Frozen Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  I’m just about to turn off the lights when my phone vibrates on the nightstand. Removing it from the charger, I see it’s Courtney calling. What is she still doing up at this hour?

  “Hey, Court. What are you still doing up?” I hear her yawning on her end of the line and the sound of a door shutting in the background.

  “I’m keeping an eye on Emily. Mom and Dad have the days and evenings for now. I took the night until Josh has a day off.”

  “What do you mean ‘keeping an eye on Emily’?” I ask, scratching my head.

  “The hospital released her just as the news broke the story about the Olympics, and she didn’t take it well. Plus, she’s on pain meds for the injuries, and well, she’s still trying to cope with you leaving.”

  If I could hit something, I would. “Court, what was I supposed to do? You know I didn’t have a choice, and it’s not as though she asked me to stay. I wish she wasn’t going through all of that, and I know it’s rough on you guys, too. If I could be there to help I would, but it’s not what Emily wants,” I say as I hear the sounds of the coffee machine brewing over the phone.

  “She’s not the same, Jeremy. I mean, yeah, it’s Emily, but she’s closed herself off completely. She doesn’t speak. She won’t even sleep in your bed. She’s in the guest room. Sue came over today, and Emily just cried when she mentioned your name. None of us know what to do. You are the only one who can see through her when she needs help. Mom says to give her time, but she’s never been this bad. Tell me what to do, Jeremy. I’m afraid she might not come out of this.”

  How can I tell Courtney how to get through to Emily? I didn’t exactly have much luck during my last conversation with her. It might be different if I was there to help firsthand, but I have no idea when I will be back home.

  Pinching the bridge of my nose as I feel my head start pounding, I respond, “Court, I wish I could tell you how to help her, but Emily needs to figure out what she wants to do in her life. She needs to learn to fight on her own again. If she gets worse, call me. I’ve got to get going. I have an early practice, and then I’m off to Denver for the next game. Tell Mom, Dad, and Joshthat I miss them. I’ll send Dave and Sue a text tomorrow to see how things are going there. Take care of Emily as best you can. I still love her and miss her. It just has to be this way for a while. I’ll talk to you soon, Court.”

  After hanging up, my thoughts drift to Emily. I have to control every urge I have to pick up my phone to text her. God, I miss her. As I roll over, the last thing I think of before falling asleep is my happiness is missing, and I can only hope it’s still there when I finally get home.

  We arrive in Denver the following afternoon. When we make it to the arena for the game against the Avalanche, I realize this is the same rink in which Emily won her competition. I know I said I’d give her time, but after the three weeks we spent away from each other a few months ago, I can’t possibly not hear her voice or let her know I’m thinking of her. I pull my phone from my pocket.

  I know you said to give you time. Tough. I’ll call u soon. Here’s a song for you.

  “Peace” by O.A.R. Love U-J

  Pushing the phone back into my pocket, I grab my gear and follow the rest of the team into the locker room. I’m just about finished throwing my pads over my shoulders when my phone alerts me of an incoming text.

  “Arms” I’m so sorry for what I said at the hospital. I was angry and in shock. I miss you. Luv U 2-E

  Pulling out my headphones, I listen to her song, hearing the meaning of every word. Don’t worry, babe, I’m coming home to you. Just give me time.

  It’s been six weeks since the accident. Six weeks since everything was taken from me. I’ve been to rehab for my injuries and spoken to therapists. I feel as though I’m being suffocated in every direction I’m headed. Everyone thinks I’m made of glass, so they are walking on eggshells around me. Topping it off, I’m watching as the Olympic Games are going on without me.

  Since the accident, I’ve had numerous nightmares during my sleep. The therapists say that in talking my way through the pain and what’s bothering me, the nightmares will subside. On occasion, Sue joins me in therapy to tell her side of the story, how none of it could have been prevented, and how I did everything I could in the situation. She also mentions that I’m the one who saved her little girl.

  Yes, she and Dave are having a baby girl. They found out shortly after the accident. Her bump continues to grow every time she stops by. I try to be happy for her when she’s around, but I’m still no further into finding out where my life is headed once my injuries have healed.

  The concussion symptoms have gone away completely now, and all I have are a few minor headaches here and there. The doctors removed the cast on my arm a couple of days ago, and I’ve started rehabbing slowly. Unfortunately, my ankle is still in a brace for support. They say that will take the longest to heal, but I tend to disagree. My heart is one thing that’s still just as broken as it was six weeks ago.

  No one has mentioned anything to me about Jeremy. His name seems to be some kind of taboo subject around me. I saw a few weeks ago the Bruins played the Kings in LA. Travis was watching the game in his living room when I heard Jeremy’s name filter across the speakers. When he noticed me staring at the screen and only blinking, he tried to change the subject by switching to another channel. It was too late. I saw him there on the screen as he was living his dream.

  They know he’s been in touch with me, and they know I miss him like crazy. When he can, he texts, or on a rare occasion, he calls to say hi and tries to cheer me up. He seems to be in a new city every time I talk to him. Nothing has brought him to the East Coast yet to visit. With having all the time in the world right now, I’m easily bored and waiting for any kind of new entertainment.

  Some days I find myself carrying on a conversation with Aspen. He sits and listens for hours, and I know he misses Jeremy just as much as I do. The two of us are our own support group. My heart breaks when he hears someone coming up the back stairs. He thinks it’s Jeremy, and his tail wags a mile a minute until the door opens, only sending him back to his bed and looking at me with those big sad eyes.

  Today is a new day, though. Courtney is taking me with her to her cooking class she signed up for. The damn girl won’t stop feeding me. She claims she has to practice for her class. She brings Grace and Sue over to use us as test subjects, and since I can’t exactly workout at the moment, I’ve put on more weight than I care to. Grace says the added weight looks good on me, but I disagree. Sue has no problem pulling up the rear when it comes to eating all the food. Grace has tried to use a scare tactic with her by saying the more she eats, the bigger the watermelon she’ll have to push out of her vagina. Sue’s decided to take her chances.

  I’m standing with my crutches under my arms in Courtney’s cooking class, assisting her with the ratatouille she’s preparing. I’ve been slicing vegetables for what seems like forever. This week they are learning the basics of French foods. I’m mid-slice when someone asks her a question that sends my head into a whirlwind. Wait. What?

  “He said he’d be back sometime before the end of the week. He didn’t say exactly when, just said they called him back down,” Courtney responds to the girl. I stare at the vegetables in front of me, motionless. A hand on my shoulder startles me from my thoughts. “Emily, are you all right?” Courtney asks as she goes to grab the array of vegetables neatly placed in the baking dish.

  My head turns toward her voice, and my face twists in confusion. “Jeremy’s coming home?” I ask.

  Brushing a stray hair from my face, she pushes it behind my ear since my hands are covered in random vegetable juices. “Yeah, sweetie. He called a couple of days ago. He didn’t want us to tell you because he thought you might freak out. The Kings released him, so he’ll be back playing for the Monarchs by next week.”

  “Why didn’t anyone say something to me?” I ask as if I didn’t already know the answer. Jeremy knew I’d start
freaking out. Stepping over to the sink, I wash and dry my hands. He’s coming home, and I’ve managed to do absolutely nothing as to figuring out my future since he left. He’ll see right through my lies if I tell him otherwise. My mind starts processing a million different things, but it always comes back to one thing. My one true happiness outside of Jeremy. Skating.

  “Court? I need to go somewhere in the morning. Do you think you can give me a lift?” I ask her since I still can’t drive with the brace, and I haven’t replaced my car.

  Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I pull up the number of someone I know who can help me. I’m just surprised I hadn’t thought of this sooner. Listening to the phone ring, I hear her pick up. “Hey, it’s Emily. I need a favor, and I’m hoping you’re the right person to help me. Can you meet with me tomorrow?”

  It’s time for me to get my life back on track.

  As the Kings management tells me I’m being reassigned back to the Monarchs, it is literally the best news I’ve heard in weeks. It’s not that I’m not playing as well as the other athletes. It’s just part of being affiliated with the AHL. The Kings decide who gets called up and sent back to the AHL all season long.

  The last six weeks have been worth the experience; however, it’s not for me. I’m used to weekend games and being home almost every night with the Monarchs. I miss my family. I miss Emily. Playing for the NHL is no longer my dream. My dreams are sitting at my apartment waiting for me.

  I told my parents to keep my homecoming news from Emily. I want it to be a surprise, but some of my family friends are Monarchs season ticket holders, and it is likely my assignment will be posted all over the web. When I talked to Courtney before my flight, she said Emily might have an idea that I’m coming home. I’m surprised Emily didn’t try to call me when she found out. We’ve at least been talking during our time apart, but the distance is still doing a number on the both of us. We talk about her progress and how she’s getting better, or she asks me about my games. We still have yet to discuss what was said at the hospital or the reason she’s been seeing a therapist for her depression. I know I’m partially to blame for that, but that’s a conversation I’m not having over the phone.

  Once my flight lands at Logan, I make my way down to the baggage claim area. I retrieve all my bags and head for the automatic doors to look for Courtney. The minute my face hits the cold winter New England air, I know I’m home. Spotting Courtney’s car, I walk over and shove my hockey bags into the already popped trunk. Once I’m inside the car, she pulls me over the center console and gives me one of the biggest hugs ever.

  “Don’t you ever leave for that long again! You hear me,” she threatens as she puts the car in drive to head home. Home. I can’t get there fast enough.

  We pull into the driveway as the sun is just setting below the horizon. The sky is a fiery orange-red, and the snow banks appear to have grown since I was here last. Courtney turns off the car, and we both look up to the windows over the garage. The lights are on, and I hear Aspen barking.

  “She’s mobile again, but slow. Go get her. I’ll hold off Mom and Dad as long as I can.”

  “Thanks, Court!” I yell as I storm from the car, leaving my bags behind and bounding up the stairs two at a time until I reach the door. Taking a long breath, I open the door slowly and shut it quietly behind me. Aspen comes barreling down the hall until he jumps on me with his front paws resting on my forearms. Putting him down and rubbing behind his ears, I ask him, “Where is she, big guy? Em?”

  “Oh sure, Aspen, you big showoff. You’ve got four good legs against my one,” Emily teases from down the hall. There’s the smart mouth I’ve missed so much. As I’m about to start running down the hall to see her, she hobbles around the corner and greets me with the biggest grin on her face.

  “Surprised to see me?” I saunter toward her.

  “If I said yes, would you believe me?” she asks as she meets me halfway.

  She’s finally standing in front of me, and I can reach out and touch her again. Her hair is longer, and her curves are more defined than when I left, but she’s still the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on. Both of my hands reach out and cup the side of her face as I bring my forehead down to hers and close my eyes.

  “Babe, I’ve missed you so damn much,” I say. Opening my eyes, I see her eyelashes are coated in tears, but her smile and laughter crack through the light sobs.

  Reaching her arms up, she wraps them around my neck. “I’ve missed you too, Jeremy, but do you think we can sit? This standing thing isn’t the easiest thing in the world.”

  “Oh, sorry, of course,” I say as I bend down and pick her up under her legs and butt, carrying her out to the living room.

  “Easy with the arm,” she says as she pulls it in protectively. “Even Aspen isn’t as rough as you.”

  I make my way to the sofa with her in my arms, never losing eye contact with her. “I’ll be gentle.”

  “You can put me down now. I’m surprised you didn’t throw out your back trying to carry me just now,” she insinuates.

  “Em, you look as gorgeous as always, and if you don’t stop trying to crack jokes to try to hide being nervous, I’ll give you a reason to be nervous.” I wink at her. “Now, can you please shut up for five minutes, so I can kiss you?”

  Giving me a huge devilish grin, she closes her eyes, shaking her hair out behind her shoulders and then sticking up her chin. She thinks she’s going to fool me. I’ll make this the best second “first” kiss ever.

  Sitting on my coffee table in front of her, I angle her legs in between mine. I’m careful not to hit her walking boot before pulling her chin toward me with my finger. I kiss her cheeks, her eyes, her nose, and then my lips barely touch hers before I stand to lean over her. Placing both of my hands on the back of the sofa, I coax her to fall back. My lips find hers, and the past six weeks have disappeared just like that. Her mouth opens for me as my right hand holds the back of her head to keep her lips that much closer to mine. Emily’s left hand grips my shirt, pulling me closer to her as she moans in her throat.

  Before I know it, my door flies open and Dave bustles into the living room. Breaking my kiss from Emily, I stare up at him. “Seriously? Knock much?”

  Then, the parade of people follows behind him. Mom’s bringing in a cake, and Dad has Sue by the arm as she holds her rounded belly. Courtney steps in last. “I told you I’d hold them off as long as I could. Time’s up.”

  Laughing, I lean down to Emily and whisper into her ear, “We’re not done yet. I’m just getting started.”

  “I’ve got all night.” She points toward her boot. “I’m not exactly going anywhere.” Kissing her on the cheek, I say, “I’m glad to hear it. We’ve got some catching up to do.” Everyone groans around me, and Dave says, “Get a room.” That’s when I realize it is good to finally be home. I’ve missed all this madness.

  The night wears on as all of us catch up on stories from the last six weeks. Dad wants to hear all about the NHL lifestyle, what Los Angeles is like, and if I met any movie stars while I was out there. Sue talks about names that Dave wants for their baby girl. I have to laugh at some of the ones he comes up with. Sue says he wants Minnie, as in Minnie Mouse.

  Everyone is laughing, and it is as though I never left, except I did, and I still need to fix my relationship with Emily. When I say I’m actually happy to see the snow, I notice Emily shudder next to me. She’s clearly still going through a difficult period after the accident, but I’m here now, and I plan on getting her to talk to me about it.

  Once everyone leaves the apartment, I see Emily yawning on the sofa. It has been a long day for both of us. I gently pick her up and carry her to the bedroom, gently placing her on the bed. Removing my shirt and jeans, I stand there in my boxer briefs. When I look over at her, she still hasn’t changed out of her clothes. Eyeing her curiously, I ask, “Em, what’s up? Do you not want to go to bed?”

  Glancing away shyly, she fiddles wit
h her hands before quietly saying, “I don’t know why, but I’m nervous. Is that weird, considering after just one date I already had my hands down your pants? Now, almost six months later, I’m nervous. What’s wrong with me, Jeremy?” Tears begin welling in her eyes before she admits her true fear. “I hate how we left things at the hospital, and when we’d talk on the phone, it seemed as though you were so distant and that we were forcing a conversation neither of us wanted to have. I ended up having to see a therapist because my moods were so screwed up, and they wanted me to talk about how I was feeling or what made me so depressed. I hated every minute of it. Now, you’re here, and I’m even more confused because we’ve not talked about us as a couple yet, and I’m still living here.”

  I have to stop her rambling. It’s true; she has changed. This is not the seductive little minx full of surprises. This Emily is not the same one I left before the accident. Somehow I knew I would find her buried deep within her soul, but for now, I need to comfort her and take care of her. Making my way around to her side of the bed, I sit next to her, turning my body to face her. “Emily, listen to me. You and me, we’ll work out our shit. Will it be today or tomorrow? Maybe not. Who knows? All I know is I love you, and if I have to spend every night telling you how sorry I am for hurting you and leaving you when I did, then I’ll do it. As long as I have you in my life, I’m complete.”

  I can feel the late February sun coming through the windows warming my face, but that isn’t what wakes me. The warm arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me against him as his fingers slide under my waistband of my flannel pajama bottoms. That’s what wakes me up. I’ve missed having him in bed with me.

  Once everyone finally left Jeremy’s mini welcome home party last night, I was wiped out and could barely keep my eyes open. I really can’t wait for the doctor to finally remove this boot, so I can start rehabbing the ankle completely. It never required surgery, but given the results from the x-ray, they wanted to make sure it was aligned correctly before taking the chance of removing the boot. I’ve come to terms with the fact that foot won’t be going inside a skate boot anytime soon, and I’m fine with it for now. I need to talk to Jeremy some more about my plans and see where he’s at and where our future is together. There is still a lot to be said, even after our talk in bed last night.