Frozen Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  Looking into my eyes, he faintly says, “I never wanted to go at all; I only went for Josh, but after spending that afternoon with you…I don’t know. Something happened, but you never called, and I realized any chance I had to ask you slipped away each day that passed.”

  I had no idea he thought of me like that back then. Although, knowing this now, I doubt I could have changed the outcome. Chances of going to his prom would have been slim to none if my parents had any say in the matter.

  I’m not sure what to say to him to change the past, so I say the only thing I can think of at the moment. “Jeremy, I’m so sorry I never called you back after that night. Honestly, I had no idea you were interested. Had I known, it still wouldn’t have changed the last eight years. You still would have gone to college, and I still would have been living the dream my parents wanted me to.”

  “I guess you’re right, but since I never got to dance with you at my prom, I’ll ask you now.” Pushing back away from me, he stands to walk in front of me and holds out his hand. “Emily Cameron, may I have this dance?”

  Looking around the beach, I don’t see any activity. It is the middle of September, so most of the summer crowds are gone, but there are still boats in the water. Glancing up at him, I shake my head before placing my hand in his.

  “You’re a strange one, Jeremy Page, but I’ll dance with you; however, it doesn’t appear you have any music.” I see him reach into his pocket to pull out his iPhone and push some buttons. As he wraps his arm around my waist and takes my other hand in his, I stare into his chocolate eyes, and we start moving. The music begins, and my heart skips a beat. The sound of the piano starts those four simple notes, and I know the song immediately. How? There’s no way he could know. Guy and Girl start singing, and my eyes glisten over with moisture. “How could you know?”

  Resting his head on my forehead, he says, “A drunk hot chick left her iPod inside her car one night I drove her home, and somehow this was the only musical listed. I thought it had to have some meaning in your life. Emily, please tell me those are happy tears.”

  He did this for me. He found the one song that had the meaning of hope and connection no matter how different we are. I’m so lost for words right now, but once I speak, I’m even more speechless. “Miluju Tebe.” The words flow from my lips, and Jeremy glares at me as though I’m crazy. Right now, I think I may be. Why those words slipped from my mouth I don’t know. I basically just quoted a line from the musical where Girl tells Guy “It is you I love” in her native language. I can’t possibly love Jeremy, but my feelings are so strong at the moment, it’s my only reasoning for saying them.

  “I’m not even sure what you said, but I do have one more thing to ask before we head to dinner.”

  Grabbing something from his front pocket, he backs away from me and kneels down on one knee before me. My eyes shoot out of my head. He cannot be doing this. No freakin’ way! I need to stop him, but it’s too late. He’s already started talking. Raising a black velvet box toward me, he slowly opens it while saying, “Emily Cameron, will you do me the honor of becoming my girlfriend and escorting me to the first home game of the hockey season?”

  Opening my eyes in relief that it isn’t a marriage proposal, I glance at what’s inside the box. A sterling silver necklace sparkles in the sunset along with an opal birthstone, a diamond hockey stick pendant, and a round silver disc hand stamped with a number “3.”I can only assume the three is his hockey number because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my birthday is in March. Placing my fingers over the necklace, I stare at it silently for a while before I realize he’s still kneeling there in the sand waiting for my answer. Oh my god. He just asked me to be his girlfriend. How will that work between us? Our lives move in such opposite directions, and the next few months will be even worse than the past week.

  I don’t even know when his hockey game is or if I can make it, but at this moment, I’ll move mountains if it means making him happy because nothing else matters to me. No skating medal has ever made me this happy.

  Reaching out to rest my hand on the side of his face, I look right into his wondering eyes and nod my head. “Yes. Jeremy Page, I will be your girlfriend.”

  Sweeping me up in a bear hug and swinging me around, he gently lowers me before pulling the necklace from the box and placing it around my neck. “You like it?” he asks as he places his hands on my shoulders.

  “I love it, but you could have just asked me to go to the hockey game with you,” I say as I place a soft kiss on his cheek.

  “Yes, but this way, if you’re wearing this, people will know that gorgeous blonde girl in the stands belongs to me, and you have no idea how happy that makes me right now,” he says, pushing the flying blonde hairs out of my face. Making his way to the blanket, he starts packing everything back into the backpack before motioning for me to get back on his back. “Now, it’s time to feed my girl, so let’s go have our first dinner as a couple. Shall we?”

  Laughing because I still can’t believe this insanely hot weirdo is my boyfriend now, I say, “As long as there aren’t any martinis involved at dinner, I’d love to celebrate our first night together.”

  I still can’t believe she said yes. I thought for sure she would have hemmed and hawed over the question. I mean, I’m not complaining, but Emily is one of the most indecisive women I know. It took her eight years to realize she is worth fighting for and actually go on this date. It shocked the hell out of me when in less than a minute she accepted the idea of being my girlfriend.

  It will be one of the most tested dating experiences I think I’ll have to endure, ever. I’m still not convinced that something won’t happen to screw this up. Starting next week, I have regular morning skates and training camp continues with the whole team. Once that’s over, it’s right into the exhibition games, and then the season officially kicks off. I’m not even sure where I’m going to find the added time for Emily, but if I can see that smile or hear that laugh through a phone call, I’ll take whatever I can get. I just hope she thinks the same about me and wants us to work just as badly.

  Our table isn’t ready for dinner yet, so Emily and I sit outside at the bar overlooking the harbor. I’ve brought her to The Black Cow for dinner, one of Newburyport’s finer dining establishments. The sun has just set below the water, and the boats are bobbing up and down against their moorings below us. Glancing over at Emily, I see her staring out at the water, watching the people come and go on their boats. The necklace I gave her twinkles on her neck in the fading light. She must sense me staring because her attention turns toward me. That’s right, I’m the crazy motherfucker under her spell. God, she’s beautiful, and she’s mine.

  A small chuckle slips from her lips as she stares up at me. “What?” she asks.

  Trying to find the right words, but knowing I’ll screw up whatever I say, I lean toward her, grab her chin and move my lips down to hers. I pull away slowly, moving my tongue over my lips and tasting her lip-gloss. “You taste like coconuts and smell like warm vanilla.” It’s a heady combination, causing a stirring of sorts in my stomach.

  A slight moan escapes her as she rubs her lips together. “You keep that up, and we’ll never make it through dinner,” she says while trying not to laugh.

  Emily turns away to look at the boats again while sipping on her sangria. She is not going anywhere near martinis tonight. Not that I didn’t mind her little striptease the other night, but I really want her to remember tonight for the rest of her life. Tonight I want to get to know the real Emily Cameron, not the one the world knows from a three-minute clip they see on television before she performs during a competition. I’ve seen the YouTube videos with the stories they put out there about how her so-called loving parents have supported her throughout her career and how they always knew she was a hidden talent as a child. What the segment neglects to show is her mom yelling at her as a child at the rink, or how her parents have messed with her head so much that she hasn’t been ab
le to fully open up to anyone until recently.

  I stand behind her as she sits on the bar stool, my hands massaging her shoulders. I hear the hostess call my name, and we both turn to make our way to the dining room. Emily grabs her bag and drink as I urge her in front of me while keeping my arm wrapped around her waist. We have a seat near the large windows that overlook the water. Small tea lights flicker on the tables, and fresh fall flowers adorn all the tables, adding to the nautical theme.

  After we slip into the booth, the waitress hands us our menus, and I order a local microbrew, while Emily is content with water. Eyeing her suspiciously, she says she has a morning practice set up, so she can’t risk having too many sangrias. I reach out and grab her hand in mine on top of the table, continuing to rub my fingers over her smooth knuckles. I want to ask her to skip her practice tomorrow, but I know she won’t and can’t. Plus, since I’ve already stolen her for Sunday with my family, I may be pushing my newly acquired boyfriend status. I just want to spend time with her because I know it won’t always be like this.

  The waitress comes back with our drinks, and we order dinner. I order the roasted statler chicken, while Emily sits there staring at the menu a little longer.

  “You are not ordering a salad, just in case that’s what is about to come out of your mouth,” I say, stone-faced.

  Laughing, she looks up from her menu at me and sassily says, “Oh, so you think you know me that well?” I nod back at her in agreement because that’s all I’ve ever seen her eat besides the toast I made her last week. That’s when she totally throws me a curveball. “I’ll have the grilled salmon, hold the crème fraiche, and a side of jasmine rice, thank you.” She turns her eyes back to me and winks, while handing the waitress our menus.

  “Aren’t you the little daredevil tonight? You’re full of surprises.” I lean back into my seat. “First, you don’t even make me beg you to be my girlfriend, and now you order a full entrée for dinner. Any other surprises you have up your sleeve?”

  Very flirtatiously, she pulls her bottom lip under her teeth and says, “Well, perhaps after this, you can search under my shirt to see what else I’m hiding.” My eyes bug out, and my dick wakes up. Calm down, killer. Just ‘cuz you got a taste of her the other day does not mean it’s a sure thing tonight.

  “Babe, remember. I’m following your lead. If you need me to do a full-body search, I’m good with that.”

  Dinner is served, and even though Emily doesn’t eat much more than a few bites of her salmon, she is at least trying something new. I commend her for that. We talk as though we’ve known each other for years. Technically, we have, but this is the first time she’s been willing to open up and give me a shot. I’m not sure what changed her mind, and I’m not sure that I freakin’ care. She’s here, and we’re finally trying this relationship. For once, she is making her own decisions instead of someone else making them for her.

  Emily talks about her skating some more. She mentions she placed fourth at last year’s World Championships, but that wasn’t good enough for her parents. Because of that, she’ll be doing two international competitions this fall before the US Nationals hit Boston, which will ultimately allow her placement on the Olympic team in February should she medal. She says her parents have invested too much money and advertising into her career for her to not try her hardest. The more I hear about her parents, the more I hate them for not thinking of their own daughter as anything more than a money maker.

  Outside of skating, Emily doesn’t have that much going on in life. She briefly talks about her days at Boston University and how much she loves to travel. If she didn’t have skating in her life from such an early age, she would have wanted to travel to Europe after high school to learn about its history and the beauty of the landscapes.

  She really is an amazing woman once she finally lets down her guard. I ask her what she plans on doing once her skating career is over. That’s when I think I lose her. She sinks back inside her shell, and the walls she finally begins to let down, well, they quickly go right back up.

  I stand outside the bathroom waiting for Emily to freshen up before we leave. I’m not really sure where I went wrong or how asking about her future was a bad thing, but my funny, sassy, light-hearted girlfriend is now gone. Somehow, my screwed-up mouth made this night shit, and I’ve got to fix it fast before she walks away for good and back out of my life.

  Staring at myself in the mirror, I see what I am. I’m nothing but a commodity for my parents to use for their own self-worth. I’m disgusted with myself for never putting up a fight, even once I was old enough to realize it. So, why did I freeze up when Jeremy asked me what I wanted to do with my life once my skating career is over? A part of me saw that everything I’ve worked for in my life so far is going to be gone soon, and after that, I’ve got nothing. What do I want to do? I have enough money saved, but that doesn’t give me happiness, let alone a job. I have never considered my life or future. I’ve never once thought of me. I have a degree in geography from Boston University, but besides that, I’m qualified for nothing.

  My reflection grows even more dejected than it was when I came into the bathroom. I’m almost certain Jeremy is wondering why the hell I’m still in here. Truth is, I’m not sure I can face him at the moment. My first official date, and I’ve ruined it already. He’s probably out there wondering why the hell he ever asked me out. This might go down as being the shortest relationship ever on record. Throwing my compact and lip-gloss back into my bag, I glance up and see the shimmering diamonds around my neck. His words sound in the back of my head. “You’re worth fighting for.” I’m not so sure of that anymore, but I know it’s time for me to face the music and head out of the ladies’ room. Put on your big girl panties, Emily. The one guy you have actual feelings for might just be ready to break your heart once you open that door.

  Taking a deep breath, I open the door and make my way out into the foyer. I see him sitting in the waiting area, his elbows on his knees holding his head in between his hands. He must have sensed my impending arrival because he raises his head and stares me in the eyes. I’m uncertain what I see in his eyes, but it isn’t good. Feeling a tightness in my chest, I step even closer until I’m directly in front of him. Reaching out, he grabs my trembling hand and slides his fingers into mine. Okay, maybe things aren’t as bad as I anticipated.

  Walking out the front doors, we don’t head in the direction of Jeremy’s truck. Instead, we turn the opposite direction and head toward the boardwalk along the waterfront. Even after a few minutes, he still hasn’t said anything to me. The only sounds I hear are the ropes stretching with the pull of lines holding the boats to the docks and the metal dinging on board that almost sounds like bells.

  Jeremy stops at an open bench that overlooks the water. Sitting next to him, I look out at the water and the illuminated dock lights that line the harbor. Still, neither of us has said anything, and he pulls me close so my back rests against his chest. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he leans his chin on my shoulder so we both look out at the lights on the water.

  “You know you can do anything you put your mind to, right? Just because you haven’t had the chance yet to figure out your future, doesn’t mean it can’t be amazing. Dreams can come true. You just have to go after them and live them,” he says, finally breaking the awful silence. Tears sting my eyes, and moisture begins to coat my cheeks. I’m not sure what I’m happier about, the fact he’s not quitting on us just yet, or the fact that he believes I can accomplish anything I want in life.

  Turning around so our knees are touching, I look at his face through the moonlight as I lower my hand to his thigh. “Jeremy, how did I ever get so lucky to find someone like you? My whole life my family has never once pushed me to believe I could be something else. You say the words, and I feel as though I’m going to be all right, that my life has purpose outside of what I know. How are you so sure of it?”

  “Babe, life is one big trial and error. I’m not s
aying it’s going to be easy, but it’s just like skating. When you fall, you get the fuck back up and try again. Keep trying until you find what works. See what I mean?” I hear his confident words as he appears relaxed and runs his fingers along my back.

  “I’m sorry I ruined our night,” I say as I wipe a stray tear from my cheek. “It was going so well, and then I had to go and screw it up. I didn’t ask you about your hockey…ehh…thing either.” I’ve never actually talked about hockey with anyone. I mean, I’ve seen the guys at the rink and watched them in passing on the ice, but I’m not well informed about how the sport is played.

  “Hockey ‘thing’? You mean my job? We’ll get to that in due time. Right now, I’m going to tell you straight up. Tonight’s not ruined. We’re learning more about each other. That’s what dating is.”

  Relief. That’s all I feel as a slow smile forms on my lips. “So, we’re good? I thought you might have changed your mind about being my boyfriend. I can’t say I would have blamed you. Why would anyone want to date me?” I say as I rest my head against his shoulder.

  “Are you kidding? I didn’t spend all these years wishing you’d somehow walk back into my life, only to let you go in less than a few hours. And, I’m kind of hoping to see what other ways I can make you moan like you did the other day,” he says, winking my way.

  My face must show either total shock or mortification. First, did he just admit that he’s been waiting for me for years? And second, I can’t believe he’s bringing up our bedroom activities. I slap him on the arm, and he makes a wincing face as though I really hurt him.

  “Keep it up, and I’ll make you work harder the next time you want to hear me moan.” I feel his lips against my neck seconds later. He licks along the sensitive spot just below my ear as he softly pushes my hair off my neck. The minute his mouth makes contact with my earlobe, my eyes roll into the back of my head, and a throaty moan leaves my mouth. He laughs softly by my ear, and I realize what he just did. Bastard!