A Taste of Bliss

by Adrian R. Hale

  “My mom is still alive, how can I possibly be grieving?” I blow out a hot breath and avoid looking at him. He’s a ridiculous conundrum of frustrating support and persistence. I notice my tears have slowed their freefall down my face and I can breathe normally again, however labored it may be from my anger.

  “I may not have lost my dad to cancer, but I know grief. I’m willing to bet good money you are in the anger and bargaining stages right now. You might even be facing a weird mix of all the stages because of your unique position of having a living parent who is dying, rather than coping with a death that has already happened.”

  “Did you get your psych degree while at Berkeley, too?” I roll my eyes as I turn away from Talan to stare straight ahead at the vacant nurse’s station. It’s hard to look at him when I’m angry. My emotions ebb in his favor when I stare too long.

  He runs his hand through his hair, pulling in frustration and catching my attention again. “No, I just recognize a lot of what I went through when I look at you. I was angry. I said awful things and pushed everyone away, too. It took a long time to rebuild the bridges I burned while I was grieving my dad. I even hated myself, thinking that I may have had some hand in his heart attack, and definitely blamed myself for the family losing his shop because I didn’t want to quit school.” Talan leans forward, resting his head in his hands. He turns toward me, his beautiful eyes full of hope even though his face is lined in sadness.

  “I don’t want you to feel like you are alone in this. So say whatever you want to me. Call me names, tell me I don’t understand. Fuck, you can even beat on me if you think that will help. I’ll tell you from experience that it doesn’t. No matter how many faces I bloodied, the ache was still there.”

  Before I can come up with a reply, Dr. Avery is back. “Bliss, you can see your mom now. She’s stabilized and has her chest tube in, so she’s much more comfortable.”

  I stand and follow Dr. Avery through the waiting room, pausing at the doorway to look back at Talan. He gives me an encouraging smile and waves. He settles back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest in a contented manner. He’s in it for the long haul. I don’t know if that means just for tonight, or forever.

  Chapter Fourteen

  My mom looks so fragile and small lying in the hospital bed, lines and tubes connecting her to various machines and bags. The oxygen cannula in her nose whispers softly against her pale skin. When she sees me in the doorway, she opens her arms for me. I cross the room and fall carefully next to her on the bed, wrapping my arm across her chest that is full of cancer and fluid.

  “Thanks for coming, Blissy. I’m sorry if I scared you.” Her voice is raspy and deep, while her breaths are shallow.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to get here sooner. I was in Sonoma when I got the calls.” I close my eyes tightly, guilt hitting a home run in my heart that positively slays me.

  “Don’t be sad, my love. You were out there living. That’s all I want for you. Please tell me you were seeing that yummy bartender you met up there.” Her voice takes on a playful note, like we are just two friends confiding in each other at a sleepover. If only it was that simple and sweet.

  I roll onto my back and slap my hand over my face. “I was. Actually, he brought me to the hospital and is in the waiting room. I asked him to leave. I practically accosted him and called him names to get him to go, but he refused.”

  “Sounds strong willed, and determined. I like that. You need someone with a very strong character to put up with you. No offense baby, but you are as independent and hard headed as they come. No man with a weak spirit is gonna be able to put up with that. You would walk all over anyone who gave you the slightest room to.”

  “I don’t even want him to stand up to me. I just want him to leave me alone.” I rub my eyes, unhappy to be discussing my life when I want to focus on hers.

  “Back to not wanting to like him, are we? I told you sweetie, give the guy a chance, a real one. I have half a mind to go out to that waiting room and tell him not to let you push him away.”

  “No need; he seems to have stubbornly taken that exact stance.”

  “Well?”

  “Well what?”

  “Go get him. If he’s here and doesn’t plan on leaving, I might as well meet him.”

  “Are you serious? You want to meet Talan right now? I barely know him, it’s not even like we are dating or anything.”

  “Oh, you wouldn’t call hooking up, attending an event, and spending the day in Sonoma dating? Because that’s sort of my definition of the term.” She smirks behind her cannula. “Now, be a good girl and go get him. Don’t make me pull the dying mother card, because that’s one of the best perks of this cancer. I’ve used it all over the place already.”

  “You are shameless.” I stare at her in bemused horror. I can’t believe she would use her cancer against me. She purses her lips and tilts her head, waiting for my answer. “Fine. I’ll go get him.”

  I roll off the bed and head back to the waiting area slowly. Letting him meet my mom feels like a very “couple” thing to do. It scares me more than I’d like to admit, but also sends a thrill through me that I don’t understand. I lean against the doorframe and spend a moment looking at Talan. He’s kicked back in the chair I left him in, one ankle perched on the other knee as he scrolls through his phone. He glances up and notices me in the doorway.

  “Hey, how did it go? Your mom okay?” He stands and walks in his socks toward me, carefully leaving a small distance between us.

  “Yeah, she’s doing better than earlier, but it’s hard to see her hooked up to machines like this.” I swallow back the lump in my throat, and meet his eyes from under my lashes. “She wants to meet you.”

  “Really? Okay, let me just grab my shoes. That would be some first impression if I met her just in my socks.”

  “Somehow I think she would overlook that faux pas.” I roll my eyes, but can’t help the smile that raises my lips. Talan and Mom are a matched pair that make them both forces to be reckoned with. Neither lets me get away with the slightest bit of bullshit. I guess I can respect Talan for that, since it makes him more like my amazing mother. I shake my head slowly as he wrestles his feet back into his boots. I would think most guys would hate being put on the spot, meeting a girl’s parents when they first start dating.

  “I really hope she doesn’t embarrass me with stupid stories from when I was a kid. I’m sure she’s been saving some extra special ones just to torment me with.”

  Talan grins widely. “I’ll pump her for those ones, now that I know they exist.”

  I pretend shock. “You wouldn’t. That’s taking advantage of a woman with nothing else to lose. She wants to share all of her cards now that the game is ending.” I take a deep, steadying breath before I walk Talan to my mom’s room.

  “Momma, this is…Talan.” I’m not sure what to call him. I settle on simply using his name, rather than defining what he may be to me. “Talan, this is my mom, Lisa.” I am suddenly filled with the need for her to approve of him. Not that I see a huge thing with him in the future, but because he is here, now.

  “Lisa, it is so nice to meet you. I haven’t heard too much, but Bliss thinks the world of you, and that tells me all I need to know.” Talan smoothly takes the hand Mom holds out for him before sitting in the chair by her bed. I walk over and crawl onto the end of her bed, crossing my legs under me and leaning on my elbows. I exhale a shaky breath and hope for the best.

  “I have actually heard quite a bit about you, Talan, and I’m thrilled to meet you in person.” Mom waggles her eyebrows at him. I want to die from embarrassment already.

  “Now I’m curious about what Bliss has been saying, since she seems to change her mind about how she feels about me every time I see her,” he says with a smile.

  “Oh, does she now? Well, she’s just mentioned that you’re quite the persistent man. And she likes the way you smell, which I think is a good thing.”

&
nbsp; I bury my face in my hands with a groan. “Seriously? I will never tell you anything in confidence again if I know you are just going to use it against me.” Talan and Mom both laugh.

  “So Talan, how long have you been bartending at that winery in Sonoma?” Mom settles back against her pillows and looks at him expectantly.

  Talan’s eyes cut to me quickly, apologizing with a look. He turns back to Mom with a smile. “I guess Bliss didn’t have a chance to tell you, but I’m not really a bartender. I own Villa Sonoma. She just happened to meet me while I was covering a shift for one of my bartenders, and I didn’t have the heart to correct her. She just found out today also.”

  “Sneaky, sneaky,” Mom chastises playfully. “It’s good to hook ‘em and make sure they like you for who you are, rather than what you do. This guy is good, Bliss.” She raises her eyebrow at me. I frown at her, hoping she’ll stop encouraging Talan.

  “More that I took advantage of the opportunity, but yes, it’s been nice to have Bliss think I was nothing more than a bartender. Now that she knows though, I’m sure she’ll keep trying to push me away. Between you and me, I think she’s afraid,” he stage whispers to Mom.

  “She is, but you should keep working on her. I think you have a good start. Don’t let her get too caught up in her work or taking care of me that she forgets to have fun.”

  “I’m right here you jerks. Stop talking about me like I’m not.” I sulk at the end of the bed, unhappy with the direction the conversation has taken.

  “You have my word, Lisa. I will make sure she has some fun.” Talan looks over at me with a smile that is sweet sunshine, not the usual panty-melting sexiness I’m used to from him. He looks back at Mom. “I hear you have a bucket list. Care to share what some of those items are?”

  Mom brightens visibly, happy to talk about the things she has planned. “I want to travel a little bit. I haven’t been many places, and always said I would get time to travel eventually. Well I don’t really have an eventually now, so I really want to go to Paris and have lunch under the Eiffel Tower. That’s more wishful thinking than reality, but I put it on there anyway. I want a spa day where I get completely pampered, maybe have a mud bath or something because that sounds like so much fun.”

  “You’ve always been so good at taking care of other people, you never made time for yourself,” I add softly. Talan looks up at me, studying the bittersweet emotions playing across my face.

  He finally breaks eye contact, returning his gaze to Mom. “What else is on your list, Lisa?”

  “I want to see the sun rise from the top of a mountain, and set over the ocean. Maybe in the same day. I want to go skydiving. I want to see a Broadway show, or one of my favorite bands in concert. I want to feel the wind blow my hair back as I ride in a fast car.” She pauses and looks wistfully at me, reaching for my hand. “I wish I could see you get married and have my grandbabies, but I don’t have hope of living that long.” Her voice breaks and tears pool in her eyes. “Instead, I want to see you find whatever happiness you can, in whatever capacity that may be. I want to know you won’t be left alone in this world, that you will have someone, anyone to lean on and help you get through losing me.”

  The tears she is trying so hard to keep at bay slip through her lashes, tracing transparent tracks down her fair skin. She sniffles, brushing the tears away. “And lastly, I want to die peacefully, with as much of my dignity as I can manage.” She takes a deep breath and coughs shake her slight frame. I reach for the box of tissues and hand her one. She covers her mouth, her coughs wheezing to a bloody end.

  I stroke Mom’s hand, letting the tears fall quietly. She’s so beautiful. So strong. So hopeful. She’s everything I hope to be, and more than I could ever manage.

  I smile through my tears and wipe my eyes quickly, swallowing back the sadness so I can be happy for her. “The fundraiser is set for this Friday. With that and the crowdfunding, we should be able to do a few really cool things while paying your medical bills.” I swallow the lump in my throat when I say that, hoping like hell it’s true. Mom doesn’t have enough to cover ambulance rides and hospital stays, let alone the kind of end-of-life care she’s going to need.

  I’m really hoping we can raise enough money.

  “Do you think you will feel up to attending the fundraiser? You totally don’t have to, though.”

  “Of course Blissy, I wouldn’t miss it. You’re so wonderful to put this all together for me. I’ve been telling all my clients and friends about it. Hopefully you get a good group to show up.”

  “I think it will have quite the turnout,” Talan offers with a smile. I tilt my head at him, realizing that he will have a huge hand in helping us out.

  “Mom, Talan is donating all of the wine for the event, and arranged the space to be used and even got a band to play. I know it’s going to come together amazing because I’ve already been to a similar event there this week. He’s incredibly generous and helped so much.” Talan lowers his head, shaking off the praise.

  “Oh, is that the event you had to go home alone from because he got called away at the last minute?” Mom asks innocently.

  My eyes grow wide as the feeling of discomfort settles over me. “Um, yeah, but it’s no big deal. He had work stuff.” I wave off her attention to avoid discussing this in front of Talan.

  “Trust me, she wouldn’t have been alone if I could have helped it,” Talan cuts in quickly. “My business partner, the actual winemaker for Villa Sonoma, has been having some difficulties.” He shakes his head, but continues. “It’s probably no surprise to you that a vintner would have alcoholic tendencies he hasn’t addressed. Al was embarrassing himself, and the company, so I had to corral and calm him down. That can take a while or requires removing him from the problem.” Talan leans toward me, searching my eyes. “Bliss, I’m so sorry you had to go home by yourself. I wanted nothing more than to leave with you, but duty called.”

  I blush as he states his desire for me right in front of Mom. He’s so easily able to alleviate my fears and explain away my doubts. Still, he keeps me wondering about what he hasn’t addressed yet, like the proprietary looks Nassim was giving him and her cold treatment of me. She ruffled my feathers and left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

  “And the woman who came to get you?” I can’t help it, I have to ask. If that makes me a jealous bitch, then so be it. Despite the confidence I manage to unearth to ask, shame settles over me like a familiar blanket. I hate this part of me—untrusting and imaginative to a fault, I make my own conclusions that terrorize my thoughts.

  “Nassim? She’s Al’s daughter. Did she bother you?”

  I feel my cheeks heat. I twist my hair around my finger to avoid looking at him. “No, I was just wondering. She didn’t seem…to like me very much,” I offer as an excuse to ask about her.

  Talan nods in understanding. He can see my jealousy and fears like I’m wearing them as clothes. “It’s all rather boring when it comes to Nassim, actually. The fact that I am aware of her father’s condition brings a lot of shame to their very private and proud family. Nassim also worries about the winery, and has mistrusted me since I bought it from the family a few years ago when they weren’t doing so well. Even though I kept the Shirazi family on to continue their winemaking tradition, she can’t let go of her mistrust of outsiders. I have helped turn Villa Sonoma around, made it into a wedding hotspot, and started selling more bottles than they ever dreamed. She still thinks I’ll let something derail the success and have the whole thing come crashing down. The winery is her dream. She wants to take over for her father someday, but has her eye on my position as well. I would say I have more to worry about from her than you ever will, Bliss.”

  “See sweetie, everything has an explanation.” Mom pats my hand. She looks back to Talan with a serious expression. “Just so you know, Talan, this girl has a very vivid imagination. She’s always been able to create her own stories for anything that happens without an explanation. You would be w
ise to be very upfront with her about everything, or you might find yourself on her bad side because she imagined the worst for something with a simple explanation.”

  “Mom. Seriously, stop.” I rub my temples in defeat.

  Talan laughs, but nods in acceptance. “Duly noted, Lisa. Thanks for that bit of advice.”

  “She hates surprises, too. Don’t ever tell her you have a surprise for her, because the anticipation kills her. You have to just spring something on her without warning to get a surprise over on her. Even that can backfire because she prefers predictability.”

  “That’s it, you’re cut off. No more pow-wow for you two. Too many secrets and insights into my personality have already been exchanged.” Talan and Mom both laugh.

  “Lisa, may I steal Bliss to go grab dinner? We’ll give you a break to rest and make sure to come back after. She’s had a long day and I haven’t fed her.”

  “Oh, that sounds nice, Talan. You kids have fun. I have a plan to hit this pain med button a few times and see how that turns out for me.” She taps the button of a cord lying on the bed next to her and a machine beeps behind her, administering her dosage.

  “I love you so much, Mom, I’ll be back soon.” I kiss Mom’s cheek and accept her hug before Talan and I leave her room. I pause at her doorway, turning to look back at her still, small form in the bed. It breaks my heart to know this is probably how her life will end, just much sicker.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I direct Talan to the town of Campbell, a small suburb of San Jose, and offer to pick up the tab at Aqui, a Cal-Mex restaurant in the downtown area. He shakes his head, but drives us there on the Ducati. We grab menus at Aqui and browse our selections before ordering at the counter. When I grab my wallet, he stops me.

  “Bliss, let me get it. I wanted this to be a date, remember? Our original plan being sidetracked does not mean you’re allowed to change the intentions I had for today. We’re working off the many favors you owe me, after all.”