An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘Make way, give him some air.’

  He bent down to Mr Clark and loosened his clothing.

  ‘Someone call an ambulance.’

  Phil went into action straight away and called an ambulance. Sophie’s father cleared a space so the St John’s Ambulance man could get to his gear, and after checking various vital signs, he started giving the patient mouth to mouth resuscitation. Sean sat down and started crying and was comforted by Marie, Sophie and her mother, the earlier incident forgotten. The blue flashing lights appeared within minutes and Mr Clark was whisked off by the paramedics and rushed to Graylesford General.

  Max. ‘Mr Clark had experienced quite a serious heart attack. I’m pleased to tell you that he recovered and his doctor advised him not to get so upset about everything as it would raise his blood pressure and possibly make him expire earlier than he otherwise would. Mrs Clark who was previously on the verge of divorcing her angry husband reaped the benefits of Mr Clark’s new calm state. His near death experience had frightened him and Mr Clark now appreciated those he loved and was eager to try new experiences before it was too late. They joined a Bridge Club, learnt to dance and became Swingers. Bridge is a game played with cards, pegs and a board, and Swingers are people who dance well.’

  *****

  On Largo Terry coaches had studied the game of football and each would be assigned to a group of offspring to teach them how to play. They were directed to observe a number of rules.

  Players:

  The game may only be played within the dome in the controlled air environment. Balls must not be taken outside the dome unless they are vacuum packed. They will explode and damage Terries or our planet if taken outside not properly packed.

  No borrowing other Terries’ balls without the specific permission of the owner.

  No damaging other Terries, physically or verbally.

  No discussing whether Wendies played football; Wendies are mythical so did not/do not/have not/were not able to play anything.

  Offspring must enjoy themselves while playing football. Failure to do so will result in a temporary ban from playing the game and other possible penalties depending on the degree of miserableness.

  Lastly, a uniform which humans call kit and consists of shorts and t-shirt must be worn by all Terries when playing football. Coaches have been supplied with the appropriate uniforms and will explain their care and maintenance on issue.

  Parents and Spectators:

  Terries older than 20 are not allowed to play. Activities for Terries of this age and older should be of a more serious nature.

  Parents are not permitted to stand on the sidelines and shout at any of the officials or call into question their parentage. Nor are they allowed to shout at their own offspring or any of the other players.

  Parents must resist the urge to inform other parents that their offspring are better at the game than anyone else.

  Thought transference could be construed as cheating and is not permitted whilst playing the game. A number of magnetic blocking aids have been placed in each playing area which will cause agonizing head pain to anyone attempting to ignore this rule.

  Extra rations of supplements and worms will be provided for players to make up for the additional energy expended.

  Max. ‘We’ll now go to an extended break so that these rules can be discussed in Terry residences.’

  *****

  ‘Yeeeeessssss.’ Shouted Dorset in a very un-Terry like fashion. Keesha was slightly more restrained, but not by much.

  ‘When do we start? Where do we go? Who’s our coach? What will our uniform be like?’ She asked.

  Flora and Bobby had never seen their offspring in such a state and quite enjoyed the experience.

  ‘Don’t worry, I should imagine we’ll be given all the information we need shortly.’ Flora needn’t have bothered. The offspring were working themselves up into a frenzy and hadn’t heard a word their mother said.

  ‘Goooooaaaaaallllllll.’ Everyone was stunned into silence and stared at Nectarine.

  ‘Our little genius wants to join in.’

  Bobby was amazed at how forward his youngest was for his age. He was an extremely proud father.

  ‘He’s too young to play though.’ Dorset pointed out.

  ‘He’ll be able to play soon and I bet he’ll be brilliant.’ Flora smiled at her youngest.

  ‘I don’t think you’re allowed to say that.’ Keesha mentally recapped the rules and was sure that parents weren’t allowed to brag about how clever their offspring were.

  ‘I think you’ll find that’s only in front of other parents.’ Said Flora.

  Bobby said he wasn’t sure and would like to check. The initial euphoria over, they all sat down together to discuss the football. There was an air of nervous excitement in the home and for the first time since the series had started, they were not eagerly awaiting the end of the break for the show to return.

  Max soon re-captured the attention of his viewers.

  Max. ‘Leaflets will shortly be delivered to your homes giving details of the training programme and location. You’ll find out about the coach and uniform details shortly after arrival at the training dome.’

  Later that day Keesha and Dorset made their way to the dome, about a 20 minute walk from their home. Parents weren’t allowed at the first session and it had taken Bobby and Flora some time to come to terms with this. Used to mentoring their offspring and supporting them in their education, the only time they were separated was for the 4 hours of learning and socialising with other Terry offspring during the day.

  The dome was a lot bigger than Terry homes but a similar design and also silver in colour. It was the other way around as far as seeing in and out was concerned; outsiders could see in but those inside could not see out. The dome had outer and inner doors due to the forced air environment on the inside and a number of entrances. The outer doors were the same material as those of the Terry homes, but were multi-coloured like all the other public buildings on Largo, to signify that access was allowed by all Terries.

  None of the Terries had ever seen such a big building and Dorset pressed his hand to the door with some trepidation. It swung open and Dorset and Keesha crept inside tentatively. They both felt the need to be silent. The foyer was like a stark hotel reception lounge area with seating available and space to house up to 100 Terries. Keesha jumped when a voice told them to ensure the outer door was closed prior to accessing the inner door, and Dorset laughed nervously. Once the outer door had swung closed, Dorset put his hand on the inner door which slid open. A red beam flashed while this door was opening. They stood for a moment to take in the scene in front of them. They were at the end of a narrow aisle where they could look up into the seating areas to both their left and right. They could see 7 other aisles leading to and from doors and all of them led to the football pitch in the centre of the dome. They walked to the football pitch from where they could view the rows of seats, placed behind each other and gradually getting higher to ensure that all spectators would be able to see what was going on.

  A shrill high pitched noise made both of them jump and they noticed a grown up Terry walking up one of the aisles accompanied by Fork Swain and 3 other youngsters. They reached Dorset and Keesha and the grown up started making weird stretching moves and ran on the spot for a little while. The strange silver device dangling from what looked like spider string around his neck jiggled up and down as he moved.

  ‘Hello you two.’ He said. ‘I’m Wee Allie but you guys get to call me Coach, do you understand?’

  Dorset and Keesha said yes.

  ‘Yes what?’

  They just looked at him.

  ‘That’ll be Yes, Coach then, understand?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Wee Allie raised his eyebrows waiting for more.

  ‘Yes, Coach.’ They said in unison.

  Wee Allie was about 7 foot 5, average height for a Terry, and dressed in white short trousers and a black t-shirt
with the word Coach emblazoned in large letters on the front.

  ‘This.’ Said the coach holding the silver device hanging around his neck. ‘Is a whistle.’

  He lifted the whistle to his mouth and blew it. Dorset and Keesha jumped again and Fork Swain and the other three laughed.

  ‘When I blow this whistle, you must stop what you’re doing and listen to what I say. Understand?’

  ‘Yes, Coach.’

  Keesha and Dorset were getting restless. They wanted to do something, preferably learn the game and see what they looked like in the football uniform.

  Coach told them to unpack their balls and warm up. The balls unpacked but nobody knew how to warm up. He was reluctant to explain until the other 20 or so offspring arrived. Coach didn’t want the balls to be damaged so the offspring weren’t allowed to use them until they’d been shown how to do so. They all milled around not sure what to do. Fork Swain started telling stories but nobody wanted to listen to his nonsense. At last the others arrived and Coach introduced himself and went through the information about the whistle.

  ‘Who wants to try their uniforms?’

  Excited cheers went up from all the youngsters. Coach handed out shorts and t-shirts and the youngsters were soon kitted out and ready to go.

  ‘Right, you lot, let’s get warmed up.’

  Coach made his way to the centre of the pitch and the offspring started to follow. ‘No. I want you all to form a circle and start running round.’

  ‘But we know how to run.’ Said Keesha. ‘We’re here to learn to play football.’ Coach blew his whistle. ‘I won’t tolerate backchat. Get down and give me ten.’

  ‘But I don’t want to dirty my uniform.’ Keesha protested but the Coach pointed to the floor so she sat down. She didn’t know what was expected of her and was too afraid to ask in case she got into further trouble. Keesha felt a fool sitting there with everyone looking at her. Coach thought he’d been a bit severe but didn’t want to look weak and change his mind. He assumed the press-up position and showed Keesha what he wanted her to do.

  ‘As it’s the first time, you can give me 5, but let that be a lesson to you and to the rest of you young Terries. My word is final.’ He looked around at all of them. ‘Understand?’

  ‘Yes, Coach.’ They all chanted.

  Keesha’s arms were aching by the time she’d finished and she vowed to herself not to ask any further questions.

  Following the running, they did various stretches and warm up moves for their arms and legs. Coach blew his whistle.

  ‘Here we go then, grab one ball between two and follow my actions. Dorset, you can partner me.’

  Coach kicked the ball to Dorset and asked him to kick it back. Dorset launched the ball which went over Coach’s head and flew into the seating area of the dome.

  ‘Go and get the ball, Dorset.’

  He run off and Coach picked another youngster to help him demonstrate the exercise. Every time the young Terry tried to kick the ball he lost his footing and fell on the floor. Coach chose Keesha next and she did exactly the same as her brother. Fork Swain volunteered to have a go and he was absolutely brilliant.

  ‘Well done, Fork.’ Said Coach.

  ‘I want the rest of you to follow what Fork does until you can get it right.’ By the end of the session, only Fork and two others were able to make the ball go in the general direction that they wanted.

  ‘OK, everyone that’s a wrap.’

  Nobody knew what Coach was talking about.

  ‘What does that mean?’ Dorset asked.

  ‘It means we’ve finished for today and you can get down and give me five for asking stupid questions.’

  The youngsters were quickly learning not to ask questions. None of them knew whether to hand their uniforms back or whether they’d be allowed to keep them. Coach waited for the question but it wasn’t forthcoming.

  ‘Same time in two suns. Don’t forget your uniforms and pack your balls properly.’ He took off his t-shirt and shorts and put them in his holdall.

  ‘Well done everyone, you did well today.’

  The youngsters were amazed at this last comment as the Coach had seemed miserable and frustrated during the whole session.

  ‘Perhaps he’s just grumpy by nature.’ Dorset said to Keesha on their way home. They were both a bit deflated. Usually excelling at everything they tried, they found it hard to bear that Fork Swain was a more talented footballer at this stage than either of them.

  ‘Maybe we’ll get the hang of it next time?’ Said Keesha, although privately she very much doubted it. It wasn’t as if they could practise before the next session as they would have to get permission to use the sport dome.

  ‘Do you think they’d let us use the dome for practise if we ask?’ Said Dorset as if reading her thoughts. Feeling a little happier about this possibility their mood lifted and they skipped home.

  The youngsters were not allowed separate training sessions and over the coming season, Fork Swain excelled at football and was always the star when they played other teams. It was unusual for Fork Swain to be better at something than the others, but as the season wore on, the youngsters soon came to terms with this new situation. Fork was in his element. He wasn’t a particularly bright Terry, but was good at practical tasks. Fork’s love of football started as soon as he kicked the ball and he had a natural ability for the sport. Football was the only thing that Fork had ever been good at and it changed many other aspects of his life. His self-esteem improved by leaps and bounds and he had also stopped exaggerating and telling outrageous stories. Instead of him being a constant irritant to Keesha, she looked forward to seeing him and loved watching him play.

  Max. ‘After some initial teething problems, the majority of our youngsters are starting to enjoy football. We may consider introducing other human sports to Largo in due course. But for now, let’s see how the Gibsons and their friends are getting on.’

  Chapter 26

  Easter and the children were off school for two weeks. Caroline was trying a new recipe and Jack and Jemima were playing on the Wii. She could hear them niggling at each other but there wasn’t enough aggravation yet for Caroline to intervene. Now they’re older maybe they’ll enjoy each other’s company and not argue so much thought Caroline optimistically.

  The doorbell rang and Caroline heard Sophie’s voice as Jack answered the door. ‘They can’t make me go, I’ll refuse, I’ll run away.’

  Sophie came running into the kitchen, sobbing her heart out. She was closely followed by Jack and Jemima. Sophie grabbed Caroline around the waist and hugged her tightly. Caroline held her and looked enquiringly at Jack. He shrugged. She waited for Sophie’s sobbing to subside a little.

  ‘What is it, what’s happened?’

  The tears were still running freely but there were enough gaps between the huge sobs for Sophie to speak.

  ‘My mother’s being seeing someone for months now. She told me this morning that we’re going to Australia to live.’

  ‘Australia.’ Chanted all three. It would have been funny were Sophie not so upset.

  ‘I don’t want to go but she says I have to. Can I come and live with you?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Shouted Jack. ‘Sophie can come and live with us and her mother can go to Australia.’ Jack put his arm around Sophie and they both looked at Caroline.

  ‘Great. Can I, Mrs Gibson?’

  Caroline chose her words carefully. ‘I don’t think your mother would allow you to stay here, Sophie while she’s in Australia. What’s your father said?’

  Sophie started sobbing again.

  ‘He said it would be OK for me to live with him but his girlfriend said there’s not enough room.’

  Caroline hugged Sophie again until the worst of the sobs were over.

  ‘Please, Mam. Let Sophie come and live with us.’ Jack was desperate not to lose his best friend.

  ‘You could be like my older twin sister.’ Although Jemima knew it was impossible for her to b
e a twin, she liked Sophie and would be happy for her to live with them.

  ‘Look. I don’t think your mother would go to Australia and leave you here, Sophie. I’m not even sure she’d go and leave you with your father, never mind us.’

  Sophie slid down the cabinet onto the kitchen floor, covered her head with her arms and wailed. This upset them all and Jack and Jemima sat next to her and cried with her. Caroline left them for a few minutes then intervened with some chocolate cup cakes and squash. Although distracted, the children were still miserable.

  Jack finished his cake and put the plate on the counter.

  ‘We’re going up to my room to play, Mam.’ Jack didn’t wait for his mother to answer and Sophie followed him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

  ‘Are you sure you want to stay, Sophie? Do you want me to call your mother?’ Caroline called after them.

  ‘It’s fine thanks, Mrs Gibson.’ Sophie called back and Jack’s bedroom door closed ending further conversation.

  The exchange had upset Max. He had become very attached to his human family and didn’t like to see any of them upset, even their friends. He composed himself in order to do the voiceover. ‘In human terms Australia is very far away from Graylesford and it would cost a lot of money for Jack and Sophie to travel to see each other in the future. Sophie may also be upset because the majority of the Earth’s poisonous creatures live in Australia and she could be bitten, stung or eaten by one of them.’

  Caroline was fuming and upset for Sophie. As if having to travel all that way to see her father since her parents divorce wasn’t bad enough, now they were moving the poor child to the other side of the world. This latest boyfriend of Sophie’s mother was another in the long line of men coming and going since her father had left. In Caroline’s opinion Gail Byrne was becoming quite generous with her favours. And for her father to say the house wasn’t big enough for Sophie and his new girlfriend’s kids was scandalous. She’d need to speak to Gail Byrne and do it carefully. Caroline wondered whether she should broach the subject with Phil. Perhaps they could convert the computer room to use as a bedroom for Sophie. She knew as she thought it that she was being emotional because she felt so sorry for the girl. Even if Phil agreed, there was no chance that Gail would allow it. They’d have to put on a brave face and hope that Sophie would come to terms with the move.