The Rom-Com Collection: The Plus One, Something for the Weekend, A Marriage of Connivance

by Natasha West

  ‘Just say you hate it.’

  ‘No, no, no, no, I don’t hate it.’

  Caitlin raised an eyebrow at Zoe. Zoe couldn’t help it. She began to laugh.

  ‘OK, I do. I hate it. I think it’s crazy ugly’, Zoe spluttered through her laughter. Caitlin joined in, Zoe’s laughter had always been infectious to her.

  Once the laughter subsided, Caitlin took another swing.

  ‘Yeah, maybe it is ugly. But don’t you think it’s got that ‘So ugly it’s actually kind of cute’ thing happening?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a thing’ Zoe said sceptically.

  Before Caitlin could retort, her mobile buzzed.

  ‘To be continued’ she warned as she stood to take the call in the bedroom. Zoe watched her walk away, admiring her bottom. She couldn’t believe she could look at that outstanding bottom any time she liked. She’d spent so many years trying not to stare at it, the luxury of full access seemed outrageously decadent.

  She began to flick through the colours again as she listened to the gentle sound of murmurs coming through the door. As she listened, she thought she heard something in Caitlin’s voice she’d never heard. It had taken on a formal quality.

  After a few minutes, Caitlin came out of the bedroom, beaming from ear to ear.

  ‘From the smile on your face, I’m assuming that wasn’t a sales call?’ Zoe asked.

  ‘It was the craziest thing. This lady, her name’s Samantha Frost, she owns a bespoke jewellery company and she said she saw my stuff on Etsy. Wants to meet with me tomorrow to see if I’d be interested in designing some pieces for her company.’

  ‘That’s incredible.’

  ‘I know, right?’ Caitlin said as she began to google Samantha’s company ‘Vindictae’ on her phone. She found the website quickly. ‘Looks pretty legit’ Caitlin said as she tapped around the site, checking out the stuff she had for sale. It was nice. Maybe her own stuff would be on there soon too? And from there, who knew? Caitlin’s mind took her on a fantasy tour of success and riches as she imagined the possible consequences of this meeting. And then Caitlin remembered something that dragged her back down to earth with a bump.

  ‘Shit!’

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘All my stuff’s at the old flat. I need to be able to take samples so she can see it in person. That’s professional, right?’

  ‘Right’ Zoe agreed. ‘Nothing for it. You’ll have to go get it.’

  Caitlin’s face fell. She’d been having such a nice day, pottering around Zoe’s flat in her underwear, waiting for her to come back from the bank. And when she’d gotten home, they’d ordered a pizza which they didn’t eat because they were so busy making love in the bedroom that they hadn’t heard the hallway buzzer. Then they’d simply ordered another, which they’d eaten on the sofa with the TV on. Then some light banter over colour pallets. It had all been so beautiful.

  And now she would have to deal with Jordan.

  Jordan herself was looking at her laptop at that very moment, checking out the website for ‘Vindictae’ while Ellie looked over her shoulder, marvelling.

  ‘That’s amazing. And you knocked that up in a few hours?’

  ‘Easy as pie. Some swishy looking graphic design, a few pics grabbed from free image sites and boom! Totally real looking company.’

  ‘Do you think it might have been a little on the nose to call the company ‘Vindictae?’

  ‘If you think for a second that Caitlin is ever going to realise that it’s Latin for ‘Revenge’, then you’ve massively overestimated her.’

  ‘But it’s a silly risk, I just worry that-’

  ‘It’s the little things in life that bring us pleasure. And dangling the truth right underneath Caitlin’s greedy little nose, knowing full well she’ll be too blinded by her own ambition to see it, it’s all part of the fun.’

  Ellie considered it. Jordan had a point. It was a delightful thought.

  ‘Alright. But let’s agree now, we shouldn’t push our luck too much. We don’t want to be undone by hubris.’

  ‘Undone By Hubris. That’s what they’ll call the TV movie they make about this.’

  Ellie snorted with laughter as her phone beeped. It was a text from Janice.

  ‘Bait taken. Operation Vindictae is go.’

  Ellie smiled at the message. Janice was clearly having fun.

  ‘Caitlin has apparently responded well to Samantha Frost’ Ellie informed Jordan, who looked up sharply from her laptop.

  They locked eyes as they both realised that all the talk was over. They’d actually done something. It was a tiny step, part of a much larger journey, but at that moment, they both felt like they’d taken the first steps onto the moon. It was really happening.

  Another beep, this time from Jordan’s phone, broke the moment. Jordan read the message.

  ‘She’s coming over. Caitlin, that is.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Right now.’

  ‘Now?’ Ellie screeched.

  ‘Yeah. You better get out of here’ Jordan said, as she slapped her laptop shut. If Caitlin saw the Vindictae website up on her screen, the game would be over before it really got going.

  ‘I still don’t know why they can’t know I live here’ Ellie protested.

  Jordan turned ten unnecessary degrees in her swivel armchair and placed her fingertips together in a mock villainous pose.

  ‘Because we don’t want them to know that yet. I’d like to use the reveal of that information quite strategically, if possible’ Jordan said in a low voice full of malice. Then her voice went back to its usual sardonic tone. ‘By the way, if we’re going to do this properly, I really think I should get a cat to stroke at these moments. Do you think you can rent them by the hour?’

  Ellie chuckled but she knew that even though Jordan was trying to frame it as a joke, she was being serious. Jordan was clearly committing to this if she was thinking so long range.

  ‘I’d better get out of here then. Wait, where should I go?’

  ‘Café on the corner. Get gone, would you? She could be here any minute.’

  Ellie grabbed her coat and ran out.

  After Ellie had been gone a few minutes, Jordan found herself wandering aimlessly around the flat, unsure of what to do while she waited for Caitlin.

  Eventually, she landed on twiddling a plant pot, turning it so that the greenest, lushest part was visible to the room. And to Caitlin. After ten seconds of doing that, she realised why she was doing it.

  Caitlin had given her the plant a year ago, purchased with the groceries. At the time, Jordan had been suspicious of the gift. Why had she given her a plant?

  Jordan wondered if it was some kind of test of her character. Would she be able to keep it alive? Was she responsible, a good person? A person like the best friend Caitlin was always banging on about, the infamous Zoe (then merely an irritation, not the solid object of hatred that she was now) who was a proper adult with a real career and a mortgage, not just a dog walker with artistic dreams.

  Never mind that Caitlin herself was no more an adult than Jordan was. Jordan just had this sense that she was being compared. Thinking about it now, Jordan knew that she’d obviously had some concerns about the friendship, albeit unconsciously.

  So Jordan had cared for the plant with a conscientiousness that had bordered on the obsessive. If it was a test, she didn’t care about failing or passing. It was more like the greater the plant flourished, the more of a ‘Fuck you’ it became to Caitlin and her assessment.

  And then one day, Jordan had point blank asked Caitlin why she’d gotten the plant.

  ‘Oh, that? It was on offer, I think. They were practically giving it away. I thought it would cheer up the living room a bit. So bloody dark in here.’

  So that was that. The plant had meant nothing to Caitlin. And neither did Jordan, as it turned out. But that didn’t mean that Jordan couldn’t give it her own meaning. The plant was still flourishing without Caitlin.
And so was she. It was still the ‘Fuck you’ plant it had always been, Jordan thought with satisfaction.

  A knock at the door made Jordan jump a foot. She felt immediately angry with herself for feeling so ridiculously nervous. She took a deep breath and then opened the door.

  Caitlin stood there, all five foot nothing of her, and by god did she look good. She was practically glowing. It shocked Jordan briefly but she shook it off quickly.

  ‘Come in if you’re coming, would you? You’re letting the heat out.’

  Caitlin sighed and walked in, stopping in the middle of the room. She turned to watch Jordan shut the door and then lean against it with her arms folded.

  ‘How are you doing?’ Caitlin asked gently.

  ‘Who me? Awesome, thanks.’

  ‘Really?’ Caitlin asked sceptically.

  The bloody arrogance of that ‘Really?’ piqued Jordan no end. It was just one word, but Jordan could read the unspoken part of it quite easily. ‘Are you sure you’re not falling to pieces without me, the person who gave zero shits about you?’ But Jordan refused to give her the satisfaction of indulging it for a second.

  ‘Absolutely’ Jordan said confidently. ‘Every day’s a parade of hot strangers coming through here since you left. I’ve had more sex in the last few days than we had in the last few months. God bless Tinder.’

  Caitlin gave Jordan a condescending smile, a smile that said ‘Sure you are.’

  Jordan felt her blood begin to bubble, heating to the point where you could boil an egg in it. She opened her mouth, ready to let rip. She didn’t even know what she was going to say. She’d know once she’d said it. It would be whatever nasty thing she wanted and then it would be out of her body, the poison drained if only for a moment.

  But she stopped. She pressed her lips tightly together, sticking a mental padlock on them. She threw away the imaginary key to the lock for good measure.

  Sure, she could give Caitlin a reaming. But what was the point? Caitlin might be upset for five seconds and then it would all be over. And Jordan had something better in store for her.

  It was insane how easy it had been for Caitlin to walk in here and piss Jordan off to the extent that Jordan had managed forget the plan for a second. With only a handful of words, Jordan’s brain had been temporarily incapacitated.

  ‘Exes’ Jordan thought. ‘Am I right?’

  But even if she wasn’t going to let rip on Caitlin, she still needed to cultivate a jealous ex-girlfriend vibe. Otherwise, Caitlin might begin to wonder why she was suddenly so calm.

  ‘I packed your stuff up to make this quicker. It’s over there’ Jordan said as she gestured to four bin bags sat in the corner of the living room. Caitlin looked at them, relieved. She could be out of here in a matter of minutes, with minimal interaction, if she played this correctly. This didn’t need to ruin her night.

  ‘Yeah, I thought maybe it was time to pick up a few things. Things I might need.’

  ‘Well, if you’re going to use our sex toys with Zoe, I’d run them through the dishwasher first.’

  ‘Jordan…’ Caitlin began, her tone admonishing. ‘It doesn’t have to be like this.’

  ‘Actually, it does. Just get your crap and get out.’

  Caitlin didn’t reply. Instead, she went over to the bags and began to poke through them.

  ‘Is my jewellery stuff in here?’

  There it was, Jordan noted with satisfaction. She wanted samples for ‘Samantha’. She felt a smirk begin to rise in her but she knew everything depended on being able to suppress it. If Caitlin got so much as a hint that she was up to something, this whole thing could be shut down pretty quick.

  ‘Need it for something?’ Jordan asked, super casually.

  Caitlin wondered if she should mention her meeting. But she couldn’t help it, she was bursting with excitement. Even the prospect of Jordan shitting on her good fortune couldn’t dampen her enthusiasm.

  ‘Actually, I’ve got this meeting. I might be doing some designs for a company. Could be cool.’

  ‘Congratulations’ Jordan said unpleasantly. ‘Things are really working out for you, aren’t they? First Zoe, now this? The gods have indeed smiled.’

  ‘Jordan, let’s not-’

  ‘By the way, what happened to the sperm?’ Jordan broke in suddenly.

  Caitlin thought she’d misheard.

  ‘The what?’

  ‘No, it’s just, I was thinking about it and I remember that Ellie and Zoe had some sperm on order. And I just keep wondering… Did they throw it out? Or what?’

  ‘Err, I…’ Caitlin stuttered, flummoxed by the question, to Jordan’s gratification.

  ‘Or did she just stick it in the back of the freezer with the fish fingers?’

  Caitlin really hadn’t given any thought to it. And why on earth would she have to? That whole thing was over. What difference did it make what Zoe had done with the sperm?

  ‘I didn’t know if maybe… Well, now that Zoe has a new girlfriend, that maybe that person, you, might be the new receptacle for Zoe’s little yuppie babies.’

  Caitlin shook her head.

  ‘We literally just got together. We haven’t talked about any of that stuff. It’s way, way, way too early.’

  Jordan nodded. But gosh, wasn’t that a lot of ‘Ways’?

  ‘Yeah, I guess. Well, you better get going. I’ve got a date later; I need to get ready.’

  Caitlin picked up the bags, managing all of them in one go. Jordan held the door open for her as she walked out. She was pleased to note that whatever spring Caitlin had had in her step coming in, had lessened now.

  Caitlin turned at the door, ready to say goodbye. She hoped Jordan wouldn’t get too tearful. But Jordan simply said ‘See ya’ and slammed the door in her face.

  Caitlin walked back to her car and put the bags into the boot, squeezing them in gently. She climbed into the driver’s seat and began to pull the seat belt over herself, suddenly aware of a vague sensation, a disconcertedness. Something felt wrong. What was it?

  That whole thing about the sperm, it was patently ridiculous. Zoe wouldn’t expect her to have a baby, for god’s sakes. Caitlin pushed the thought from her mind. She was going home to give Zoe round two in the bedroom.

  But as she drove off down the road, the word ‘sperm’ lingered at the edge of her thoughts.

  At the café on the corner, Ellie was having a hot chocolate and wondering how long she should wait before going home. She’d have to ring ahead first, or possibly text, but it was a risky move. What if Caitlin saw Jordan’s phone readout and spotted her name? They really should have thought this through.

  But Ellie happened to glance out of the window just in time to see a silver Ford Ka whizz by. Caitlin’s features were visible for the briefest of moments but Ellie could have sworn there was an oddly distracted look on her normally placid little face.

  Had she imagined it? Or had Jordan planted that first seed of doubt with incredible effectiveness? Ellie drained the rest of her drink and practically ran out of the café. She couldn’t wait to get the details.

  ‘Oh, my god, she ate it up with a spoon’ Jordan said.

  ‘I bet she did’ Ellie nodded, delighted.

  She’d just had a word for word transcript of the conversation with Caitlin and she had to admit, Jordan had done a great job. She’d struck exactly the right tone. Ellie had been a little concerned about Jordan’s ability not to get swept up in her own emotions but clearly, that fear had been without basis. From the look on Caitlin’s face as she’d driven by, Jordan had nailed it.

  Ellie was pleased by how it was going so far. They’d planned out pretty carefully what would be said, together. And it had probably worked. They couldn’t know for sure yet, but it had looked promising.

  She wasn’t the only one feeling good. Jordan felt a buzz from this too. The high wasn’t just from the small success; it was from the knowledge that the partnership was working effectively.

  Both were a l
ittle amazed at it. Jordan and Ellie, people who lived on separate planets with entirely different gravity fields, might turn out to be a decent combination.

  ‘Well, partner, what next?’ Jordan asked.

  ‘Now, it’s all down to Janice. At least for the moment.’

  ‘You think she can pull it off?’

  ‘I think so. Did you get that earpiece thing?’

  Jordan went over to the sideboard, pulling out a package from the drawer.