Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans

by Rush Limbaugh

  Freedom smiled and replied, “I’ve had lots of practice tracking animals with my grandfather.”

  Tommy walked over and touched Liberty on the back just to make sure he was real. “That is so cool how you can change like that,” Tommy said.

  Liberty smiled and said, “I think we need a name, you know, since we all know the secret. We could be the Four Musketeers! Or the Fantastic Four! Or the Four Amigos! Or—”

  Tommy started laughing and said, “Your horse cracks me up!”

  “Don’t encourage him,” I pleaded.

  “I like him, too,” said Freedom. “But he is more than a horse. He must be a spirit animal. There is an Indian legend about animals that can talk to humans.”

  I pondered the idea and replied, “I don’t know Liberty’s whole story. Even Liberty doesn’t know what happened exactly. Liberty, tell them what you remember the day you traveled to modern-day America.”

  Liberty cleared his throat and slowly began: “It was a dark and stormy night. . . .”

  “Liberty!’

  “Seriously, it was! I don’t remember the year but I do remember that in the evening we used only candles and lanterns. Oh, and I remember George Washington. Oh, and Paul Revere. His story is one of my favorites because who doesn’t love the fact that he was racing a horse to warn the Minutemen that the British were coming. I mean, if you ask me, the horse is the real hero.”

  I jumped in and said, “I’ve concluded that Liberty is originally from the revolutionary time period and lived during the Revolutionary War. His memory is spotty, but he has several strong memories during the 1770s. The Boston Tea Party, the ride of Paul Revere, the Battle of Bunker Hill, the public reading of the Declaration of Independence . . .”

  “And I specifically remember hearing that in 1775 Alexander Cummings invented the flushing toilet!” exclaimed Liberty.

  “I’ve never heard you mention that,” I said, surprised.

  “It just popped into my head,” Liberty replied.

  “But that doesn’t explain how Liberty ended up in modern-day America,” said Tommy.

  “Or the fact that he can talk and turn practically invisible,” Freedom added.

  “Yes, well, let me try to explain,” I said. “Liberty remembers a lightning storm—”

  Liberty butted in: “I’m not a big fan of lightning. Just the thought of it gives me the willies.”

  I continued: “It appears that lightning may have struck Liberty and created a supernatural phenomenon or a time portal that thrust him forward in time to our day. The electrical properties that charged through his body and the vortex that sent him to the future changed him physically and mentally. He can not only talk and disappear, but he’s also . . .” I paused, trying to formulate the right words.

  Freedom finished my sentence and said, “A time machine.”

  “What?” Tommy said, confused. “Did I miss something? Did you just say ‘time machine’?”

  “He’s more like a time portal,” I said, to clarify. “He has the ability to momentarily open a time door to anywhere in history. Well, more specifically, anything that touches American history.”

  Tommy started laughing. “Okay, this is a joke. I’m onto you. This is some reality TV show called ‘The Biggest Bozo Who Believes Anything,’ right? Where are the cameras?” Tommy started looking around the room. He then looked at Freedom and back at me; both of us were dead serious.

  “You believe this guy?” Tommy asked Freedom, sticking his thumb out at me.

  Freedom replied, “You’ve just seen and heard a talking horse who turned invisible, but you won’t believe he can travel through time?”

  “Hey, I might be crazy, but I’m not that crazy, okay?” Tommy said. He got up from his desk and started pacing the floor. He took off his baseball cap and combed his fingers through his blond hair. He sighed, “I have to think about this for a minute.”

  “We probably shouldn’t show them the other thing I can do, should we? I mean, he seems a little freaked out right now,” Liberty said.

  “No,” I said, firmly. I took a deep breath. “I need to finish our story. I believe the lightning created the time portal that brought Liberty to the modern day.”

  Tommy put his baseball cap back on and said, “Okay, okay. Maybe it is possible. I mean, I don’t think the lightning hit him directly. Technically, a direct hit would have killed him. But I guess there’s a possibility that several bolts could have simultaneously hit the ground around him, creating an electrostatic prism, and maybe the positive and negative charge carriers combined with the acoustic shock waves created some kind of time hole that sent Liberty to the future.”

  Freedom and I were stunned by Tommy’s explanation.

  “Aren’t you a football player?” Freedom said. “You’re never this smart in our other classes.”

  “Yeah, well, I really wouldn’t fit in with the other guys on the team if I admitted that I’m a science geek,” Tommy replied.

  I patted Tommy on the shoulder and said, “Exceptional thinking, Tommy. Now then, where was I, oh yes, when Liberty arrived in our time he appeared at the intersection of Washington Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue in front of that iced-tea factory. It was late at night and I was leaving the factory dressed as Paul Revere.”

  “Wait, you were dressed like Paul Revere? Like you are now?” asked Tommy.

  “Yes, that’s right,” I said. “I’d been hired as part of a promotional campaign. My Paul Revere self was printed on banners, billboards, buses, even on the side of bottles. It was rather embarrassing but it paid good money. Anyway, as I was saying, I was leaving the factory dressed as Paul Revere when I had the strangest feeling I was being followed.”

  Liberty was nearly trotting in place and excitedly said, “Oh, oh, oh, can I tell this part? I was so happy to see someone I recognized. Well, I mean, I’d never met Rush Revere before but I recognized his clothing. It was the only thing that felt like home. I first saw him on a billboard and then on the side of a bus. And when I saw him walking out of the iced-tea factory I was like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh! That’s him!’ But there were all these traffic lights and cars and horns and they sort of freaked me out because I’d never seen or heard any of these things before, so I was like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ I ran across the street, weaved my way through traffic, and nearly stopped when I smelled the heavenly scent coming from the peanut vendor, and I was like, ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’ It smelled so good! But I couldn’t stop because I didn’t want to lose sight of Rush Revere. I knew he could help me so I started following him.”

  “That’s right,” I said. “And after weaving my way through town for a couple of miles I realized that the strange horse, no offense, was not giving up. Of course, I was very curious why a horse without a rider would be following me. I decided to simply stop walking and wait for him to catch up.”

  “I’m glad you did, but if I were you there’s no way I would’ve stopped. I mean you might be a mugger or a zombie or even worse, a vacuum cleaner salesman!” Liberty said.

  I continued: “Anyway, I had to pinch myself several times when Liberty starting talking. And when we discovered he had the ability to open a time portal I was reluctant to jump through. Nevertheless, I did and it was the beginning of our adventures through history.”

  Tommy turned to Freedom and said, “You realize we can’t tell anyone about this. Seriously, Mr. Revere would get fired and, even worse, I’d probably get invited to join the Chess Club.”

  “What’s so bad about the Chess Club?” Freedom asked defensively.

  “Sorry I brought it up. It’s just that at a different school I was in a chess club. One word, boring! No competition. I pretty much wasted everybody. And then all these chess nerds followed me around like I was their king. No thank you.”

  “There’s no reason why anyone else needs to know about our secret of time travel,” I said. I turned to Freedom and asked, “I’m fairly certain you saw Liberty and me jump through the time portal earlier today, correct?”
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  Freedom nodded and said, “Yes, I did. At first I wasn’t sure what I saw. As I said, I thought Liberty must have been a spirit animal. Maybe you were a great shaman. I did not know. But I’m glad to know the truth.”

  “So, wait a minute,” Tommy said, “are you saying that when we saw you in the movie, you were actually time-traveling, literally?”

  “I know it’s hard to believe,” I said. “But as the saying goes, ‘seeing is believing.’ Liberty, I think it’s time for another history lesson. Tommy, are you ready to experience firsthand some American history?”

  Tommy looked at Freedom, then to Liberty, who nodded wildly, and then back to me. He finally said, “You mean, now? We can do that? I mean, of course I want to go. My football coach won’t be happy that I skipped practice, but,” Tommy said laughing, “I’ll just blame it on the new substitute history teacher. Oh, and I need to be home for dinner or my mom won’t be happy, either.”

  “No problem,” I said, “and, Freedom, how about you?”

  Freedom glanced at the clock on the wall and looked disappointed. “My grandfather will be here to pick me up any minute,” she said. “Can I go another time?”

  “Absolutely,” I said.

  “Thanks,” Freedom replied. “I better go. I’m sure my grandfather is waiting.” She grabbed her backpack and started for the door. She looked over her shoulder and said, “Bye, Mr. Revere; bye, Tommy; bye, Liberty.”

  Freedom stared intently at Liberty one last time. She winked and exited the classroom.

  “Did you just hear that?” Liberty asked.

  “Hear what?” Tommy questioned.

  “I heard Freedom’s voice echo in my head. She said, Don’t have too much fun without me, right before she left the classroom,” said Liberty.

  Fascinating, I thought.

  “Maybe you just imagined it,” said Tommy.

  “Help me rearrange these desks so Liberty has some running room,” I said.

  We quickly pushed the desks to the sides of the room. I climbed up onto Liberty’s saddle and invited Tommy to join me.

  “Where are we going?” Tommy asked, sounding a bit unsure.

  “The Mayflower, of course,” I said.

  “Uh, I’ve never been on a ship before,” Tommy said sheepishly.

  “Good to know,” I said. “If you feel yourself getting nauseous I have medicine for motion sickness. But I don’t want to give it to you unless you really need it.”

  Tommy said, “Let’s hope I don’t need it.”

  “Before I have you get on Liberty, I want you to watch what’s going to happen. Liberty will open a literal time portal right here in this classroom. He and I will jump through first. We’ll find you some seventeenth-century clothing and then return for you.”

  “What? You don’t think people in 1620 are wearing blue jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt that says ‘Manchester Football’?” Tommy winked.

  I smiled back and said, “I happen to know that American football wasn’t started until 1879, so the answer would be no.”

  “We’ll be back in a flash!” Liberty said.

  Tommy looked doubtful. “So, I should just sit down and watch this? What exactly is going to happen? Is lightning involved? I mean, that’s how it happened the first time, right?”

  “It’s a bit hard to explain,” I said. “That’s why I want you to sit this one out and just watch.”

  “Can we get you anything while we’re gone? Something to snack on. A beverage, perhaps?” Liberty asked.

  Tommy plopped down at a random desk along the side of the room, grabbed his backpack, and pulled out a Snickers bar. “I’m good. I’ll just sit here and play WordSlammaJamma on my phone. Just before class I got my highest score, 126 points with the word quillback.”

  “What’s a quillback? Some kind of porcupine?” Liberty asked.

  “No, it’s a fish. A carpsucker, actually. Pretty common in lakes on the east coast. They’re easy to spot because one ray of their dorsal fin is longer than . . . oh, sorry, sometimes my inner nerd comes out,” Tommy said, apologetically. He took a bite of his candy bar. “So, how long is this trip of yours going to take?”

  “You’d be surprised what can happen with a time-traveling horse,” I said, winking. “Let’s go, Liberty.”

  As Liberty started galloping he said, “Rush, rush, rushing to history!”

  The time portal started to open. Tommy watched as a circular pattern of gold and purple swirled in the center of the classroom and quickly expanded until it was the size of a large satellite dish. Liberty jumped through the center and disappeared. A second later the portal closed. Tommy was still chewing his first bite of Snickers when the time portal reopened and Liberty jumped back into the classroom.

  “Cool!” Tommy said as he jumped out of his seat. “That was whacked-out! The portal thingy! I saw it! There were these swirling colors and then you jumped through and vanished. That was crazy! Seriously, I saw it but I still don’t believe it. Wait, why are you back so soon? Did you forget something?” Tommy asked, confused.

  “We’re finished. We have your clothes,” I said, pulling my traveling bag over my shoulder and tossing it on the floor near the desk Tommy was sitting at.

  “And we brought you back a freshly baked carp pie,” said Liberty.

  “You got me a what?” Tommy asked.

  “A carp pie,” Liberty clarified. “You know, like a meat pie, but with fish. You seemed so excited about the word quillback that I thought you would enjoy eating it. It looks delicious, I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing. Personally, I’m a vegetarian, but the cook seasoned it with pepper and salt and nutmeg and then baked it with raisins, lemon juice, and slices of orange peels with just a sprinkle of vinegar, and voilà!”

  I opened the lid of the serving tray to show Tommy the seventeenth-century dish. He swallowed his bite of candy bar and looked at the fish like it was an alien artifact from Mars.

  “How is this possible? You weren’t gone for more than five seconds,” Tommy managed to say.

  “Well, it actually took us closer to an hour,” I said. “We had to visit two different clothiers to find all the items I was looking for. I hope it all fits. And then Liberty was absolutely set on getting you this carp pie. I must admit, it was very thoughtful of him.”

  I covered the fish with the lid and Tommy took the tray, not really knowing what to do with it.

  I said, “When it was time to come back to the modern day, Liberty returned to the present at the same time we’d left, give or take a few seconds.”

  “I told you we’d be back in a flash,” Liberty said, smiling.

  “You can do that?” Tommy asked. “I mean, I guess you can because you did. Sorry, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that time travel is even possible.”

  “Don’t think about it too much,” I said. “Why don’t you take the bag, slip down to the bathroom, and change. When you get back, we’ll all jump through the time portal and begin our voyage on the Mayflower.”

  “Um, okay, sure. Sounds good to me,” Tommy said. “Oh, and thanks for the fish. Not much time to eat it now. Maybe I can just leave it in the classroom and then when we return back to the present in a ‘few seconds’ it should still be warm, right?”

  “You catch on fast,” I said.

  Tommy set the tray on the teacher’s desk, grabbed the bag of clothes, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later looking like a seventeenth-century Pilgrim boy. He wore a short-sleeved, off-white linen shirt with a collar. Over that he wore a blue doublet that buttoned down in the front. In addition, he wore green baggy breeches, yellow stockings, leather shoes, and instead of his red baseball cap he wore a brown wide-brimmed hat. Tommy handed me the bag with his modern-day clothes, pointed to what he was now wearing, and said, “I assume you intended me to wear these clothes, right? There was a dress in the bag, too, but it really wasn’t my style.”

  I chuckled. “I forgot about
that. Yes, I purchased a dress for Freedom. I thought she might need it the next time we time-jump.” I slipped the bag into a bottom drawer in the teacher’s desk.

  Tommy lifted his heel out of his shoe and put it back again. “For the record, these shoes need some padded insoles. And these pants, what are they called again?”

  “Breeches,” I said.

  “Yeah, these breeches are really itchy.”

  “Well, you look great!” I said from on top of Liberty’s saddle. “Now jump up behind me.”

  Tommy seemed unsure of what to do and said, “I’ve never been on a horse before.”

  “No worries,” I said, “we’ll make this easy. Liberty, walk over to the teacher’s desk so Tommy can climb on from there.”

  When Tommy was sitting behind me I said, “Hold on to the saddle. Liberty is a smooth jumper and he’s getting better at where he lands, but just in case. . . .”

  “For the record,” Liberty defended, “I’ve been one hundred percent accurate since we accidentally landed in Boston Harbor.”

  “Let’s not forget the Civil War battlefield,” I reminded him.

  “Well, it’s hard to forget when you keep bringing it up. Back then I was a novice, but I think I’ve come a long way, not to mention that I did save you from that cannonball.”

  “What cannonball?” Tommy asked, curiously.

  “A story for another time,” I said. “Liberty, we need to land undetected on the Mayflower.”

  “Got it!” said Liberty as he galloped forward. “Rush, rush, rushing to history!”

  The time portal opened just as it did moments earlier. As clearly as possible, I pronounced each word, “September sixth, 1620, Plymouth, England, the launching of the Mayflower.” I had found that giving the exact date, location, and name of the historical event helped Liberty get us to where we needed to be.

  The sensation of jumping through time was always the same. A rush of air sent goose bumps all over my body, the hair on my arms stood on end, and for a split second it felt like it does when you’re swinging backward on a swing set. Yes, backward, probably because we were heading backward in time. The sensation happened only when we were airborne and passing through the portal. Once we landed, the feeling was gone.