The Rom-Com Collection: The Plus One, Something for the Weekend, A Marriage of Connivance

by Natasha West

Ellie could never have stood up to a stranger like that. She could barely ask for what she wanted from her nearest and dearest. Which she supposed was the whole reason she was standing in this alleyway in the first place.

  ‘Shit, I hope we haven’t missed anything crucial while we were dealing with that dick head!’ Jordan said.

  ‘It’s nice of you to say ‘We’ dealt with him. But it was all you.’

  ‘He was asking for it!’ Jordan said, sensing a criticism coming. Caitlin had always been telling her to take it easy on strangers who pissed her off. But she couldn’t help it. It was just who she was. Still, Jordan had come to know that whenever she pulled a stunt like that, she’d probably be arguing with Caitlin shortly afterward.

  But Ellie simply replied ‘Completely asking for it. Well done’ with a grateful smile. Then she turned her attention back to the conversation coming through the earpiece. Jordan shrugged off the thanks. But inside, she felt a flush of pride. Which she was immediately annoyed about.

  Janice and Caitlin were still conversing, and luckily Janice did not appear to be struggling without the intervention of the earpiece. She was going full steam, chatting away with Caitlin, who was clearly beginning to warm up to ‘Samantha’.

  Ellie and Jordan listened to them talking for a few more minutes before Ellie began to sense that the moment was coming when Janice might comfortably begin to probe Caitlin’s personal life.

  ‘Janice’ Ellie said into the mic. ‘Ask her about her studio space.’

  ‘So where do you work? Do you have a studio space?’ Janice asked and then slurped a sip of tea, shocking Ellie’s delicate eardrum.

  ‘At the moment, I work from home’ Caitlin replied. ‘Although I just moved, actually, so I haven’t picked out a space in the new place’ she added.

  Caitlin could have just stopped at ‘I work from home’ but she hadn’t. Ellie and Jordan both noticed it and understood what it meant. Rapport was beginning to build. In addition, they had the perfect in.

  ‘Ask why she moved’ Ellie instructed.

  ‘You moved recently? That’s always a nightmare. Agents, moving vans…’ Janice led.

  There was a pause.

  ‘Actually, it was a lot easier than that. In a way. I moved into my girlfriend’s place, so it was a pretty easy transition.’

  ‘I bet it was’ Jordan muttered bitterly.

  ‘Oh, that sounds nice. Have you been with your girlfriend long?’ Janice asked casually.

  ‘Yes and no’ Caitlin replied. ‘We only got together very recently but we’ve known each other since we were pretty young.’

  ‘How romantic!’ Jordan said to Ellie in mock surprise.

  Ellie smiled with one side of her mouth and said ‘Isn’t it, though?’

  They shared a brief unified look and then turned their attention back to the earpiece.

  ‘How romantic!’ Janice unknowingly echoed, although without detectable sarcasm. Ellie and Jordan could practically hear Caitlin’s tender hearted blush coming down the mic.

  ‘It is, yes. We’re completely in love’ she gushed.

  ‘I’m gonna puke up a lung if I have to listen to much more of this’ Jordan said with a deep sigh.

  ‘Then let’s not’ Ellie replied and then spoke into the mic. ‘Ask why it took them so long to get together. But go easy.’

  ‘So, how come you waited so long. If you don’t mind me asking?’ Janice parroted.

  ‘Well, it’s been a long time coming. I think we’ve always loved each other. But life gets in the ways sometimes.’

  Ellie and Jordan, as the ‘Life’ in question, both frowned bitterly at that.

  ‘So I guess you’ve got a lot of catching up to do?’ Janice probed.

  ‘Yes we do. We’re probably going to Paris for the weekend next month.’

  Ellie had had enough of this. She spoke into the mic once more.

  ‘Janice. Pull the trigger.’

  ‘Are you planning to get married?’ Janice asked.

  ‘Oh, I don’t…’

  ‘Or perhaps that’s a bit traditional’ Janice corrected herself. ‘Maybe you’re going straight to the baby stage?’ Janice said, as though it were a light hearted joke. But of course, that’s the last thing it was. And apparently, Caitlin agreed. Because the comment was met with a silence.

  Ellie worried she’d been too hasty. Jordan, sensing Ellie’s slight panic, grabbed the mic.

  ‘Janice, pull it back a bit. Don’t want to spook her. Imply that you’ve crossed the line and apologise.’

  ‘Sorry, is that too personal?’ Janice immediately said.

  ‘No, no, no, no…’ Caitlin assured, obviously not wanting to offend her potential employer. ‘I’m just not sure what the answer to all that is. It’s funny, you’re the second person to mention the future to me in the last twenty-four hours.’

  ‘That is funny’ Jordan said, acerbically.

  ‘Well, I suppose I just assumed. Perhaps you’re too young to be thinking about that’ Janice said.

  ‘Yeah, I’m only thirty-five.’

  ‘Oh!’ Janice said with surprise. ‘I suppose I thought you were a little younger than that.’

  ‘You did?’ Caitlin asked uncertainly.

  ‘But it’s different for everyone’ Janice said, as though trying to be comforting.

  ‘Janice, say this and say it exactly like I’m saying it’ Jordan said decisively into the mic. Janice waited and then the instruction came. ‘I’m sure your girlfriend isn’t even thinking about any of that family planning business. Like you said, you just got together. You should just be having fun while you can’ Jordan said in a light, un-Jordan tone.

  Janice repeated the sentiment, imitating the delivery precisely.

  ‘Yeah, err, yeah, I guess so’ Caitlin stuttered, her first truly nervous moment of the ‘Interview’.

  Ellie looked at Jordan and gave her a silent slow clap of approval. Jordan had played Caitlin like a fiddle.

  Jordan took a brief, proud bow.

  ‘Janice, you can start to wrap it up now’ Ellie said into the mic.

  Janice began to wind down the meeting, informing Caitlin that she liked her designs and that she’d be in touch soon. She’d been pre-instructed to leaves things on a positive note, open for a later stage of the plan. Caitlin sounded relatively cheery as she said her goodbyes to ‘Samantha’ and left the café.

  ‘The cuckoo has flown the nest’ Janice spoke into her lapel mic, hidden in a broach.

  ‘Good work’ Ellie said.

  ‘Yeah, nice work, Janice’ Jordan added, leaning over Ellie’s shoulder.

  Caitlin climbed into her car and the feeling she’d gotten last night; it was back again. ‘God dammit’, she thought. ‘I’m supposed to be blissful right now! I should be overjoyed to have the thing I waited forever for. But other people keep fucking with it!’

  But other than the disconcerting comment about marriage and kids, Samantha Frost had seemed alright. And Caitlin was pretty sure she’d made a good impression on the woman, both personally and with her designs.

  But the whole ‘starting a family’ thing, it was really starting to chap Caitlin’s arse. Who cared what anyone else thought, she decided. She was going to simply go home and ask Zoe what she actually thought about it. That was the only way to deal with this nonsense. Head on.

  Zoe was sitting in the living room when Caitlin got back, reading the Financial Times.

  ‘How did the meeting go?’

  ‘Great. You’re not planning to knock me up, are you?’

  Zoe’s eyes nearly fell out of her head.

  ‘What?!’

  ‘I know you and Ellie were planning a baby. More than planning. And what did you do with the sperm?’

  Zoe’s grip on her paper tightened, tearing it slightly.

  ‘I… Where’s all this coming from?’

  Caitlin shrugged as she sat down on the sofa.

  ‘I’ve just been thinking, that’s all.’

  ‘L
ook, we just got together. It’s too early for that’ Zoe said shortly.

  Caitlin’s relief was immediate.

  ‘It is, isn’t it?’

  Zoe went back to her newspaper, feeling like she’d just managed to get the pin back into a grenade before it blew the room up.

  ‘But what did you do with the sperm, out of curiosity?’

  Zoe sighed.

  ‘I don’t even know. I probably threw it away.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Are we done with this now?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Zoe shook her head and turned her full attention back to an article on the FTSE.

  Caitlin felt somewhat comforted by Zoe’s apparent lack of interest in the topic of babies. And yet there was one word in the conversation that niggled her. But this time, it wasn’t the word ‘Sperm’, it was the word ‘Probably’.

  ‘I probably threw it out’ Zoe had said. Wouldn’t you know if you threw out some sperm, Caitlin speculated. It wasn’t an empty wine bottle. It was human effluvia.

  The question lingered in her mind for the rest of the evening, making her quiet.

  Zoe could sense that something was up. And it probably had something to do with that crazy question Caitlin had thrown at her when she first came home. But Zoe was not going to raise that topic again. She’d already come far too close to having a family with the wrong person. Now was the time to slow down. Not too much of course. She was in her mid-thirties, after all. But Zoe thought she’d probably just freeze her eggs and think about it again in five years.

  But not now. Now was the time for love and sex, not marriage and babies. All that could wait.

  Chapter Ten

  Jordan and Ellie were waiting outside Zoe apartment’s building, sitting in Jordan’s van.

  ‘I feel a bit conspicuous in the van’ Ellie complained. ‘If Caitlin sees it, she’s going to recognise it.’

  ‘It’s a non-descript, unmarked white van. Even if she spotted it, she’s not going to think twice. It’s about as common a vehicle as you can get.’

  ‘Even if she sees us sitting in it?’

  ‘As soon as we see her car leaving the building, we’ll duck. OK?’

  They’d been sitting outside the building for about twenty minutes, waiting for Caitlin to leave. They’d already seen Zoe drive away in her BMW (with a presumably new set of un-popped tires), so they knew she was out of the way.

  But Caitlin was less predictable. Jordan knew she had yoga on Thursday mornings. But sometimes she skipped it. They hoped today would not be one of those days. They needed the flat empty.

  ‘Is that her?’ Ellie asked, squinting at a silver Ka.

  ‘Yes. Down!’

  Jordan and Ellie quickly dropped their heads down by the gear stick and waited. Ellie began to realise how close her head was to Jordan’s. Close enough to smell her perfume. It smelled good. The word ‘edible’ popped into Ellie’s mind.

  For Jordan, the phrase she was struggling with was ‘goose bumps.’ But she tried to shake the feeling off. It was probably just the excitement of the impending naughty act they were about to commit together. Anyone would have felt a little stimulated.

  ‘Do you think she’s gone?’ Ellie asked, anything to break how awkward she felt being so close to Jordan.

  ‘Have a peek’ Jordan instructed.

  Ellie slowly raised her head. The Ka was gone.

  ‘Clear.’

  Jordan sat up.

  ‘Ok, I reckon we’ve got about ninety minutes in there before Caitlin comes home. Let’s get Stage Two done.’

  ‘Thank god you kept that key’ Jordan said as they stepped into the hallway of the apartment.

  ‘Don’t thank anyone yet. We’ve still yet to find out if she changed the alarm code’ Ellie reminded her as she began to punch numbers into the beeping alarm box, praying that Zoe would never suspect that she’d come back here.

  One, seven, eight, four, four… Ellie paused. The last number would set the alarm off if it was wrong. She hit ‘Six’ and waited. After the longest two seconds in human history, the red light switched to green. Ellie let out the breath she’d been holding.

  ‘I guess she’s not that suspicious’ Jordan said.

  ‘That or she doesn’t think I’d ever be a threat to her’ Ellie said.

  ‘Would you like Zoe to consider you a ‘threat’?’ Jordan asked, amused.

  ‘It would be kind of nice, yes. Not like a murderer or anything, but maybe just a little bit of a worry’ Ellie replied defensively.

  ‘Come on, killer’ Jordan said genially. ‘Let’s get this done and get the fuck out of here.’

  Ellie nodded and followed Jordan into the kitchen.

  Jordan dropped her bag on the kitchen island and Ellie sucked in an involuntary breath of shock.

  ‘What’s up?’ Jordan asked.

  ‘Sorry, seeing you put your bag on that kitchen surface gave me a Pavlovian response. Zoe hates anything like that. I was frightened to put food down on it sometimes.’

  ‘Is that so?’ asked Jordan, looking at the island anew. She began to run her finger along the black granite surface.

  ‘Jordan. Don’t’ Ellie begged.

  ‘I’m not doing anything.’

  ‘But you’re thinking about it.’

  ‘Of course I am. I was picturing what it might be like to take a long, steaming hot piss on this counter…’

  ‘Jesus!’

  ‘…but I’m not going to DO it, obviously. We’ve got bigger fish to fry. Chill, would you?’

  ‘We’re breaking and entering. It’s hard to be ‘chill’ right now.’

  ‘Technically, it’s just entering. We used a key.’

  ‘I doubt the police will get too hung up on that distinction. Can we just get on with it?’

  ‘Alright, spoil sport. Have you got the thing?’

  Ellie reached into her bag and bought out a small medical sample bottle, filled with a white substance. She handed it to Jordan.

  ‘What is that, anyway?’ Jordan asked.

  ‘It’s glue from the nursery, mixed with a bit of water. And I got the container at a chemist.’

  She held it up, examining it carefully. It easily passed for a container full of sperm.

  ‘It looks convincing, but if they crack that bad boy open, the jig is probably up.’

  ‘Then let’s hope that they don’t have a desire to sniff it.’

  ‘When you put it like that, I suppose it is quite unlikely.’

  Jordan popped the sample into her pocket as she opened the fridge and examined its contents, finding what she was looking for. Orange juice.

  ‘When Caitlin comes back from yoga, she always has an orange juice and a banana so she’ll come straight to the fridge the minute she gets back.’

  ‘But we need her to open the freezer compartment before Zoe can. And we need her to find our little gift when she does.’

  ‘Right. So when she gets here, she’s going to find…’ Jordan trailed off as she turned to the sink and filled a glass with water. She tipped a little around the bottom of the fridge, leading the drips out further into the kitchen, so they’d be spotted as soon as Caitlin walked up to the fridge. ‘…a leaking freezer. We’ll leave the door open a little so it will seem like someone didn’t shut it properly.’

  ‘Which Caitlin will think she did, because Zoe would never do something like that. She’s too anal.’

  ‘Precisely. So Caitlin will have to open the freezer to clean up her mess. To hide her mistake.’

  Jordan opened the freezer and began to stack the food from the top shelf into one corner of it, pushing it in tightly to create a kind of spring load, with frozen peas at the front of the stack. It barely stayed in place, which was the point. On top of the packet of petit pois, she carefully placed the sample jar, the final piece of the tableau.

  Jordan closed the freezer door, just shy of it being properly locked.

  ‘And when she opens it…’

  Jordan
pulled the door open a few centimetres. The peas immediately fell out, along with the container. Jordan turned to Ellie.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘You’re kind of a genius at this’ Ellie said admiringly.