An Alien's Guide to the Human Species
Page 31
Phil wasn’t taking no for an answer.
Jack knew that tone of voice and knew there was no arguing.
Prudence was affronted. To whom did this giant think he was speaking.
‘Actually my good man…’
‘Portia, go with Aubrey please.’ Abigail interrupted and Portia knew when she was beaten. She joined Aubrey and the other children and they left the room.
‘But, Mummy…’ Prudence gave it one more shot.
‘Just leave it, darling please. This is about Bunny and we need to get it sorted.’
Prudence shut up and nodded sulkily.
‘Being a porn star isn’t actually a legal impediment to getting married. Are we going ahead with the wedding or not?’
The Registrar had another wedding later that day and was anxious to resolve the matter of this wedding, one way or another.
‘Yes.’ Said Jean. ‘I know all about Bunny’s past and love him anyway.’
‘You can’t marry him, Jean. It wouldn’t be right, even for you.’
Donna folded her arms and shook her head.
‘Shut up, Donna.’ Said Caroline, and before her mother-in-law had a chance to respond, she turned to her mother.
‘You mean you actually knew Bunny was a porn actor and you let him be around my children!’
‘Caroline.’ Jean was exasperated. ‘Bunny was a porn star, a quite famous one actually, years ago before we met. That doesn’t mean he’s some sort of pervert. You’ve seen what he’s like with your kids, how could you make such a cruel comment.’
Caroline felt suitably chastised.
‘What Bunny did was perfectly legal.’ Said Abigail. ‘But I grant you it wasn’t in particularly good taste. At least he doesn’t have a criminal record, not like someone I could mention.’
‘How dare you. You can’t compare Phil’s minor misdemeanour when trying to protect children with what Bunny’s done.’ Caroline was very annoyed now.
‘Come on, darling. We’ve all got secrets.’ Jean looked at her daughter and Caroline didn’t pick up on what her mother was getting at.
‘You’ve lost me there, Mam.’
‘Well. Let me take you back to your Hen Weekend. I wasn’t there of course but I heard you woke up with a strange man in your bed!’
Caroline laughed. Her mother had obviously got the wrong end of the stick and had harboured a misconception for all these years.
‘Oh, Mam. Why didn’t you ask me and I would have told you exactly what happened.’ Caroline could see that Phil wasn’t laughing and Donna had the nerve to look indignant so she hurried to explain.
‘The girls tried to set me up and it backfired. Sue invited someone into our room in the morning. He was supposed to get into bed with me and I was meant to wake up thinking that something had happened.’ Caroline hesitated and looked at Phil. He still looked worried and she couldn’t understand why.
‘I was already awake and worked out what was going on. I sent him packing and the girls have been nervous ever since, waiting for me to get them back.’
Jean had the decency to look sheepish and Phil put his arm around his wife and squeezed her towards him in solidarity. He wasn’t stupid and could see what was coming next. He wanted to warn his wife.
‘Whatever anyone says, keep calm and remember it was years ago and we love each other.’
‘What have you done?’ Caroline was dreading the revelation.
Trevor’s sense of fair play kicked in. ‘I know you’re my son, Phil, but I want to even things up a little here. You weren’t totally innocent on your stag night were you?’
‘No, Dad I wasn’t, but that’s in the past and we’ve all moved on now.’
It was a futile effort.
‘Nice try, son, but while you make judgements about us, Caroline needs to know that you woke up naked, in the bed of a strange woman, although I must add that you didn’t sleep with her, well not in the biblical sense anyway.’
Phil looked questioningly at his father. Trevor smiled at his son. ‘Sam.’
Phil wasn’t surprised and would have laughed if Caroline hadn’t given him a heavy elbow in the waist.
‘So, my porn star brother is marrying into a family where one has a criminal record, and wakes up with a strange woman after his stag do, and one set of grandparents likes to watch porn films. How absolutely ghastly.’
Prudence looked at Jean, Caroline, Phil, Donna and Trevor with distaste. Her father thought it about time to bring her back to Earth.
‘Do you remember your first Nanny job, Prudence? And the circumstances you left in.’
It was Pru’s turn to be shocked this time. She had been young and foolish and knew the MP was a Minister now, she saw him on the television often enough, but had managed to put that episode right to the back of her mind.
‘Please, Daddy, that has nothing to do with this charade.’ Prudence was desperate for her father to keep his mouth shut.
‘Please, Daddy?’
She sounded like a five year old and her mother wasn’t impressed.
Abigail was annoyed.
‘For heaven’s sake, Prudence, act your age. Your father will keep your past to himself but remember that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’
This was the first time that she hadn’t been able to wrap her father around her little finger so Prudence went into another of her famous sulks. Pru’s husband Raphe wasn’t happy at this revelation. He hated confrontation though and decided to leave it for now and have a quiet word with Pru when they got home.
Ordinarily, Bunny would have loved to know what his sister had been up to but this wasn’t the time. He’d had enough of listening to everyone else’s dirty little secrets. The day was ruined.
‘STOOOOOPPPPPPP!’ Everyone was stunned into silence, few of them had heard Bunny raise his voice before.
‘Donna.’ The name was said through gritted teeth. Bunny was finding it difficult to contain his anger and kept reminding himself standards old chap, standards.
‘You’ve spoilt our day by being frightfully horrid and you’ve made me very very cross.’
He took Jean’s hand and placed her arm in the crook of his own.
‘Come on beautiful lady, you’re my rose in this garden of weeds.’
Jean loved it when Bunny was masterful and happily accompanied her wonderful man out of the building. They left a crying Donna, a fuming Abigail a bemused Registrar and Caroline and Phil not knowing what to think.
‘So, does that mean the wedding’s on or off?’ The Registrar looked at the remaining guests, and nobody could answer his question.
Max. ‘That brings us to the end of this episode, Terries, and sadly, to the end of the series…’
Vicky shook her head sadly. Secrets always seemed to come out, whether in the human world or their own.
Chapter 30
On Largo Bobby and his family weren’t impressed at the end of the show.
‘You can’t do that.’ Shouted Dorset, even though he knew nobody on the Terryvision could hear him.
‘I wonder if they did get married then? It seems a bit unfair to keep us guessing.’ Bobby commented. He was the only calm one in the home, the rest of his family were fuming.
‘That’s so unfair.’ Said Flora. ‘What if we aren’t here to see the next series?’ As soon as the words were out, Flora cursed herself for her lapse.
‘What do you mean, Mum?’ Asked Keesha.
Flora looked at Bobby and saw the imperceptible shake of his head.
‘Your mother meant to say what if they can’t make another series, we wouldn’t know what happens to the humans.’
Keesha could sense her mother’s distress but before she could question further, they heard a voice from the Terryvision.
Max. ‘It’s what humans call a cliff hanger. Wondering whether Jean and Bunny did or didn’t get married will ensure that you watch the next series. Signing off for now, Terries. Hope you all get through this season’s solar storms
and see you on the other side.’
The credits rolled and Flora stood up.
‘Come on then, let’s go.’
‘Is that what you meant, you think we might not survive the storms?’ Keesha looked worried. Flora hugged her oldest offspring.
‘Of course we’ll survive, Keesha. We always do. Even the really bad ones that you don’t remember because you were too young.’
Keesha didn’t feel particularly reassured but there was nothing she could do, so she followed her family down the circular staircase. Down and down and down, they went so far underground that it seemed to take forever to get there. Flora had already laid out the cocoons; the children in the centre and her and Bobby on either side. They were all in a sombre mood which was quite normal for this season. Their actions were being replicated in all other homes across Largo. The youngest first so Nectarine lay down and his parents leaned over him.
‘Sleep well, precious gift. See you later.’
Nectarine smiled and Bobby administered the injection. He was in a deep sleep within seconds.
It was Dorset’s turn next. He got himself comfortable and his parents looked at him fondly.
‘What happens if I refuse the injection and stay awake?’ He asked.
‘Then you’ll expire, son.’ Said his father
‘What from.’
‘Malnutrition or loneliness, not sure which one will get you first.’
Flora wasn’t too concerned at this. Dorset asked the same questions every year and Bobby gave him the same answers.
‘When I’m old enough, I’m going to find a solution to this so we don’t have to sleep for half of our lives.’
This was new though and a first for Dorset. Bobby and Flora told him how clever he was, but for now he’d need to forget about future plans and sleep. The needle went in and Dorset slept.
Keesha was uncharacteristically quiet and Flora was concerned.
‘I’m not happy about this, Mum but I know the alternatives.’ She was starting to sound very grown up thought Flora.
‘See you on the other side.’ Keesha managed a small smile and fell asleep.
Flora and Bobby held each other for a little while. They both hated this time of season. When they let go of each other they inspected their offspring, looking lovingly at the features that made them the individuals they were, and spending a little time remembering conversations and the little quirks that made them love them. After all, if it was a bad storm season, they might all perish.
‘It’s time.’
Bobby stroked his partner’s back. They made their way to their separate cocoons, positioned so that each could protect their offspring should the need arise; Wendies might be a myth, but you never knew.
Flora raised her needle and looked at Bobby.
‘Bye, my love.’
Bobby pretended to insert his needle into his arm at the same time as Flora, as the rules demanded for equal partners. However, he had some primeval feeling that made him want to ensure that his family were safe before he slept.
Flora’s eyes were now closed and Bobby got up and walked over to where she lay. She was sound asleep. He had his needle with him and some strange impulse made him get into her cocoon, beside her. There wasn’t much room but Bobby wasn’t worried about being comfortable. He kissed her cheek copying what he’d seen the humans do.
‘Goodnight, my heart.’
*****
The Largo Supreme Government were at their final meeting prior to their long sleep. The Prime Minister, Rodney Riverbank addressed his Chief Scientist. ‘So you’re telling me that some of our ancestors mated with humans, Pamela?’
‘Yes, Prime Minister.’ Here’s the evidence.’ An image appeared on the wall showing Phil Gibson’s family tree. The unusual joined fingers and giant likeness had first occurred in Phil’s family shortly after the Largo Mark 3 went missing. Unbeknown to Phil, his ancestors from this time had resided in Falhaven.
‘So this, along with studies of the agents who took the footballs, proves that we can adapt to the living conditions on Earth.’ She sat back and folded her arms.
‘That’s all very well and Earth would be a fantastic place for us all to live.’ Rodney looked at his Ministers. ‘But don’t you think these humans would notice an influx of Terries?’
The other Ministers laughed, but Pamela had kept the best for last.
‘My team’s been working on sleep hypnosis techniques, with the assistance of a proven master. I think you’ll be very pleased with the results.’
‘That’s all very well too.’ Said the Prime Minister. ‘But how do we know it’ll work on humans.’
‘Bring him in.’ Said Pamela.
And the human Guinea Pig was brought in front of the Prime Minister.
Table of Contents
Dedication.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30