Loveland

by Andrea Downing

  “For a while. I have to. There was something in the letter from Oliver I have to tend to, and of course David has begged me to return to see Frederic before he dies—if he dies, or if he is still alive. Whichever.”

  “When?”

  “I-I don’t know. Soon.”

  “You don’t know or you won’t say?” He rolled over and looked at the bedroom, suddenly aware it was too neat and uncluttered. “When, Alex?” He turned back to her. “Tell me, dammit!”

  “Soon.” She kissed him, brushing his lips and then pulling his head down to hers. “Soon.”

  In the chill of morning, when the punchers had ridden out, Tom called for them with the buggy. Wilson, trying to be stalwart, and holding back tears, loaded the rig and stood aside. Alex held a box she had tied with a pink ribbon and handed it to Tom. “For Sue Ann,” she said.

  “Is that the dress?” Tom asked. Alex nodded. “But you’ll be back to wear it for your twenty-first.”

  “I’ll come back with other dresses, new dresses, and we’ll have a huge party again.” She smiled and her eyes scanned Tom as if she were trying to memorize his face. “And you’ll give this to Jesse,” she said handing him an envelope.

  “I will. Of course I will. But he’ll be mad as all get-out. So will Annie and the rest of them.”

  “I can’t say good-bye. Anyway, it isn’t good-bye. I’ll be back.”

  “I know that. I want to do that in loco parentis business. Can I get you to eat beef once and for all?”

  Alex laughed a bit. “Well, mebbe.”

  Tom helped the two women into the buggy and the three rode in silence to the station through the morning light. Mist had settled on the river and the wet grass sparkled like a green carpet with jewels thrown across it. Alex looked up to see a hawk gliding on an air current and looking for prey. She thought perhaps one day she would start painting animals and birds rather than people, landscapes before they disappeared forever.

  On the platform she turned to Tom and said, “I’ll be in New York a few days, of course, to settle matters there. Don’t forget what I said.”

  “Alex, I—well, Annie and I, we can’t thank you enough...”

  “Don’t say anything more, Tom. I don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t know what I would have done all these years without the two of you.”

  “Yes, but this is different.”

  “Oh, no, oh no, it’s not.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then followed Rose onto the train.

  ****

  3 April 1887

  My darling Jesse,

  Please forgive me. Goodbyes are just too torturous, and the thought of not seeing you for so many months is far more than I can bear. It is not so much I need to see Frederic before he passes, but I need to know my story, if there is anything more to know. Oliver said there are possessions of my mother’s at Bayfordbury and he believes Frederic prevented me from getting an inheritance, which was rightfully mine. David, of course, was only seven at the time of her death so would probably not know much, but he may help unravel the mystery at least.

  Jesse, I can’t tell you what this is doing to me, to be separated from you like this, but at least I know when I get back we shall never be separated again—I promise. Please write as often as you can, as shall I. If you find someone else, if you decide you don’t love me, just write to say so. I wouldn’t be able to bear not knowing, not hearing from you. These last months until the winter were the happiest of my life. You have given me so much. I only hope I can someday give back something in return.

  I will wear the bracelet always. I will love you forever. I am,

  Your Alex

  Part Two: 1889

  Nineteen

  Sky.

  Space.

  From the train window Alex could see the bare breadth of earth and air that always affected a sense of wonder in her. That so much land could be so vacant was a fascination, that it could be so unending, that the sky could wrap itself around the earth like the curtain in a theatre giving the expectation of action absorbed Alex completely, yet within sight nothing but the grass and the clouds moved. Like dancers caught in a ritual, the grass swayed in the constant wind and the clouds scudded, sailing on above more prairies, more land, more open space. And the colors—so different from the deep greens and rich blue of England. Here the colors were so neutral as if the Maker Himself feared to offend by drawing from a palette too vibrant. Here were tones that pulled the earth into a pale chiaroscuro against the mottled blue sky. The Plains seemed endless, as if no habitation would ever appear on this blank canvas.

  Yet she knew it would. She knew what lay ahead. Craning her neck to see further, she couldn’t tell whether those were mountains or clouds in the distance, couldn’t tell where the next town lay, but she knew they would appear. She would be home soon. And while life wasn’t going to be easy—nothing worth having ever was.

  ****

  Alex saw him as the train pulled in. Standing with his thumbs in his belt, his hat tilted back, he watched as the cars ran past him. He looked the same to her in that fleeting glimpse, older maybe, very slightly thinner maybe, but the same. She gathered her things, took the porter’s proffered hand to step down off the train and turned to face Jesse Makepeace at the far end of the platform.

  It was obvious from his stunned expression he hadn’t expected her, that in fact she was the last person he had expected to see step off the train on that breezy May morning. As she walked toward him, his expression changed slightly and he moved his arms as if he might embrace her. Then, without thinking almost, her hand rose and she used her full strength to slap him across the face.

  Both of Jesse’s hands went to his cheek in stunned disbelief. His face reddened as anger rose. “What in the hell…what was that for?” He stared at her as if he still couldn’t comprehend it was Alex.

  “That was for deserting me,” she said hoarsely, barely above a whisper, “that was for stopping writing, for leaving me when I needed you most. That was for not having the guts to tell me you didn’t love me anymore.” She breathed heavily for a few seconds. “Now take me home.” She walked past him and turned back to look at him, challenging.

  He stood there for a moment uncertainly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the one who stopped writing. I wrote three dang letters you never answered, three of them, Alex, the last one only a couple of months ago. I got two letters from you asking me to write but I was writing all the time.” He stopped and looked at her to try to ascertain if she was taking this in. “Where’s the new owner?” he asked suddenly remembering why he had come.

  “I’m the new owner,” she replied. “Now take me home.”

  Jesse stood with his hands on his hips, his eyes narrowed in disbelief. “You’re the new owner,” he echoed. “You’re the new owner? You bought up the major shares an’ all? Tom sure as hell was keepin’ that one a secret!” His anger rose as he tried to make sense of it all.

  “Tom sent you?”

  “Who the hell you think sent me? I sure as heck didn’t just come here on my own. You didn’t let me know you were comin’!”

  “No, I don’t suppose….” She stopped and went to get her bags and bring the conversation to an end.

  “Oh, for goodness sake, Alex—or should I call you Lady Alex now, seein’ as how—”

  “You can call me whatever you goddamn please, I really don’t care. Just take me back to the ranch, or send someone else, whichever you’re more comfortable with.”

  “You gonna sit here for four hours while I sort that?”

  “If I must!”

  “Get in.” He held out his hand.

  Alex pulled herself up into the buggy on her own and sat staring straight ahead while Jesse picked up the rest of her bags and got in beside her.

  “You’re the new owner, huh?” She nodded. “Well, I quit!”

  ****

  They rode in silence for the two hours, the only movement from Alex being when she rem
oved her hat and shoes, and then pulled the shoes back on as they approached the house. They were both greatly relieved to see Tom there waiting, although from Jesse’s reaction Tom wouldn’t have known it.

  Jesse got down and grabbed some bags to storm into the house with Wilson trailing behind with more. He didn’t say a word to Tom, who embraced Alex and held her at arm’s length to look at her.

  “Well, ain’t you a sight?” Tom gave her a gentle squeeze before letting go.

  “What’s left of me.” Alex looped her arm through Tom’s and they walked a bit down the path to the front. Alex stopped to greet Rackham and Rose, who had returned to the ranch some months earlier.

  Wilson came back out with Jesse, who walked by and went off to take the rig away. “It’s so good to see you, M’Lady,” Wilson said. “So very good.”

  Alex smiled, then turned back to Tom. “I understand you haven’t told anyone.”

  “No, thought it would be our little surprise.”

  “Right.” Alex mused on this for a moment. “I’ll come down while they’re all in for dinner then. And I’ll see Annie tomorrow.”

  ****

  Jesse banged open the door to the ranch office and marched right in. He planted himself in front of Tom’s desk as the other looked up, but there was a moment before he spoke.

  “That was some dang trick you pulled on me, Tom. You mighta told me it was Alex. Leastways I’da been prepared.”

  Tom pushed some papers aside. “I thought the two of you would see each other and just sort of—”

  “Sorta fall into each other’s arms? Just sorta pick up right where we left off, as if no time at all had passed, as if she hadn’ta stopped writin’—is that what you were thinkin’? You know what that woman did to me, Tom? She laid off and hit me, right across the face. Woman hates my guts. Says I didn’t write her for the last year.”

  “Oh, now, Jesse, she didn’t mean anything by it. You know Alex—act first, think later.”

  “Yeah, well I’m thinkin’ now and what I’m thinkin’ is, I’m givin’ you notice. I quit. I can’t stay on with her. It just ain’t goin’ to work.”

  “Hang on now, Jesse.” The older man looked up. “You can’t do that,” he said.

  “Well, you tell me why not. Just give me one damn good reason for me to stay. You know what it’s gonna be like tryin’ to work with her, to see her every day?”

  “I guess it isn’t going to be easy for either of you right now. But you can’t just up and quit, Jess. She needs you, and she needs you now more ’an ever.”

  “Needs me? Needs me?” Jesse snorted. “That woman ain’t never needed no one. That woman is more self-sufficient than any dang puncher I ever knowed, even if she can’t boil water to save her soul.”

  Tom was ever one to find a way out of a sticky situation and negotiate a resolution quickly. Jesse paced the length of the office a few times waiting to see what Tom would come up with.

  Tom said quietly, “You can’t go, Jess. I need you as foreman. Alex isn’t going to manage. I could give you a dozen good reasons to stay but—”

  “Well, give me one then, just give me one reason I shouldn’t walk off this ranch right here, right now, this minute.”

  “Because it’s Alex as been keeping this ranch afloat, Jess. It’s Alex who’s been payin’ our wages, puttin’ food on our tables. And it was Alex who paid off Calthorpe’s debts so the ranch wouldn’t go bust. The shareholders could have been held accountable for his spending on the ranch, and if they refused to pay—which they surely would have—the operation would’ve been shut down. You know he took money from the ranch accounts, you know what Higgins said.”

  Jesse stared at him, feeling like a trapped animal. Alex had never told him this. The Yosts had never spoken of what Alex was doing.

  “After the funeral, Alex went into town and settled matters with both the bank and the attorney. Annie and I woulda been out on the road there without a home if it hadn’ta been for Alex. Calthorpe had so much debt, everything he owned was to be sold off—you know that. Alex took all that money from her paintings and transferred it to me to pay off Calthorpe’s accounts and told Higgins to sell off whatever he could to clear the debts and keep the house. She also sold her jewelry—the diamonds Calthorpe gave her for her birthday—while in New York, and wired the money back. Then she went ahead and sold some property or other Calthorpe had in London she’d inherited and wired that money back. Every last dime she had, every cent she could lay her hands on, she put into this ranch. That’s why you can’t leave.”

  For a while the only sound was the squeak of the door in the wind. “Dang door,” said Tom, “keep meaning to get some oil and fix that.” He got up and slammed it shut. Jesse had still not spoken. “She’s had a real bad time, Jess.” He seated himself again behind the desk. “You can’t just leave her now.” He waited but still Jesse had not spoken. “Her brother signed over all the shares to her—said it was the inheritance she should of gotten from her mama. That’s how come she’s got them ’cause she sure as heck don’t have the money to buy them.” He let this sink in for a bit. “Anyway, truth be told, I don’t even think she’d take your resignation. I tell you what, if you really feel this way, if you really want out, you go see Alex. If she takes your resignation, then fine, I’ll accept it. Well, where in hell you gonna go anyway?”

  “I’ve had offers,” Jesse said at last. “You know that. Up in Wyoming and Montana.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  “Change might do me good.” Jesse looked out the window. His friends, men he had worked with for years, were riding in or saddling up, changing shifts. His heart wasn’t in leaving, that was for sure.

  Tom took a deep breath. “Well, you go see Alex. If she accepts your notice, fine, go if that’s what you want. But I’m sitting here telling you this thing is gonna work itself out between the two of you. I don’t know what happened, who wrote what or when or what the hell went on, but I can tell you sure as hell that woman needs you. She’s just had a real bad time of it, Jesse. Let her settle.”

  “Oh, when the heck hasn’t Alex had a real bad time? Bad times just follow her aroun’.”

  Tom rubbed his forehead. “Well, that may be true but I can’t rightly say any of ’em has been her fault—not her birth, not her parents, not her marriage, and not anything that followed. Been a complete mystery to me how Faringdon could blame her for killin’ her mama that way—beyond my understanding. And, as for Calthorpe, denying her…”

  Jesse yanked the door open and slammed it as he left. In his heart he knew he could never leave Alex. The guilt he had always felt for laying with her was too much. He didn’t regret it, not for one moment, but he couldn’t put it behind him either. He had wanted her then, and he wanted her now. For just over two years, he had waited for her, waited for her letters, waited for news of her, waited for her return. He had felt the loss of her so keenly, felt the ache of her departure with such force, he had hardly known himself.

  And now she was back.

  ****

  Alex heard the hum of the men’s voices in the chuck house as she came over, still dressed in her traveling clothes. There was Joe’s smoky voice saying something about Ranger acting up and kicking his stall, and Reb’s southern drawl telling some story or other. Then there was Tom calling for them to hush up and behave because the new major shareholder was on the way, and it was then she swung open the door.

  Tom stood at the front with Jesse, who leaned back against the wall in that way he had. Cal sat over on a windowsill, the light behind him, having been talking with some new men up at the front. The room went dead silent, then the old hands started hollering and clamoring, and banging the tin plates. Alex could hardly make her way to the front for hands reaching to shake hers, have a few words with her, but at last she stood beside Tom, who waved his hands to quiet them all.

  Cal started to say something but one of the new men in the front said, “Heck, we gonna be bossed by a me
re slip of a gal?” Before anyone else knew what was happening, there was screeching of chairs and benches and five other men surrounded the puncher.

  Alex looked on steadily but it was Tom who said, “Settle down now, settle down.”

  Jesse still hadn’t moved.

  “I guess I still have some friends in Colorado,” Alex said barely audibly, but staring the man down. “Of course if anyone isn’t happy working for me, you can see Tom or Jesse, and take your wages and go.” She waited.

  “Ah heck, Ladilex,” came a familiar voice. “I’ll work twice as hard for you as I would for anyone else.”

  Alex smiled over at Cal. “I don’t plan on any changes here. Tom is still manager and…Jesse is still foreman. So I’ll hope to see you all much as usual.” She nodded and started to go, the emotion suddenly becoming too much. Then she thought of something and smiled a bit. “Of course I do expect you to put cowbells on all the herd and wear pink ribbons on your hats,” she jested as she closed the door.

  Standing there a moment she heard Tom say, “Don’t you even think about it, Cal Jenks. Don’t you dare!”

  Then there was laughter.

  ****

  Standing in her study the next morning at the house, there was a knot in her stomach when she heard Wilson tell Jesse he would announce him—and Jesse’s spurs ringing down the hallway as he shoved Wilson aside.

  “It’s all right, Wilson.” She barely looked over as the door opened. “Mr. Makepeace can come in.”

  They faced each other across the room, Jesse noting how frail Alex looked, how her Levis and shirt hung on her, how gaunt her face had become. He hesitated for a moment but there was no point in delaying. Alex sat in the big chair that had been her father’s, and leaned back, her hands clasped in front of her.