Best of 2017

by Alexa Riley

  The words felt like a blow to my face. I spun around. “Don’t ever say those words to me again. I trusted you! I don’t trust many, but I thought I could with you!”

  Quinn tried to grab my hand, but I quickly pulled it away. “But I do!”

  I didn’t want to ask, but I had to know. “Did you use me for fame or for money? Did you like all the glitz and glamor or were you just waiting for the big pay out with your book? Well, whatever. Bravo. Job well done.”

  Quinn looked as if she had just been slapped. “Please don’t do this. Don’t be mean.”

  Tears threatened to escape my eyes. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It was all I could do to not lose it and punch my fist through a wall. I had to leave before we made any more of a scene. I was humiliated enough.

  “Good bye, Quinn.” I nodded at my dumbfounded friends. “See you guys later.”

  I stormed out of the room without looking back.

  “Axel, please, don’t do this,” I could hear Quinn cry.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  DON’T FUCKING GIVE UP

  QUINN

  “HE’S GOT this all wrong! I swear I haven’t been faking my feelings just because of this stupid book.” The tears streamed down my cheeks, no doubt dripping make-up all over my face. The only thing I cared about right now was fixing things with Axel. I pulled my phone out of my purse and started dialing Axel’s number frantically.

  “Give it a moment, Quinn,” Knox said as he walked up and grabbed the phone.

  I looked at him and started to sob, desperately trying to catch my breath. “But I have to. I’ve never seen Axel so mad.”

  Knox nodded. “I’ve never seen him like that, either. You broke his heart.”

  “That was fucked up, Quinn,” Teddy said. “Axel really loved you.”

  I took a deep breath attempting to regain composure. “I love Axel. This was a stupid lie that I let get out of hand. I swear to you I wasn’t using him. I’ve been nothing but honest about my feelings with him.” I reached for my phone. “I need to let Axel know that.”

  “Were you ever planning on telling him? If it was no big deal, then why the hell keep the secret?” Teddy asked, disgusted.

  Teddy walked away toward the photo set without waiting for an answer. I wanted to crumple in a ball and just cry. I had allowed this all to happen.

  “If you want my advice, just leave Axel alone for a while.” The disappointment in Knox’s eyes stabbed at my heart. He turned without saying goodbye and walked toward Teddy.

  I released another wave of tears, but quickly dried them up when I noticed Jillian staring with vindication all over her face. I wanted to walk over and knock it right off. That little bitch loved every second of this. The sad thing was that I looked a whole lot worse in people’s eyes than Jillian did.

  I turned and made my way outside so I could call a cab for a ride home. I broke down again as soon as I felt the cool air hit my face. Anger replaced my sadness. I was so angry at myself for letting such a stupid and insignificant thing get so out of control. This was ridiculous! I had lost Axel over something so stupid, and it was all my fault. All I had to do was tell the truth a long time ago.

  Knox was probably right, I decided. Now was not the time to try to explain with Axel so upset. I’d wait until the morning to call him. I had nothing left in me to give anyway. I felt broken.

  But fuck it. I had to at least leave a text:

  AXEL, please! You have to hear me out. I’m so sorry. Yes, I came to LA with the intent of using you. Yes, my plan was to write a book. But things changed. They changed. I love you so much. Please call me. Please.

  QUINN

  GLAD TO BE home and away from the judging eyes, I reached for the glass of wine on the edge of the table and drank. I picked up the bottle of chardonnay and filled the empty glass, sloshing a bit on the floor.

  I stared at the darkness in front of me, allowing the tears to flow down my face. I took a healthy swig of the liquor, steeling myself for the truth.

  It was my fault. I lost Axel.

  I leaned back in my chair. “Fuck,” I muttered. I stared at my glass, berating myself for doing something so stupid.

  Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was past midnight. Time for bed, if it was even possible to fall asleep. Cradling the half empty bottle of wine under my arm, I flipped off the kitchen light, picked up the empty glass, and stumbled upstairs to my bedroom.

  Maybe one more text:

  I LOVE YOU. I know you don’t feel that right now. But I do. I really, really do. Please forgive me.

  I WAITED FOR A RESPONSE.

  PLEASE ANSWER ME. Don’t ignore me.

  I WAITED.

  AXEL, please! You owe me at least a text. Tell me something. Tell me to fuck off. Anything!

  I WAITED.

  SO, is this over? Really over? If I don’t hear from you, I have no choice but to know it’s over.

  NO RESPONSE.

  AFTER CLIMBING BENEATH THE COVERS, I poured myself one last glass, hoping it would bring on the desired narcotic effect. The sun was already coming up, but I needed at least a little sleep if I was going to be able to face the day. Leaning back against the pillows, I took a sip of the cool liquid, letting it soothe my palate. I swallowed, welcoming the warmth spreading in my chest, craving the oblivion that would erase the pain of losing Axel.

  Despair was the only thing left.

  Sleep would not come. Who was I fooling?

  I got out of bed and stumbled my way toward the kitchen. I needed to sober up and face reality. Trading booze for coffee was the only option.

  The high-pitched, ear-shattering ring of my phone had me reaching for it frantically. I held my breath, hoping it was Axel returning the messages and texts I had been leaving. I reached over and looked at my phone. It was Harrison. I had left several frantic messages for him as well.

  “Hello?” I stood at the kitchen sink, the cup of coffee in my hand, an ineffective antidote for my throbbing temples.

  “What’s going on? I couldn’t make out anything in your message. All I heard was crying.” Panic blanketed Harrison’s voice.

  Tears welled up in my eyes again. “I messed up, Harrison. I’ve lost Axel because I was a stupid fool.” The tears turned to loud, gasping sobs.

  “Calm down, take a deep breath,” he soothed. “What happened?”

  “I lied! I lied about this stupid book, and I kept it from him, and then it came to light in the worst way, and…” I blurted out the rest of the evening in a blabbering jumble of words, tears, sobs, and exhausted thoughts.

  There was silence on the other end, then a sigh. “I’m sure once Axel calms down, you’ll be able to explain,” he said. “But it doesn’t look good. That’s for sure.”

  I wiped at my eyes and blew my nose. I hoped he was right. The thought of being without Axel killed me.

  “It’ll be okay. You need to calm down, get some rest, and give it a little time. I’m sure he will forgive you.”

  “No, he won’t. He thinks I’ve been using him for this damn book! He thinks I did this all for fame!” My declaration, louder than I’d intended, caused an icicle of pain in my skull.

  “Well, if you love him as much as I think you do, you’ll just have to try your hardest to convince him of that.”

  I took a deep, consoling breath as I watched Felicity walk into the kitchen. Word of what happened had clearly made it to Felicity. I knew she had a lecture coming, or an “I told you so.” I quickly ended my conversation with Harrison, promising I would keep him updated.

  I sat down and tried to give a weak smile. Faking my happiness to my good friend would be futile, but at least I would try.

  Felicity frowned. “You look like shit. I take it the rumors I heard are true?”

  “Can we not talk about it?” I sighed as I sipped on my much-needed cup of coffee. “I already know what you are going to say. Yes, I know. I fucked up.”

  “Not an option,” Felicity declared as she grabbed a mug. “Why
didn’t you tell him?”

  I shrugged. “It’s over. I don’t see the point in discussing this any further. It is what it is.”

  “Bullshit.” Felicity actually looked angry. “I see how much you love him. Your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Don’t even try lying to me.”

  I grabbed a spoon and fiddled with it between my fingers. For the first time ever, Felicity made me uncomfortable.

  “Seriously, Quinn. I don’t understand why you have to be so damn stubborn. You love this guy. It’s obvious that you do. So why are you so determined to try to destroy it? Fight for him!”

  “It’s more complicated than just love. He feels betrayed.”

  She nodded in agreement. “As he should. But you can fix this.”

  “You didn’t see his face. It’s over now.” I took a drink before adding, “I’m not in the mood to hear a lecture. I’m letting you know that I’m leaving soon. I need to get back to San Francisco.”

  Felicity crossed her arms, leaned back in her chair, and glared in response.

  I shifted in my seat. “You look mad. Come on, Felicity. Don’t be mad at me.”

  Felicity continued to glare.

  “You knew I wasn’t planning on staying for long. I need to figure my life out and, well…”

  The silent glare from Felicity continued.

  “Stop staring at me like that! You’re making me feel bad.”

  Felicity took a deep breath before speaking. “This is typical Quinn.”

  I could feel my temper rising. “And what do you mean by that?”

  “You’re a coward. You’ve always had everything so easy in your life. So the minute it gets tough, you are just going to run back to Mommy and Daddy. Go back to the easy life. Nice and boring and safe.” Felicity had never sounded so blunt and harsh before.

  My temper boiled over. “You have no idea what you’re talking about! Not everyone can have Happily Ever After. Not everyone can have exciting. We all don’t live in a fantasy world!”

  “My life isn’t always a fairytale. But I take chances in life. I take risks on love and life and hopefully will someday reap the rewards.” She leaned forward on the table with a scowl on her face. “You’re stronger than this. You have to stop living in your little, young, naïve world. You need to stand up and fight for what you want.”

  “Axel made his feelings clear. He won’t even speak to me or return any of my texts—”

  “Oh, stop that line of bull!” she interrupted.

  I loved Felicity with my whole heart, but I had the sudden urge to rip her hair out. The truth of the matter was, I knew she had a point, but I still fucking hated it.

  “Maybe you’re right,” I softly admitted.

  Felicity looked up from her coffee with a satisfied smirk on her face.

  I tried to swallow the ball forming in the back of my throat. “But it doesn’t really matter now. I messed up, I managed to push Axel away, whether I like it or not.”

  “I’m not so sure about that. I think all you have to do is be honest with yourself and honest with him. I think you could work it out if you really wanted to.”

  I shook my head and fought back the building tears. “How? I lied. I chased him away when all he wanted to do was love me. He has no idea how much I love him and want to share my life with him.”

  Felicity reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “Then, tell him that. Swallow your pride and be honest. He’s worth that.”

  I looked down at my lap in defeat. “I’m not sure that I can. I all but begged, and he completely rejected me. You should have seen his eyes. I fucked up big time, and I don’t think there is a way to turn this around. I’ve called him so much, that I am two steps from stalker crazy.”

  “Well, I’m here for you. Even if you are stalker crazy.” She gave a warm smile, which forced one out of me as well.

  Felicity was a good friend, always had been. But sitting here with her made me suddenly realize how much I loved her. It was comforting to know I had someone to lean on. Many people didn’t like Felicity Dexter, but I always saw the good. Right now, I saw even more. Wisdom. Felicity might be a tad spoiled, and definitely self-centered, but her larger-than-life attitude pulled you in. She exuded confidence and spontaneity. And she’d always treated me with nothing but kindness and loving support. Her reputation was no secret. She was known for sleeping around and being sexually adventurous, but I suspected there was more to it than I knew. Regardless of her past, present, or future, she was my friend and always would be.

  She seemed to ponder my statement of defeat. “From the moment you met Axel, I saw the shadows in your eyes. Something has you scared, Quinn.” She reached across the table and gripped my hand. “You need to let go of your doubts. You have to believe you are good enough. That he is actually in love with you,” she urged. “You have a really good thing.”

  I swallowed and looked away. “You don’t understand what it’s like to be me. I doubt everything. Why would a man like that want to be with me? He could have anyone he wants, so why me? I’m not like you. You are so confident, so outgoing, and so sure of yourself. I have to fake my way through every social gathering. I live a fucking lie every single day, so it’s only fitting I fucked up the love of my life by lying.”

  When I didn’t say a word, Felicity gently squeezed my hand. “I want so bad what you and Axel have. I look on with envy. Not because he’s the famous Axel Rye, but because I can see the love between you two. I know I put off the image that I’m some big slut,” Felicity began, her voice breaking on that last word. “And I guess maybe I am. It’s true—I do experiment a lot… with people. I just… I feel lonely, you know? Have you ever been surrounded by people, yet you feel so alone?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. Alone was not a foreign feeling for me.

  “That’s how I felt all my life,” she confessed. Her eyes darkened to a stormy gray. “My mother ran out on us when I was six, my father was a drug addict, my older brother was overcome with rage and still is. And then I met Marshall in high school, and I thought life would be different.” She gave a weak smile. “So I married him at eighteen. I had a husband, a man who claimed to love me, a man who said I was the most important thing in his life. But he lied. Marshall was always gone, off with his buddies and other women. He didn’t spend any time with me. We were newlyweds, and all he wanted to do was be with anyone else but me.”

  I sat in silence, stunned by the confession. I never knew Felicity had ever been married.

  “I was bored. And lonely.” She took a sip of her coffee. “And I cheated on him. Call me heartless if you want, but I was weak. I just wanted someone to love me and give me attention. I didn’t want to be alone. I’d been alone my whole life. After a very short marriage, we divorced.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I guess you could say I’ve been trying to find myself since. I’m just trying to find someone to love me… as broken as I may be.”

  I wanted to reach out and hug my friend, but remained still so she could continue.

  Felicity picked up her coffee cup. “So that’s it, my sordid tale. You think I’m confident, that I have no insecurities? That’s a lie. I’m still the same timid little girl who cried and never got enough love. I’m a cheater, a liar, and I use people to fill my empty void. I’m not always proud of that, but it’s my truth. And I’m lonely. Really, really, lonely.”

  Although I didn’t agree with Felicity’s decisions on how to deal with her loneliness, I couldn’t feel anything but admiration and respect for the woman. And I couldn’t judge her, any more than she judged me.

  “You’re lucky, Quinn. You don’t have to be alone,” she said softly, still clutching my hand. “Don’t give up on Axel.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  FOOLISH FUCKING FANTASY

  AXEL

  I LEANED my head back against the leather seat and closed my eyes, only half-listening to the booming music of the club. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d last seen Quinn. Still
having to make a living, I had no choice but to make an appearance at the club where she worked. It wasn’t like I had anything to worry about. I had moved past Quinn. I had no choice.

  She had fucked me up bad.

  Bad.

  But I had no choice but to keep moving on. To do what I do.

  I sat there alone. Not that I couldn’t have found a willing partner to keep me company, but the idea held no appeal for me at all. After the heartbreak of Quinn, I was done with women for a while. Although the idea of meaningless sex to temporarily fill a void looked more tempting by the day. Nothing more, nothing less. I decided after Quinn crushed my heart that the whole “happily-ever-after” thing was just a foolish fantasy.

  My stare moved to the crowded bar at the other end of the club. I didn’t have to see Quinn to know she was there. Which was the reason I would avoid the bar at all costs. Plenty of people could stand between us, and I hoped I didn’t have to see Quinn ever again. The pain would be too much. I shrugged off the dark thoughts and leaned my head against the seat again, thankful for the crowd of people to provide a shield between the two of us.

  “Are you going to sulk all night?” Teddy asked as he sat next to me, handing me a beer.

  I shrugged.

  “Come on. You’re going to have to face her eventually. Avoiding the situation isn’t going to make it go away.”

  “It’s over. No need to dwell on it,” I replied as I took a large swig of the drink.

  “So, you don’t mind knowing that she’s over there working. I saw her.”

  I shrugged.

  “You’re going to lose her, man,” Teddy warned.

  “I already did,” I replied. I took a large gulp of the beer in front of him to try to numb the pain in my heart that Teddy was dredging up again. The past two weeks had been absolute hell.

  “No, I mean if you don’t get off your stubborn ass, she’s going to take off and head back to San Francisco.”

  “She’s leaving? What do you mean?”