A Taste of Bliss

by Adrian R. Hale

  I can’t help but stare at him out of curiosity and unease as I return his weird handshake. I always thought I looked just like Mom, and yet I see so much of myself in Andy. His eyes are a shade darker blue than Mom’s and mine, but the shape is more almond, exactly like mine. He has small ears with connected earlobes, like mine. My nail beds are long and narrow, just like his.

  “I didn’t realize you were still in town. I would have made sure to call to see if it was a good time to visit.” I twist my hair into a tight rope, letting the middle curl around itself as I go.

  “Bliss honey…” Mom looks guilty, wringing her hands before she continues. “Andy lives in Palo Alto. He moved to California after his divorce, twenty years ago.” Mom’s voice is laced with sadness and regret.

  It hits me just how different my life could have been had a few small things changed before I was even born. I am sure they both wish things had turned out differently.

  “You can’t be serious. You mean he’s been here this whole time and you never got a chance to reconnect and find out what really happened?” I look in disbelief between Andy and Mom. “How did you even get a letter to him if he lived here?”

  Life has awful timing that can’t even begin to be explained sometimes. This is so unfair for Mom to have missed out on spending the last twenty years with the love of her life because of the shitty circumstances of how they met, and not communicating with him. I bite my lip when the similarities hit too close to home. I am washed with my own guilt at not wanting to have anything to do with Talan. No. My situation is different. He doesn’t have a wife, but he cheated on me anyway.

  “I sent the letter to Austin, to the last address I had for him. His ex-wife forwarded it to him. I didn’t expect him to show up to the fundraiser, but he found the crowdfunding page and got the information himself. Honey, I’m so sorry.” Mom’s eyes fill with remorseful tears, clearly believing she is at fault for something.

  “Why are you sorry Mom?” I kneel in front of her and take her cold hands in mine.

  “You grew up without a dad because of my mistakes. I robbed you of knowing what an amazing guy Andy is. I’m not saying our relationship was perfect—it obviously had its problems in how we came to be together—but we could have made it work, somehow.” Mom looks wistful and so sad she’s making my heart hurt as badly as my head.

  “Oh, Mom.” I bend my head and kiss the papery skin on the back of her hands. “You loved me enough for two parents. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because you were so perfect. You had to be stronger, take on more responsibility, work harder, but you always found a way to make sure I was happy and cared for. I’ve always had everything I could have wanted.”

  “Bliss, I am so sorry I didn’t get to know you as a child. You are quite the amazing woman now,” Andy says, a look of admiration lighting his blue eyes, the corners crinkling up as he smiles. “I have to give Lisa the credit for a job well done.”

  I lean back onto my heels as he puts his arm around Mom and pulls her against him, kissing her forehead. Her eyes close and the smile on her face brings tears to my eyes. She’s so happy. She could have had this all along, but she made a decision to protect us and left him. I don’t even know what that kind of selflessness would require.

  “Oh, Bliss, I have something for you.” Andy releases mom and gets up from the couch to disappear into Mom’s room.

  Confused, I watch his retreating back and wonder what on earth he could have for me. He returns a moment later carrying a large white box.

  “I don’t actually have any use for this, but I know it’s perfect for you. I want you to have it.”

  I take the box hesitantly, setting it on the coffee table to open the top. I push aside layers of white tissue paper and discover blush tulle. It’s the dress I wore in the fashion show. The dress I fell in love with weeks ago while it hung on a rack of clothes in Finch’s studio. I drop my head down to my chest and suck in a deep breath, not sure how to control the tears that run on the heels of this beautiful gift and choke me.

  “This is—” I swallow the lump in my throat and breathe deeply to control the emotion. “This is too much, Andy. You could easily turn around and sell this for what you paid to get your money back. You don’t have to give it to me.” I manage to meet his eyes, the blue depths showing confusion at my reaction.

  “You looked so beautiful in this dress, and it obviously means so much to you. I want you to have it. It’s kind of fancy, but maybe you could find a place to wear it someday. It could even be a wedding dress, if you still like it enough when that time comes.”

  “I do love it.” I pet the soft tulle that peeks out of the box and remember my manners. “Thank you. This is a very unexpected gift, and I’m grateful for it.” I dry my eyes and close the box as I master my emotions. He’s…thoughtful. And generous. He’s been kind and supportive. I think I may like my dad after all.

  I spend a few hours getting to know Andy, and find that he’s quite likable in general. I have two half-sisters, Stella and Elodie, who are twenty-three and twenty-five. They live in Texas, but visit Andy every once in a while. He says he’d like to introduce us the next time they are out here. I wonder how he plans on explaining my appearance, but I guess gentle honesty is the best policy. He actually seems like a decent guy, and he’s here now, supporting Mom when he could have stayed invisible and avoided the trouble and pain of watching her die. That alone makes him worthy of my respect.

  I stay the night with Mom, and meet the hospice team when they visit the following day. We are given the rundown for the palliative care she will receive in the last few months of her life. Dr. Givens, the therapist who will counsel us on the dying process and how to cope as the living family member, explains the pain medications that will ease Mom’s symptoms. We meet Andrea, an oncology nurse who will visit Mom several times a week until she needs round-the-clock care. Laurie, a social worker, helps us create an advanced directive, or living will, that will guide the team in treatment and plans for when Mom passes. The day is full of information and planning. It’s a little hard to take in all at once, but our team assures us they will be around to meet our needs and make this process as easy as a horrible, impending death can be.

  I spend the next few weeks splitting time between Mom’s apartment in San Jose, and mine in San Francisco when I have jobs booked. The commute is a pain, but I need to pay my bills regardless of the personal troubles I am facing.

  Finch and I have found a way to deal with Louisa’s sabotage. He actually has a very big mouth, and was happy to explain her underhanded ways to his community of photographers and models. I have been getting loads of business that otherwise would have funneled her way, each new job explaining that they had “heard through the grapevine” that The Vaughn Group had been doing some shady things. I’m happy to take the business as it comes, even if it means I have to spend more time in San Francisco away from Mom.

  I have even won my very first award for Bellissima Beauty. Roz nominated me for the San Francisco Chronicle’s Best of the Bay awards, and I won the makeup artist category, thanks to her rallying behind me in the charity circuit. It’s amazing to have clients who believe in my brand, love my business, and want to share it with others. It was a proud moment for me to get the email telling me I had won.

  I hate that my first instinct was to call Talan to thank him for being that last push I needed to leave The Vaughn Group and go out on my own. I actually hovered over his contact in my excitement until my happiness slid away into sadness as I realized I couldn’t do that. I thought I was doing a good job of sewing myself back together after his betrayal, but a fresh tear in my heart opened up at that moment of realizing I didn’t have him to celebrate with.

  I try not to think about Talan. He hasn’t called me since that Sunday after I saw him out at the bar. I know time will make it easier, but it still hurts to think of how easily he threw away what we had because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants for a few d
ays. I guess it’s better to have found out about his game playing, cheating ways early on in our relationship, than to have given him years, my heart, and my love to find out later.

  It makes me sick to realize my body and my heart still miss him, despite his betrayal. There’s no making sense of how that could be. I work daily on ridding myself of the need for him, but find he’s like my pink hair dye; slowly fading, but hard to completely remove.

  Willa suggests I find a new guy. I don’t even argue with her, but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I don’t have the time or energy to look for anyone to help replace Talan in my heart. I can’t commit the time to getting to know a person when I want all of my free time to be spent with Mom. And really, how can I expect any guy to want to be getting to know me right now, when I am holding my Mom’s hand as she slowly shuffles toward her death? I am a hot emotional mess of neediness and desperation. That’s quite the baggage to unload on anyone. When it comes down to it, I don’t have much time left with Mom, anyway. It’s sad to admit, but I will have the rest of my life to find a new guy to love.

  My mother only has weeks to live.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I’ve been dreading this day for over a month. Amelia and Alan are getting married at Villa Sonoma today. Coralee hired me to make the bridal party beautiful, and they are paying me a pretty penny to make it happen. I still wish I could call in sick instead of show up.

  I’m a coward.

  I feel like a freaking convict on the run as I drag my kit from the parking lot to the bridal room, wearing sunglasses and avoiding any windows to the tasting room. I’m hiding from Talan. I have no clue if he will even be here on a Saturday, but I’m taking every precaution I can. What I think will happen if I do see him is a mystery. I just know I don’t want to chance it.

  I make it into the beautiful bridal room and set up without any sightings, so I feel a little more at ease as I start my day. I had met Amelia a few weeks back for her trial, and really like her. She’s laid back and easygoing, and much to her mother’s dismay, she couldn’t care less about the wedding.

  “You’re my bridechilla,” I tell her when she finally sits down for her turn to be airbrushed and curled. “You’re cool as a cucumber and happy to be getting married, rather than stressed about all of the details.”

  “Mom took care of the details, why would I worry about them?” Amelia asks, clearly not understanding how unusual she is. The entire room laughs at her oblivion, and we carry on with the preparations.

  I leave the bridal room hours later, well compensated and happy to have spent such a relaxing day of work with a great group of girls. They made my job easy, which is a relief. I’m checking my phone for texts from Mom as I pull my kit to my car, which is why I don't see him until it’s too late.

  “Bliss.” Talan’s voice is at once familiar and foreign, catching as if he didn’t expect to see me either.

  I nearly jump out of my skin, stopping short and looking around wildly. I had rehearsed possible meetings with Talan, and how I could make it out without having to talk to him, or at least come off as unscathed. My energy was in vain. I am left with my mouth hanging open and come up with nothing to say.

  My heart squeezes at the sight of him, the feelings I have pushed down springing back at once. He is so beautiful standing in the sunshine, the golden hills lined with grapevines behind him. He’s wearing his usual jeans and a button down with his sleeves rolled up, showing off those toned and tanned forearms I like so much. Scratch that—liked. I lost my ability to see him for more than the cheater he is a month ago.

  “Talan,” I force out, my words shaking. I swallow down the fear. I’m not afraid of him so much as I am afraid of what I will do. My body still very much belongs to him, as evidenced by the pooling heat in my groin as I remember how he mastered my body. Even my brain is having a hard time being in his presence and not hating him.

  “Can we talk, please?” he asks, still standing between the Mini and me. “Just give me a few minutes of your time, some answers, and then I’ll let you go and never bother you again.”

  I wrap my arm around my stomach, not sure how I can refuse. I should be beyond this already, but I never got my closure. He’s here now, asking for it. I nod my head, keeping my eyes on the ground. He moves slowly toward me, taking the handle of my bag and begins to pull it toward the car.

  His scent assaults my senses. Manly cologne mixed with sunshine warmed earth and him. That scent lingered on my clothes and body each time I left him, and trapped memories in my brain that escape their carefully padlocked cells now. They parade through my mind. Throwing me in the pool. Between my legs at the beautiful villa. The view of the Bay Bridge as he pressed me against the window before taking me back to his room. The exhilarating feel of holding on to him as he drove me all over the Bay Area on the Ducati. Him, taking me from behind over a barrel the last time I was here. It’s too much. My cheeks are flushed crimson, my breath coming in pants. My heart is breaking all over again as I remember seeing him with Nassim.

  “Why…?” My voice sounds thin and helpless, broken and bitter. “Why would you do that to me?”

  Talan stops walking and turns to me, his face an inscrutable mask of incredulity. “What is it you think I did, Bliss? Because I still don’t have a fucking clue. You’re breaking my damn heart and I don’t know how to fix it.”

  “I saw you. The day I got back from Vegas, I stopped at your condo. You were in the entryway of the building. With her.”

  Talan thinks for a second, and a light clicks on, the answers finally dawning on him. “You saw me with Nassim? That’s why you pushed me away?” he asks slowly, his fingers raking through his short hair.

  I nod, the hot tears pricking my eyes and rendering my voice useless as I become choked up. I clear my throat in vain, knowing I will still sound as weak as I feel. “You kissed her. She was touching you. How could you do that to me, Talan?” I clutch my chest as the feelings are renewed, the disappointment and regret colliding with hurt as a solitary tear slides down my cheek. I vow to let it be the only one he sees from me today. I blink wildly, mustering all of my strength for whatever he has to say in his defense.

  “Whatever it is you think happened, I want you to know I didn’t sleep with her.”

  I gawk at him. How can that be true? “But she was at your condo. You kissed her. You let her touch you in a way that was…too familiar.”

  “Can we talk about this somewhere else, please? I’d rather not do this in the parking lot.” He rubs his face and scans the area quickly. “Come with me to the villa.”

  He’s avoiding the subject. He wants to get me away from the prying eyes of his winery staff. I guess making a girl cry in the parking lot is bad for his rep. I don’t really want any more witnesses to my shame, so I agree. “I’ll follow you.”

  “Can you drive me? I don’t have my bike over here and would rather not take more time than necessary.”

  I look around also and don’t see the Ducati anywhere. It doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice. If I want my closure, I have to compromise. I nod and pop the unlock button for the car. Talan loads my kit in the back and climbs into the passenger seat.

  I have never hated my tiny car as much as I do when I sit behind the wheel and close us in a space that barely contains his body, let alone his energy. He’s barely bridled, a feral quality permeating his every action that was not there in the past. I chance a quick look at him as I drive up the hill to the villa. His teeth are set and he’s fidgeting, his fingers running over his thighs in a staccato beat. As soon as the car stops, he’s out the door and striding toward the villa.

  I get out slowly and follow him. I barely have time to take in the beauty of the entryway as I cross the threshold before his hands are on my face, his mouth claiming mine in punishing passion as he slams me into the wall. I gasp around the intrusion of his tongue. My hands clamp around his, intent to pull them away, but I can’t bring myself to disengage our k
iss. His tongue runs over mine like he’s taking his last meal. His lips part and allow my tongue entrance when I reciprocate. We spend what feels like an infinity together in a moment of ecstasy before I can bring myself to push him away. I shake my head as I cover my mouth, unsure how I could let that happen.

  “Did you see me do that to Nassim?” Talan asks, his chest rising and falling as he works to catch his breath. “No, you fucking didn’t. I let Nassim give me a friendly kiss here,” he points to the corner of my mouth where it meets my cheek. “Then she told me I needed to shave and get a haircut, which is why she touched my hair and face.” He runs his fingers through the hair at my nape and across my jaw, forcing my eyes closed at the innocent, yet intimate contact.

  I shake my head again. His explanation matches up with what I saw, but bends my own assumptions so far, what he is saying can’t possibly be true. “What was she doing at your condo?” My mouth gives an unsure voice to questions he hasn’t answered yet.

  Talan pulls at his hair and sighs. I’m either exasperating or he’s feeling guilty. “She had to stop at the tasting room on business, and needed to drop off some paperwork for me. I had been at the winery all week and had left in a rush to finally come home so I could see you.” Talan’s hand lifts toward mine, but drops back to his side. “I forgot about a distribution contract I needed to sign to send out that day. It couldn’t wait, so she brought it to me at home.”

  “Why would she kiss you? You said she doesn’t even like you.” I want all of the answers now that they are finally available. My own hands itch to run over his skin, but I manage to keep them to myself. I’m not ready for that, even if my body is.

  “She kissed me because that’s a Persian custom. She was grateful I have been helping Al battle his alcoholism. Until recently, it had been a close-kept family secret. She finally realized I want the winery to succeed as much as she does. I’m committed to every part of it, including her father. She was welcoming me to their family. She looks at me like a brother now, someone who has earned her family’s trust and respect.” His face is open, begging me to believe him. The weight of his truth settles on my shoulders, nearly crippling me with my own wrongness.