Once an Outlaw

by Raine Cantrell

  “Pa didn’t know that. Marty’s pa knew less. We were here maybe three or four days when Pa found color up in a blind canyon a ways back. They all went lookin’ for gold. Marty an’ me took PeeWee downstream. This storm come up. Ain’t seen nuthin’ like it. We got real scared an’ hid under a rock shelf. That rain an’ thunder jus’ kept comin’. The sky got all black then lit up jus’ like back home when they got fireworks.”

  Shaking his head, Kenny repeated, “Ain’t seen nuthin’ like it. We stayed hid for hours. I dunno. Sudden as it come it was gone, but it was real dark by then. No one come callin’ us so we stayed where we was till mornin’.”

  Logan gave in to the impulse and took hold of Kenny’s hand. “You don’t need to say more. Your folks were caught in that blind canyon when the water rose, and they couldn’t get out.”

  Kenny left his hand within Logan’s larger and stronger one. He looked away. “Weren’t easy to bury ’em.” He sniffed and wiped the back of his hand back and forth under his nose, grateful that Logan didn’t say anything about his sniffling.

  A few minutes later Logan murmured, “A man who can’t feel sorrow when he loses those he loves ain’t much of a man to my way of thinking. Nothing at all to be ashamed of. I wasn’t much older than you when my pa died. I was lucky to still have my mother, folks so close they could have been family. There we were, my brothers and me, all sneaking off to grieve on our own, crying, too. Till one time we come upon Santo—he was real close to my pa—and there he was brushing down Pa’s horse, talkin’ and cryin’ over how much he missed him.

  “Learned a lesson that day from a man I respected. We all did, come to think about it. Santo wasn’t any less of a man in our eyes for having such deep feelings and not being afraid to show them. But I’ll bet it’s a hard thing to do when you’re trying to be strong for someone else. Someone little, who needs so much.”

  “’Tain’t fair,” Kenny mumbled, enticed to confide his feelings by the soft, understanding way that Logan spoke.

  “Life ain’t fair, son. A hard lesson to learn and one that stays with a man. But my problem and your troubles could have a way of working themselves out together. All I need is your word that you’ll try.”

  Kenny pulled his hand free of Logan’s. He turned to look at him, then, still holding Logan’s gaze, yelled, “Marty, stop hangin’ back! You come sit an’ hear this. Ain’t doin’ no decidin’ without you.”

  “Aw, Kenny, how’d you know I was there? I was trying so hard to do like you said and be real quiet and all. How’d you know?”

  “I jus’ got this sense, that’s all, Marty. You’ll get it, too. Soon as you get bigger. Com’on an’ sit.”

  Logan turned his head to hide his smile. He would bet that Kenny had finely honed senses. The boy was going to be a hell of a man when he was full grown. Logan wasn’t a man to waste time cursing what fate set before him, but he made an exception this time. Here he was, with Jessie, a woman made for a man to share with, and these two boys in need of a home, and he couldn’t make promises to any of them.

  “So,” Kenny said, slinging an arm around Marty’s bony shoulders, “tell us what you got in mind.”

  “Kenny, you promised you’d ask him first.”

  “Ask me what?” Logan glanced from Marty to Kenny. “Speak up. If I can answer you, I will.”

  Marty, squirming around, started elbowing Kenny in the ribs. “Do it. Go on. Ask.”

  Kenny spoke, but he wouldn’t look at Logan. “Those men that left you for dead, they’re outlaws, ain’t they? An’ I figured if they are, that makes you one of ’em.”

  “Are you asking me or telling me, Kenny?”

  “A little of both, I guess. I sorta trust you, but I gotta know. On account of Marty. I’m big enough to take care of myself but he’s little. I can’t let him get hurt none.”

  Logan wished some of the men he knew could lay things open as well as this young boy. Hard times and a land he sometimes believed was belched up from hell could do a job of aging that no amount of years made up for. But the boy’s question left him in a quandary. If he lied, he risked Kenny knowing and deciding not to help him. But to tell him the truth risked the boy if Monte or any of the others got hold of him.

  “What’s the matter, Logan? Got you between a rock an’ a hard place?”

  “Don’t you just know it. I’ll tell you what I can and hope that you’ll trust me. If that’s good enough, say it now.”

  “An’ if it ain’t?”

  “Then I’ll be mighty disappointed and be on my way.”

  “Marty, you want we should listen to him?”

  Drawing his lower lip into his mouth, Marty started sucking. Rocking back and forth, he finally nodded.

  “So talk to us.”

  Logan put his simple but mutually beneficial proposition to them. Kenny, with the instincts of a wary animal and the natural inquisitiveness of a boy being included in grown-up plans, questioned Logan at every turn. When he was finished speaking, Logan didn’t say a word when Kenny hauled Marty to his feet and walked off a little way with him to talk things over.

  And talk is what Kenny did. He listened, too, to Marty’s questions, farfetched as some were, never getting angry, just answering until Marty seemed to be reassured.

  Watching them, Logan found his liking and respect for Kenny and his pity for little Marty turned to a desire to take them home to the Rocking K. His mother would be in her glory to have young boys around the house again. Maybe with them to distract her, she’d stop haunting him and his brother—for Ty hadn’t been back long enough these past few years for her to catch hold of him—about getting married and giving her grandchildren before she was too old to enjoy them.

  Shaking his head with regret, Logan knew it was impossible now. He’d be riding hard with no time to watch or worry over two boys. He still had a promise to keep to Conner. And a score to settle with Monte and the others.

  He looked up to find the boys holding hands as they came toward him.

  “We decided. But we can’t come with you now. My ma taught me proper that to go callin’ means we got to wear Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.”

  Logan opened his mouth to protest that it wasn’t necessary, but Kenny had such a look of pride about him that he agreed.

  “I’ll look for you near supper.” He rose, then stood a moment scratching the back of his neck. “You wouldn’t mind if I borrowed your part of the stream to take a bath, would you?”

  “Not me.” Marty stuck his bottom lip out in a pout.

  “Not you. Do I make you take baths? But I bet you’d like to go swimmin’ again?”

  “That’s fun, Kenny.”

  “Only did it once,” Kenny explained to Logan. “I had to keep watch an’ I worried ’cause he don’t swim so good.”

  “Tell you what. I’ll keep first watch and you two go swimming, then I’ll take a bath. Jessie, Lord love her, will be grateful to us for the consideration.”

  Chapter Ten

  The thick band of clouds still hovered as Logan approached the cabin cautiously. He scanned the immediate area, puzzled when he spotted the two saddled horses loose in the corral.

  Jessie was back and she’d found him a horse. His gut gave a something’s-wrong twist and he started running. Jessie would never leave the horses unattended unless she was sick…or hurt.

  “Jessie!” He rounded the corner of the cabin in a skid, saw no sign of her and headed for the door. When he grabbed the iron latch and it didn’t give way, fear seeped into his voice.

  “Jessie!” he yelled again, pounding on the bolted door. “Jessie, open the door!” Logan tried to be calm. He pressed his ear to the door, but heard no answer.

  Inside the cabin, Jessie hid in the corner near the cupboard, ignoring Logan’s shouted demands that she open the door to him.

  All the way home she’d wanted a bath, but her need had grown so strong to feel clean again that she’d impatiently settled for a basin of hot water. The cabin was fil
led with shadows—she hadn’t bothered to light a lamp—and the gloom suited her dark mood.

  Stripped to the waist, she had scrubbed her skin until she realized it was useless. She’d never feel clean again. Eyes open or closed, she couldn’t wipe away the image of leering eyes in a merciless face looming over her. No matter how hard she rubbed her skin, the crawling sensation of being touched by those dirty hands remained on her flesh.

  Telling herself that she had not been hurt made no difference. She was ashamed. There wasn’t enough hot water or talking that could take away the feeling.

  Not even the copious amounts of whiskey she forced herself to drink, until her stomach heaved in rebellion, stopped her from reliving the terrible scene of helplessness.

  And she cried for the unseen but wrenching robbery those men had committed—they had stolen her belief that she could live here alone and protect herself.

  She refused to think about David at all.

  But Logan, whose voice now coaxed through the door, was not David. Logan wasn’t a man to run from trouble.

  The thought settled in her mind as unshakable truth. Logan wouldn’t run, even if the trouble wasn’t his.

  “Jess, please, just answer me,” Logan pleaded. His hand closed over the butt of his gun, the gun Jessie had given him, and the one he was about to use if he had to. He was getting desperate to break the wall of silence from the cabin. The bolted door proved she was inside.

  But didn’t prove that she was alone.

  The thought erupted from his mind and sent him staggering back away from the door.

  What if Zach had come back? What if he had been waiting inside? Jessie, sweet, trusting Jessie at the mercy of him…Stupid, blind fool! He called himself that and worse. He’d never thought to search the area beyond the cabin. The blow to his head had done damage. He’d lost his edge, to be so careless and put Jessie in danger.

  If Zach or one of the others was inside, he couldn’t retreat. They’d only hurt Jessie if they couldn’t find him. If they hadn’t done that already…if that wasn’t the reason she didn’t answer him. Too many ifs…

  And his going off half-cocked with worry over Jessie handed anyone inside the cabin with her one hell of a weapon.

  He hadn’t known how deep his feelings were for her until this moment. He’d do anything to keep her safe. Logan didn’t put any qualifiers on that. Whatever it took, whatever it cost, he was willing to pay the price.

  A rock and a hard place…His mind went blank. He’d been in tough situations, made lightning-swift decisions, but now all he could think about was Jessie, not what he should do.

  The silence, the utter absolute silence from the cabin sent him back to pounding on the door. He resumed calling out to her, knowing he couldn’t let his voice or his actions give away what he suspected.

  Hearing Logan’s fist drumming on the door again, Jessie covered her ears, but she couldn’t shut out the sound of his pleading demand that she answer him. She knew she couldn’t hide forever, not from him and certainly not from herself.

  Dragging her hands down, she bit her bottom lip, not noticing that she tasted blood. Wide and blank, her eyes targeted the door. With a shaking hand she reached out for an old wool shirt that had belonged to her brother.

  She needed the shirt’s warmth as much as she needed its comfort.

  “A minute. Just a minute more,” she pleaded, then repeated it like a litany as she hurried to button up the shirt. A trembling seized her. She took hold of the basin and water sloshed over the edges, dripping down the front of her dark brown skirt. Tears burned her eyes and she blinked them back. How could she have any tears left?

  You are strong, Jessie. You survived a sham of a marriage. You made a new life for yourself. You can face Logan and lie.

  The basin fell into the dry sink with a clatter. She stared at the mess she’d made, clinging to the edge of the wood frame.

  “Jessie! If you don’t open this door I’ll tear it apart!”

  Roused by the fury in Logan’s voice, she answered him, “I’m coming!” Anger for his presence when all she wanted to do was hide fueled her rapid move to the door. Anger that built to rage lent her strength to throw off the bolt and fling the door open.

  For a moment there was a glint of ruthlessness so savage in his eyes that it caused a shiver to run through her and forced her rage to retreat.

  Just as she physically retreated a few steps into the cabin. Then she saw the drawn gun he held.

  Like those of a hunter who’d run his quarry to ground, his instincts flared toward the chase when she backed away from him. A small voice of reason ordered him to take a moment before he spoke, before he dared move inside with Jessie.

  The surge of need to have him hold her staggered Jessie. And it frightened her that she had come to depend upon him, anyone, so much. Fear couldn’t make the need go away.

  Logan holstered the gun, knowing without needing to look or ask that Jessie was alone. But his eyes met hers and within those wide golden brown eyes were the shattered dreams of a child and the needs of a woman. The tightening in his gut was unexpected—raw and purely sexual. His mind was wiped clean. He fought against the power, releasing a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

  “What the hell happened?”

  Her head moved slowly from side to side, the shaking becoming faster as she once again backed away from him.

  “Don’t, Jessie,” he snapped, frustration lighting the fuse on an already short temper. The silence that followed was thick with tension.

  His gaze took in the spill of her hair on one side, the overlarge man’s shirt, the wide damp spot on her skirt. His gut twisted to see her lower lip swollen where she had bitten it, and the faint mark at the corner of her mouth. His gaze moved beyond her to the bottle of whiskey on the table. It appeared almost empty.

  Suddenly he felt as if he were walking around quicksand. He lifted his hand toward her, waiting agonizing seconds while she stared at him, then his outthrust hand, before she turned away.

  “Jessie?”

  “Did you ever think I’d like some privacy after having you underfoot for almost a week?”

  Her voice was hoarse as if she’d been yelling…or crying. Logan couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong. Annoyed that he couldn’t figure out what it was, he raked his hand through his still-damp hair, never taking his eyes from her back.

  Push her. The thought came quickly, but Logan was slow to obey it. “If you wanted me gone, Jessie, all you had to do was say so.”

  “I guess I just did.”

  “The hell you say!” He went after her, catching her shoulder and spinning her around to face him. “I asked you a question an’ don’t put me off. You wouldn’t leave that swayback nag you’re so fond of saddled. You wouldn’t have taken so long to answer me or open the door if it was just a matter of privacy.”

  She twisted out from under his hold, but the table halted her retreat. Her eyes searched the cabin, looking for escape. This was a Logan she had not seen. The faint dark stubble on his face reinforced the relentless gaze that pinned her in place. Without realizing what she was doing, Jessie raised her hands before her.

  “Stop it! Put your hands down, Jessie. I’m not gonna hit you. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ve never raised my hand to a woman in my life and I won’t start now no matter how much you push me.” He stepped closer, bracing his hands on the table’s edge, caging her hips between them, just as his body caged her against the table itself. “And you are pushing me, lady.”

  “I wanted to wash. I couldn’t very well do that with you here.”

  “And the whiskey? What was that for? Some new scent I’ve never heard of.”

  With her head lowered, he could barely hear her mumbled reply.

  “I don’t owe you anything. It’s none of your business. You’ve got your horse. There’s supplies in the sack tied to my horse. Take it all and go.”

  “I can’t hear you. And I want to se
e you face-to-face when you say it, Jessie.”

  He didn’t know what made him look around. She said she wanted a bath, but all he saw was the basin tossed in the dry sink. A washcloth hung over the edge, dripping water on the floor. And nowhere he looked was the shirt she’d been wearing when she left for town. Alarm shot through him.

  Logan kept one hand on the table, the other he slid beneath her chin to gently urge her to look at him.

  Using every ounce of his control, he spoke softly. “I know that something happened. I’d sell my soul to see you smile right now, pretty lady. I’d sell everything I own if you’d trust me enough to tell me what’s wrong. And don’t close your eyes against me, Jess. Trouble shared is trouble halved.”

  She searched his features, settling on his mouth, fighting the panic taking hold of her. He wouldn’t like being compared to her deceased aunt’s little dog, but right now Logan reminded her of Ulysses—named for the general and previous president. Like his namesake, the dog would not be deterred when he went after what he wanted. A trait that Logan shared.

  Trouble shared is trouble halved. The words replayed in her mind. But she would double his trouble, not halve it, if she told him the truth.

  “Jess, I’m a real patient man—”

  “Who asked you to be? It wasn’t me. I haven’t asked you for anything.”

  “No?”

  Confused by the challenge in his voice, she looked up at him. Two seconds later Logan took her by the arm and marched her to stand in front of the bureau. The mirror hanging above was not of the best quality. Wavy ripples played in the reflections of their bodies.

  “Take a good look at yourself, Jessie. Go on, look. Then see what I’ve been seeing. Especially your eyes. They’re asking all kinds of things from me. Trouble is, I’m not sure you know what you want.”

  Logan was caught by the way she closed her eyes as if the image was painful to her. His grip on her upper arms pulled the shirt taut over her breasts. One of the spaces between the horn buttons gaped open. His gaze targeted that bit of bare flesh. He ached to touch her with the intimacy of a lover, but Jessie had denied him that place in her life. Yet there remained the desire to offer her some small comfort. He thought about taking her head between his hands and covering her incredibly sad face with kisses. He couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t stop with soft, gentle kisses. If he ever kissed her again, he wouldn’t stop at all.