1 Who, What, Where, When, Die

by Amanda M. Lee

  Jake was contemplative for a second. "When was this taken?"

  I shrugged. "Had to be this morning. I spent an hour cleaning up before I came here."

  "You know this means someone is watching you, right?"

  "What do you mean watching me? They just took a picture. It's no big deal."

  "No big deal?" Jake looked incredulous. "They just didn't take your picture. They've left two notes, they know where you live and they obviously followed you here and know what you drive."

  I hadn't really thought about that.

  "Listen, I want this taken to the department right now," Jake ordered. "Derrick is on duty and he can put a rush on processing."

  I wanted to argue with Jake, maybe it's just my nature, but I opted not to. I had a feeling it wasn't the right time. And, truth be told, I didn't like the idea that someone had photographed me without my knowledge this morning.

  "Okay, I'll drop it off on my way home."

  "Try not to touch it," Jake admonished.

  "I'm not an idiot."

  "All evidence to the contrary." Jake was gone then, though I noticed he turned back briefly to make sure I'd gotten into the car safely before he left. He could be a good guy when he wanted to be. It was rare, but it did happen.

  I got into my car and headed for the sheriff's department, which actually wasn't far out of my way. As I drove I tried not to think about Jake and Candy in Sephora. It left me with a sick feeling in my stomach that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was fairly certain it was jealousy, but I would never admit that out loud.

  When I pulled up the sheriff's department, I parked in Jake's reserved space. After all, I knew where he was and I didn't feel like walking. I entered the main door and immediately walked up to the cop in the bulletproof glass enclosed bubble.

  "Hi, I'm Avery Shaw, I'm here to see Officer Jackson."

  The cop shushed me and continued to pore over his paper work, which I had a sneaking suspicion was probably all for show. Typical cops.

  I pressed my face against the bubble. "Umm, Sheriff Farrell sent me here you know? I was just with him."

  Still, nothing.

  "Listen, I have a yeast infection and I need to get home and scratch so do you think you can do your job?"

  Officer Stuck-up finally stopped what he was doing and regarded me with his full attention. I smiled and nodded. "Can you say itchy?"

  The cop got on the phone, said a few short words I couldn't make out, and then turned to me. "He'll be out in a second."

  I nodded and then moved to go sit down. I took in his face, and apparent worry that my supposed itchiness was catchy, but opted not to sit down, after all. It just wasn't worth it.

  Within a few minutes I saw Derrick come out of the locked door and usher me in. "The sheriff called me."

  I didn't say anything at first, merely handed over the picture, which I had only handled by the upper right corner, to Derrick. "I think he's over-reacting." I really didn't, but I was supposed to be tough.

  "What about the gun?"

  "I have to wait two more days for it."

  Derrick just grunted in acknowledgement.

  "Well, this will take a little while to process," he said, looking at the picture and smiling. "Nice outfit."

  I ignored him.

  "The hair is impressive, too. You give up grooming altogether these days?"

  I continued to ignore him.

  "Is there anything else?" Apparently he noticed I wasn't leaving.

  "What's the deal with Jake and his Barbie Doll girlfriend." Yes, I'm shallow, I know.

  Derrick smiled, clearly amused. "I wouldn't call her his girlfriend. In fact, he really only dates someone for about three months and then he moves along. He's one of those guys who will never settle down. I wouldn't worry about it."

  "I'm not worried about it," I gave him a pissy look. "I was just curious. I met her at the mall and she's clearly not a MENSA candidate."

  "And you are?"

  "I didn't say that! Why do you twist everything I say?"

  "Why do you care?"

  "You're such an asshole."

  We both knew I didn't mean it. Well, maybe I meant it, but it wouldn't last. I inherited my dad's temper. I anger quickly but get over it quickly, too.

  "I have to go anyway," I said. "I've had enough of men for the day. I think I'm going to go home and just play video games for the rest of the afternoon."

  Derrick and I said our snarky goodbyes, an exchange I was sure would be continued at the next family dinner, and I quickly exited the building. I got a dirty look from one of the deputies when he saw me pulling out of Jake's private parking spot. I pretended I didn't see him and moved on.

  I was glad when I got home. Nothing sounded better to me than slipping into some yoga pants and playing The Force Unleashed on my Wii. I decided to have a quick lunch before anything else. I can get lost for hours when I play video games.

  I rummaged through the refrigerator, decided on a Stouffer's macaroni and beef meal (my version of comfort food) and a container of creamed spinach. Yes, I know, I have eclectic food taste. I can't help it.

  After lunch, I sat down on the couch to watch the last few minutes of my DVR'd General Hospital and accidentally fell asleep. It was a nice nap, filled with dreams of Jedi Knights liberating One-Eyed Willie's pirate ship from The Goonies. Guess my dreams liked to mix genres, too, what can I say?

  I woke to find that it had gotten dark. That was some nap. I also noted that something felt . . . off. There was nothing obviously wrong, but I could just feel that there was something wrong. It was an icky feeling.

  I slowly got up from the couch, trying to be careful to maneuver around the coffee table and not make any noise. I didn't want to turn on the outside light because it would probably scare away someone -- if there was someone even out there.

  I made my way to the front window and tried to peer out without moving the blinds too much. I gasped when I saw a dark figure move across my front porch. I was frozen with fear for a second and then I got mad. I was going to have to beat the crap out of this guy.

  I moved away from the window and carefully picked my way through the house and to the back door. I silently opened it and snuck to the garage. I reached inside the door and grabbed the first thing that I could get my hands on. It just happened to be a shovel. It would do.

  I crept over to the far side of the house and made my way towards the front, trying to hide in the foliage. I peeked my head around to see if I could see the man -- yes, despite my women's lib, I assumed it was a man. Despite the darkness, the light from the main drag a few blocks away cast an ominous pall over the figure.

  He wasn't very large, but he looked huge in the darkness. Plus, he was wearing a knit baseball cap in the middle of summer. That just screams criminal, doesn't it? I quietly crept up behind him as he was kneeling at the bottom of the steps to my front porch. I couldn't see what he was doing and I really didn't care.

  I screwed up my courage, took a deep breath, and swung. The shovel made a horrific clang as it made contact and the figure dropped to the ground with both arms and legs splayed beneath him. I kind of felt nauseous.

  Instead of checking on the status of the figure on the ground, I backed up and slipped to the side of the house to catch my breath.

  I shakily reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone and hit number three on my speed dial.

  Jake picked up on the third ring.

  "Get over here now," I hissed, trying to keep as quiet as possible.

  "Avery?"

  "Yes, Avery. I know you have Caller ID, don't be stupid."

  "Is this a personal call?"

  I stopped for a second. Did he think this was a booty call? More importantly, was he up for that? I shook my head and returned to the problem at hand.

  "I wish." Well, that was a stupid thing to say. "There was someone in front of my house so I hit him with a shovel. I think he's dead."

  Jake was stunned.
"Is this for real?"

  "No, I thought it would be fun to give myself a heart attack."

  "Why didn't you call the police?"

  "What do you think you are?"

  "I'm not the local police though," Jake sounded irritated.

  Now I was annoyed. "Can you get some help over here for me or not?"

  "I'm doing it now. Do not go near the guy. Lock yourself in your house until the police get there." Jake hung up and I could almost hear the disgust in his voice as he did.

  Well, I could play that game, too. I wouldn't go in the house, just to show him. Really, I was too scared to move, so instead I just sat on the ground and hid behind the rose bush on the side of the house.

  It seemed like it took forever for Roseville police to get to my house. Real time? Two minutes. I could see the swirling lights and hear footsteps as they exited vehicles and ran to the guy on the front porch.

  I gathered all the energy I could muster and somehow managed to get back to my feet -- however shaky the stance was. I carefully made my way around the house and staggered right into two armed cops.

  "Are you alright?"

  I nodded breathlessly as I saw another cop lean over the body on the front walk.

  "He's breathing."

  I let out a sigh of relief.

  "An ambulance is on the way."

  Emboldened by the four cops on my lawn, I suddenly felt brave. I moved over to the side of the cop by the body and looked down as he illuminated the culprit.

  I sucked in a breath as I recognized the guy. It was Lando Skywalker from the concert the night before. Great, I didn't really think he was a criminal mastermind. I did, however, think he was probably the toilet paper mastermind.

  Well, crap.

  Eleven

  By the time the paramedics arrived, Lando had regained consciousness and he was pretty pissed off. He was gesticulating wildly as the paramedics strapped him down to a gurney.

  "I want to press charges! That crazy woman almost killed me."

  "I almost killed you!" I was incredulous. "What were you doing sneaking around my house in the middle of the night?"

  "That's a pretty good question."

  I looked up to see that Jake had arrived. I wasn't exactly his biggest fan at the moment, so I studiously avoided eye contact.

  Lando turned to look at Jake and seemed to blanche a little at the sight of him. Despite his youth, Jake exudes confidence and is a pretty imposing sight -- when not flashing his heart melting dimples, that is.

  "He was doing something at the bottom of the stairs, rooting around like a little rodent, maybe he was putting a bomb there or something." I was trying to be helpful, I really was.

  Jake rolled his eyes.

  One of the police officers came up holding something I couldn't quite make out in the darkness but my imagination thought I saw a blinking light and a big dial counting down to something. What can I say; I watch a lot of MacGyver.

  "See, it's a bomb."

  "It's a bouquet of roses."

  "What?"

  Jake smirked. "See, this is why you're single. You hit the men who want to date you with a shovel."

  I glared at him and then turned to Lando. "What the hell?"

  Lando had regained his defiance. "I don't want to date her. She's old."

  "Old?"

  "I was dropping off the flowers as an apology for last night."

  "Old?"

  "What happened last night?" Jake asked. "I'm almost afraid to hear this."

  "She upset me at the concert because she wouldn't buy me a beer and then she left with that big muscles guy," Lando started to explain. "You know he's probably on steroids don't you? That means he has a small dick."

  "Old?" I ignored the steroids comment.

  "That doesn't explain why you were skulking around her house after dark and leaving flowers laying around," Jake challenged Lando.

  Lando went on with his story. "I told my friends about her and they thought it would be a good idea to teach her a lesson. So we came over here and toilet papered her lawn. When I woke up today, I got to feeling bad about it and this was an apology."

  Jake smiled benignly. "You really do attract winners."

  I glared from Jake to Lando.

  "Well, if you don't need anything more from me, then you can go." I was feeling embarrassed, annoyed and agitated. Never a good combination.

  Jake waved at me and then turned to leave. "Yeah, I have a date to finish anyway."

  Well, that was a low blow.

  It took the paramedics and cops about fifteen minutes to get things together and leave. Lando had decided not to press charges and I had done the same. He was going to be taken to the hospital as a precaution. Despite his stupidity, I was glad he wasn't seriously hurt.

  I glanced at my watch as the cops pulled away. It was only 10 p.m. and now I was wide-awake. After swinging an actual weapon into a real person's head, I was in no mood to swing a fake one in a video game.

  I got in my car with no clear destination in mind. I ended up in downtown Mount Clemens, ostensibly to get a coffee. In reality, I was picturing Jake with Candy and I was really hoping to get a shot of testosterone of my own. The lights to Eliot's pawnshop were turned off, though. I was torn by disappointment and relief. I didn't know what I'd do in the same room with him anyway. It was a toss-up between ripping his clothes off and puking on his shoes.

  All of a sudden there was a sharp rap on my window. It was Eliot, and he looked even better than the day before. He was dressed down in worn denim jeans and was wearing a black tank top that completely showed off his muscular arms -- which were tattooed all the way up, I noticed.

  I rolled down the window with trepidation.

  "What's going on?"

  I didn't know how to answer that. I decided to lie. "I was hoping to get the gun. Tomorrow is the third day and it will be tomorrow in two hours so what's the harm?"

  "The law is the law."

  How could someone so cute be so annoying?

  "I guess you're going to have to hang out with me until midnight." His smile was slow and seductive. That made me nervous.

  "What did you have in mind?" I had a sudden case of dry mouth.

  "I thought I'd get you liquored up and then take advantage of you." He was direct, you had to give him that.

  I narrowed my eyes in mock disgust.

  "Or, I'll just buy you a beer." He gestured to the bar across the street. I blew out a sigh. I really could use a drink.

  I turned the car off, got out and turned to Eliot. "I want you to know that I'm doing this not because I want to sleep with you, but because I've had a shitty day and I really need a drink." Or ten.

  Eliot just smiled and ushered me across the street.

  The Vampire Lounge is kind of a dark little hole with live music. The owners had changed the name and theme numerous times -- including Barnacle Bill's when Pirates of the Caribbean came out. Now they were trying to take advantage of the vampire craze. Unfortunately for the owners, no one ever came to it whatever the theme. That was good for me, because I really wasn't in the mood for a lot of people.

  My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness and took in the clientele. There were a handful of hardcore regulars up at the bar and another couple fondling each other in the corner. No one I cared about either way.

  Eliot made his way to a table at the center of the room and I took a seat across from him. I was trying to avoid eye contact for some reason. I really didn't understand why.

  A cute little brunette waitress with ridiculously perky boobs and a flirty little smile came over to the table to take our drink orders. "Hey Eliot," she purred. "You want your usual?"

  He nodded with a friendly smile. "Sure Cammie. That sounds great."

  Cammie practically melted at his welcoming smile. It was sickening. "And you?" She was clearly talking to me, and yet she didn't look at me. Whatever.

  "Just give me a light beer. Whatever is on tap."

  "Sure,
" Cammie smiled at Eliot and walked away.

  "You have a way with women don't you?" It wasn't really a question. Eliot answered anyway.

  "I've never had any complaints," he agreed. "I could line up some recommendations for you, if you want."

  I didn't. I didn't bother thanking the waitress when she brought my drink either. She didn't even know I was in the room.

  "Do you need anything else, Eliot?"

  He shook his head, but patted her reassuringly on the arm as she left. What a whore.

  After Cammie went to pay attention to the handful of other customers, Eliot turned a thoughtful look to me. "You look like hell."

  "Thank you." Not.

  "I mean, you look like you've had a rough night. I don't think you could really look bad if you tried." Good thing he didn't see the bed head picture.

  "I've had a rough day."

  "Why don't you tell me about it."

  So I did. I have no idea why. Despite the fact that Jake said he was dangerous. Despite the fact that I barely knew him. I told Eliot everything that had happened over the past few days. Something inside me inherently trusted him.

  Eliot remained quiet throughout my entire story. Finally, when I was done, he leaned back in his seat and took a long pull on his beer.

  "That's quite a story."

  My eyes shot daggers through him. Was he calling me a liar?

  "Problem is, I have a feeling that this is just an average week for you."

  I didn't know how to take that. Truth was, aside from hitting Lando with a shovel, it really wasn't an odd week for me.

  "I guess I'm a little high maintenance."

  "Nothing wrong with that . . . as long as you're worth the effort." Good God this guy was sexy. The problem was, I am not exactly good at the flirting thing. Guys usually take it as the me acting like a spazz thing.

  Instead, I downed my drink and ordered another. It tasted good. "So tell me about you?"

  "What do you want to know?"

  "Well, for one thing, why does Jake hate you?"

  Eliot seemed to take the question in stride. "That's kind of between us."

  "Hey, I'm a reporter. Being a busybody goes with the territory."

  Eliot smiled. I guess I'm cute sometimes, too.