You_Only_Love_Twice_ARE

by Lexi Blake

  “My husband’s name was James, Jamie. He was probably the first real friend I ever made. There were some in a couple of the foster homes, but mostly I tried to keep to myself. My mom OD’d when I was a kid. I spent most of our time together taking care of her, hiding stuff from the authorities when a teacher got suspicious. After she died, I really shut down. It wasn’t all bad, but none of the good stuff stuck with me until I met my dad and Jamie and Ten.”

  He was curious about her background. No file could really tell him what it was like for her. Despite the fact that he’d had a home, he’d been as lonely as she was. “Your dad wanted to recruit you?”

  “Yes, but it wasn’t as cold as it sounds. I don’t know. It’s the same with any family. I can tell you what it was like, but only Jamie, Ten, and I really understood. Dad wasn’t a bad man. He believed in his country and he thought he was doing good. I think if he hadn’t taken me and Ten off the streets, we would be dead or in jail by now. I don’t know about Jamie, but then I’m not exactly unbiased when I talk about him. Ten thinks I put him on a pedestal.”

  “You were in love with him. You should have.” He knew deep down that he should be jealous of this guy. Jamie Grant still had a hold on Phoebe’s heart even after all these years. And yet he was able to summon up nothing more than sympathy for a man who’d died. He’d died serving his country. He didn’t want Phoebe to think less of James even if it would help his case. “I told you. I know you’re always going to love him. I just ask that you love me, too.”

  She stopped, her eyes closing, and she took a deep breath before she opened them again. “I do love you, Jesse Murdoch. I didn’t think I could ever love anyone again, but I can’t deny it.”

  “Then know that everything is going to be all right.”

  Her eyes slid away from his as she continued. “After college, we went into training and then we started working under my father’s direction. I spent some time in Asia and Jamie and Ten went straight to the Middle East. Jamie and I got married. And then my dad died and Ten took over some of his responsibilities. Of all of us, Ten was the truly brilliant operative. A couple of years back, he started hearing rumors about US corporations and politicians working with hostiles in Iraq. They were after resources and business interests, of course. It wasn’t unusual, but I started to think that one of their payoffs was handing over troop movements and US Army intelligence.”

  That was a kick in the gut. He knew there were always people willing to sell out soldiers for cash, but the thought of elected politicians being involved made him pause. They had influence. They could potentially not simply hand over Army intelligence, but actively influence Army strategy. “Did you find the evidence?”

  “We needed to move around with impunity. There were people we needed to interview, but Iraq was a massive war zone at the time. I came up with the idea of embedding an operative in an Army unit.”

  “What?”

  She nodded, resuming her pacing. “You heard me. I thought people would talk more freely to a soldier than an operative. Some of the people we needed to interview were soldiers themselves.”

  “We didn’t like to talk to spooks.” He had an inkling of where she was going. When had her husband died? What year? What time?

  “See. I knew that. That’s exactly what I was trying to avoid by embedding our own. And it worked. The operative hadn’t served more than a few weeks when he came up with something.”

  “Don’t call him the operative. I’m dumb, but I’m not stupid.” The words came out harsher than he’d intended, but now that he was here, he found himself getting emotional.

  If he was right…oh, god, if he was fucking right, so much made sense. And he had a story of his own for her.

  She paled and then nodded, her movements almost robotic. “Jamie. It was Jamie. I picked a unit that was close to the action and that routinely patrolled some of the areas where the informants were.”

  “Phoebe, was it my unit?”

  “Yes.”

  Jamie. Jimmy. The kid who’d joined them three weeks before it had all gone to hell. He’d actually gone on a couple of those interviews with him. Such a dumbass. He’d believed the story that Jimmy’s stepmother was Iraqi and that was how he’d spoken such fluent Farsi. He’d been thrilled at the time because they’d lost their translator. So very stupid to believe. It made sense now. “Private James Greene. He didn’t call himself Jamie though. Jimmy.”

  “It’s always good to come close to the truth,” she said in a monotone. “That’s why I used my real first name and a close last name when I came to McKay-Taggart. If you looked me up, you wouldn’t find the real Phoebe Grant along with my construct and I can remember it easily.”

  “He was a good soldier.” He’d been brave during the one firefight they’d gotten into. He’d held his line and hadn’t panicked. He’d had Jesse’s back.

  “He wasn’t a soldier.”

  “For those few weeks, he was. He did his job and he did it well.” How the hell was he going to tell her what he needed to say? Now it all made sense. At the time, it had been the mutterings of a dying man. “He didn’t endanger us. Is that what you’re worried I’ll think?”

  Her hands became fists at her sides. “I endangered you, Jesse. It was my plan and it backfired. Somehow it got out that an operative was coming in with information. Jamie was due to come home and he was bringing his intelligence with him.”

  “And that’s when we were captured.” The truth hit him. He’d been captured because the Agency had been playing spy games. Phoebe had come up with the plan. She’d pulled the trigger and he and his unit had paid the price. “He was trying to turn the CIA agent.” Jesse couldn’t help but laugh. It was a bitter sound. “The idiot thought it was me.”

  “Yes. Maybe it was because your names were similar. You look a little alike. Jamie always looked younger than his years, so maybe that was the problem. You probably looked more like the age of the operative than him. But yes, I believe the Caliph mistook you for Jamie and that was why he tortured you.”

  And she’d taken all that guilt and pain on herself. Or was there another reason she was pulling away from him? It hurt. It was a real physical pain to even think it. “Were you mad? Were you angry that I survived and he didn’t?”

  Her eyes slid away, focusing on the floor. “At first. At first I believed everything they said about you.”

  “You thought I turned. You didn’t realize they thought I was Jamie.”

  “I thought maybe you had sold him out.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “I know that now.”

  And it wasn’t fair to ask her if she was happy now that he’d survived. She couldn’t be. She could never be happy that her husband had died, but he had to make her see that somehow, someway Jesse had survived for her. “You didn’t sell him out either. And you didn’t sell me out. You had a problem and you came up with a solution that made sense.”

  “I came up with a solution that got everyone killed.”

  “That’s what happens in war. Your husband and I both knew the risks. We both understood going in what could happen and we made the choice. We chose to serve, and that means we chose to die if the sacrifice must be made. I was ready to die for my country.”

  “It wasn’t your country you were going to die for. It was some fucking businessman who wanted to make a profit.”

  Finally she made some sense. “Yes. Yes, it was. So stop blaming yourself and let’s look to finding him. Our first step is to find the Caliph. He’ll lead us to whoever this man is. After we’re married, that is. And I think it would be easier to do it with my team. The Agency seems to have some problems right now.”

  She stared at him for a moment. “Have you heard a word I’ve said?”

  “Yes. Is that all?”

  “Isn’t it enough? Jesse, I’m the reason you were tortured.”

  He managed to stifle a sigh. “No. The Caliph is the reason I was tortured. You merely did your job. Am I surprised
? Yes, and for reasons you’ll understand in a moment, but I told you. It doesn’t matter. I love you. I’m standing by you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he gave you to me. Because I’ve searched and searched for one good thing to come out of this, for the fucking universe to give me a goddamn break, and I found it. It was always you, Phoebe. I went through hell but it led me to my family and it led me to my wife. I would do it all over again.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s my turn to talk and I’m going to tell you something I haven’t told another soul.”

  She shook her head. “Jesse, I can’t.”

  “You can because I have a message for you. One man who loved you, he gave a message to another man—a man who would come to love you.”

  “Jamie? Jamie talked to you? I don’t know if I want to know. Did he hate me for sending him there?”

  “Oh, he loved you. He was in the cell next to mine and he talked about his wife and brother. He never told me your name. Always just called you his wife or his love. He wasn’t angry at the end, Phoebe. He tried to keep my spirits up. He told me his brother would find us. I thought he was a little crazy at that point. Now I know he was talking about Ten.”

  “We tried.”

  “Hush, he knew. He knew you and Ten were out there. He knew you wouldn’t give up. Phoebe, the night he died he gave me a message. He was out of it. Broken, but he said one thing. God, I wish I’d thought about it for two seconds. You showed me those movies and now I understand. Those books, they were your shorthand, right?”

  “What?”

  “He told me to find you for him and give you one message. Be the girl who lived. He said it over and over, like a mantra. Be the girl who lived. Harry Potter was the boy who lived, right?”

  “Yes. He lived because his mother loved him so much she protected him from real evil.”

  “He loved you and he might not have known it at the time, but he sent me to love you, too. I know that because the last words that man said to me were take care of my girl. I thought he meant to find you, make sure you were safe, and maybe that was all he meant, but that wasn’t what happened.” He stepped up to her, knowing in his heart what Jamie Grant wanted for his wife. He knew because he loved her, too, and if he’d been the other man, he would have wanted the same thing. “He wants you to live, Phoebe, and not in some half-assed, waiting to see him again way. He wants you to live every moment with passion. He wants you to have a beautiful life and when it’s over, if there’s any way for him to see you again, he will. He will wait for you and he won’t ask you to choose between us. If there’s some magical afterlife, get ready for a ménage because we both love you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I know one thing. I know what it means to love Phoebe Grant, to want to protect and adore her. So I know what Jamie would want. Marry me, Phoebe. Take the chance again because it’s worth it. Because we’re worth it.”

  Tears flowed down her cheeks and a sob was wrenched from her chest. He’d seen her cry, but not quite like this. He held her tight because this was a storm and he would never leave her alone. He held on while she wept and couldn’t help but cry a little with her. For her and Jamie. For himself.

  “I love you, Phoebe. I love you.” He told her over and over again because she’d been deprived of hearing it. If he said it enough, maybe she would believe it.

  Finally, she began to quiet and her arms wrapped around him. He kissed her and then slowly undressed her. He was certain she’d dressed for a quick retreat, but now those little bits of armor were no longer needed. He smoothed the clothes off her, worshipping her body with his lips, murmuring “I love you” as though he could breathe it through her flesh and into her soul.

  He eased them both back, settling on the bed. The world had long since turned to night and a sweet weariness settled over him, like he’d done a good day’s work and it was time to rest.

  She settled her head on his chest. “I love you, Jesse.”

  He brought the covers over them. “Will you marry me? You said yes before but that was easy because you thought I would walk away. Now you know I won’t ever leave you, not if it’s in my control. But I could die. I want whatever time I have on this earth to be spent loving you, Phoebe. So I’m going to ask you again. Will you marry me?”

  “Yes. And I’ll stay with you. I’ll stay here with you and we’ll finish this together.”

  Together. It was everything he wanted.

  He held her close and slept.

  * * * *

  Phoebe stepped out into the hallway, closing her robe around her. The sun wasn’t up yet, though it wouldn’t be long. Phoebe had slept for the longest time, missing dinner and whatever discussions had happened among the team. She’d woken and showered and couldn’t quite slip back into bed without trying to talk to Ten first. There was very little time before they were all supposed to be at the airfield. She’d made her decision and she prayed he understood.

  “Hey.” Ten sat in the suite’s shared living area, staring down at his computer. “I was wondering if I was going to have to wake you up. My flight’s in two hours.”

  “I have to talk to you about that.”

  His face came up, an affectionate smile belying the weariness she saw there. “I said my flight, sis. I know you’re not going to be on it. I knew it the minute he kicked in that door. Well, and when the screams started. You could spare me those. Please.”

  She felt herself blush. “Sorry.”

  He gave her a wan grin. “You tell that boy he better take care of you or he’ll answer to me.”

  Relief washed over her. At least she didn’t have to convince Ten. “I love him.”

  Ten closed his laptop and stood up. “I’m so glad. I’m glad you found your way out.” He closed the space between them and enveloped her in one of his big, all-encompassing hugs. “I’m going to miss working with you, but I expect to be invited to all your very normal holiday celebrations. Well, normal if Taggart doesn’t show up.”

  She held on to the man who’d been her brother for half her life now. When she thought about it, he’d always been her brother. They just had to find their way to each other. Family was like that sometimes. “You have to promise you’ll come and visit us often.”

  He squeezed her tight. “I promise I’ll try. Hell, darlin’, I might be sleeping on your couch soon.”

  Because he wasn’t certain of his job. She was scared about that too. “I think we could find you a spare bedroom.”

  He kissed the top of her head and then moved away, sitting back down and crossing one leg over the other. He hadn’t changed clothes. He was still in his usual uniform. Black T-shirt, jeans, and boots. “I’m sure Murdoch would love having a roommate. I’m putting him on a clock, by the way. He’s got a year to ask you to marry him.”

  “He already did.”

  “Damn. That boy works fast. You say yes?”

  She nodded. “I did. I know it’s quick and…”

  He held out a hand. “No need to explain. Life is short, baby girl. You take every little piece of happiness you can get. I’m happy for you. Jamie would have liked Jesse.”

  “He did.” She bit back tears again. Now that she’d opened the floodgates, they didn’t seem to want to stop, but they felt different now. They were somehow sweeter, almost a reminder that she’d been loved and was loved again. As if grief itself was a way to remember the sweetness of life, to magnify and celebrate it. “Apparently they became friends in jail. You do understand what happened, right?”

  “Yeah. I’ve thought about it for a long time. The Caliph was looking to turn an operative. He got Jesse instead. Jamie couldn’t have known.”

  “Even if he had, he couldn’t risk it. Jesse knows that, too.” Her almost husband was a remarkable man. His ability to love and find some way to move forward had taught her so much. “Jamie asked him to give me a message. Be the girl who lived. It’s silly because it’s from a book, but it means
something to me, a little more than what I told Jesse. I think Jamie meant it for you, too, Tennessee.”

  “I didn’t read that stuff you did.”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s the same message. Love can save you if you let it. It can put up a wall that protects you, but you still have to face it. The truth is bad shit is going to happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. How we deal with it, that’s the measure of our lives. Do we roll into a ball and hide like I did? Or do we open ourselves, even knowing how much it could hurt if we lose it? I’m going to open myself. I’m going to love that man with everything I have, and if something goes wrong, at least I’ll have had that love. I am grateful for every second I had with Jamie. Every moment was precious, and now I’m going to honor him by living. I want to have babies, Ten.”

  She could have sworn her brother’s eyes got misty. “I want that for you more than anything.”

  “I want you to have a family, too.”

  “I always knew that wasn’t the way it was going to go.”

  “Why?”

  “I wouldn’t even know how to be a father. I’m not built like that.”

  “You are. We all are.” She backed off a little. Her brother would be a long-term project. “How about you try dating? I bet Charlotte Taggart could find someone to set you up with.”

  His eyes widened. “That is the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me. Don’t put that woman on me. She doesn’t give up.”

  Sweet laughter bubbled up at the thought of Charlotte playing matchmaker. “I promise nothing.”

  He sobered, leaning back and running a hand over his head. “I’ll smooth things over with the Agency for you. You have to know though that I don’t have the pull I used to have. We’ve opened a mighty big can of worms here. You and Murdoch need to watch your backs.”

  “We’re not leaving. We have to figure this thing out or we’ll be looking behind us for the rest of our lives. I don’t imagine this guy is going to give up. There’s more at stake here than simply his identity.”