Collected Works of Booth Tarkington
Page 525
PIKE
[looking up, monkey-wrench in hand]
Yes, sir;
[chuckles]
we had quite a talk about shootin’ in Indiana; said he’d heard of Peru, in his school history. Wanted to come out some day, he said, and asked what our best game was. I told him we had some Incas still preserved in the mountains of Indiana, and he said he’d like a good Inca head to put up in his gun-room. He ought to get one, oughtn’t he?
[Starts to work again, busily.]
HORACE
[indignantly]
My sister informs me that in spite of Lord Hawcastle’s most graciously offering to discuss her engagement with you, you refused.
PIKE
Well, I didn’t see any need of it.
HORACE
Furthermore, you allege that you will decline to go into the matter with Lord Hawcastle’s solicitor.
PIKE
What matter?
HORACE
[angrily]
The matter of the settlement.
PIKE
[quietly]
Your sister kind of let it out to me awhile ago that you think a good deal of this French widow lady. Suppose you make up your mind to take her for richer or poorer — what’s she going to give you?
HORACE
[roaring]
Nothing! What do you mean?
PIKE
Well, I thought you’d probably charge her
[with a slight drawl]
a little, anyhow. Ain’t that the way over here?
[Turns to work again, humming “Dolly Gray.”]
HORACE
It is impossible for you to understand the motives of my sister and myself in our struggle not to remain in the vulgar herd. But can’t you try to comprehend that there is an Old-World society, based not on wealth, but on that indescribable something which comes of ancient lineage and high birth?
[With great indignation.]
You presume to interfere between us and the fine flower of Europe!
PIKE
[straightening up, but speaking quietly]
Well, I don’t know as the folks around Kokomo would ever have spoke of your father as a “fine flower,” but we thought a heap of him, and when he married your ma he was so glad to get her — well, I never heard yet that he asked for any settlement!
HORACE
You are quite impossible.
PIKE
The fact is, when she took him he was a poor man; but if he’d a had seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars, I’ll bet he’d ‘a’ given it for her.
[Starts to hammer vigorously, humming “Dolly Gray.”]
HORACE
There is no profit in continuing the discussion.
[Turns on his heel, but immediately turns again toward PIKE, who is apparently preoccupied.]
And I warn you we shall act without paying the slightest attention to you.
[Triumphantly.]
What have you to say to that, sir?
[PIKE’S answer is conveyed by the motor-horn, which says: “Honk! Honk!” HORACE throws up his hands despairingly. PIKE’S voice becomes audible in the last words of the song: “Good-bye, Dolly Gray.”]
[Enter LADY CREECH and ALMERIC through the gates.]
HORACE
[meeting them]
The fellow is hopeless.
LADY CREECH
[not hearing, and speaking from habit, automatically]
Dreadful person!
[PIKE continues his work, paying no attention.]
ALMERIC
[to HORACE]
Better let him alone till the Governor’s had time to think a bit. Governor’s clever. He’ll fetch the beggar about somehow.
LADY CREECH
[with a Parthian glance at the unconscious PIKE]
I sha’h’t stop in the creature’s presence — I shall go up to my room for my forty winks.
[Exit into the hotel.]
ALMERIC
[as she goes out]
Day-day, aunt!
[To HORACE]
I’m off to look at that pup again. You trust the Governor.
HORACE
[as ALMERIC goes]
I do, I do. It is insufferable, but I’ll wait.
[Exit into the garden.]
[PIKE stands for a moment, contemplating the car in some despondency, still humming or whistling.]
[LADY CREECH, after a few moments, appears at a window in the upper story of the hotel. Unseen by PIKE, she pulls up the awning for a better view, and drops lace curtains inside of window so as to screen herself from observation. Sits watching.]
[Immediately upon HORACE’S exit MARIANO, flustered, enters hurriedly from the hotel, goes to the gates, and fumbles with the lock. At the same time VASILI enters from the garden, smoking.]
VASILI
You make progress, my friend?
PIKE
Your machine’s like a good many people — got sand in its gear-box.
VASILI
[to MARIANO]
Are you locking us in?
MARIANO
[excitedly coming down and showing a big key which he has taken from the lock]
No, Herr von Gröllerhagen, I lock some one out — that bandit who have not been capture. The carabiniere warn us to close all gates for an hour. They will have that wicked one soon. There are two companies.
[In a lower tone to VASILI.]
Monsieur Ribiere has much fears.
VASILI
Monsieur Ribiere is sometimes a fool.
MARIANO
[in a hoarse whisper]
Monsieur, this convict is a Russian.
[VASILI waves him away somewhat curtly.]
[Exit MARIANO, shaking his head, carrying the key with him.]
PIKE
Two companies of soldiers! A town marshal out my way would ‘a’ had him yesterday.
VASILI
My friend, you are teaching me to respect your country, not by what you brag, but by what you do.
PIKE
How’s that.
VASILI
[significantly]
I see how a son of that great democracy can apply himself to a dirty machine, while his eyes are full of visions of one of its beautiful daughters.
PIKE
[slowly and sadly, peering into the machine]
Doc, there’s sand in your gear-box.
VASILI
[laughing]
So?
PIKE
You go down to the kitchen and make signs for some of the help to give you a nice clean bunch of rags.
VASILI
[surprised into hauteur]
What is it you ask me to do?
PIKE
I need some more rags.
VASILI
[amused]
My friend, I obey.
[Makes a mock-serious bow and starts.]
PIKE
I won’t leave the machine— ’twouldn’t be safe.
VASILI
[halting, laughs]
You fear this famous bandit would steal it?
PIKE
No; but there’s parties around here might think it was a settlement.
VASILI
I do not understand.
PIKE
[chuckling]
Doc, that’s where we’re in the same fix.
VASILI
Weidersehn, my friend.
[Exit into hotel.]
[PIKE kneels on the foot-board of machine above gear-box, begins to clean, using an old rag, singing “Sweet Genevieve.” A distant shot is heard. PIKE looks up at this, ceasing to sing. Then he continues his work and music. LADY CREECH leans out from her window, staring off to the right with opera-glasses. There is a noise at the gates as some one hastily but cautiously tries to open them. PIKE looks up again, turns toward the gates, and, after a short pause, again begins to sing and work, but very softly.]
[IVANOFF appears on top of the wall at back, climbing up
cautiously from lane below. He creeps from the wall to the top of pergola and cautiously along that through the foliage to above PIKE. He peers over the foliage at PIKE.]
[PIKE looks up slowly, and, as slowly, stops “Sweet Genevieve,” his voice fading away on a half syllable as he encounters IVANOFF’S gaze. They stare at each other, LADY CREECH observing unseen.]
[IVANOFF is a thin, very fragile-looking man of thirty-eight. His disordered hair is prematurely gray, his beard is a grizzled four days’ stubble. He is exceedingly haggard and worn, but has the face and look of a man of refinement and cultivation. He has lost his hat; his shoes and trousers are splashed with dried mud, and brambles cling to him here and there. He wears a soiled white shirt and collar, and a torn black tie, black waistcoat and trousers. He is covered with dust from head to foot; one sleeve of his shirt has been torn off at the elbow. He wears no coat.]
IVANOFF
[in a voice tremulous with tragic appeal]
Et ce que vous êtes un homme de bon coeur? Je ne suis pas coupable —
PIKE
[very gravely]
There ain’t any use in the world your talkin’ to me like that!
IVANOFF
[panting]
You are an Englishman?
PIKE
[quietly, rising and stepping back]
That’ll do for that. You come down from there!
IVANOFF
[in a voice that lifts, almost cracks, with sudden hope]
An American?
PIKE
They haven’t made me anything else yet.
IVANOFF
[swinging himself down to the ground]
Thank God for that!
[He leans against the car, exhausted.]
PIKE
I do. What makes you so glad about it?
IVANOFF
Because I have suffered in the cause your own forefathers gave their lives for. I am a Russian political fugitive, and I can go no farther. If you give me up I shall not be taken alive. I have no weapon, but I can find a way to cut my throat.
PIKE
[with humorous incredulity]
Are you the bandit they’re lookin’ for?
IVANOFF
They call me that. Do I look like a bandit?
PIKE
How close are they?
IVANOFF
[with despairing gesture]
There!
PIKE
Did they see you climb that wall?
IVANOFF
I think not.
[There comes a loud ringing at the gates. At the sound IVANOFF starts violently, throwing one arm up as if to shield his face from a blow.]
IVANOFF
Oh, my God! it is they!
[He staggers back against the machine.]
PIKE
[hastily stripping off his working blouse]
Do you know anything about gear-box plugs?
[The ringing continues.]
IVANOFF
Nothing in the world.
PIKE
Then you’re a chauffeur.
[Puts blouse on him.]
Take a look at this one.
[With emphatic significance.]
It’s underneath the machine.
[Quickly sets his hands on IVANOFF’S shoulders, having forced the blouse on him, and pushes him beneath the car.]
MARIANO
[within the hotel, calling]
Subito! Subito! Vengo, Signore! Vengo!
[PIKE at same time rapidly wipes his hands on a rag, puts on his hat, cuffs, and coat, which have been lying on the seat.]
MARIANO
[running on, flustered]
Corpo de St. Costanzo! Non posso essere dapertutto allo stesso tempo. Vengo, vengo!
[He hastens to the gates with his key, unfastening busily. Meanwhile PIKE lights a cigar.]
MARIANO
Ecco!
[Throws open gates and falls back in astonishment.]
Dio mio!
[Two carabiniere, good-looking, soldierly men in the carabiniere uniform, cocked hats, white cross-belts, etc., are disclosed, their carbines slung over their arms, their long cloaks thrown back. Behind the carabiniere stand some fishermen in red caps, dirty flannel shirts, and trousers rolled up to the knee; also a few ragged beggars.]
FIRST CARABINIERE
[as gate is opened]
Buon giorno!
[The two carabiniere enter briskly.]
MARIANO
[springing forward and closing gate, calling to crowd outside]
No, no!
FIRST CARABINIERE
Ceerchimo l’assassino Russo.
MARIANO
Dio mio! Non nell’ Albergo Regina Margherita.
SECOND CARABINIERE
[coming to PIKE]
Avete visto un uomo scavalcare il muro?
PIKE
[genially]
Wishing you many happy returns, Colonel!
MARIANO
[greatly excited]
It is the robber of Russia. They think he climb the wall, the assassin. The other carabiniere, they surround all yonder.
[Gesturing right and left.]
These two they search here. They ask you, please, have you see him climb the wall.
PIKE
No.
FIRST CARABINIERE
Ae quelcuno passato de qui?
MARIANO
He say has any one go across here?
PIKE
No.
FIRST CARABINIERE
[pointing under the car]
Chi costui?
MARIANO
He want to know who that is.
PIKE
The new chauffeur for the machine, from Naples.
MARIANO
E lo chauffeur di un illustre personaggio padrone dell’ automobile.
FIRST CARABINIERE
[bowing to PIKE]
Grazia, Signore.
[To MARIANO.]
Cerchereremo nel giardino.
[Exit swiftly FIRST CARABINIERE to the right through pergola; SECOND to the left.]
MARIANO
Dio mio! but those are the brave men, Signore. Either one shall meet in a moment this powerful assassin who may take his lifes.
[Murmur of voice from back arises, sounds of running feet and shrill whistles and pounding on gates.]
[MARIANO runs back, opens the gates, showing excited and clamoring fishermen and beggars in the lane. They try to come in. He drives them back with a napkin, which has been hanging over his arm, crying: “Vate, vate! Devo dire al maresciallo di cacciarvi?”]
[Meanwhile VASILI has entered from the hotel, a bundle of clean white rags in his hand.]
VASILI
Is there a new eruption of Vesuvius?
PIKE
[meeting him and taking the rags]
No; it’s an eruption of colonels trying to arrest a high-school professor. I’ve got him under your car there.
VASILI
[astounded]
What!
PIKE
I told them he’s your new chauffeur.
VASILI
My friend, do you realize the penalty for protecting a criminal from arrest?
PIKE
We’ll be proud of the risk.
[Speaks in an undertone to IVANOFF.]
This man owns the car. You can trust him the same as your own father.
VASILI
[remonstrating]
My friend, my friend!
PIKE
[quietly]
Look out, the Governor’s staff is coming back.
MARIANO
[closing the gates and wiping his face]
Lazzaroni!
[At the same time FIRST CARABINIERE enters from right; SECOND CARABINIERE from left.]
SECOND CARABINIERE
Niente!
FIRST CARABINIERE
Niente la!
[The two CARABINIERE cross briskly to each other a
s they speak, and stand conferring.]
MARIANO
Grazia Dio! He has gone some other place!
PIKE
[very casually to VASILI]
You’ll have to get a new off front tire, Doc. That one is pretty near gone. Better have Jim, here, put on the spare when he gets through.
[The CARABINIERE beckon to MARIANO and speak to him.]
VASILI
[seriously, stepping toward PIKE]
Do you know what you are asking me to do?
PIKE
[watching CARABINIERE]
To put on a new tire.
[VASILI, with exclamation and gesture of despair grimly tinged with humor, turns away, greatly disturbed.]
MARIANO
[addressing PIKE with an embarrassed bow]
The carabiniere with all excuses beg if you will command the chauffeur to step forth from the automobile.
PIKE
No, sir; I worked on that machine myself for three hours. He’s got his hands full of nuts and screws and bolts half fastened. If he lays them down now to come out I don’t know how long it’ll take to get them back in place. We want to get this job finished.
[Continues with a plaintive uplift of voice.]
This is serious! Tell them to go on up Main Street with their Knights of Pythias parade, and come around some day when we haven’t got our hands full.
MARIANO
[meekly]
I tell them — yes, sir.
[Turns and confers with the CARABINIERE.]
PIKE
It’ll be your turn in a minute, Doc; be mighty careful what you say.
MARIANO
Because the chauffeur have been engaged only to-day and have just arrived, the carabiniere ask ten thousand pardons, but inquire how long he have been known to his employer.
[He bows to VASILI with embarrassment.]
PIKE
How long? Why, he was raised on his father’s farm.
[He faces VASILI, and stretches his arm out toward him as if for corroboration.]
MARIANO
[to VASILI]
Oh, if that is so!
PIKE
It is so; ain’t it, Doc?
VASILI
[to. MARIANO, with dignity]
You have heard my friend say it.
MARIANO
[to VASILI, in a serious undertone]
Monseigneur graciously consents that I reveal his incognito to the carabiniere.
VASILI
Is it necessary?
MARIANO
Otherwise I fear they will not withdraw; they have suspicion.
VASILI
[with a gesture of resignation]
Very well, tell them. I rely upon them to preserve my incognito from all others.
MARIANO
[bowing deeply]
Monseigneur, they will be discreet.
[Goes up to CARABINIERE and speaks to them.]
PIKE
[aside to IVANOFF]