Diary of a Wimpy Vampire

by Tim Collins

  He also says that some vampires could mesmerize animals such as dogs and cats and use them to attack enemies. I’m not convinced that it ever really happened, but I know that many dogs and cats were accused of consorting with the undead and banished from towns in the great vampire purges of the nineteenth century, so they’ve still got good reason to hold a grudge.

  9PM

  My parents want me to play the piano for them but I don’t feel like doing anything for those liars. I used to quite enjoy family music nights, but I don’t often find myself in the mood any more. And my dad always makes the same joke of saying, ‘The children of the night, what music they make’, in the style of Bela Lugosi from the old film of Dracula.

  I’ll stick to my PlayStation, thank you very much.

  MONDAY 21ST MARCH

  Craig lent me a new game today where you have to shoot zombies. It’s rated ‘18’ so Dad wouldn’t let me buy it, even though I’m more than five times that age. It was quite a spooky game with atmospheric music, although it spoils the effect if you know that zombies couldn’t do much harm to you even if they were real. I’d like to see one of that shambolic lot try and ram a stake through my heart.

  I glanced in my sister’s room this evening and caught her acting out a vampire scene with her Ken and Barbie dolls. She’d fashioned a cape for Ken out of a sweet wrapper and a couple of fangs using the ends of cocktail sticks, and she was making him chase after Barbie and feed on her neck. I watched her for ages before she spotted me. When she did, she got angry and slammed the door so hard it came off its hinges, so Mum and Dad made me fix it as a punishment.

  I can’t believe Mum and Dad punished me for something she did wrong! I would have complained if I felt I was dealing with rational and intelligent beings.

  TUESDAY 22ND MARCH

  We’re having a Parents’ Evening on Thursday and I’m dreading it. I know Mum and Dad will do something embarrassing. I think I’ll ask them to sign the form to say they’re staying away like Darren’s mum does.

  I gave Craig his zombie game back today as I’ve already completed it on hard mode. He was very impressed by how quickly I did it, and it made me wonder if I do have vampire powers after all, but only for computer games. I’m sure the extra eight hours’ gaming time a night I get because I don’t sleep has something to do with it, though.

  We’re supposed to analyse an article in a newspaper as our homework for Media Studies, but I forgot to buy one and the only papers I could find in Dad’s study were ancient and yellow. I think it would confuse everyone if I did my homework about how The Times covered the sinking of the Titanic.

  WEDNESDAY 23RD MARCH

  Luckily, the Media Studies teacher was off sick today, so it didn’t matter that I hadn’t done my homework. Even better, an old retired teacher called Mr Pilkington came in to cover, and he said that Media wasn’t a proper subject and we were all wasting our time. He said that we didn’t get taught properly these days and that he was going to give us an hour of real education for once. He then spent the lesson asking us about the British Empire. I was the only one who knew the answers, because we used to do all that stuff in school fifty years ago. Mr Pilkington said that I was the only true patriot in the class and I felt really proud. But then I got worried that I would get beaten up for being a swot, so I shut up.

  I am totally dreading Parents’ Evening tomorrow. I hope Chloe doesn’t see us and realize what a family of freaks I’m from.

  THURSDAY 24TH MARCH

  Mum and Dad came to Parents’ Evening wearing really embarrassing clothes. Dad wore a velvet suit and frilly shirt from the nineteenth century, and Mum wore a ballgown from pre-revolutionary France. For all the attempts at blending in they made, they might as well have turned up in a pumpkin carriage drawn by bats.

  On the other hand, their supernatural allure did at least inspire my teachers to paper over some of the weaker aspects of my performance. Mr Wilson clearly took a shine to mum, and said that I applied myself very well in Maths, even though I got 11 out of 20 on the last test, and that was only because I’d done it before. Mr Morris said that my work in History was excellent, even if I sometimes embellished it with imaginary details about what life was like in the early twentieth century. Even Mrs Bowles said I was a joy to have around in cookery class. A joy to have around? I spend every lesson on the verge of throwing up into one of the bins as the food smells assault my nostrils. I couldn’t be less of a joy to have around if I dragged my nails down the blackboard for the entire hour.

  I made a big effort to keep Mum and Dad away from the gym where Mr Jenkins and the PE staff were grunting through their meetings. The last thing I need is for Dad to let it slip that I’m not really ill, and put me back at the mercy of that torturer. As we were leaving, I saw Mr Jenkins standing on the gym fire escape and staring at us with great interest, so I herded them quickly away.

  I’d forgotten about the hypnotic effect Mum and Dad have on humans. Maybe I should introduce them to Chloe, and see if their mesmeric attraction extends to me by association.

  FRIDAY 25TH MARCH

  We were watching a DVD called Life During Wartime in History today, and guess who turned up in it?

  I did ! And so did the rest of my family !

  There was an archive clip showing how children had to go and live in the countryside during the Second World War, and you could clearly make us out in the corner of the frame. We’re usually good at avoiding cameras, but we must have missed that one.

  I hope nobody spots this and works out we’re immortal. We’ll end up getting driven out of our home by irate townsfolk. Plus, I still owe a considerable library fine in the last town we lived in, and I wouldn’t want that to catch up with me.

  It didn’t look like anyone in the class noticed, though I couldn’t help but wonder if I saw a slight look of confusion on Chloe’s face. Is she beginning to suspect my true nature?

  Step into my dark web of forbidden desire, Chloe darling...

  SATURDAY 26TH MARCH

  1PM

  I have bought a book called The Secrets of Success with Women. It must contain some very big secrets as the man on the cover has terrible hair and looks really sleazy. The techniques must be powerful indeed if they helped him get a girlfriend.

  6PM

  I have finished the book now, but it didn’t contain any secrets. It just said that you have to make eye contact, smile a lot and touch women’s arms when you talk to them. I’ve heard this kind of advice bandied about for over eight decades now, and it’s easier said than done. Also, the author made several stupid generalizations about dating in the past, a subject that he can’t possibly know about. He said that it’s harder to find girls now than it was in the sixties, the age of ‘free love’. Well I lived through the sixties and, take it from me, it was just as impossible to approach girls back then. I wish someone had told me where all this free love was going on.

  SUNDAY 27TH MARCH

  My parents announced that we’d be going on a family hike today, and I foolishly agreed to join them. They took it upon themselves to dash up a rocky slope and I attempted to follow. I misplaced my footing, fell hundreds of feet down and broke my arm. It was really annoying and took almost five minutes to heal.

  Obviously, as a vampire, I can’t really be harmed unless someone chops my head off or rams a stake into my heart, but I can still get temporarily injured. I was hit by a car in the eighties, and I broke so many bones it took me almost twenty minutes to recover. I was inside an ambulance by then, and I had to wait until it stopped at the lights to run away. The whole situation was incredibly embarrassing, and it certainly made me think twice about crossing the road without looking.

  At least I’ve never had a really serious accident, though. They say that Roderick of Colchester lost all his limbs in the Battle of Balaclava, and it took a week for his severed arms and legs to crawl their way across the battlefield and reattach themselves. It must have been a real hassle.

  On th
e way back to the car we passed a group of ramblers who were really staring at us. I wish Dad wouldn’t wear his cape when we go hiking.

  MONDAY 28TH MARCH

  10AM

  In assembly today, the headmaster revealed the destination of our year’s school trip next week. It isn’t very good news for me, as we’re all going to the zoo!

  As animals hate me, a place filled with them is unlikely to be a suitable destination. Why do I have to get all the bad things about being a vampire, but none of the good things? I hate my life.

  Pretty much any other school trip would have been better for me. Unless ‘Chessington World of Garlic, Crucifixes and Vampire Slayers’ exists. But I know that if I stay behind, another boy will sit next to Chloe on the coach and chat her up. I simply have to go, and the animals are just going to have to put up with it.

  6PM

  We had a Drama lesson this afternoon and I was in a group with Si and Brian the goths.

  We had to devise a short piece to perform for the rest of the class, and Si suggested that we do it about vampires. He came up with a really corny idea about us emerging from coffins in a graveyard and boasting about the women we were going to bite. It was really inaccurate, and most of it was stolen from the vampire TV show they watch, but I couldn’t be bothered arguing so I went along with it.

  We performed our piece to the group, and Si and Brian put on hammy Eastern European accents. What is it with these Eastern European accents everyone does when they pretend to be vampires? We’re deadly immortals, not plumbers! In the days before the vampire purges, there were covens in places as far apart as New Orleans, Paris, Alaska, Stockholm and Santa Carla. Admittedly, there was a coven in Transylvania, but it was by no means the only one.

  After our piece, the Drama teacher Mrs Stokes said that it was good overall, but that I didn’t put in as much effort as Si and Brian!

  This is so humiliating. I know I make a less convincing vampire than my parents, but I didn’t expect to make a less convincing vampire than a pair of smelly goths!

  TUESDAY 29TH MARCH

  Today I hung around with the tough gang and won some street cred. Bet you weren’t expecting that, were you?

  Jay and Baz from the tough gang were making everyone play a game called ‘Mercy’ where you have to link fingers with someone else, and then press forward with your wrists until the other person says ‘mercy’. Jay grabbed me as I was on my way to the library and said I had to play. He expected that I would give up and scream for mercy in seconds like everyone else he had been terrorizing, but I didn’t even wince as he bent my palms back. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the strength to mount a counter-attack either, so we just stood there for a couple of minutes like we were holding hands. Eventually, Jay gave up and put his hands down, and Baz said that under the rules of Mercy, I was the winner.

  Jay said I was ‘alright’ and ‘not as bad as the other weirdos’ and I gratefully accepted his compliment. Word of my astonishing victory soon travelled around the school, and in some versions of the story, I even made him beg for mercy. The stories made me sound really heroic and I hope they reached Chloe’s ears.

  WEDNESDAY 30TH MARCH

  4PM

  Mr Jenkins is getting on my case about my continuing absence from PE. He came to the library at lunchtime and harassed me. He asked me if I was coming to his lesson today, and I said I wasn’t. He really boomed the question out, probably because he’s never been into a library before and doesn’t know you’re supposed to be quiet. He then touched his hand to my forehead and admitted that I felt cold and unwell. Thank you vampire temperature for getting me out of another miserable PE afternoon!

  Mr Jenkins walked away, but he kept shooting suspicious glances back at me. You can tell he really hates me. If I ever have to attend another one of his lessons, it’s going to be hell. I must think of a better long-term strategy to escape him.

  2AM

  Craig has lent me a new PlayStation game, but I didn’t realize until I started playing that’s it’s about vampires. I’ve been playing it for a few hours now and I’m really bored. I’m worse than those people who drive home from work and immediately start playing driving games.

  THURSDAY 31ST MARCH

  1PM

  I intended to take my usual seat next to Chloe in Art today. However, when I arrived I noticed that Wayne was already sitting there.

  To make things worse, the only seat left was next to Darren, and it’s common knowledge that you’ll get fleas if you sit next to him. In the end I had to construct a fleaproof barrier between us with an easel.

  I started to get worried about Wayne as I watched him sitting next to Chloe. Craig once said he was a ‘smooth operator’, whatever that means. But I doubt Chloe would have been impressed by his artistic skills. All he ever does is draw pictures of the tattoos he wants.

  6PM

  Mum and Dad have been out hunting, and they’ve brought back some lovely type O- blood. Dad tried to tell me about the man he’d siphoned it from, but I didn’t want to know. It always puts me off to find out about the people blood comes from. This is another reason why I don’t want Mum and Dad to hunt in this town. Nothing is more likely to make me lose my appetite than finding out the blood I’m drinking came from the sweaty bloke who works in the all-night garage.

  Dad’s very old-fashioned about who he feeds on and he still follows the hierarchy of victims laid out by the Vampire Council, which commands that you snack on people according to their status in society. So, for example, you can feed on a labourer whenever you feel like it, you can only feed on a merchant when you’re ravenous, and you can never feed on a king.

  It’s a really silly and old-fashioned system, which lists ‘apothecaries’, ‘costermongers’ and ‘falconers’, but not computer programmers and call centre workers, and it’s based on the sort of class system that our beardy History teacher Mr Morris gets angry about.

  In fact, the whole thing is completely unjust, and if I think about for a moment longer it’s going to put me off this lovely blood that I’m currently enjoying.

  FRIDAY 1ST APRIL

  Today I asked Chloe to be my girlfriend and she agreed. I sank my teeth into her neck and drank from her jugular in the library at lunchtime. She’s agreed to join me as a vampire and she’s moving in next week.

  April fool!

  All joking aside, I expect to be referring to Chloe as my girlfriend in all seriousness soon, as I’m planning to make a move on her during the school trip.

  SATURDAY 2ND APRIL

  I went out for a walk around town this afternoon and I ended up going past the old people’s home. I know I sometimes complain about how boring immortality can get, but I’m glad I’m not going to get old. They all looked so bored staring out of the window and nodding off.

  Perhaps I should stop moaning about my life and appreciate the good things about it. I’ll never go bald, I’ll never get fat and I’ll never develop a taste for chunky knitwear. Plus, I’ll have a girlfriend for the very first time as soon as I get round to asking Chloe out. All in all, things are looking up.

  SUNDAY 3RD APRIL

  I went downstairs to get some blood from the fridge this afternoon and I saw Mum and Dad snogging on the sofa. It was so disgusting I nearly lost my appetite. You’d think that after 200 years of marriage, the spark would have gone, but they’re still all over each other.

  I think part of the reason why Dad appreciates Mum so much is that he had so many problems with vampire women in the past.

  One of his ex-girlfriends was a psychic vampire who kept getting in bad moods with him over rows they hadn’t even had yet, and she even locked him out of the house for forgetting their next anniversary. In the end, she came right out and told him that he was going to split up with her and that he didn’t want to see her again.

  Another of his ex-girlfriends was both telepathic and a constant nagger. If she wanted him to put up some shelves or clean the house she’d repeat the message in his
brain for hours on end. Even when he went out he couldn’t escape it.

  But worst of all Dad’s ex-girlfriends was the one who had mind-control powers. Dad said that he would often come round in a daze and find himself buying her an expensive gift. He couldn’t even relax in front of a game of wrestling, boxing or shin-kicking without being struck by the urge to go home and have a cosy night in.

  After all that hassle it must have been a relief to go out with a normal vampire.

  MONDAY 4TH APRIL

  We’ve all got to be at school for half past eight tomorrow morning so we can get on the coach for the zoo trip. I’m going to wait there from eight to make sure no one else sits next to Chloe. The last thing I want is for Wayne to worm his way next to her and be a ‘smooth operator’.

  I will offer Chloe the window seat, to show to her how selfless and caring I am. I shall even buy some of those boiled sweets she likes.

  Tomorrow’s going to be good for me. I can sense it.

  TUESDAY 5TH APRIL

  Let’s just say that the school trip wasn’t a resounding success.

  As we got on the coach, I made sure I was sitting next to Chloe. I could see Wayne wanted to barge in, but I didn’t let him. Chloe and I had a good chat on the journey there and I demonstrated my maturity by resisting the temptation to laugh when the coach went past a tramp and Craig told Darren to wave at his dad.

  Anyway, we had a nice enough journey, but the zoo itself was a disaster. As soon as I stepped through the turnstile, I could hear yelps of panic coming from the cages. I asked Chloe to hang back with me, so we could break away from the other pupils.