You_Only_Love_Twice_ARE

by Lexi Blake

  Until Jamie died and she found out that all the shit that came before was nothing compared to how hollowed out grief could leave a person.

  The old Phoebe would have shoved everyone the finger and then told them to go to hell because she wouldn’t have cared about them. This stupid weak Phoebe didn’t want to be laughed at, didn’t want to find out what they really thought of her.

  “I don’t want to be tied up.” She would be helpless. She couldn’t be helpless.

  Taggart looked down at her, his face as soft as it ever got. “I’m not going to hurt you. I promise you that. Like I told you, all my rage is far better expended on your brother.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t stand the thought of being tied up. This isn’t right for me.”

  “Phoebe, this is about learning to trust,” Ian explained. “You wouldn’t be the first sub who couldn’t stand the thought of being tied down and vulnerable, but you’ll also never know what it means to utterly trust a partner so much that he could do anything and you would know it would be all right.”

  “I can’t.”

  “All right.” Tag gave up. “I’ll get someone else. I can’t flog her with her just standing there. There’s too much risk that she would move at the wrong time.”

  “Let me be her cross,” Jesse said suddenly. He stepped forward. “She can hold on to me, lean on me. That way I can tell if she’s handling it all right.”

  Taggart seemed to think about it for a moment. “She can use her safe word at any moment, but she’s got to be still until I stop.”

  “I won’t move.”

  Taggart nodded and gestured for Jesse to join him in setting up the scene. Phoebe was left watching them, wondering if she was making the right choice.

  If Jesse was with her, she could try it. It would be better to know than not. If they made fun of her, or if Taggart decided to hurt her for kicks, then she would know that he was the same as all the other assholes she’d met. She didn’t think so, but then she’d only seen how he treated the people he loved. How would he treat her?

  People liked to hurt other people. That was what life had taught her. Her childhood had been one long succession of adults who failed her. She’d watched her foster brothers and sisters damn near kill each other over as little as an extra soda. Only Ten and Jamie and their dad had ever offered her refuge, and then they’d sent her off to fight a war no one even knew was raging.

  “Just hold on to Jesse.” Charlotte was suddenly at her side. “I promise it won’t hurt. It’s like a really nice massage. Try to let your mind drift. Hear the rhythm of the floggers moving and let go. Jesse will catch you. He won’t let anything happen to you.”

  Phoebe turned to Charlotte. “I thought you were hoping to watch me squirm.”

  “Only in a good way. Phoebe, if I hadn’t challenged you, you would have stayed out there in the audience all night. You needed a push and I gave it to you. Trust me, I know how to deal with stubborn women who need a swift kick in the ass from time to time. I’m Chelsea’s sister after all.” She got serious for a moment. “I think you need this every bit as much as she did. Women like you, like us, we need to be able to let go from time to time. We need to know we have a safe place.”

  “I had one once.”

  “I know and you can have another one.” Charlotte reached up and smoothed back her hair, a gesture that made Phoebe wish she’d had an older sister.

  “Why are you being nice to me?” It didn’t really make sense when she thought about it.

  “Because you’re my friend.”

  “I lied to you.”

  “Oh, honey, we all do things we probably shouldn’t. We do them for our jobs. We do them to survive. We do them because we love someone. When the chips were down, you picked him and that’s all I need to know. I hope that you’re smart enough to pick yourself when the chips are down the next time.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that I think walking away from Jesse would be an act of sacrifice you don’t need to make. When you have to decide between him and your job, between him and your first husband—and somewhere in your slightly fucked-up head that’s happening—choose what will make you happy. Choose a future, not the past. Choose us because guess what, we come with him in all our glory and that includes a head of the family who likes to flog people. I also chose you because you won’t use this time to try to get my husband to cheat on me.” She turned suddenly, pointing a finger at a blonde girl who shrank back. “That’s right. I’m talking about you. I hear everything and I will murder you if you touch him.” When she turned back to Phoebe, she had a hand on her belly, rubbing it thoughtfully. “After the baby. I’m not actually allowed to murder anyone while I’m pregnant.” She leaned in. “And that girl back there didn’t actually touch him. She just mentioned to someone that Ian was probably sexually frustrated because his wife is a whale and she offered to take care of him.”

  “I’m not pregnant. I could murder her.” She hated mean girls. Loathed them. It was one of the great things about the McKay-Taggart women. They supported each other. They were kind to each other even though they could be deeply sarcastic about it.

  “See, you fit right in now.” Charlotte nodded toward the stage. “They’re ready. And don’t worry about Ian. He’ll take care of you. You don’t know it yet, but you are one of us.”

  It was a sweet thought, but she certainly hadn’t earned it. She stepped up to the stairs, deeply aware of the crowd around her. She turned to her right and there was a woman in a corset smiling at her with encouragement. She was a bigger girl, very likely considered overweight in the outside world, but here she was beautiful. Here, she was accepted.

  It suddenly occurred to her that Ian Taggart hadn’t liked the outside world very much. They were alike in that thinking. But while she’d simply put up walls to keep it out, Ian had done something about it. He’d created his own world and invited people in. He’d built a place where he felt comfortable and in doing so made others comfortable with themselves.

  He’d built something lovely.

  Jesse stood at the edge of the stage, his hand out to help her up. God, she loved how big his hands were, how callused they were. His hands were solid. They were hands that had worked, hands that protected. She slid hers into his and immediately felt stronger. “Think about this for a moment, Phoebe. You know he can’t flog you in that corset.”

  Naked. She would have to be naked from the waist up, of course, though no one had to see her except Jesse. She turned and looked at the crowd. They weren’t all gorgeous. Many were normal and yet there was such beauty in their acceptance of themselves and others. “Can you help me out of it? I had to find Avery to help cinch me in.”

  Now Avery was watching from the sidelines with Li. She gave Phoebe a thumbs-up.

  Even with Ten and Jamie, she’d been a little apart because she was the only woman. They could love her, but they would never understand what it meant to be her. Charlotte and Avery understood, and that somehow made it easy to decide to shed her armor. And hey, the corset hadn’t covered much anyway.

  Jesse’s lips quirked up in a crazy, sexy smile. “Really?”

  A confidence like she’d never felt before poured through her. “Yeah, really.”

  He would like her. He would praise her and it would be okay.

  “Come here.” His voice went deep, his stance suddenly very straight and proud. It made his shoulders even wider, his chest and abs stand out. Not that they needed much help. He was wearing nothing over them but a leather vest that seemed to showcase just how often the boy worked out. His muscles were perfectly cut and she suddenly had the deepest desire to touch them. “You belong to me tonight. In this place and for this one night, you’re mine.”

  Just one night. Just one place. It was unreal, like a few hours that would only really exist in a dream. She could be his for a little while. For a few moments, she could find that safe place Charlotte had talked about. It wouldn’t be a betr
ayal of James. It was just a momentary vacation from reality. “Yes.”

  He pulled her close and his hands went to the back of her corset. “Ian, could you give me a knife?”

  Before she knew what was happening, she felt pressure as the corset pulled tight and then blessed relief as it completely let go. She hadn’t realized how tight it had been, how hard it was to breathe. Oh, and she definitely hadn’t known how good the cool air would feel on her skin. Jesse pulled the corset apart and her spine tingled with the delicious chill.

  But only for a moment because the chill was replaced with the heat of those big hands rubbing over her body. As soon as Jesse handed the corset and knife to Ian, he immediately ran his hands down the line of her spine. His head turned down, his eyes going right to her breasts.

  Her nipples perked up and no matter what Charlotte had said about this scene being impersonal, she was wrong. Taggart might be wielding the flogger, but this scene was really about her and Jesse, and there was nothing impersonal about that. He’d never seen her breasts before, but she couldn’t hide them again when he was so obviously enjoying the view. His eyes were hot on her skin and he pulled on her hips, bringing her into contact with his lower body.

  Yes. He liked her breasts quite a bit. His erection pressed against her belly. The few times that had happened, he’d shied away, but not this time. This time he looked right at her, confidence evident in the way he held himself. “Yeah, that’s for you. That’s what you do to me.”

  Desire was a drug thrumming through her system, making the whole world seem softer than it had before, slightly unreal. She didn’t argue when he gently turned her, his hands going to her hips as he displayed her to the crowd.

  Crap. She was an exhibitionist. There was no way to fool herself. She was hot and bothered and it was mostly about the fact that Jesse’s hands were on her, but she had to admit, she liked being half naked in front of the crowd. She should be shrinking back, covering up.

  Why? Why should she? Because someone told her she should? Charlotte was right. This place was safe.

  “I have a beautiful sub, Master Ian,” Jesse said. “I like showing her off.”

  “She is lovely, Master Jesse.” Ian Taggart was looking at her breasts, but with an almost clinical detachment. “You’re a lucky man. Now let’s see if we can get her to relax.”

  He turned and began showing off the floggers he held, explaining what they were made of and how important it was that they be properly matched and weighted for Florentine flogging. Jesse led her back to the cross as Taggart continued his lecture. She heard his voice but her focus was on Jesse’s hands, his body, as he shrugged out of his vest and all she could see was his beautifully muscled chest. He placed his back toward the cross and spread his legs wide, boots solid against the floor.

  “Stand on my feet. It will put you in the proper position.”

  “I’m heavy.” It would seem odd to be so close to him, almost dependent on him.

  “None of that. I don’t want to have to stop the scene and spank you.”

  He would do just that. She could see that this was a different Jesse, and she found him fascinating. She stepped up, placing her bare feet on top of his boots. His hands found her waist, balancing her. It was easy to let her chest rest against his. Her breasts against his chest, her legs rubbing the leather pants that covered his body. Warmth immediately suffused her and her skin felt alive. She turned her face and allowed herself to really study him for the first time. She’d pushed him away too many times because she thought she should. Now she took in the planes of his face, the way his jaw squared. His lips were sensual, big and so kissable she wanted to run her tongue across them. His blond hair was too short. If he was hers, she’d get him to grow it out so it was thick and wavy and she could sink her fingers into it. Blue eyes stared down at her, so serious.

  “Relax. I’ll be able to feel your reactions. I’ll be watching you.”

  He would take care of her. She wouldn’t be alone for a moment.

  She laid her head against his shoulder.

  A sexy beat began, spilling from the speakers that dotted the club. She heard Ian explain that it was helpful to keep a beat.

  “He’s going to start now. He’s going to be easy at first.”

  She couldn’t help it. She tensed up, but Jesse was right there, whispering in her ear. “It’s all right. It’s going to be good. You can stop at any moment.”

  But it occurred to her that she’d been stopping far too often. She’d been screaming a safe word at the universe for years, and she wasn’t safer or happier for it. She was just lonely and afraid.

  She had a choice and she chose to lay her head back down, to trust Jesse and the very man who should hate her. She had to trust Taggart or go back to her room and cling to her side of the bed because she was too guilty and afraid to lie in Jesse’s arms.

  The first thud hit her shoulder, a little whisper across her skin. It was followed by a twin caress on her opposite side. It wasn’t bad. It was nice, a brushing of soft falls over her flesh.

  She opened her senses, allowing touch and sound to rule. So often she lived only in her head, ignoring her body like it was secondary and somewhat useless in comparison. She chose intellect over everything else, but now she allowed herself to simply feel, to hear without questioning.

  Thud. Thud. Thud. Like a train running endlessly down the tracks. Not in a hurry. No particular destination, traveling to simply travel.

  Thud. Thud. Thud. Like the horse she’d learn to ride on, big hooves eating the distance, joy in the freedom of riding.

  Thud. Thud. Thud. Though she was still, she felt as if she was moving, the insistent thud of the flogger taking her someplace she’d never been before.

  Taggart kept pace with the music, his flogger moving in time to the rhythm. Over and over he struck with loving precision, bringing her skin alive. He struck her shoulders, her butt, the tops of her thighs. She could feel the almost circular pattern he was making, but after a moment, she took a breath and stopped thinking about the academics of the situation. She let out the air and felt her muscles relaxing even as the strikes got harder.

  No pain. There was no pain from his flogger, just a hard thud, striking her and forcing the tension to flee.

  She felt loose, like her muscles were melting in the most pleasant way. There was heat and pleasure at her back, but Jesse was at her front. She was surrounded and she gave in, allowing herself to sink into the sensation of being wrapped in tactile pleasure.

  “I can feel you,” Jesse whispered against her ear. “I felt the moment you gave over. Do you know how beautiful you are?”

  She didn’t answer him. It wasn’t really a question. He continued to murmur in her ear, his words somehow matching the floggers beat. They drugged her further, taking her to a place where there wasn’t a lonely future, no tragic past. There was only the now, and it was full of possibility. She didn’t have to be Phoebe Grant, grieving widow. She was just a woman, relaxed and submissive in the arms of her lover.

  She wanted to be his lover. Even if it was only for a night.

  The thought whispered along her brain. She could steal a few days. She didn’t have to be alone. No one had to know.

  “She subs out fast.”

  “I think she needed that.”

  They were talking, Taggart and Jesse, and she realized that the wonderful thudding had stopped. “It’s already over?”

  Taggart chuckled. “That was a good fifteen minutes. I think it’s enough for your first time.”

  How had it been so long? If she’d been asked, she would have said she’d been held by Jesse for a fraction of the time.

  “I think she needs some aftercare, my brother,” Taggart said as Jesse lifted her up.

  It was a good thing because her knees were distinctly weak. Her whole body felt loose and her head sweetly befuddled.

  How had she gotten high off some dude flogging her?

  “Because you’re a sub.” Jes
se grinned down at her as he started to move off the stage.

  Had she said that out loud? She felt small in his arms, small and protected. It was so easy to cuddle down and allow him to take over. She let her eyes drift closed, but she wasn’t about to fall into sleep. She wanted something more. She wanted a memory of him.

  “I think we can handle the aftercare upstairs.” He reached the back stairs that led to the second floor and their private quarters. “Do you want me to draw you a bath or do you just want me to tuck you into bed?”

  “I want you to make love to me.”

  He stopped in the middle of the stairs. “What?”

  “Make love to me.”

  He stared for a moment and then he picked up the pace, practically running to get to their room.

  No matter what happened, she would have her night with him. She would have one memory of the man she shouldn’t love.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Jesse hurried down the hallway. From downstairs, music thudded up softly, but he was no longer tempted to go back to the club. He’d thought he would settle Phoebe in and then go back down for one last beer, but there was no way he wasn’t honoring her request.

  He’d had some hope that she would let him rub her feet and talk about how the scene had made her feel. He’d never imagined that her aftercare request would involve actual sex.

  Should it?

  He kicked open the door and made his way to the bed. She was a soft bundle in his arms. He would have been content to simply hold her. She was warm and half naked, and he would likely never forget that moment when he’d slid the corset off her and saw her breasts for the first time. They were perfect. Round and just enough to fill his hands. He’d loved the way her nipples had felt against his chest, the way she’d leaned into him when she gave over.

  It had been the single most intimate moment of his life and he didn’t want it to end. No matter what he told himself, he wanted more with her, and not in some dumbass, dump-her-afterward way so he could feel better about himself. That had been a momentary insanity. Now that he was alone in the room with her and her skin glowed like a pearl, he was willing to admit he would take any time he could get with this woman. He would take anything she offered him and be grateful for the time they had.