I Remember

by Julie Cannon

  “Congratulations,” she finally said. “Is it their first?” Her question sounded like she was being merely polite, but for some reason she felt that if it was important to Dana, it was important to her.

  “Sort of. They’ve been foster parents for several years, but yes, this is their first. If Lauren has her way it’ll be the first of many. Her partner, Elliott, on the other hand, is still a bit shell-shocked.”

  Dana’s laugh filled the air around Emery. The sound was comforting and exciting at the same time. Dana laughed often in the office and her stomach fluttered every time she heard her. At times she even intentionally said something to Dana to produce that wonderful sound.

  Dana looked at her watch. “I’ve gotta run,” she said, already moving past Emery. “See you later.”

  She watched her hurry down the hall and paid special attention to make sure her mouth wasn’t hanging open as Dana’s hips swayed. Unlike most of the women who wore three-inch heels, Dana was graceful, her strides even and confident. Emery’s mind flashed to a similar scene when Dana, this time naked, walked out of her bedroom to get something cold to drink. The muscles in her shoulders were well defined, the slope of her back perfect, the curve of her hips enticing. She had no control over her pulse as it increased its tempo.

  She wasn’t expecting Dana to look over her shoulder. Dana stopped, her eyebrows arched in surprise, then quickly lowered into a scowl. Quicker than when she walked away, Dana closed the space between them.

  “Seriously? You’re checking out my ass?” Her eyes flashed temper but her words remained quiet and calm. “Stop it, Emery,” she added sternly before walking away again. This time she didn’t turn around.

  She bowed her head, closed her eyes, and pinched the bridge of her nose. She had to get ahold of herself. For the first time in her life her emotions were overriding her common sense. And that had never, ever happened in her professional life. How stupid and careless could she be? Anyone could have rounded the corner and seen the way she was ogling Dana. She wasn’t concerned about what people thought of her, but she had risked Dana’s reputation and that she would not do. She had promised herself and Dana that nothing would compromise her integrity.

  Appropriately chastised, she returned to her office. As she sat behind her desk she didn’t find the papers in front of her interesting. The blinking light signaling she had voice mail wasn’t important. The forty-seven items in her in-box were suddenly not imperative.

  She paced in front of the large window overlooking Mission Bay. She had rarely looked out this window with its view of the park and art museum. When she was in her office she was focused, dealing with the myriad issues, problems, and situations that only she had the answer to. She was drawn to her work, always scanning her e-mail, calling people, glad-handing and cultivating business associates. Work was her life. It gave her meaning, a purpose, and she thrived on it.

  But lately, she didn’t feel the same zip, the same sense of excitement for what the day would bring. She was losing her patience more often, which had never happened before, and she found herself cutting off people if they didn’t immediately get to the point.

  Restless, instead of waking before her alarm she often hit the snooze button. Several times she actually overslept, her sleep patterns off due to her dreams of Dana—or, more accurately, Dee. For the first time in her life she felt as if she was missing something. But she was afraid to find out exactly what that something was.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Emery glanced up at the light knock on her door. Dana was standing in her doorway.

  “You wanted to see me?”

  Goddamnit, when was her heart going to stop jumping every time she saw Dana? “Yes, come on in, close the door.”

  Emery didn’t get up from her chair behind her desk. Normally when she had people in her office, she directed them to the couch and chairs around the low table in the corner. It was a much more casual atmosphere and Emery liked the energy that was generated there. Sitting behind her desk signaled her link in the power chain, and she didn’t like using it unless she absolutely had to.

  But when Dana came into her office she did. She knew it was just a façade, but she needed this hunk of wood to help her maintain her professionalism, to keep her emotional distance from Dana. When she had staff meetings she always made sure Dana was sitting on the same side of the table so she wouldn’t be as distracted. She made sure something or someone was between her and Dana and grudgingly admitted it was a complete waste of effort. Her body responded just when Dana stood on her threshold, let alone sat in front of her in a skirt with her legs crossed, exposing far, far too much skin for her to ever be able to concentrate.

  She took several swallows of water from the bottle on the corner of the desk and made her brain focus. She glanced at her notes in front of her. Whenever she planned to have a one-on-one conversation with Dana she needed to take notes because her mind always turned to mush. She was a successful executive of a multi-billion-dollar company who could do an off-the-cuff interview with The Wall Street Journal, give highly technical and complex speeches in front of thousands of people at conferences, and comfortably celebrate the birthday of the payroll clerk on the third floor. But when she was alone in a room with Dana, she turned into someone she had never known or would recognize as herself. She just wanted to listen to Dana talk, to hear her voice. Watch her hands move as she described something, watch her eyes light up when a thought or a concept energized her. Dana existed in her business life and Dee lived in her dreams.

  “Emery?” Dana asked.

  “Yeah…um…” She stumbled. She wanted to say, “I want you, Dana. To hell with the auditors, to hell with Martin and anybody or anything that gets in my way of having you again. I think about you all the time. I can’t sleep without you next to me, I can’t concentrate, I can’t imagine my life without you.” Instead she said, “Stephenson Electronics has proposed a merger.”

  “A merger? A company that’s about ready to have the bank close their doors wants a merger with Martin? That’s the kind of thinking that got them into the situation that they’re in,” Dana said dismissively.

  “I know.” Emery tried to get her mind back on track. “But this is a great deal. Their stock is worth pennies on the dollar. If we don’t take them someone else will. And they have come to us. I’ve been talking with Phil Michaels, their CEO, and I think he’ll agree that this would not be a merger. This is a straightforward acquisition. And now we need to make it happen.”

  “What do you want me to do?” Dana asked, opening her notebook and uncapping her Mont Blanc pen.

  Kiss me, touch me, make love to me.

  “I want you to lead this acquisition.”

  “Me?” Dana looked surprised.

  Only you.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  Just say yes.

  “I’m flattered that you think I’m capable of handling this since I haven’t been here that long.”

  “Yes, you.” Emery replied confidently. “You are smart, have a good head on your shoulders, and know what questions to ask. You see the big picture and, most importantly, can get others to see it as clearly as you do. You hold people accountable and get things done. You’re highly respected already and I think you can handle it.”

  Dana looked a bit shell-shocked but quickly recovered, and Emery could practically see her thinking through all the things she had to do.

  “Excuse me, Emery,” Adam said, sticking his head into the office. He turned his attention to Dana. “Dana, you wanted to know when Samuel Warrior called. He’s on hold.”

  “Thanks, Adam,” Dana said hesitantly, looking at Emery.

  Emery waved her hand as if shooing Dana out the door. “Go ahead. We’ll talk about this later.”

  “Thanks again, Emery, for your confidence.” Dana stood and, with one last glance her way, hurried out the door.

  Emery put her feet up on the desk and leaned back in her chair. She was tired.
She’d had dinner at Julia’s but ended up spending most of the evening thinking about Dana.

  “Sit down, Emery. Your pacing back and forth is making me nauseous,” Julia had said.

  She’d stopped, realizing with a start that she was on the other side of Julia’s living room. The last thing she remembered, they were finishing dinner in her kitchen. Julia had kicked off her sandals and tucked her model long legs under her on the couch.

  “Sorry,” she said sheepishly, quickly crossing the room and sitting in the overstuffed chair across from her BFF. “I guess I’m more keyed up than I thought.”

  “I’ll say. You hardly said three things during dinner and you look like you’re about to jump out of your skin.”

  “Sorry,” she said again, leaning back and putting her feet up on the ottoman. She crossed her ankles and tried to focus. She felt bad. Julia’s schedule was crazy yet she had carved out enough time to invite Emery over for dinner and to catch up on their lives, and she had responded by being a total space cadet.

  “Spill it,” Julia said without preamble, gathering her long brown hair up into a loose ponytail. “Something’s obviously eating at you, and I’m not letting you out of here until you tell me what it is.” When Emery didn’t immediately answer, Julia fixed her dark eyes on her and asked, “Is it work? Some design that isn’t working that you have to ride in and save the day and fix? An asshole government legislator breathing down your neck? Some newly discovered indiscretion you need to get your hands dirty cleaning up? Jeez, I thought you were done with those oozing out of the woodwork?” Julia spoke as if she had a mouth full of something distasteful.

  Emery usually talked with Julia about the problems at Martin and about her personal life as well. Well, that was before she accepted the Martin job and actually had a personal life.

  When she didn’t immediately answer Julia asked, “Are you feeling okay?” Emery felt guilty for making her look so concerned. Even though Julia was a pediatrician, she had kept careful tabs on Emery when she was in the hospital. She had conferred with her doctors and helped her wade through all the medical jargon and options.

  “I’m fine. Really, I’m feeling fine,” Emery added when the concern remained after the first time she said it. “It’s nothing like that.” Julia had severely chastised her for ignoring her body’s repeated messages to take care of herself.

  “Then what is it? Something’s obviously troubling you.” Julia sat back looking like she could wait all night until Emery was ready to talk.

  She didn’t know where to start to describe the turmoil she was in. She had never felt like this. Always confident and sure of herself, she was now unsure, conflicted, on edge, anxious, and hesitant. The beginning was probably the best place, she decided. “Remember the woman I met on the cruise?”

  “The one you called your cardiologist about asking if it was okay to have sex even though you were supposed to be resting? That woman?” Julia raised her eyebrows as if saying, “You devil, you.”

  “Yeah, that woman.” Emery had called her doctor after the first evening with Dana. Somehow she had stumbled through asking if it was okay if she had sex. The last thing she wanted was to have a heart attack in some strange woman’s cabin. Her doctor had cautioned her that unless she felt dizzy or light-headed or any of the other symptoms that had led her to the hospital in the first place, sex was okay. In fact he recommended it as a means of relaxation.

  “Her name was Dee. Actually her name is Dana, and that’s part of the problem.” Julia remained quiet.

  “We…uh…got together on the cruise…uh…quite a bit and she told me her name was Dee and I told her my name was EJ and we didn’t say much of anything else about ourselves personally and to make a long story short, she now works for me.” Emery finally took a breath.

  “Run that by me again.” Julia leaned forward in her chair.

  “She works for me.”

  “No, the part about you hooked up, how did you phrase it, quite a bit?”

  “Julia, that’s not the problem,” Emery stated firmly.

  “We’ll get to that later.” Julia waved her hand as if to brush off that topic. “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I want to hear all about it. Every single detail.”

  “No, you don’t.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because if it has been that long you couldn’t handle it.”

  “Holy shit,” Julia said, fanning herself with her hand. “Try me.”

  “Julia.” Emery was exasperated. She appreciated Julia’s attempt to lighten the mood, but she felt anything but jovial lately.

  “Okay, we’ll save that for two bottles of wine on the patio. Skip to the part about how she works for you.”

  Emery proceeded to lay out for Julia the chain of events that led up to her current state of confusion, even saying it sounded unbelievable how things had turned out the way they did.

  “So, other than the obvious need for secrecy, what’s the problem?” This time when Emery didn’t answer, Julia filled in the silence. “Is she blackmailing you?”

  “What? No, of course not.” Surprisingly that thought had never crossed her mind.

  “Then what is it?” Julia asked, seeming totally confused. Recognition then dawned on her face. “You’ve fallen for her!”

  Emery winced. “Jeez, Julia, do you think you could’ve said it a little louder? I don’t think your neighbor two doors down heard you clearly.”

  Julia looked appropriately scolded. “Sorry, but holy crap, Emery, you’ve never fallen for anybody.”

  “I have not fallen for her. It’s just that…”

  “It’s just that you’ve fallen for her and you have no idea what to do about it.”

  Julia was partially right. She had had many relationships with women but none of them serious. The sex was always very good in the beginning but she grew bored quickly. That and her impossibly crazy work hours did little for building a relationship. But she had not fallen for Dana.

  “I have not fallen for her,” Emery repeated.

  “Okay, I’ll let that point drop for now. Tell me, what have you done?” Julia’s eyes grew wide before she said, “You slept with her again!” This time Julia at least had the decency to whisper her last statement.

  “For God’s sake, Julia!” Emery’s frustration came through and she barked at her. “You asked me a question about a hundred years ago, and if you would stop speculating and shut up I’ll tell you.” She took a couple of deep breaths to regain her composure.

  “We’re going to do an acquisition and I want Dana to be the project lead.” That wasn’t so hard, once Julia let her talk. She wasn’t close to many people and worked very hard to maintain her image of always being in control and never doubting her own decisions. Julia was the only person she felt comfortable enough with to let her guard down.

  “And that’s a problem because…?”

  “Because she’s only been at Martin for a few months.”

  “And?”

  “And she’s never done an acquisition with us. She doesn’t know our processes or systems.

  “And?”

  “And I’m not sure I’m thinking clearly,” she finally admitted.

  Julia frowned, her classic look as she concentrated on something. “So let me paraphrase what you just said. You’re afraid to give her the job because you don’t know if it’s because you had sex with her, and we’ll get back to that part of the conversation in a minute, or if you don’t give it to her it’s because you had sex with her and don’t want to show her any favoritism. Is that it?”

  “That’s a mouthful but pretty much it.”

  Julia thought for a few moments. “Is she smart?”

  “Very.”

  “Does she have experience with this kind of thing?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does she know who to talk to and how to ask the right questions? Know where to go to get the answe
rs?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then what is the problem?”

  Emery thought for a few minutes. Yes, Dana had never done an acquisition at Martin but that didn’t mean she couldn’t. Emery could help her through the unfamiliar aspects and then let her run with it. “I guess there isn’t one.”

  A knock interrupted Emery’s thoughts and Adam opened the door enough to stick his head in. “Excuse me, Emery. It’s a little after three and the auditors are here. I put them in the conference room. Everybody is there.”

  Emery glanced at her watch. Jesus Christ, Emery, get your head together. “That’s right. I’ll be right there. Thanks, Adam.”

  Since the scandal at Martin Engineering the government auditors had taken claim to the entire fourth floor to review every conceivable record, piece of paper, and electronic file, and sometimes they sat in meetings to ensure that Martin was not engaging in any illegal or immoral activity.

  On a quarterly basis they reported on their findings. The first several quarters were filled with dozens and dozens of examples of what could have very easily been simple errors of judgment or errors in calculations. However, with the trouble Martin was in, the auditors didn’t view it that way.

  When Emery came in as CEO she took a one-strike tolerance stance. This meant that every individual had one opportunity to make one mistake as long as it was in fact a mistake. The second incident of a similar nature and the individual was fired. It quickly became known that she would accept nothing less than for every Martin employee to conduct every transaction with as much honesty, professionalism, and accuracy as was humanly possible.

  Every quarter the auditors’ reports had fewer items of concern. Last quarter, the number was less than a dozen, and Emery had seen to it that those areas were addressed with the appropriate action immediately. This quarter she expected the number of incidents to continue to decrease.

  She shook the day-dreaming cobwebs out of her head, grabbed her notes, and several minutes later entered the conference room. Sitting at the head of the table, which was her customary place for these meetings, she opened her notebook and glanced around the room. Her senior staff was there, including Dana, who was sitting next to the only female member of the audit team. The meeting went about as Emery had expected it would, and several members of her staff walked away with action items to follow up on discrepancies or questions the auditors had identified.