Collected Works of Booth Tarkington

by Booth Tarkington

  This severe phrase of theirs, almost simultaneous in the two minds, was not wholly a failure as a thumb-nail sketch of Mr. George Crooper. And yet there was the impressiveness of size about him, especially about his legs and chin. At seventeen and eighteen growth is still going on, sometimes in a sporadic way, several parts seeming to have sprouted faster than others. Often the features have not quite settled down together in harmony, a mouth, for instance, appearing to have gained such a lead over the rest of a face, that even a mother may fear it can never be overtaken. Voices, too, often seem misplaced; one hears, outside the door, the bass rumble of a sinister giant, and a mild boy, thin as a cricket, walks in. The contrary was George Crooper’s case; his voice was an unexpected piping tenor, half falsetto and frequently girlish — as surprising as the absurd voice of an elephant.

  He had the general outwardness of a vast and lumpy child. His chin had so distanced his other features that his eyes, nose, and brow seemed almost baby-like in comparison, while his mountainous legs were the great part of the rest of him. He was one of those huge, bottle-shaped boys who are always in motion in spite of their cumbersomeness. His gestures were continuous, though difficult to interpret as bearing upon the subject of his equally continuous conversation; and under all circumstances he kept his conspicuous legs incessantly moving, whether he was going anywhere or remaining in comparatively one spot.

  His expression was pathetically offensive, the result of his bland confidence in the audible opinions of a small town whereof his father was the richest inhabitant — and the one thing about him, even more obvious than his chin, his legs, and his spectacular taste in flannels, was his perfect trust that he was as welcome to every one as he was to his mother. This might some day lead him in the direction of great pain, but on the occasion of the “subscription party” for Miss Pratt it gave him an advantage.

  “When do I get to meet that cutie?” he insisted, as Johnnie Watson moved backward from the cousinly arm, which threatened further flailing. “You intradooced me to about seven I can’t do much FOR, but I want to get the howdy business over with this Miss Pratt, so I and she can get things started. I’m goin’ to keep her busy all day!”

  “Well, don’t be in such a hurry,” said Johnnie, uneasily. “You can meet her when we get out in the country — if I get a chance, George.”

  “No, sir!” George protested, jovially. “I guess you’re sad birds over in this town, but look out! When I hit a town it don’t take long till they all hear there’s something doin’! You know how I am when I get started, Johnnie!” Here he turned upon William, tucking his fat arm affectionately through William’s thin one. “Hi, sport! Ole Johnnie’s so slow, YOU toddle me over and get me fixed up with this Miss Pratt, and I’ll tell her you’re the real stuff — after we get engaged!”

  He was evidently a true cloud-compeller, this horrible George.

  XIX. “I DUNNO WHY IT IS”

  WILLIAM EXTRICATED HIS arm, huskily muttering words which were lost in the general outcry, “Car’s coming!” The young people poured out through the gate, and, as the car stopped, scrambled aboard. For a moment everything was hurried and confused. William struggled anxiously to push through to Miss Pratt and climb up beside her, but Mr. George Crooper made his way into the crowd in a beaming, though bull-like manner, and a fat back in a purple-and-white “blazer” flattened William’s nose, while ponderous heels damaged William’s toes; he was shoved back, and just managed to clamber upon the foot-board as the car started. The friendly hand of Joe Bullitt pulled him to a seat, and William found himself rubbing his nose and sitting between Joe and Johnnie Watson, directly behind the dashing Crooper and Miss Pratt. Mr. Crooper had already taken Flopit upon his lap.

  “Dogs are always crazy ‘bout me,” they heard him say, for his high voice was but too audible over all other sounds. “Dogs and chuldren. I dunno why it is, but they always take to me. My name’s George Crooper, Third, Johnnie Watson’s cousin. He was tryin’ to intradooce me before the car came along, but he never got the chance. I guess as this shindig’s for you, and I’m the only other guest from out o’ town, we’ll have to intradooce ourselves — the two guests of honor, as it were.”

  Miss Pratt laughed her silvery laugh, murmured politely, and turned no freezing glance upon her neighbor. Indeed, it seemed that she was far from regarding him with the distaste anticipated by William and Joe Bullitt. “Flopit look so toot an’ tunnin’,” she was heard to remark. “Flopit look so ‘ittle on dray, big, ‘normous man’s lap.”

  Mr. Crooper laughed deprecatingly. “He does look kind of small compared with the good ole man that’s got charge of him, now! Well, I always was a good deal bigger than the fellas I went with. I dunno why it is, but I was always kind of quicker, too, as it were — and the strongest in any crowd I ever got with. I’m kind of musclebound, I guess, but I don’t let that interfere with my quickness any. Take me in an automobile, now — I got a racin’-car at home — and I keep my head better than most people do, as it were. I can kind of handle myself better; I dunno why it is. My brains seem to work better than other people’s, that’s all it is. I don’t mean that I got more sense, or anything like that; it’s just the way my brains work; they kind of put me at an advantage, as it were. Well, f’rinstance, if I’d been livin’ here in this town and joined in with the crowd to get up this party, well, it would of been done a good deal diff’rent. I won’t say better, but diff’rent. That’s always the way with me if I go into anything, pretty soon I’m running the whole shebang; I dunno why it is. The other people might try to run it their way for a while, but pretty soon you notice ’em beginning to step out of the way for good ole George. I dunno why it is, but that’s the way it goes. Well, if I’d been running THIS party I’d of had automobiles to go out in, not a trolley-car where you all got to sit together — and I’d of sent over home for my little racer and I’d of taken you out in her myself. I wish I’d of sent for it, anyway. We could of let the rest go out in the trolley, and you and I could of got off by ourselves: I’d like you to see that little car. Well, anyway, I bet you’d of seen something pretty different and a whole lot better if I’d of come over to this town in time to get up this party for you!”

  “For US,” Miss Pratt corrected him, sunnily.

  “Bofe strangers — party for us two — all bofe!” And she gave him one of her looks.

  Mr. Crooper flushed with emotion; he was annexed; he became serious. “Say,” he said, “that’s a mighty smooth hat you got on.” And he touched the fluffy rim of it with his forefinger. His fat shoulders leaned toward her yearningly.

  “We’d cert’nly of had a lot better time sizzin’ along in that little racer I got,” he said. “I’d like to had you see how I handle that little car. Girls over home, they say they like to go out with me just to watch the way I handle her; they say it ain’t so much just the ride, but more the way I handle that little car. I dunno why it is, but that’s what they say. That’s the way I do anything I make up my mind to tackle, though. I don’t try to tackle everything — there’s lots o’ things I wouldn’t take enough interest in ’em, as it were — but just lemme make up my mind once, and it’s all off; I dunno why it is. There was a brakeman on the train got kind of fresh: he didn’t know who I was. Well, I just put my hand on his shoulder and pushed him down in his seat like this” — he set his hand upon Miss Pratt’s shoulder. “I didn’t want to hit him, because there was women and chuldren in the car, so I just shoved my face up close to him, like this. ‘I guess you don’t know how much stock my father’s got in this road,’ I says. Did he wilt? Well, you ought of seen that brakeman when I got through tellin’ him who I was!”

  “Nassy ole brateman!” said Miss Pratt, with unfailing sympathy.

  Mr. Crooper’s fat hand, as if unconsciously, gave Miss Pratt’s delicate shoulder a little pat in reluctant withdrawal. “Well, that’s the way with me,” he said. “Much as I been around this world, nobody ever tried to put anything over on me and
got away with it. They always come out the little end o’ the horn; I dunno why it is. Say, that’s a mighty smooth locket you got on the end o’ that chain, there.” And again stretching forth his hand, in a proprietor-like way, he began to examine the locket.

  Three hot hearts, just behind, pulsated hatred toward him; for Johnnie Watson had perceived his error, and his sentiments were now linked to those of Joe Bullitt and William. The unhappiness of these three helpless spectators was the more poignant because not only were they witnesses of the impression of greatness which George Crooper was obviously producing upon Miss Pratt, but they were unable to prevent themselves from being likewise impressed.

  They were not analytical; they dumbly accepted George at his own rating, not even being able to charge him with lack of modesty. Did he not always accompany his testimonials to himself with his deprecating falsetto laugh and “I dunno why it is,” an official disclaimer of merit, “as it were”? Here was a formidable candidate, indeed — a traveler, a man of the world, with brains better and quicker than other people’s brains; an athlete, yet knightly — he would not destroy even a brakeman in the presence of women and children — and, finally, most enviable and deadly, the owner and operator of a “little racer”! All this glitter was not far short of overpowering; and yet, though accepting it as fact, the woeful three shared the inconsistent belief that in spite of everything George was nothing but a big, fat lummox. For thus they even rather loudly whispered of him — almost as if hopeful that Miss Pratt, and mayhap George himself, might overhear.

  Impotent their seething! The overwhelming Crooper pursued his conquering way. He leaned more and more toward the magnetic girl, his growing tenderness having that effect upon him, and his head inclining so far that his bedewed brow now and then touched the fluffy hat. He was constitutionally restless, but his movements never ended by placing a greater distance between himself and Miss Pratt, though they sometimes discommoded Miss Parcher, who sat at the other side of him — a side of him which appeared to be without consciousness. He played naively with Miss Pratt’s locket and with the filmy border of her collar; he flicked his nose for some time with her little handkerchief, loudly sniffing its scent; and finally he became interested in a ring she wore, removed it, and tried unsuccessfully to place it upon one of his own fingers.

  “I’ve worn lots o’ girls’ rings on my watch-fob. I’d let ’em wear mine on a chain or something. I guess they like to do that with me,” he said. “I dunno why it is.”

  At this subtle hint the three unfortunates held their breath, and then lost it as the lovely girl acquiesced in the horrible exchange. As for William, life was of no more use to him. Out of the blue heaven of that bright morning’s promise had fallen a pall, draping his soul in black and purple. He had been horror-stricken when first the pudgy finger of George Crooper had touched the fluffy edge of that sacred little hat; then, during George’s subsequent pawings and leanings, William felt that he must either rise and murder or go mad. But when the exchange of rings was accomplished, his spirit broke and even resentment oozed away. For a time there was no room in him for anything except misery.

  Dully, William’s eyes watched the fat shoulders hitching and twitching, while the heavy arms flourished in gesture and in further pawings. Again and again were William’s ears afflicted with, “I dunno why it is,” following upon tribute after tribute paid by Mr. Crooper to himself, and received with little cries of admiration and sweet child-words on the part of Miss Pratt. It was a long and accursed ride.

  XX. SYDNEY CARTON

  AT THE FARM-HOUSE where the party were to dine, Miss Pratt with joy discovered a harmonium in the parlor, and, seating herself, with all the girls, Flopit, and Mr. George Crooper gathered around her, she played an accompaniment, while George, in a thin tenor of detestable sweetness, sang “I’m Falling in Love with Some One.”

  His performance was rapturously greeted, especially by the accompanist. “Oh, wunnerfulest Untle Georgiecums!” she cried, for that was now the gentleman’s name. “If Johnnie McCormack hear Untle Georgiecums he go shoot umself dead — Bang!” She looked round to where three figures hovered morosely in the rear. “Tum on, sin’ chorus, Big Bruvva Josie-Joe, Johnny Jump-up, an’ Ickle Boy Baxter. All over adain, Untle Georgiecums! Boys an’ dirls all sin’ chorus. Tummence!”

  And so the heartrending performance continued until it was stopped by Wallace Banks, the altruistic and perspiring youth who had charge of the subscription-list for the party, and the consequent collection of assessments. This entitled Wallace to look haggard and to act as master of ceremonies. He mounted a chair.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” he bellowed, “I want to say — that is — ah — I am requested to announce t that before dinner we’re all supposed to take a walk around the farm and look at things, as this is supposed to be kind of a model farm or supposed to be something like that. There’s a Swedish lady named Anna going to show us around. She’s out in the yard waiting, so please follow her to inspect the farm.”

  To inspect a farm was probably the least of William’s desires. He wished only to die in some quiet spot and to have Miss Pratt told about it in words that would show her what she had thrown away. But he followed with the others, in the wake of the Swedish lady named Anna, and as they stood in the cavernous hollow of the great barn he found his condition suddenly improved.

  Miss Pratt turned to him unexpectedly and placed Flopit in his arms. “Keep p’eshus Flopit cozy,” she whispered. “Flopit love ole friends best!”

  William’s heart leaped, while a joyous warmth spread all over him. And though the execrable lummox immediately propelled Miss Pratt forward — by her elbow — to hear the descriptive remarks of the Swedish lady named Anna, William’s soul remained uplifted and entranced. She had not said “like”; she had said, “Flopit LOVE ole friends best”! William pressed forward valiantly, and placed himself as close as possible upon the right of Miss Pratt, the lummox being upon her left. A moment later, William wished that he had remained in the rear.

  This was due to the unnecessary frankness of the Swedish lady named Anna, who was briefly pointing out the efficiency of various agricultural devices. Her attention being diverted by some effusions of pride on the part of a passing hen, she thought fit to laugh and say:

  “She yust laid egg.”

  William shuddered. This grossness in the presence of Miss Pratt was unthinkable. His mind refused to deal with so impossible a situation; he could not accept it as a fact that such words had actually been uttered in such a presence. And yet it was the truth; his incredulous ears still sizzled. “She yust laid egg!” His entire skin became flushed; his averted eyes glazed themselves with shame.

  He was not the only person shocked by the ribaldry of the Swedish lady named Anna. Joe Bullitt and Johnnie Watson, on the outskirts of the group, went to Wallace Banks, drew him aside, and, with feverish eloquence, set his responsibilities before him. It was his duty, they urged, to have an immediate interview with this free-spoken Anna and instruct her in the proprieties. Wallace had been almost as horrified as they by her loose remark, but he declined the office they proposed for him, offering, however, to appoint them as a committee with authority in the matter — whereupon they retorted with unreasonable indignation, demanding to know what he took them for.

  Unconscious of the embarrassment she had caused in these several masculine minds, the Swedish lady named Anna led the party onward, continuing her agricultural lecture. William walked mechanically, his eyes averted and looking at no one. And throughout this agony he was burningly conscious of the blasphemed presence of Miss Pratt beside him.

  Therefore, it was with no little surprise, when the party came out of the barn, that William beheld Miss Pratt, not walking at his side, but on the contrary, sitting too cozily with George Crooper upon a fallen tree at the edge of a peach-orchard just beyond the barn-yard. It was Miss Parcher who had been walking beside him, for the truant couple had made their escape at the beginning of
the Swedish lady’s discourse.

  In vain William murmured to himself, “Flopit love ole friends best.” Purple and black again descended upon his soul, for he could not disguise from himself the damnatory fact that George had flitted with the lady, while he, wretched William, had been permitted to take care of the dog!

  A spark of dignity still burned within him. He strode to the barn-yard fence, and, leaning over it, dropped Flopit rather brusquely at his mistress’s feet. Then, without a word even without a look — William walked haughtily away, continuing his stern progress straight through the barn-yard gate, and thence onward until he found himself in solitude upon the far side of a smoke-house, where his hauteur vanished.

  Here, in the shade of a great walnut-tree which sheltered the little building, he gave way — not to tears, certainly, but to faint murmurings and little heavings under impulses as ancient as young love itself. It is to be supposed that William considered his condition a lonely one, but if all the seventeen-year-olds who have known such halfhours could have shown themselves to him then, he would have fled from the mere horror of billions. Alas! he considered his sufferings a new invention in the world, and there was now inspired in his breast a monologue so eloquently bitter that it might deserve some such title as A Passion Beside the Smoke-house. During the little time that William spent in this sequestration he passed through phases of emotion which would have kept an older man busy for weeks and left him wrecked at the end of them.