Until Proven Innocent

by Gene Grossman

  Now that Olive’s matter is moving along, I can turn back to April’s case and read the report that Jack B. sent in. The building that she lives in is owned by a real estate trust. The two main players in the trust are a Chad and Ruth Sinclair, who live in Holmby Hills, one of the richest parts of town. Jack’s search revealed that the Sinclairs own more than just the one building where April’s apartment is, they also control several other choice properties with ocean views.

  I send a response to Jack, telling him to check out those other properties and see if there’s any hanky-panky or under-the-table deals going on with the other managers too.

  That’s enough work for one afternoon, so I call a cab to take to Mi Ranchito for some Patrón margaritas and a huge custom made burrito, containing everything the house has to offer, including onions, sour cream, tomatoes, shredded lettuce, extra beans, rice, olives and guacamole. When the cook gets that order he knows it’s for me, so I usually get it exactly the way I order it.

  After a nice evening that includes an extremely filling dinner and drinks, and watching a soccer game broadcast in Spanish, the cab drops me off at the Marina, so I get in bed and continue with my plans to watch late nite television to see what Hershel Belsky has to offer in his car commercials.

  The television wakes me at the time I set for it: two in the morning. The Magnificent Seven is playing, and there’s a gunfight going on between the bandito, played by Eli Wallach, and the seven heroes, played by Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Horst Bucholtz, Robert Vaughn, Charles Bronson, James Coburn and Brad Dexter. I know those names by heart and have won quite a few bets in drinking establishment by naming them all correctly. I used to know the names of all Santa’s reindeers, and also the Seven Dwarfs and Seven Deadly Sins, but most of the money bets were for those seven magnificent cowboys. If I ever learn the names of every guy Elizabeth Taylor was married to, I could probably make some money in gay bars too.

  Just as the scene gets interesting, the movie stops mid-sentence and a commercial for Hal’s Beverly Hills Auto Mart flashes onto the screen. Sure enough, there’s Hershel doing his spiel. If there was ever a poster boy for male menopause, it’s him. He must be pushing sixty, and is riding one of those Segway scooters around on his used car lot, stopping in front of each used reconditioned junk just long enough to pitch it to the viewers. His full head of hair is dyed black, probably with shoe polish. The silk shirt is a regular, with an extra large guy stuffed inside of it, which causes the buttons in front to look like they’re about to pop off. The top buttons are left open, giving us a view of his hairy chest and the several gold chains hanging around his neck. His stunning polyester pants are held up by a wide, shiny white belt. Coincidentally, the belt matches his shiny white leather shoes. If you borrow a bartender’s reference guide and look up ‘night crawler,’ you should see a picture of Hershel.

  But you have to give credit where it’s due and Hershel certainly deserves some. He’s obviously a very shrewd businessman who has built a successful new and used car dealership in the heart of America’s richest and most famous neighborhood. He sounds like a really good pitchman, and his offer “you get a Segway scooter with the purchase of any new or used car in our inventory” certainly should be tempting for most people.

  To preserve his image for posterity, I’ve got my TIVO running during the commercial. After it’s over I go back to the part where he offers that scooter and see that down at the bottom of the screen is a lot of small print that describes the offer in more detail. Even with my huge fifty-two-inch high definition flat plasma screen I can barely make out the tiny print explaining that the Segway is not exactly a gift, but instead is a one month free trial, after which time it can be purchased from Hershel’s dealership at some allegedly discounted wholesale price. He’s no fool.

  While the movie is running I check out that scooter on the Internet and discover that this little 2-horsepower people mover with Michelin tires is controlled by 5 internal gyroscopes and has a gearbox that is sealed and designed to be maintenance free. The specs state that a rider must be between 100 and 250 pounds, so it looks like Hershel is pushing the upper limits.

  Suzi rides around the Marina in one of those electrical golf-cart-like devices. If it wasn’t for the fact that she won’t go anywhere without the beast, a Segway would be perfect for her… as soon as she’s big enough to see over the handlebars. The company’s specs list an operating range of between 11 to 15 miles on a full charge, and that’s much more than the average person would ever walk in a normal day. This means that it’s definitely not intended to replace the automobile, but only designed as a pedestrian’s aid.

  When Hershel’s commercials continue, he makes reference to a big event that he’ll be hosting at his dealership soon. One of the car manufacturers he represents will be introducing a brand new sporty little convertible to the market. If what he says is true, this must be the project he wants Olive’s voice and body for. I’ll check with my ad guy Dean Doheny tomorrow to see if I’m in the ballpark with this guess.

  *****

  Hershel wasn’t lying. According to Dean’s inside info, Hershel actually is making a big budget commercial, to be shot on film. Hershel’s advertising agency sent out copies of the shooting script for some bids on production of the commercial.

  From the bits and pieces of information that Dean was able to get, there actually is a brand new sporty little convertible being manufactured in a plant up in northern California. The new car will be rolled out in a month or so, and Hershel has made arrangements with the factory to have the first demo of that model brought down to his dealership so that he can throw a ‘premiere’ party and offer it to prospective customers for a test drive.

  Dean tells me that the auto factory is pitching in the major part of Hershel’s advertising budget, and once it gets to his dealership, they’ll be doing the same thing with their other dealers in a dozen or so major markets like Chicago, New York, and other big cities.

  Someone’s knocking on the hull. I look over the rail and see that it’s the messenger service guy. He hands me a large envelope and I hand him a buck. The envelope is from Hershel’s advertising agency and it’s addressed to ‘Peter Sharp Productions.’ It looks like Dean established a new business for me, and the agency sent a script over for us to bid on it.

  Parts of the script look professionally done, but most of the local dialogue definitely shows Hershel’s personality, because there are sexual overtones. Everyone including the advertising industry knows that sex sells, but they’d never believe what a big customer Hershel is.

  The commercial starts out at the factory, with the new little convertible approaching the end of the assembly line. Some workers are putting on the finishing touches and buffing the shiny paintjob to a high gloss. Two other workers bend down and attach front and rear ‘manufacturer’ license plates, so the vehicle will be street legal.

  Finally, a worker gets into the car and drives it out to the factory’s parking area, where an attractive female with a sexy voice tells him “ooh, I like your car. Can I ride in it?” The worker gets out of the car and holds the door open for the female, who slides in behind the wheel and sensuously rubs her hand over the upholstery, while saying “ooh, I like it.” It looks a little stupid on paper, but I guess a good director or a genius like Paris Hilton can do something with it.

  From what I’ve read so far, it looks like Hershel wants the girl to give viewers the impression that she’d like to make love to this car. The intended audience is obviously men, who are probably supposed to believe that if they drive a car like this, it will be a ‘babe magnet,’ and beautiful women will surround them, waiting their chance to stroke the car and its owner. If I know anything about Hershel, the only screwing those customers will ever get is in his sales office.

  After the female drives away from the factory, she heads down a long stretch of highway. In the next shot, the camera sees her approaching in the distance, and we see the heat waves coming up off of
the highway, much like that famous scene in Lawrence of Arabia, where Peter O’Toole is seen riding toward the camera. After another ten seconds of seeing the car approach, there is a ‘dissolve,’ to the next shot, which shows the female pulling onto Hershel’s lot. A wide shot establishes the entire dealership building, and then zooms down to her pulling through the large doors and onto the showroom floor.

  While all this driving is taking place, there is a voice-over by the sexy female, letting the viewers know how important it is to have a ‘nice, luxurious ride,’ and how ‘cuddly’ the car makes her feel. More hype to make men think that women can’t wait to get into this car. When the car finally comes to a stop on Hershel’s showroom floor, the female lets out a passionate yell, as if she’s just experienced an orgasm, brought about by the sexy feeling of driving this car for the past few hours.

  Once again, I have to give Hershel credit. Somehow, he’s managed to combine a car commercial with phone sex dialogue. I have no idea whether it will be successful or not, but it certainly will be talked about around every office water cooler the day after it’s first aired on television. No wonder he wanted someone like he thinks Olive is to do this commercial.

  If what Olive tells me is true, Hershel has created such a strong fantasy about what she looks like, that he wants her to star in the commercial and definitely do the voice over. The script from the agency gives notice to all interested production companies that any person that they cast for the lead is subject to approval by the local sponsor – Hershel. This means that my main task now is to see to it that Hershel is persuaded to hire Olive sight unseen. She’s an attractive girl, but doesn’t have the drop-dead good looks that I’m sure the advertising agency will be looking for in this commercial.

  The ad agency’s budget calls for a fee of twenty-five thousand for whatever supermodel does the commercial. With Dean’s help, we find out how many production companies are in the bidding, how much the average bid is, and which bidders have the least amount of respect for Hershel. He’s been advertising quite a bit over the years and an obnoxious guy like him is certain to have made some enemies around town.

  We find out that there are nine production companies bidding and that their estimates are coming in at between ninety and one hundred ten grand. Dean has discovered that there’s a production company out there that was screwed over by Hershel in the recent past, so they declined an offer to bid on the project. I find out the name of the boss at that agency and tell him my plan, and that if he wants to bid on this commercial, I can guarantee him that Hershel will approve the lead actress, and that his production company may not have to pay her the full fee budgeted.

  This gets the boss’ attention. He checks his figures over and calculates that if he were to do this production, his bid would be in the neighborhood of ninety thousand. I let him know that I can get a sponsor-approved star to work for only fifteen thousand, so he can lower his bid to eighty thousand, be the lowest bidder, get the job, and get even with Hershel. He wants to know the form his revenge will be allowed to take, but all I tell him is that it’s entirely legal and he’ll love it.

  So far this sounds like it can be a win-win proposition for everyone involved except Hershel. I call Olive to get the ball rolling. Her first assignment is to call Hal and let him know that she watches his commercials every evening, knows about the new commercial he’s doing, and wants him to send her a script, so she can practice the dialogue. She’s to promise him that after she’s done the dialogue, she’ll send him a tape, so that he can approve the voice-over part of the commercial. She’s a little hesitant and has some questions.

  “What happens if he wants to meet with me? Should I actually see him?”

  “Definitely not. We want him to be so excited with the way you sound, that he fantasizes about the way you look. I want you to get him to hire you sight unseen.”

  “I don’t know. He seems like a pretty shrewd guy. You think he’ll go for that?”

  “Olive, it’s up to you to make him go for it. Let me give you another incentive. The advertising agency’s budget calls for a nice fee for whoever gets this job. If you can convince Hal to hire you, then you may be in line for over seven thousand dollars.”

  This definitely gets her attention. After we hash it over for a while, I talk Olive into giving Hershel plenty of excitement over the phone, just like she used to do… and promise him that if she gets the job, there’ll be more of the same in the future… more than he could ever imagine in his wildest dreams.

  Olive promises to get out her little black book and do a little research. From what she tells me, each one of those phone sex girls keeps records of the customers they talk to and what special pieces of business really turns them on. Olive will be going through her book to see what buttons to press for Hershel.

  As I hang up the phone the dynamic duo walks past me. The dog ignores me completely because I’m not eating anything that might drop to the floor. The kid gives me one of those ‘what’re you up to now?’ looks.

  *****

  Ren calls from the soundstage. Tony and Joe Caulfield had another big argument. I’m glad to hear that no one got fired, and even better, no one got shot. I watch for Tony to return from a hard day of being a movie star. When I see him walking toward his boat, I motion for him.

  “I hear you guys were at it again today. Anything serious?”

  “Did you give them legal advice on police regulations for giving the Miranda warnings to a suspect in custody?”

  “What’s wrong, Tony, they wouldn’t let you beat a confession out of someone?”

  “No, that’s not it, but when you’ve got a suspect in custody and he starts to blurt something out to you that will help with the case, there’s no way that we’re going to shut him up in the middle of a sentence and say ‘wait a minute mister perp, before you say anything, here are some constitutional rights you should be aware of.’ It just doesn’t work like that in the real world, counselor.”

  “I never told them to apply the rules like that. I just wanted them to know that once a suspect requests an attorney, the interrogation should stop.”

  “Well, that’s not the way they’re doing it. They’re giving the suspect more protection than the victim.”

  “Tony, did you ever see one of the Terminator movies?”

  “You mean the ones with our esteemed Governor Schwarzenegger?”

  “Yes, with Arnold. In each one of those movies, he winds up killing quite a few people. Most of them are bad guys. Do you think that in real life Arnold Schwarzenegger could actually pull the trigger and shoot people?

  “And in every one of those television shows on law and order, there’s someone who has killed someone else. They’re not killers in real life either.

  “You’ve got to separate real life from the movies. What people see you do in the movies is completely different from what you would do in a similar situation in real life. That’s why they call it acting. Let me ask you a question. Did you ever get a chance to read the screenplay all the way through? I mean past just the scenes that you’re in?”

  Silence. There’s no answer from him on that question.

  “I thought so, because if you did, you’d see that the guy gets convicted anyway, due to some new evidence that comes in, and a new eye witness they discover who was out of town for the first part of the trial.”

  “He does? You mean the guy actually goes down for the crime?”

  “Yes. Don’t you see? They want to make it look like the bad guy is going to win. That’s why his liberal lawyer’s objections are always getting sustained by the liberal judge. In the movie business, they call that a plot ‘hook,’ to set up a surprise ending for the audience.

  “So, now that you know you’ll win in the end, can you please just go along with the script? By the way, did Joe Caulfield tell you about the film courier service he wants you to run?”

  “Yeah, he mentioned it. And you’re right. I’ll try to keep my opinions to myself on
the set, but boy, that Joe sure gets on my nerves.”

  *****

  Olive calls to let me know that she spoke to Hal. They had a long conversation, and she feels pretty sure that he was locked in his private bathroom during the entire time they were talking. He promised to send her a script by messenger, so tonight she’ll start practicing her lines. I call Joe Caulfield, to make arrangements for Olive and I to use the soundstage’s voice-over booth to make a recording tomorrow evening, after everyone else has quit for the day.

  Dean calls to let me know that the production company I talked to put in their bid to do the commercial, and that the advertising agency is considering going with them because they bid less than everyone else by almost ten thousand dollars. Good. It’s all starting to come together now.

  Another phone call comes in from the production company. They want to thank me for giving them a heads-up on the bidding, and to make sure that they’ll be able to keep up their end of the bargain. What they’re really looking for is some assurance that their lead actress will be approved by the sponsor and that per my promise, she’ll work for the fifteen thousand that they budgeted for.

  I put them at ease by letting them know that everything’s going along according to plans, and to keep me up to date on when they plan to start shooting. I also tell them that all the voice-over work is being done in another studio, so all they’ll have to do is lay it in at the right spots when they do their post-production editing.

  They’re pleased to hear this, because it means they just saved thousands of dollars in sound booth rentals and engineering.

  Olive and I make a date to meet at the soundstage tomorrow evening to rehearse her lines. I borrow a digital tape recorder from one of our dock neighbors and practice using it for a while until I get used to pressing the right buttons. The production company assured me that their equipment works with this tape format.

  Jack B. calls to give me some news on the April apartment building project. He discovered that D. Miller, the manager at April’s building, is also the manager at several of the other buildings owned by that real estate trust controlled by the Sinclairs. Jack will be conducting some interviews with the tenants at those other properties.