to believe that Father Christmas, AKA Santa, has delivered their presents. They often threaten their children from as early as the summer season that if they’re naughty, Father Christmas won’t bring them any presents. Children sometimes visit Father Christmas in a place called Santa’s Grotto. These Grottos can be set-up anywhere such as supermarkets or community centres, and anyone can pretend to be Father Christmas but it’s usually better if they’re male, fat and have a hairy face. Parents are forever telling their children not to talk to strangers but then encourage them to sit on the knee of Father Christmas and chat to him about what presents they would like. If Wendies did exist, we might say that Father Christmas was like a friendly Wendy.’