You_Only_Love_Twice_ARE

by Lexi Blake

  “I’m sorry, Jesse. She’s going to regret it in the end. I’ll go talk to her.” He reached into a briefcase and pulled out the files. “I was going to have you look at them even before you figured it out. You’re a good operative, Murdoch. I would be proud to have you on my team.”

  “You would be dead because you’re not poaching anyone else,” Tag swore.

  Ten gave him a little salute. “I’ll remember that. Go over those files with Murdoch for me.”

  “Does that mean I’ve got my clearance back?” Tag asked.

  “You never lost it,” Ten admitted. “I never took you off. I always hoped we could work something out. Now I hope I can make my sister see reason. I always was an optimist.”

  Ten closed the door behind him.

  “You okay?” Tag asked as he divided up the files

  He was hollowed out. He was empty. “I’m good.”

  “That’s what I like about you, Murdoch.” Tag handed him half the files and they got to work. “No matter what, you say you’re good. Just know we’re here for you. All of us. If you need to talk, I got Alex on speed dial.”

  That was his boss. The good thing was, he wasn’t much of a talker so he and Big Tag could get along. “I’d rather you just got me a beer.”

  Tag slapped him on the shoulder. “You’re my favorite. I’ll be right back. We’re getting this solved, Jesse. And if you want my two cents, she’s an idiot. I’ll get us both a beer and we can figure out which one of these boys is a crazy asshole who we’re going to take out a little rage on.”

  He stepped out of the room and Jesse stared at the door. He was damn glad that he still had his family. He was glad he’d done his job and he didn’t need to leave.

  But the most important door had closed, too, and he was fairly certain Phoebe wouldn’t open it again.

  * * * *

  Phoebe couldn’t breathe. She tried to but then she would think about the fact that there was no way Jesse didn’t hate her now. He would loathe her. The only man alive she’d made love with and he was going to hate her because Ten had decided he wasn’t the enemy.

  She knew he wasn’t the enemy. She’d known it for a long time, but that didn’t mean he had to know everything. God, she couldn’t be with him. She knew that now. She’d wrecked him the night before and she hadn’t meant to. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jesse more than she had. She’d made every mistake she could with him. She didn’t even deserve a chance to apologize, though she’d hoped to try.

  What would she apologize about? She would have to pick from a long list. I’m sorry I lied about my identity. I’m sorry I planted bugs in your apartment and let my brother spy on you. I’m sorry I ruined last night.

  I’m sorry I’m the one who came up with the plan that ruined your life, killed my husband, and still tortures you to this day.

  He would be right to hate her.

  She felt like she was twelve again and being kicked out of yet another home. She could still hear the voices of the bad foster parents telling her there was something wrong with her, that she ruined everything. All these years later and she could still hear them when she couldn’t even remember the names of the ones who had been kind to her. There had been several. Men and women who had helped but for one reason or another, she’d had to leave those homes, too.

  “Phoebe!”

  She picked up the pace, not wanting to deal with Ten. She flew up the stairs. He didn’t understand. Ten didn’t love anyone. Not really. Oh, she knew he loved her as much as Ten could possibly love someone. Ten was funny and fierce and so guarded. She knew he would kill or die for her, but why couldn’t he keep one damn secret?

  She managed to get to her bedroom. To the room where she’d made love with Jesse. She wasn’t about to fool herself. It hadn’t been sex, and that made it so much worse. It had been the best night of her life and just for a moment, she hadn’t been able to remember what Jamie looked like. It had been just a second, but Jesse had clouded her vision, her heart, to the point that Jamie had been lost again, and she couldn’t allow that to happen. If she lost Jamie, he would really be gone forever.

  She started to shut the door but a cowboy boot got in the way.

  “Hey, I need to talk to you.”

  “Go away.” She pushed on the door.

  Ten proved he was stronger. He simply pushed back and the door came open. “Are we pretending to be obnoxious teenagers again? What the hell was that scene downstairs?”

  Nope. He wouldn’t understand. She loved her brother but he had all the sensitivity of a rhinoceros. He was wrong about Tag making him look good. “I would like you to leave.”

  He closed the door behind him. “Phoebe, what the hell is going on with you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want a new assignment.” She had to deal with the fact that not only was Ten her brother, he was her boss. He controlled the only part of her life that held any meaning now. “I would really like to go back to Virginia.”

  His face went stony. “No.”

  “No? What do you mean no?” He couldn’t just say no.

  “I mean I’m not sending you back to Virginia. You would be right back where you started. You would sit in that house and you would mourn him and let your life waste away. I will not be a party to that.”

  She could concede on that point, but she had another plan ready. “Fine. Send me back to Asia. I’m sure you need someone over there with my skills.”

  “Where you can waste your life pretending to be someone else?” Ten stepped into the room, his eyes going straight to the bed. There was no way he could miss the rumpled sheets or the damn condom wrapper on the nightstand. Why hadn’t she gotten rid of that? She’d been running late this morning and she hadn’t cleaned up anything but herself. Ten picked up the wrapper, holding it up. “Goddamn it, Phoebe.”

  Shit. She didn’t need his judgment. “That’s none of your business.”

  “Everything you do is my business.”

  Embarrassment flashed through her system. When had Ten started acting more like her dad than her brother? “Ten, it didn’t mean anything. It was a mistake.”

  He shook his head and tossed the wrapper in the trash. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say. And that’s exactly why I won’t put you back into active duty.”

  “What do you mean? Are you that angry that I cheated on Jamie.”

  “You can’t cheat on Jamie.” Ten’s hands fisted at his sides. “Jamie is dead. Jamie is buried and he ain’t coming back. I’m benching you because you want to join him, because you are actively seeking to kill yourself and I won’t be a part of it. I won’t. I will not bury another sibling.”

  She couldn’t blame him for thinking that way, but he had to see that she needed to work. “I’m not being reckless, Ten.”

  He started to pace, a sure sign that he was upset. “No? You’re being stupid if you really think sleeping with a man who obviously adores you is a mistake. You should have been purring in his lap this morning, but you barely looked at him. I knew something was wrong with the two of you. I thought you’d had a fight, but that isn’t what happened. You didn’t fight. You fucked and then you felt guilty. What did you do? Throw him out?”

  “No. I locked myself in the bathroom. When I came out, he’d moved into the other room.” She could still hear him promising not to bother her, swearing he wouldn’t touch her again if she would just stop crying. He’d said he couldn’t stand to hear her cry.

  “You are being a fool. That boy would do anything for you.”

  Tears clouded her eyes. “He’s wonderful, but I can’t. I’m not ready.”

  “And you’ll never be ready because you refuse to let go.” He took a deep breath and stepped toward her. “You have to know he wouldn’t want this for you. Jamie wouldn’t want you to go through this. He would want you to be happy.”

  “Then he shouldn’t have died.” The old bitterness welled up. Sometimes she just ached for him but she also ha
d moments when she hated the universe and everything in it for being alive when he was dead.

  She’d forgotten the ache and pain while she’d been in Jesse’s arms. For just a second, she’d been alive again and the world held potential.

  “If you had been the one to die, would you want him to go on without you? Would you want him to ache for the rest of his life?”

  Why couldn’t he understand? “I loved him. How can you want me to forget him?”

  “Because you have a life to live. Because you’ll have more years without him than you ever had with him and you have to move on. You can’t live every one of those years in mourning. I miss him, too. I have to move on or I’ll go crazy. Don’t you remember all the things you wanted out of life? You wanted to be a mom.”

  “I wanted to have Jamie’s baby.”

  Ten stopped in front of her. “That is no longer an option and it’s such a fucking shame because I think you would have been a great mom. I know this sounds so stupid, but I wanted that family, too. I wanted you and Jamie to breed like rabbits and get out of the service. I wanted you two in that big house Dad left us, raising babies and horses and having a good life. When I used to think about why I do what I do, it was always so you and Jamie could be happy and safe and so that I could go to your place for Thanksgiving and be weird Uncle Ten who likes to hold babies and play catch with the kids.”

  The sweetness of the vision pierced her, making her ache all over again. “I wanted that, too. I never meant to be a lifer. Plans change.”

  “But they didn’t and that’s what’s killing me now. Yes, Jamie died and we will mourn him forever, but we have to move on. I don’t know what I believe in—God, the universe, whatever—but I do know that you are being given a second chance and you’re too stubborn to take it. You will never find another man like the one you just walked out on.”

  She wasn’t about to argue with him about Jesse. “He’s so good. I care about Jesse, but you have to know that you just wrecked everything. Any chance we had of being friends is gone. He can’t forgive me for what I did. I came up with the plan that sent him into hell. I did that. I’ve been lying to him. He didn’t know Jamie was with him.”

  “He still doesn’t know.”

  “What?”

  “He wouldn’t let me tell him. He said if it hurt you for him to know, then he didn’t need to know.” Ten sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, looking wearier than she’d ever seen him. “I’ve gone over every possible scenario in my head. He’s too good to be true. I’ve even thought about the fact that if someone wanted to send in a sleeper, it would be interesting to send in one no one else trusts. Hide him in plain sight. Jesse would be perfect. You could train him to know what to say, how to act, how to look vulnerable enough that someone like Taggart would want to protect him, train him, give him access. Like I just gave him access to top secret files.”

  “I can’t believe you gave him clearance.” She knew he was trustworthy. It just wasn’t like Ten to change his mind.

  Ten nodded slowly. “There comes a time when you have to put the past aside, put paranoia and experience aside and go with your gut. Sometimes things aren’t what they seem, but every now and then they’re exactly what they look like. I viewed him through the eyes of an operative and a man who lost his brother and was looking for someone, anyone to blame for it. But it changed when I did one thing.”

  “What was that?”

  “I decided to look at him through your eyes. And I made a decision. I will trust him. I would trust him with you and therefore I’ll trust him with my life, too, and the lives of every person in this country. He won’t let us down.”

  “He doesn’t know?” A little hope lit inside her. Why, she wasn’t sure. She just knew she didn’t want him to hate her. Even if he never spoke to her again, she didn’t want him to curse her name and wish he’d never met her.

  “He wouldn’t let me tell him.”

  “We can’t let him die.” She didn’t want to even think about a world where he wasn’t alive and vibrant and so sweet it hurt to look at him.

  Sometimes he wasn’t so sweet. Sometimes he was in control, demanding. Yes, she’d liked that Jesse, too.

  She turned and looked out the window. In the distance, she could see the McKay-Taggart building. She probably wouldn’t be going back there. She wouldn’t see all those kids again.

  “Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing him away?” Ten asked.

  “Because I can still feel Jamie. It’s like he’s still here with me.” She could feel his arms around her, sense him close. It had almost gone away, but if she concentrated hard enough, she just knew she could get it back.

  “If he is, it’s because you won’t let him go. I don’t know what happens when we die, but I know Jamie wouldn’t want you to hold him here. And he probably couldn’t leave until he knew you were safe. You’re safe with Murdoch. Let him rest, Phoebe.”

  It wasn’t the only reason she couldn’t be with Jesse. “Do you think some people are just cursed? Like nothing can really go right for them.”

  She heard him moving and then his arms came around her. For so long the only people she had any kind of affectionate contact with had been Jamie and Ten.

  “I think some people are too stubborn to see what’s right in front of them. My mother dumped me in a trash bin. She meant for me to die. I should have died. From what I understand, I was dead when they did find me. It was just luck, you know. Some bum was poking around, looking for food. He found me and I was blue. Most bums would have run to get help or maybe just run. Not this one. No, he was a former Army medic down on his luck. He held me in his arms and did CPR. He brought me back and wrapped me in his coat and walked two miles to the police station. How random is it that a fucking former Army medic just happened to fall on hard times and just happened to pick that trash bin at exactly the right time? You know how Franklin found me?”

  When she thought about how close Ten had come to not existing, to being nothing more than a baby no one wanted, her heart clenched. She covered his hands with hers. “I thought you won a sharp-shooting contest.”

  “Hell, I didn’t have the money to enter a damn thing. I had a foster dad who taught me how to shoot. He was a good man. I was with him for a long time before he got cancer and had to let me go. I snuck in. I stole one of the entrant’s badges. I don’t even really know why I did except I wanted to remember what it felt like to be with him. They figured out I hadn’t paid after I won and they were calling the cops on me.”

  “And that’s when Franklin showed up, right?”

  “Nah, that’s when Jamie distracted them long enough for me to run.” Ten laughed. “I ran right into Dad. I remember him looking down at me and saying a boy who could shoot like that didn’t have to run from anything. Two days later, I was living with him, going to a prep school. It seemed random, coincidental. Maybe it was. Maybe it could have gone another way, but it didn’t and that’s how I found my family. I just can’t accept after everything we went through that none of us gets to be happy. You have a shot with Murdoch. Jamie would want you to take it.”

  “I was happy. I was happy when it was you and me and Jamie, and accepting anything less seems wrong.” But it wasn’t less, she realized suddenly. What she had with Jesse wasn’t less. It was different. It was special. “I could love him. I just can’t let myself. I would be living a lie. How would Jesse feel if he woke up one day and realized I had lied to him about my part in his capture?”

  “You made a command decision. I honestly think he’ll understand. What he won’t understand is why you didn’t trust him enough to tell him.” His arms tightened around her. “I’m leaving you here, sister, and that’s an order. When Murdoch goes to Dubai, you’re going with him.”

  “And after the op is over?”

  “I’ll tackle that problem when it comes, but you should know I won’t be able to send you back to Virginia alone. If you make that choice, then I’ll go, too.”

&nbs
p; “You’re already based in Virginia.”

  “No, Phoebe. If you go back, I’ll quit the Agency. I’ll do it because my main job in life will be to watch over you, to protect you—even from yourself.” She felt him lay a brotherly kiss on her cheek before letting go. “Hell, maybe we can open a brother/sister detective agency. That oughta be good for a laugh. You think about what I said. I’m going to help Tag and Murdoch, and by help I mean I’m going to help myself to their Scotch because it’s already been an excruciatingly long day.”

  She heard him step away and the door closed. She looked out into the distance. After a long moment she closed her eyes and tried to bring up that picture of Jamie that was always right there.

  All she could see was Jesse. She feared she’d traded one ghost for another because Jesse seemed as far from her as Jamie was.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Jesse stared at the files in front of him. He’d been staring for so damn long the words were starting to blend together. It felt like he’d been looking at them for hours. He glanced up at the clock. Yeah. It had been hours. Hours and he still wasn’t any closer.

  Every man on Ten’s team was remarkable in some way. Ace could fly anything with wings. Boomer was a sniper of extraordinary talent. Deke had forgotten more about explosives than most people knew. Hutch was a hacker to rival Adam and Chelsea, while Bear was a mechanical genius. Michael Malone had an IQ off the charts, and the two younger Taggarts were already taking after their older brothers and showing great leadership skills.

  Unfortunately, not a single one of the files had a red flag on it that said “also turned into a traitor by crazy freak.” He knew he should discount most of the team and simply look at the ones who had been taken for periods of time, but he had to consider everything.

  He sat back, rubbing the space between his eyes.

  “Can I get you anything?”

  He turned and Phoebe stood in the doorway to the conference room. She’d taken her hair back down and looked more like the Phoebe he knew. Maybe it had been easier when she looked cool and professional. His dick reacted to softer Phoebe. His dick was a perpetual optimist. It was also a moron that didn’t know when to stop. “Nah, I’m fine.”