Sister of Silence

by Daleen Berry

  I went toward the house, my children, and our future…certain it would be a life full of promise and possibilities.

  Finally.

  Later that night, I began tucking the kids into bed. I loved that time of the day, when they had toothpaste breath and warm cheeks waiting to be kissed. “Good night, I love you. Sweet dreams.”

  As I was leaving, Slade called out, “Don’t let the bug bites bite you.”

  I smiled at his childish rendition of the saying as I walked down the stairs.

  They’re the reason my life is meaningful.

  And I knew it was a real smile, one that came from within, unlike those I once pasted there while playing out my masquerade.

  The kids had not left me alone for a minute the entire day. We celebrated with a party. A welcome home party for mom, they had said, complete with cake and ice cream.

  I went into the bathroom—the same small room where I had planned to end all our lives—and looked into the mirror. The woman standing before me wasn’t a stranger exactly, but we were definitely getting to know each other better. And I liked her, I really did!

  But if I peered a little deeper, I could see signs of someone else who had once stood there, looking at her reflection. In many ways, that woman had been afraid of her own shadow. In other ways, she had been more courageous than many women are, or can be. That woman—the one who used to be me—was slowly becoming a distant memory.

  A few minutes later, I walked into the living room and curled up on the sofa, a cup of tea in one hand and my discharge papers in the other. Looking into the mirror and thinking about my hospital stay had reminded me of that day in Dr. Towson’s office in 1986.

  At the tender age of twenty-two, with four small children in my care, part of me had desperately wanted my family doctor to give me something for my depression. But I didn’t really advocate for myself. I had been too afraid of being locked away in a place with people wearing starched uniforms and dispensing purple pills, to tell him the truth about just how depressed I was. If I had known how much good would come from my two-week hospital stay, I would have been admitted years ago.

  It was amazing that I felt better, that I was better.

  I wanted to read the words, one more time, just so I could see them for myself.

  I took a deep breath and started reading aloud: “The patient denies any further suicidal ideation or feelings of hopelessness/helplessness. In fact she has actively engaged in treatment and has demonstrated leadership qualities on the unit…depressive symptoms have resolved.”

  I smiled as I sipped my tea.

  I’m a leader

  I had never seen that in myself before, but if so, maybe I could help other women whose lives were as chaotic and confused as my own had been.

  But how? Even before the thought was formed, I knew. I would write about it, for my column. What better way to help people realize being ill—or seeking help—is nothing to be ashamed of? That it’s only a stigma as long as they allow it to be.

  And that’s what my readers learned when they opened the next issue of their newspaper.

  Years later, someone told me that framed column still hangs inside Chestnut Ridge Hospital.

  Linda chose the title, “Getting help is a sign of strength,” and that column led more people to share their personal stories about depression and suicide with me, than I could have ever imagined.

  “My mom was depressed all her life.”

  “My uncle killed himself because he was too proud to get help.”

  “Thank you, maybe other people will get help now, too.”

  But my favorite letter came from a woman named Jane.

  “I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your column, Vintage Berry Wine. Thank you for letting your readers take a peek into your life and for showing us that problems can be dealt with a lot easier with a bit of humor.

  I really appreciate you sharing your problems with your readers. It makes me feel a kinship to you since I have gone through some of the same things you write about.

  Please don’t quit writing. Your column is the first thing I look for when I receive the paper. You may never know what an impact you have had on your readers. I can tell you that you have helped me and maybe someday I will get to West Virginia and meet you.”

  I was moved with wonder upon reading what Jane had written. I knew then how powerful words can be when used to help others.

  That’s what I’m going to do with my life.

  EPILOGUE

  I left Eddie in 1990, just before Memorial Day, and filed for a legal separation. He retaliated and filed for divorce, thinking it would cause me to come running home again. It didn’t and in February 1991, our divorce was final. My children and I struggled for awhile, trying to get used to our new life and to escape Eddie’s attempts to emotionally and physically batter us. That’s because, as often happens in these families where violence is the norm, Eddie continued to complicate matters for many years through stalking and other types of manipulation. His final act of desperation to hold onto our old life was to file for custody of our four children. The process was long and drawn-out and very bitter. The only thing that saved us was years of intensive counseling and lots of love and patience from family and friends. I hope you’ll join me on my journey, which finally ends in 2010, because that’s what book three of this trilogy will consider.

  In the meantime, book two of the trilogy will take up where this one left off—and show you how I finally found the love I deserved, and how I tried to teach my children healthy habits for a peaceful and happy home life. (To read a few pages of book two, tentatively titled To Shatter the Silence, continue reading below.)

  I love hearing from my readers, so please email me at Daleen.berry@gmail.com. You can also follow my blog: www.daleenberry.com.

  DISCUSSION GUIDE

  What is the significance of the book’s title, Sister of Silence?

  What importance do the initials SOS have?

  How might you use this book to help other women in similar situations?

  Describe what helped the author to recognize she was mentally ill.

  What steps did she take to help herself, and/or get help from others?

  How were her children impacted by the violence in their home?

  What role did her children play in the author’s life?

  If there was one message you gleaned from reading this book, what was it?

  What can we do to help make mental illness easier to discuss?

  How did the early sexual abuse affect the author?

  When did the author realize she was a victim of marital rape? How do you think this impacted her?

  Do you think other women recognize if they are victims, too? Why or why not?

  What can we do to help these women?

  Do you think society is open to discussion about marital rape? Why or why not?

  Why do you think children blame themselves when they are sexually abused?

  In denying that acquaintance molestation is a significant problem, what message does society send to the victims of such abuse?

  Could anyone have prevented the author’s abuse? Why or why not?

  Why is this an important book for parents?

  How was the author able to overcome what happened to her?

  What message is she trying to share?

  What is empowerment?

  How was the author empowered?

  Why does the author portray her experience as a journey?

  Has this book changed the way you view child sexual abuse? Rape within marriage? Mental illness? Why or why not?

  What will you do differently now, after reading this book?

  How do you handle talking with your children about sex and inappropriate touching by others/adults?

  Do you know your local sources for help (for women who need a safe place to go, for anyone who needs help with mental illness)?

  I would love to “join” your book discussion group—either a
book club or even a support group—via telephone call or Skype. You can contact me at Daleen.berry@gmail.com.

  RECOMMENDED READING

  Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics, by Robert Ackerman

  Treating Attachment Abuse: A Compassionate Approach, by Steven Stosny, PhD

  The Courage to Heal - Third Edition - Revised and Expanded: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

  Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out, by Dr. Phillip McGraw

  When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships, by John Gottman and Neil Jacobson

  Why Mothers Kill: A Forensic Psychologist’s Casebook, by Geoffrey R. McKee

  Understanding Domestic Homicide, by Neil Websdale

  AFTERWORD

  In the United States, society’s historical attitude about sexual victimization of children can generally be summed up in one word: denial. Most people do not want to hear about it and would prefer to pretend such victimization does not happen. Today, however, that’s difficult when stories and reports about child sexual abuse and exploitation occur daily.

  Especially during the 1950s and 1960s, the primary focus in the limited literature and discussions on sexual victimization of children was on “stranger danger”—the dirty old man in the wrinkled raincoat approaching an innocent child. If one could not totally deny the existence of child sexual victimization, one could describe it in simplistic terms of good and evil. The investigation and prevention of this “stranger danger” are more clear-cut. We immediately know who the good and bad guys are, what they look like, and that the danger is external. Although no longer the primary focus of literature and training, “stranger danger” remains a disproportionate concern for our society.

  The criminal sexual assault of an adult is, by definition, almost always violent. The criminal sexual assault of a child may or may not be violent. In the U.S., however, it’s common to view or even legally define sexual victimization of children as violent—even if many cases do not meet common definitions of violence (i.e., threats, force). Although emotionally understandable, this often creates confusion and unrealistic evidentiary expectations. Many laypeople and even professionals, who hear terms such as “sexual assault” or “rape” applied to children, seek out or expect evidence of physical violence even when the law may not require it. Often in response to atypical, highly publicized, violent sexual assaults of children, laws requiring sex offender registration and community notification were passed in the U.S. to protect society from these “sexually violent predators.” Only later was it “discovered” that many of the most persistent and prolific child molesters have typically used seduction (not violence) and are, therefore, not adequately covered by these laws.

  In reality, sexual victimization of children involves varied and diverse dynamics. It can range from one-on-one intrafamilial abuse to multi-offender/multi-victim extrafamilial sex rings, or from stranger abduction of toddlers to prostitution of teenagers. The often forgotten piece in the puzzle of the sexual victimization of children is “acquaintance molestation.” This seems to be the most difficult manifestation of the problem for society and even professionals to face. People seem more willing to accept a sinister stranger from a different location or father/stepfather from a different socioeconomic background as a child molester than a clergy member, next-door neighbor, law enforcement officer, pediatrician, teacher, or a volunteer who has access to children. Society seems to have a problem dealing with any sexual victimization case in which the adult offender is not completely “bad,” or the child victim is not completely “good.” The idea that child victims could simply behave like human beings and respond to the attention and affection of offenders, by voluntarily and repeatedly returning to an offender, is a troubling one.

  Stranger offenders can use trickery to initially lure their child victims, but tend to control them more through confrontation, threats of force, and physical force. Interfamilial offenders tend to control their victims more through their private access and family authority. Acquaintance child molesters, although sometimes violent, tend to control their victims through the grooming or seduction process. This process not only gains the victim’s initial cooperation, but also decreases the likelihood of disclosure and increases the likelihood of ongoing, repeated access. Acquaintance offenders with a preference for young victims (younger than age twelve) are more likely to also spend time seducing the potential victim’s parents or caretakers, to gain their trust and confidence. An acquaintance molester who uses violence will likely, and quickly, be reported to law enforcement. But an acquaintance molester who seduces his victims without violence can sometimes go unreported for thirty years or more.

  One of the unfortunate outcomes of society’s preference for the “stranger-danger” concept is that it has a direct impact on intervention into many acquaintance molestation cases. It is what I call “say no, yell and tell” guilt. This is the result of societal attitudes and prevention programs that focus only on “unwanted” sexual activity and tell potential child victims to avoid sexual abuse by saying no, yelling, and telling. This technique might work well with the stranger lurking behind a tree, but children who are seduced and actively participate in their victimization often feel guilty and blame themselves because they did not do what they were “supposed” to do. These seduced and, therefore, compliant victims may sometimes feel a need to describe their victimization in more socially acceptable but inaccurate ways that relieve their guilt.

  Society’s lack of understanding and acceptance of the reality of compliant child victims often results in:

  1. Victims who fail to disclose and even deny their sexual victimization.

  2. Incomplete, inaccurate, distorted, even contradictory victim disclosures when they do happen.

  3. A lifetime of victim shame, embarrassment, and guilt.

  4. Offenders having access to numerous victims over an extended period of time.

  5. Ineffective prevention programs that not only do not prevent victimization, but also make the first four problems worse.

  Awareness and prevention programs that focus on recognizing evil sexual “predators” and “pedophiles” and advise victims to “say no, yell and tell” decrease the likelihood of victim disclosure and increase the victims’ shame and guilt. What are the long-term emotional and psychological consequences for child victims who are exposed to prevention and awareness programs that seem to deny the reality of their victimization or who must distort, misrepresent, and lie about what actually happened to them in order to have it accepted as “real” victimization?

  Advice to prevent sexual exploitation of children by adult acquaintances is very complex and difficult to implement. Children younger than age twelve tend to listen to prevention advice but often to not understand it. Children older than age twelve tend to understand it, but often no longer listen to it. How do you warn children about offenders who may be their teachers, coaches, clergy members, neighbors, or Internet “friends”? Or whose only distinguishing characteristics are: they will treat the children better than most adults, listen to their problems and concerns, and fill their emotional, physical and sexual needs? Will parents, society, and professionals understand when the victimization is discovered or disclosed? Much prevention advice simply does not distinguish to which types of sexual victimization it applies. The right to “say no” and “good touch/bad touch” would be applied differently to a stranger, parent, teacher, physician or Internet acquaintance.

  At an early age, children learn to manipulate their environment to get what they want. Almost all children seek attention and affection. Children, especially adolescents, typically find pornography online because they are looking for it, not because they made a mistake. They are moving away from the total control of parents and trying to establish new relationships outside the family. Ask any adult what the number one thing on their mind was when they were adolescents, and the answer
is always the same: sex. Yet parents seem to want to believe their children are asexual.

  Most acquaintance-exploitation cases involve seduced or compliant victims. Although applicable statutes and investigative or protective priorities may vary, the sexual activity is not the victim’s fault even if the child:

  • Did not say “no”

  • Did not fight

  • Actively cooperated

  • Initiated the contact

  • Did not tell

  • Accepted gifts or money

  • Enjoyed the sexual activity

  Society must also remember that many children, especially those victimized through the seduction process, often:

  • Trade sex for attention, affection, or gifts

  • Are confused over their sexuality and feelings

  • Are embarrassed and guilt-ridden over their activity

  • Describe their victimization in socially acceptable ways

  • Minimize their responsibility and maximize the offender’s

  • Deny or exaggerate their victimization

  Seeming disagreements and differences of opinion often result from confusion over definitions. Some experts say pedophiles can be treated; others claim they cannot. Some people say there is a connection between missing children and child pornography; others say there is not. Some people say communities should be notified when sex offenders move into a neighborhood; others say it’s an unproductive violation of privacy. This is not simply a matter of opinion.