The Game Changer

by Louise Phillips

  ‘That’s okay,’ said Amanda. ‘It’s good to laugh.’ Then she told Sarah that sex shouldn’t be repressed. Having relations with multiple partners, Amanda said, was nothing more than a freedom of expression, a celebration of life, of enjoyment. ‘Don’t you agree, Sarah?’

  Sarah said, ‘Yes,’ because she didn’t know what else to say, but she must have looked a little shell-shocked and unsure, because she could see that Amanda wasn’t happy with her reaction. Then Amanda’s face softened, as if she thought Sarah might be a bit slow, or like a child, someone who couldn’t grasp a full understanding of something.

  ‘Sex is a natural thing,’ Amanda said. ‘I love it now.’

  ‘Didn’t you love it before?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Not really, but it’s different on the island.’

  ‘So much is different here.’

  ‘I prefer older men,’ Amanda whispered. ‘They appreciate you more.’

  Sarah wondered if she would view John as an older man. He wasn’t much older than Sarah, but he looked it. She could hear the wind whistling outside.

  She could see Amanda’s mouth opening and closing, but she couldn’t hear what she was saying. It was as if someone had turned the volume down. Sarah imagined John in their house. She could see him moving about, getting out of bed, going to the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He always got up before seven, even on the weekend. She tried to remember what day it was, but it was useless. She visualised John going downstairs in his dressing gown, after he’d had his shower. Then he would put the kettle on, lifting the small blind at the sink to let in the light. The kettle would be full from the night before. He would set the table for one because he was on his own now. Sarah wondered how that would make him feel. She could hear the imaginary click of the knife he would use to butter his toast, and the spoon he would use to stir one teaspoon of sugar into his tea. When he was ready, he would put the radio on, and read the newspaper he had collected on his way home from work the previous day. By seven thirty, he would be done. Then he would clear everything into the dishwasher. He would check that it was stacked properly to get the best economic value. He would fold his newspaper and bring it into the sitting room, dropping it on the coffee table, then walk back upstairs to get dressed.

  Sometimes he stopped at the top of the stairs. A couple of seconds would pass before she might hear his feet move again. After he was dressed, he’d go downstairs, back into the hall, pick up his bundle of keys and open the front door.

  ‘Are you listening, Sarah?’ Amanda asked.

  Sarah didn’t answer. She looked down at the newspaper cuttings instead. One of the paper boats was lying sideways, so she turned her head in the same direction. ‘I would like to paint them,’ she said, ‘the boats. I would like to give them some colour.’

  ‘That sounds nice,’ Amanda replied. ‘Did you ever paint proper pictures?’

  Sarah didn’t know what proper pictures were. She never had known. John wanted paintings to look like replicas. He’d say stupid things, like ‘Isn’t that great? It’s like an actual photograph.’

  ‘I used to paint,’ Sarah said then, ‘but that was a long time ago.’

  ‘There are plenty of artists here.’ Amanda sounded excited. ‘You’d like Arnold, or even Leo, or both.’ Then she giggled, like some silly adolescent. Sarah kept listening as Amanda told her again that she had embraced her new sexuality. The words taboo, taboo, taboo, boo, boo, boo, were going off inside Sarah’s head, but this time she resisted the urge to say anything.

  ‘What about your sexual fantasies and desires?’ Amanda asked.

  Sarah thought about her question, then said, ‘That was a long time ago, before Lily was born.’

  Amanda looked down at Lily, asking Sarah which step she was on. Sarah knew they weren’t supposed to talk about steps to each other. It was part of the oath of secrecy. Everyone’s journey was different, and it didn’t do to undermine someone else’s progress. Amanda must have sensed she had said something wrong, so instead of looking at Sarah or Lily, she returned to her paper diamonds, picking them up in her hand. ‘Aren’t they nice?’ she asked. ‘All the same size, joined together neatly in a row.’

  ‘Like us,’ Sarah said, and it must have been a good thing to say, because Amanda laughed again.

  Sarah’s mind drifted, but she could still hear Amanda talking about her desires and fantasies, and telling her that hers would come back. That she was still a young woman.

  Sarah heard Lily crying. It was near feeding time, and she preferred to feed Lily alone, in the comfort of their room. She told Amanda she had to go.

  ‘Next time,’ Amanda said, ‘ask one of the other women to mind Lily, and I can introduce you to Arnold and Leo.’

  Sarah stared at her blankly, finding it hard to breathe. She needed to get away. She began to retreat, walking backwards, not looking where she was going, hoping she was walking in the right direction, clutching Lily in her arms.

  Amanda followed her, and for some reason, Sarah felt as if her feet were stuck to the floor. They wouldn’t move. Amanda reached out and rubbed the back of her hand down the side of Sarah’s face. The hand was warm and gentle, but then Sarah got scared, thinking Amanda was going to drop it to her breast, but instead she said, ‘It’s okay, Sarah. You must take it one step at a time.’

  Kate

  KATE HAD SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT IN CHARLIE’S bedroom, like a hen watching over her eggs. Working with the mind maps the previous evening hadn’t given her any new answers, but it had focused her thoughts.

  She purposely didn’t wake Charlie for school. She had no intention of letting him out of her sight until she was able to work something out with Declan.

  The techies hadn’t managed to get anything forensically off the letter or the envelope, but she had decided to reduce her contact with Malcolm, just in case.

  As she waited for Adam to come out of the shower, her earlier resolve, fuelled partly by rage, partly, determination seemed to be fading fast. If she was honest with herself, whatever hold she felt she had on things kept swaying in her effort to take everything in. No matter how much she pushed herself, she couldn’t remember ever seeing her father physically abuse her mother, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t happened. She was often asleep by the time he got home. They lived in an old Victorian house, with thick walls, and her bedroom was the furthest away from the sitting room downstairs. It explained why her mother never stood up for herself, or questioned her father in any real way. Kate didn’t need her mother to be alive to know that his rages could be terrifying. There was never any doubt in Kate’s mind that if she pushed him he would hit out. If she asked Adam for the reports from the Domestic Violence Unit, he would probably agree to let her read them, but she wasn’t ready for that, not yet.

  ‘Are you going to be okay?’ he asked, coming out of the shower.

  ‘I think so, but I’m not leaving Charlie here. He’s been through enough.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’m going to pull him from school, at least until we know there’s nothing to worry about. I can talk to Declan later on, and see if he can take some time out. He works from home most of the time, and right now, Birmingham feels a lot safer than this apartment.’

  ‘Kate, I won’t let anyone hurt you or Charlie.’

  ‘I know that,’ but even as she answered him, a part of her knew that he couldn’t guarantee anything.

  ‘I’m going to see if I can get some surveillance arranged.’

  ‘On what grounds? Two anonymous notes and a heap of questions nobody knows the answers to?’

  ‘Leave it with me, but you’re right about Charlie. There’s no point in taking any chances.’ He moved closer to her. ‘Do you want me to stay here with you? I can, you know.’

  ‘I’m tempted to say yes, but you’re better off trying to get to the bottom of things.’

  ‘Promise me you’ll hold off leaving the apartment until I work out something by way of security.’
r />   ‘I promise.’

  When Adam left, she decided to make the phone call to Declan. She had left Charlie’s bedroom door ajar, wanting to keep an eye on him. He was sound asleep. She punched in Declan’s direct number.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ he asked immediately. ‘Is Charlie okay?’

  ‘Yes, he’s fine, but something’s come up.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It could be nothing.’

  ‘I don’t like the sound of this.’

  ‘No, honestly, this is simply a precaution, nothing more.’ She paused, wondering how best to put the next part. ‘I’ve been getting notes, two to be precise. I don’t know who is sending them, but they both came to the apartment and—’

  ‘What kind of notes?’

  ‘They’re probably some idiot’s idea of a joke, but I don’t like that they’re coming here, and I thought it would be a good idea if Charlie went to you for a while, until I can get a handle on who’s sending the notes and why.’

  ‘Kate, are you sure this is simply a precaution? Are the notes threatening?’

  ‘Not in themselves. They’re more intimidating than anything else.’

  ‘You sound awful.’

  ‘Well, I feel pretty awful.’ Her stomach was churning. She needed to get a handle on this stress. ‘I know I’m not giving you much notice, but I don’t want to take any chances.’

  He didn’t say anything for few seconds, as if he was contemplating what she had said. ‘You’re right,’ he said eventually. ‘Best not to take any risks.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You don’t need to thank me. I’m his father.’

  ‘I know that.’

  ‘Hold on. Let me check the next flight.’

  She saw Charlie stir in the bed. ‘Kate, are you still there?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘There’s one leaving at midday, so with a bit of luck I can be with you early afternoon.’

  ‘What about work?’

  ‘I can reschedule. I’ll bring Charlie to see my folks first, then get a flight back tomorrow morning.’

  ‘He’d like that.’

  ‘What about school?’

  ‘Leave that with me. They won’t be happy, but it can’t be helped.’

  ‘Kate?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You really do sound worn down.’

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘You never change, you know that.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘There’s always something pulling you in different directions.’

  ‘You’re wrong, Declan, I can change. Everyone can change.’

  ∞

  Charlie was excited about his dad calling, but even so, he didn’t like the sudden change of plan. What would his teacher say? He didn’t want to miss school. What about the school concert? Was it to do with Adam? Did they have a fight? Why couldn’t she come too? Did Dad not want her to go?

  One question after another, all of which she attempted to answer, reassuring him that it wasn’t anything to do with him, Adam or his dad.

  Sitting at the breakfast table, with a full bowl of cornflakes and an undrunk glass of orange juice in front of him, he asked, ‘What is it, then?’

  Ask a direct question, Kate thought, and you usually get a direct answer. She knew she couldn’t tell him everything, but she had to tell him something. Pulling her chair closer, she kept her voice low and calm. ‘Charlie, do you remember a time a couple of years back when that man took the two of us away in a car?’

  ‘You said he was in prison, that he wouldn’t be able to hurt us any more.’

  ‘He is. I said that because it’s true.’

  ‘What, then?’

  She wished there was an easier way to explain things: frightening him was the last thing she wanted to do.

  ‘You enjoy being with Dad, don’t you?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘And you also know that because of what happened Mum is always extra, extra careful?’

  ‘You don’t want anything bad to happen to me.’

  ‘That’s right.’ She ran her fingers through his hair. ‘You’re so clever.’ She was smiling. ‘So the thing is, Charlie, something has come up that might be absolutely nothing.’

  ‘Like a bad dream that isn’t real?’

  ‘A bit like that, only it isn’t even a dream, just a couple of things that I need to sort out.’

  ‘What kind of things?’

  ‘That doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I want to make sure you’re okay.’

  ‘I hate it when you do that,’ his bottom lip was quivering, ‘when you hide stuff.’ He pushed away the cornflakes, spilling the milk on the table.

  ‘I don’t hide stuff from you.’

  ‘You do.’

  ‘I know it’s hard, honey.’

  ‘I hate you.’

  ‘Don’t say that, Charlie.’

  He looked down at his cereal bowl, saying nothing.

  ‘Can I promise you something, Charlie?’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘You know you don’t mean that. I’m going to promise you that you won’t be away for long, and that you and your dad will have a great time. That even though I know you’re not happy about this now, I’m not doing it for any reason other than I love you. I’ll ring you every day, and I’m going to get this sorted out real fast.’ She took his hands in hers. ‘You do believe me, Charlie, don’t you?’

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘I love you so much.’

  ‘You promise it won’t be for long?’

  ‘Promise, cross my heart and hope to die.’

  ‘And you’ll call me every single day.’

  ‘Twice a day.’

  ‘Okay, then.’

  They packed his case together, once Kate had made the call to the school. And true to his word, by early afternoon, she heard Declan’s two sharp rings in quick succession on the intercom.

  ‘You made good time.’

  ‘Jesus, Kate, you look so bloody pale.’

  ‘It was a long night.’

  ‘Dad! Dad!’ Charlie ran into his arms.

  He lifted the boy high in the air, swinging him around.

  ‘Thanks again, Declan,’ she said, holding back the tears. Despite her brave talk with Charlie, she hated the idea of being separated from her son.

  ‘No need for thanks. You know me, I love being with this crazy chap.’

  Kate watched Declan turn their son upside down, all his questions temporarily forgotten, as she felt like a good mother and an awful mother at the one time.

  Part Two

  Addy

  IT WAS TWO WEEKS SINCE ADDY HAD ARRIVED ON the island, and lots of things had surprised him. One was how little he had seen of Aoife, especially in the last few days. She was progressing well within the programme, she had told him. The higher she went, and the more steps she managed to accomplish, the more reflection sessions were necessary, alone and with other members.

  He had also noticed how often that arsehole Stephen seemed to be hovering around her. When Aoife was there, Stephen behaved as if he was supportive and kind-hearted, but Addy saw a different side of him. Even if Aoife wasn’t prepared to believe what he told her about the bastard, it didn’t make him any less of an arsehole. Stephen was one of the leaders, and as such, respect was inherent in any relationship he had with other members. Leaders didn’t do chores. They were there to support others emotionally. Some members worked, but the helpers did most of it. They all had different reasons for being there. Jason and Owen were a bit like him: they needed time away from home; the two Americans, Christopher and Alexander, turned out to be brothers, and they were planning on checking their Irish family roots in the spring. Asan was the quietest of all, but he was a good worker, and Karl did most of the mediation between them and the leaders, which suited Addy just fine.

  He had thought a few times about going home, but he wasn’t prepared to admit failure. Even though there was a lot
about the whole commune thing that he didn’t like, the routine of life on the island, in some ways, felt like an escape, while the isolation and the harsh Atlantic climate were growing on him. He enjoyed the physical work, caring for the vegetable patches, which now required the planting of garlic, onion and leek, before the hard winter set in. He learned about late cabbages, kale and sprouts, and he also noticed that his body was becoming fitter and leaner. Instead of finding it hard to sleep at night, as he used to at home, by ten o’clock he willingly collapsed into bed.

  He had learned to be a better listener. He listened as members spoke about finding themselves, creating a new beginning, almost like a rebirth. They felt the commune offered them sanctuary, a place to reflect, to stay true to their individuality, which the world beyond the island didn’t support.

  Many said they regretted allowing themselves to be indoctrinated by mixed messages from outside, and that their minds had been manipulated for the gain of others, successful businessmen, bankers, corrupt governments. A lot of what they said made sense, which was partly why it was almost too easy to accept all the other bits. The utter devotion for the leader, Saka, for example, and the way members who were considered delicate spent so much time in their rooms. He knew there was an infirmary for anyone seriously ill, which was out of bounds to the likes of him. He had seen Sarah with the baby doll a few times. She’d seemed totally out of it. He’d noticed other things too. Members would turn up for chores, then wouldn’t appear again. When he asked about them, he was told they were doing the work of the commune elsewhere. He assumed they had gone back to the mainland, but it all led to a transient existence where, more often than not, although he was in a place filled with people, he found himself spending more and more time alone.

  Even though there was a lot of talk about the 20 Steps to Self-enlightenment Programme no one shared the steps with him. Most of what he knew, he had already learned from Aoife before he came. He’d heard talk about an oath of secrecy, when others thought he wasn’t within earshot, and a pathway to defined individuality, to embracing yourself, not the person others wanted you to be.