An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  Caroline threw the calendar onto the sofa. It bounced off onto the floor, missing Vicky by a whisker.

  ‘I can see we’re going to have to do this the hard way. I’ve had enough and I am on strike.’

  ‘I’m really sorry, Caroline. Hang on. What do you mean you’re on strike?’

  The answer was a pounding in his ears from the door slamming.

  Max did his voiceover while Vicky accompanied him up the stairs. They knew from past experience that Phil would need to go and apologise properly.

  ‘If Phil and Caroline don’t work, they won’t be able to eat and we all know by now how important food is to humans. Also, they won’t be able to live in their house and afford clothes for themselves and the children. We’ve discovered that if humans walk about unclothed they can get arrested and go to prison; a place where naughty or bad people are physically confined and lose a number of personal freedoms. Children Jack and Jemima’s ages wouldn’t go to prison so their parents wouldn’t be able to look after them from there. So, Phil and Caroline work out of necessity so that they don’t starve and end up in prison.’

  Caroline tried to read but was so upset she couldn’t concentrate. Thankfully, their row hadn’t woken the children.

  Phil was initially upset about what Caroline had said about his mother, but now he’d calmed down, he realised it was out of frustration and because of his stupid comment. He made his way slowly upstairs.

  Caroline knew it was childish but rushed to get into bed and put the light out before Phil entered the bedroom. Unfortunately, her clumsiness got the better of her and she tripped over one of the bed legs on her way back from their en-suite. Phil knew this wasn’t the time to laugh and tried his hardest.

  ‘I’m really sorry. Can we talk about it and is your foot OK by the way?’ He was trying so hard not to snigger.

  ‘No it’s bloody not and don’t you dare laugh.’

  It was no good though, she could never resist the twinkle in his eyes and they both ended up on the bed giggling like a pair of five year olds. Phil tickled Caroline, she got him back and one thing started to lead to another until Caroline turned and looked directly at Vicky.

  ‘Arrrgh.’ She sat up and pointed. ‘It’s one of those silver spiders again. Get it, Phil.’

  The mood broken, Phil got up from the bed.

  As soon as she’d made eye contact with Caroline, Vicky ran under the bed and squeezed into a hole in the floorboards. There was only space for one of them and she knew that Max would have hidden under the chest of drawers. They’d recce’d every room and always had an escape plan.

  Phil left the room and returned shortly after. Vicky noticed the bed sag as Phil lay down.

  ‘It’s all right, darling, you’re safe now.’ He went to kiss his wife but Caroline wanted to be sure.

  ‘Did you get rid of it?’

  ‘Don’t worry. You won’t be bothered by spiders tonight my love.’

  ‘My knight in shining armour.’ Caroline rewarded Phil with a kiss and they carried on where they’d left off earlier.

  After they’d finished, and unscrambled their bodies, Phil leaned over to his wife.

  ‘I really am sorry, darling.’

  ‘So am I. I didn’t mean what I said about your mother, you know how much I care for her in my own way.’ Caroline crossed her fingers behind her back.

  ‘But I’m a totally different generation, Phil and couldn’t imagine not working, it would drive me nuts and wouldn’t do the kids any good either, and none of us would have the luxuries we have from the both of us having careers.’

  They agreed to split the chores and involve the grandparents more in their childrens’ lives.

  ‘We’ll work out the rota and call the grandparents tomorrow. They’ll be thrilled to see more of Jack and Jemima.’ Said Caroline.

  ‘And a little smug that we’re not as self-sufficient as we like to think.’ Added Phil.

  Max and Vicky carefully moved from their hiding places very very quietly and left the room. Back in the Ops Room Max finished the recording

  Max. ‘Humans always say that the best thing about arguments is the making up later. They know there’s a real problem if the headaches stop them making up following an argument.’

  It had been a long day and though Max was shattered, he was too stressed to go to bed.

  ‘I can’t understand why she’s afraid of us, Vic. It doesn’t make any sense at all.’

  Vicky knew Max was fond of Caroline, in a similar way that Jack was fond of Elvis. She hated to see him upset.

  ‘Perhaps there’s a way she can overcome her fears?’

  Clive entered the Ops Room and looked at the both of them. ‘Sorry, is this a private conversation?’

  Vicky looked at Max who nodded.

  ‘No. I was careless earlier and Caroline had a fit when she saw me. It’s driving Max nuts and we wondered if there was a way…’

  ‘I might have a solution.’ They both looked at Clive, intrigued.

  ‘Go on.’ Said Max.

  ‘It’s a bit embarrassing.’ Clive coughed. ‘It was before I got together with Geraldine and when I thought, err.’ He stopped and looked at Vicky.

  ‘Go on.’ She said gently.

  ‘Well, as you know I was a little upset.’

  Max could see this was awkward for Clive and thought it best for him to get it over and done with.

  ‘Cut to the chase, Clive, we haven’t got all night.’ He hadn’t meant for it to come out like that and Vicky gave him a discreet kick.

  ‘Sorry.’

  Clive continued. ‘I hid under the bed and played the same sad songs over and over all night.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And. When Phil and Caroline woke the following morning, they sang the same songs that I’d been playing. It happened two nights on the run.’

  Silence until the penny dropped.

  ‘So you think if we play something and they listen to it subconsciously, this might help Caroline overcome her fears.’

  ‘Exactly!’ Said Clive.

  ‘My friend, you’re a genius.’ Max gave Clive a good-natured slap.

  ‘So we need to get a recording about overcoming fears and play it all night and see what happens? I’ll get right onto it.’ Said Vicky.

  Clive smiled. ‘No need. I’ve already done it and was waiting for the right moment to broach the subject.’

  Clive had studied various websites, found suitable material and made a number of recordings.

  ‘We’ll start tomorrow night and see what happens.’ Clive had gone way up in his Boss’s estimation. ‘Well done, Clive. If this works you’ll make this and future missions so much easier and I’ll ensure you’re properly rewarded for your efforts.’

  Clive went to bed that night feeling that he could walk on air and Geraldine was overjoyed and mightily proud of her gifted partner.

  Chapter 17

  A few weeks later the family were getting ready for Giant Graylesford Day.

  It had become routine for the spiders to go into team formation for multi-location events. Max didn’t want to pull Geraldine and Green Vulture from the hospital so he organised Vicky and Pink Eagle, Clive and Blue Hawk and Junior and Brown Owl for the outing. Max decided that he would hover between the teams providing voiceovers when necessary and take Julian and some of his guys for back-up. Julian had asked if Gary could come along for the ride and Max had turned him down flat. He’d decided to turn a blind eye to their strange relationship because he didn’t want complications at work. In any case, he’d ignored orders from Largo that punishment for collaborating with indigenous species was death. He didn’t want to be seen condoning illegal relationships and disobeying orders.

  ‘Come on, you lot, it’s time to go.’

  Phil was always waiting for his family and they were never on time. He felt like he spent half his life waiting, especially for Caroline. What was it with women? As a teenager he’d never understood how girls could take so long t
o get ready to go anywhere and they always kept you waiting. This hadn’t changed as he grew into adulthood. He appreciated that women wanted to make themselves look beautiful but Caroline was naturally gorgeous.

  Max. ‘Female humans are more flamboyant in their dress and looks than most males. When they go out, they therefore take longer to get ready. This is entirely different to a lot of animal species on earth where the males are more colourful than the females. However, female humans like to paint their faces and nails and groom their hair into different styles and animals do not have to do this so female animals are always ready to accompany the male animal on time. Back to the Gibsons who we know are excited about Giant Graylesford Day.’

  The weather forecast was for sunshine with the possibility of thunder storms. It was still early but Caroline could already feel the humidity starting to creep up. She was looking forward to the fayre and had Giant Graylesford to thank for this annual event. Although he’d died over 100 years ago, his life was still celebrated in his home town. At 7 foot 10 inches he’d been the tallest man ever recorded in the country and the town, formerly know as Burryshire was renamed after him. As far as she was aware, he hadn’t done anything particularly extraordinary, except to grow to an enormous height, travel around the country with a circus and charge people to look at him. Fed up of travelling, he’d returned home in his early forties and promptly died. Probably of a heart attack, but very likely of boredom. She was sure he’d be happy that the town celebrated his life and uniqueness by naming this annual event Giant Graylesford Day.

  ‘Ready, darling.’ Caroline sauntered down the stairs followed by Jack and Jemima. ‘Oh no. We’ve forgotten to put on their suntan lotion. Back up the stairs kids.’

  ‘Any chance we can get there before it’s finished and what time’s Jack’s karate display?’ Phil was beginning to lose it.

  Caroline ignored the edge in his voice. ‘Won’t be long, Phil. Jack’s display’s at midday, that’s why the lotion’s important.’

  Another ten minutes passed and they were about to leave.

  ‘I’ll grab an umbrella, just in case.’

  Phil rolled his eyes and counted to ten.

  ‘What’s wrong, Daddy?’

  ‘Nothing son. You look the business in your karate suit.’

  ‘We call them Gees.’

  ‘Ooh, check you out all professional.’

  Phil lifted his son and swung him around. ‘Looking forward to the display, Jack.’

  ‘Yes, it’ll be OK I suppose.’

  Caroline worried that Jack’s easy going nature would make him a pushover as he got older, but Phil loved the fact that his son was like him. Very laid back and the only time he’d seen him really excited was on his birthday or Christmas Day.

  ‘My turn, Daddy, me next, me next.’ Their children were like chalk and cheese and Jemima’s temper could be volatile at the best of times. Phil picked up his adored daughter and swung her round and round. Jemima would never sicken of this game but her mother’s voice halted the fun.

  ‘Come on then, let’s get on.’

  ‘Thank you, Daddy.’ Today Jemima was all sweetness and light. She grabbed her father’s hand and, not to be left out, Jack hugged his mother. It was totally unexpected and Caroline hugged her son back; her kids made her really happy. Then they were off on the short walk to the High Street where the festivities were taking place.

  Graylesford High Street consisted of a series of shops, eateries and more than its fair share of pubs. A little run-down as the economic climate had forced some of the businesses to shut down, but the council had received a renovation grant and three of the closed shops had already been converted into a community centre. Stalls consisting of home made foods and crafts were set-up in the community centre and a few shopaholics had already bought items that they didn’t need and would be forgotten about in the back of a cupboard within a few weeks. Bunting hung across the street all the way down to where the road veered to the right at the end of the street. The Carpenters Arms (Carps to the locals) was at the end of the street on the left. The Carps backed on to a green area which started with the cricket green and behind that the spectacular countryside. Way behind the green was a small lake frequently visited by swans, geese and ducks who probably didn’t appreciate the stunning view of rolling valleys and hills. The cricket green had been cordoned off to be used as a display area and the crowds were already gathering to see the first display. The local jazz band started up and men and women on stilts made their way in the display area, as a tribute to Giant Graylesford. Jemima clapped her hands and marched in time to the music.

  After the giants on stilts, it was time for Jack’s Karate Club display. Junior and his Brown Owls were covering this event and the filming went well.

  John who ran the Karate Club spoke into the mike.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Gibson will start us off by breaking four tiles.’

  Jack stepped up and bowed to the crowd. He approached the stand where the tiles had been placed between two bricks. Jack stood still and took a deep breath. Caroline and Phil could see the total concentration on his face. The crowd went completely quiet and Jack made a high pitched noise and attacked the tiles with the heel of his hand. They all broke in half and his parents cheered and nodded. Phil was so proud that Jack had been chosen out of more than 20 juniors to carry out this task, some of them a lot older than Jack and as far as his father was concerned, this proved beyond any doubt that his boy was extremely talented.

  The display ended with a mock attack and a self-defence demonstration by the seniors. When it was over, Jack ran back to his family.

  Vicky saw some comparison between Karate and Kerfong and could see that Jack had potential to be very good if he persevered. She was not impressed however with Paul, a rather immature member of Junior’s team. Showing off to Tracey, another team member, Paul attempted to break a small pebble with one of his legs. He broke his own leg instead, failed to impress Tracey and was rushed back to the HQ for immediate medical attention.

  Max had also witnessed the incident and Vicky turned to him.

  ‘Can’t you ask the Terries to vet the new spiders they’re sending us? This new intake seems to be well below par.’

  Max agreed. ‘OK, Vic, I’ll radio the Media Centre and ask them to pass the details on to Pamela.’

  Phil picked up his son and swung him around. ‘You were just great, Jack did you enjoy it?’

  ‘It was OK. Can I have a candy floss?’

  ‘Candy floss, candy floss. I want one.’ Said Jemima.

  ‘Candy floss all round it is then.’ Caroline held Jemima’s hand and off they went.

  Max. ‘Yet again we see how much humans are influenced by food. Candy floss is spun sugar with air added which makes it grow in size. It’s served on a stick and it’s naturally white but food colouring is added to make it more attractive to young humans. Jemima likes pink candy floss. Candy floss is often sold at fairs, circuses and fairgrounds together with toffee apples and lots of savoury fast food. If humans eat too much of this food they end up fat and have to do a lot of exercise or use the toilet to get rid of the extra fat.’

  The children were excited and thirsty so it was time to stop for a drink. As they approached the drinks kiosk outside the Royal Oak they noticed a woman dressed in a long flowing skirt, low cut blouse, a scarf and large dangling earrings, smoking a cigarette outside a Fortune Teller’s booth. A queue had formed outside the booth and the woman stubbed out her cigarette and addressed the crowd.

  ‘£10 is all it costs for Gypsy Rose to tell your future.’ She beckoned the first person into the booth.

  ‘One born every minute.’ Said Phil as they passed the booth.

  ‘Quite a lot by the looks of it.’ Caroline nodded at the queue. ‘What’s next?’

  Max. ‘Some humans believe that their futures can be told by unusually dressed women who look into glass balls. Luckily, the Gibsons don’t believe this and they made their way
to watch the Morris Dancers.’

  ‘Why would a grown up bloke want to prance about in that gear? They look daft.’ Phil remarked.

  The dancers were dressed in white shirts with coloured belts crossed across their chests. Their three quarter length black trousers were accompanied by red socks. Over their socks were bell pads, tied at their knees. To top off their outfits they wore straw hats bedecked with flowers.

  Vicky had to give her team of Pink Eagles a good talking to, to get them to behave professionally. Even after the telling off, some of them still couldn’t control their laughter. She sent 3 of the 5 away and told them they’d be in trouble later but she honestly couldn’t blame them for laughing.

  Having seen Vicky talk to her team, Max had taken himself away and got most of the laughter out of his system. He tried his best to do the voiceover without laughing and didn’t get it right until the fifth attempt.

  ‘We believe that Morris Dancers are peculiar to this part of the world and lots of people find them very entertaining.’

  The eight dancers formed a circle facing each other. As they danced they banged short sticks together and the bells on their knees made a loud rhythmic noise as the dancers moved. The display finished and they jogged off to shouts and applause from the spectators.

  ‘I sometimes think we live in a very strange place.’ Muttered Caroline.

  After the Morris Dancing, the family met up with Phil’s mother and father and they all decided to go for afternoon tea. They had lovely little sandwiches and a selection of cakes. The adults drank lots of hot sweet tea and the children squash. The children were hyper if they had fizzy drinks so Phil had bribed the waitress to tell the children that they’d run out of fizzy pop and only had squash left. She received a handsome tip on their departure. They were saying goodbye to Donna and Trevor after tea and the grandparents asked if they could look after the children the following Sunday.

  ‘I want a quick chat with my mother, darling. I’ll catch you all up if you want to head home.’

  Caroline nodded and after the goodbyes, held hands with the children and they started slowly heading for home.