Sunshine State

by Sarah Gerard

  Now my rabbit lives in a box along with our winter coats. Each year when the weather turns cold, she comes tumbling out in a ball of familiar scent. I hug her close: my neck still knows the way her arms wrap around it; my right cheek knows the feeling of hers, soft against my own. I look into her neutral expression, which has turned downward over the years, and I think of all those nights drifting off in my childhood bed. Then I put her back in the box, out of sight, not forgotten.

  Before: An Inventory

  Written on the occasion of turning thirty.

  June, my birthday.

  Botanic Garden bees in the roses, white dog at the in-laws’, roaches in my apartment—Brooklyn, goldfish at my parents’ house—Largo, cats pissing in the laundry, lizards on the porch (looking weathered), jays in the roses, Sunken Gardens kookaburra, cockatoo, flamingo, stray dogs on the freeway off-ramp.

  May.

  Entering Florida.

  Road trip.

  Reverse west /

  Grackles on the power lines—Austin, emu on the roadside—Marfa, vultures (white-tipped wings) in the headlights, bats on the highway, lambs in truck beds, horses grazing in New Mexico, grazing milk cows in Tucson—and on and on the bluebells.

  Up the coast /

  Molting-season elephant seals, elk in the redwoods, sapphire jay at the general store, snails on the rocks in Seattle, alien mouths of barnacles, starfish, sea anemones, rumors of black whales on black rock beaches, sexually frustrated cat in Tacoma licking itself on the bookstore floor.

  Reverse east /

  Bison in Wind Cave (forest fire), ibex at Rushmore, gray Great Dane (named Zeus)—the Twin Cities, hawks over Iowa soy fields, Lab at the Hunts’ house, beetles mating on the neck-high corn, farm with alpacas (long-haired and matted), white bunny kept to the rug—Chicago.

  Flight /

  Mexican cows crossing the roadway, rescued dogs in the host’s house—San Miguel, strays in the brick door frames, donkeys hauling tequila to a wedding, lichen on the ruins, legend of rose quartz deep beneath the city—Didn’t we see this white dog yesterday?

  Home (New York) /

  Cat’s paws in my purse on the scent of—, white dogs (two now) at the in-laws’, turkeys in the yard on Valentine’s, January snowstorm and a black cat in Whitney’s Brooklyn kitchen (dinner), one-eyed cat on a new friend’s new roof (Brooklyn, New Year’s).

  Fall, driving.

  Pennsylvania gas station (hunting collage), milk cows pissing in their drinking pond, flies on cows’ noses, flies in their eyes, cats (coddled) in the Flores apartment, truck stop (barbed wire) horses, trucks of chickens, prairie dogs’ calls (high and clear), broken sun rays through the mountains leaving Denver.

  Fly on my cupcake—Silver Lake, cocker spaniel at a candlelit backyard party, cats on a pepper farm chewing fleas, wood-colored moths on the farmhouse, pit bulls licking our hands through fence slats, sexually frustrated cat in Los Feliz humping my husband’s shoes, skinny palm trees reaching for more of that.

  July Fourth.

  Maltese sitting in Fort Greene (fireworks), mutt in the entrance sniffing our knees, bedbugs in the box springs, Botanic Garden dragonflies, bees in the roses, koi in the moss pond, inchworm in the super’s flowers, colonies of blue wasps at the windows, sparrows on the sidewalk eating day-old bread left out by the neighbors.

  June, my birthday.

  White dogs on the carpet, wasps at my parents’ windows, ants in the bathroom, maggots in the toothpicks, orb weavers in the orchids on the back porch (just refinished), crabs coming up (tiny ripples) from the mangrove mud, warnings of warm-water sharks at nighttime—Don’t go swimming naked in the dark.

  Infant at the ex’s (Asheville), black Lab at the hidden river (Bat Cave), ticks at the waterfall, horses at the general store, Chihuahua in Emily’s lap at the Brooklyn Flea, new white dog at the in-laws’ keeping the old one company as it dies, wall of vines in my neighborhood hiding nests.

  January,

  a wanted but untimely arrival:

  a new human animal.

  Dying white dog at the in-laws’,

  Christmas.

  Polo in the Hamptons—late summer, clams in the inlet, mussels in a net sack, snakes at the Pollock House—late-night, knee-high grass (rumors of leeches), mud in our cutoffs, ticks in our socks, belly-up under stars (stoned) on the concrete: See that constellation? Andromeda the Insolent.

  Brooklyn Botanic Garden (birthday), bees in the roses, koi in the moss pond, bunny (Easter) at the bookstore (Shakespeare), kittens clawing on the Wileys’ new carpet, Los Angeles hummingbird drinking sugar from the feeder, moving on to bougainvillea—Where do flies go in January?

  Killing flies (worn copy of On Being Blue) in the kitchen—Brooklyn, goats at the bookstore story hour, grandfather’s death (cancer, late summer)—robin chicks at the front door, deer stalking the yard like reapers, pulling at grass, awaiting his departure—deer in the headlights in Montauk (our first anniversary).

  Fourth of July.

  San Diego boardwalk vendor hocking parrots, hummingbirds in the cacti flowers—Sedona, sand fleas (half covered) in the mud—Florida, butterfly on my father’s shirt at my graduation, bees on knotweed’s purple blossoms, and an old mastiff (asleep) in an East Williamsburg storefront.

  Winter (our first apartment).

  Mouse in the linen, roaches in the garbage, flies on the ceiling, feet of our neighbors, new husband’s old friends’ old house cat, vegan beagle (named Lady), hog on a leash—Central Park, turkey at the in-laws’, in-laws’ dying green bird (its broken legs), wedding that summer in the Van Nuys courthouse.

  Sexually frustrated cat in Los Feliz humping my lover’s shoes, lone cormorant (contemplating waves) on the Malibu beach (magic hour), coquinas in the sunset sand, beer on the Venice boardwalk (our vows in a bottle), Mojave Desert—pissing on cacti, black and white sheep on the road to California. Where do the birds go when it blizzards?

  White dog (deaf) at my lover’s house, dogs at the bookstore,

  (walking, a new city) Chinatown fish in milky windows,

  driving the U-Haul trailer up I-95 with my boyfriend

  (for the moment) (truck stop fuck, mosquitoes),

  sick duck on the day we’re leaving:

  Call the seabird sanctuary.

  Bunny in a hoarder’s house, rescued red-eared slider in the street, spiders at the kids’ museum, opossum on the road stunned and blinking, puppy in a cardboard box in Ginnie Springs, snakes in a bucket, pelicans at the pier, fishermen throwing guts up to the gulls, pug at the lover’s house, mix at the boyfriend’s mother’s house, rat in the classroom, and a hawk in the school yard with the children.

  Worms in the bus circle, bees in the class garden, butterflies at the art museum (field trip), Florida Aquarium—rays in the touch tank, anemones, seahorses, state fair monkey posing for photos, goldfish in a sandwich bag, husk of a horseshoe crab, cat in my one-room apartment, termites’ wings on my face upon waking (that give in the floor, the smell of compost), and the next-door beagle—Lonelier than his owner.

  Alligator with her young in her mouth, bird railing against the window with blood on its beak.

  New school year.

  Orange cat at my parents’ house replacing the dead one,

  striped cat I abandoned to live with my parents,

  abandoned (overdose) pit bull next-door,

  chickens at my boyfriend’s parents’,

  black runt cat beneath the porch,

  giraffe (onyx-eyed) at the zoo.

  Return to Florida.

  Mixed-breed (road dog) in a hobo camp—the Allegheny River,

  stray cats in a squat house (shit on the floor)—Pittsburgh,

  spiders in the sliding glass doors of a stranger’s home,

  (follow trails of fairy houses toward the cliffs),

  mangled-tailed cat in Maine for the summer,

  boxer puppies (sleepy-eyed) in a closet.

  Run away.

  Boyfriend
’s black-and-white mix—confined to a crate, poodle on Atlantic Beach (cramming for finals), owl on my parents’ back porch (home for summer), strays in Athens, crabs on Crete, lover’s black-and-white mix (and his girlfriend’s Chihuahua), two orange cats sniffing the fish, Kelly running horses at the stables, counting rats in the New York subway (my first time).

  Snails on the neighbor’s dock that final summer, Asia’s sugar glider in the sheets (her first apartment), Miles’s iguanas in tanks (by the bongs), looming campsite banana spiders, Bonnie’s black Lab’s fur on the couch at Thanksgiving, gnats in the wet heat, swans on the restaurant pond on Sundays, cats at the SPCA (community service), saving kittens from a crack house (skipping seventh period).

  Sugar glider down a shirt in the school cafeteria, crickets in the Petland sold to feed the lizards, fish, parrots, bunnies, turtle from a roadside vendor, goldfish in a plastic bag—Florida State Fair, pit bull (heard us fucking) at Danny’s mother’s, asthmatic cat at the weed dealer’s, Asia’s six cats eating organic chicken (she prepares), roaches in the kitchen of the coffee shop after school.

  Trail ride through Yosemite mountains, herons on Alcatraz, puffins off the coast, yellow Lab loose again from the neighbor’s, chocolate Lab loose again in our crotons, mutts dragging leaves through the back door (Stephanie’s), naked conch sucking our wet palms (slime on our fingers), freshman science class slicing earthworms, leathery backs of guitarfish circling the tank—Florida Aquarium.

  Milking cows on a farm—Ohio, crushed lizard (regret) beneath my bike tire, lizard beneath my palm on the back porch, tree frog at my father’s office, ants (making houses) on the sidewalk, rat rotting in the leaky ceiling, black-and-white blind guinea pig at Amanda’s house, ducks in the backyard, frozen cats in the science lab drawers, pinning open earthworm hearts, dead lizards (dried up) in our closets.

  Barnacles on the neighbor’s dock,

  parrot on the pool deck (next door),

  new orange cat (replacing the lost one),

  geese in the cemetery pond (where I’m alone),

  spiders on the river-rock porch of our new home.

  New school, new friend’s

  bunny hutches, tank of seahorses,

  gooseberry jellies (don’t touch) on the beach,

  cat in the Christmas tree, gray-and-white cat at Dené’s,

  classroom guinea pig, collie, and a bichon show in Cleveland.

  Chow (cracked tooth) at my neighbor’s house, koi in the churchyard, puppy (rescued) in a backyard pool, fish egg clusters at the babysitter’s, four angry dogs behind chain-link, broken monarch wing on the playground at recess, skinny black garden snake stiff on the sidewalk, new white-and-tan hamster (replacing the dead one) in a cage in the garage, playing fetch with a new tabby kitten named Skittles.

  Iguanas at the sitter’s (keep dying), Polaroid of a half dog (back half) (alligator) in the backyard, white Sunday school hamster with red eyes, elephant at the Renaissance fair, lizard dropped into the AC unit (that noise) on the side of the house, lizard with three tails in Katie’s backyard on Britton Street, six basset hounds barking in the yard behind, five cats slinking around in the garage.

  Lizard eggs in the babysitter’s back fence, toads hiding in a live oak in the school yard, wasp (finger stung) in the neighbor’s sunflower, alligator in a retention ditch between houses, bags of mosquito larvae passed off as minnows, bags of potato chips emptied onto the front lawn (attracting gulls), bees in the monkey bars after school, carpenter ants in a vial in the fridge, raccoon babies in the hollow tree in the backyard.

  Goats at the petting zoo eating carrots, fiddler crabs in the mangrove tangle (languid summers), white Persian cat in a cardboard box (coming home from school), mossy rocks with earthworms slithering underneath, lizard in a jewelry box with a twirling ballerina, yellow jackets at the swing set (ice cream), wasps in a muddy nest on the front porch, litter of white mice at the house on Britton Street.

  Chipmunks in my grandma’s geraniums, bunny in the bushes darting away, grubs buried deep in the wet earth of the school yard, silkworms dangling from the mulberry tree, black-and-white caterpillar on a finger, brown dog by the fence at the edge of the playground, sand dollars at the beach and the stingray shuffle, cockatiel named Buddy at my father’s office.

  Flying roach in my bathroom (pink),

  ducklings at the sitter’s (Genevieve, ancient),

  falling asleep on the rug to MacGyver, the taste of licorice,

  and the lizard she tossed out into water just to watch it wriggle.

  Pony at the preschool (picture day), chiggers in the moss, soapberry bugs on the rain tree, chickens in a yard. Cats at the house on Britton Street, finches in a cage, egrets on the lawn eating hot dogs, blind pug at Thanksgiving.

  Slugs (dried up) on the sidewalk, snails in the grass, birds in a nest in the rain tree, white Persian cat. Cats in a house on Maple Street, skunk in a garage, little brown dog at a pool party, fat locusts in the yard.

  Fireflies in Cleveland in the summer, mosquitoes in the spring, black-and-white dog at the neighbor’s house, a feral cat (our first, Phoenix).

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you first to my husband, David Formentin, for his infinite support and patience, and to my family for the same. To Erin Wicks and Adriann Ranta, for without them this book would not even be a concept. Rachel Hurn and Amy Gall, my trusted first readers. Cal Morgan, for taking a chance on me. To all who trusted me with their stories, and to all who helped me research and write them.

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