Smile Like You Mean It

by S. J. McCoy

  He followed her back out and they made themselves comfortable in the old rockers. Gabe sipped on his beer, but said nothing. She knew he was waiting for her to talk. Part of her didn’t want to. She’d kept it all to herself all these years; she had some pride in the fact that she’d never leaned on anyone. She also had some fear about finally talking about what had happened, finally sharing her guilt. She stared out at the old orchard where she and Chloe had played as kids. Where she knew Chloe and Chance had spent so many good times together. She had to blink away the tears. The guilt was laying heavy on her heart. She looked over at Gabe. Did she want to tell him?

  He replied as if she’d asked the question out loud. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  “I think I do want to. I just don’t know where to start.”

  “Do you want me to ask questions? I’m pretty good at that.”

  She nodded slowly. She didn’t know how to unjumble everything that was rolling around in her mind. Maybe Gabe’s laser focus would help. Maybe. “Okay, but don’t expect quick answers.”

  “I won’t. I don’t need any answers at all. This is all about you and what you need.”

  She shot him a grateful smile, “Thanks.”

  “So let’s start with the big question. Why don’t you want to see Chance?”

  “That’s easy. I don’t want to see him because I feel guilty as hell. He might have saved Chloe if I hadn’t stopped him. He reminds me that my sister might still be alive if it weren’t for me.” She stared out at the lake for a moment, surprised at the wave of relief her confession brought. She turned back to Gabe. “And saying that brings me some relief. To finally admit that…” She shook her head. “But then the relief just brings more guilt. It’s so selfish of me. I should have to live with what I did.” She swallowed back the tears that were threatening to fall. “Chance shouldn’t. I don’t want to see him because I ruined his life.”

  Gabe stared at her for a long moment, but said nothing. What was he thinking? Was he silently agreeing with her? Maybe he was the wrong person to talk to. Chance had been his friend.

  She rushed on before he could pass judgment. She didn’t want to hear it, and now she’d started, she wanted to talk. “If it weren’t for me, his life would have been completely different. He and Chloe were going to go away to school together. They’d probably have come back here and have a great life and a bunch of kids by now. Instead, Chloe’s dead and Chance spent all those years in prison. He couldn’t come back here. He doesn’t even have a life. He lives in the wilderness in Montana.”

  “You have no idea what his life would have been like, Renée. Tempting as it is, we can never claim that something we did changed the course of someone else’s life.”

  “That’s not true. I know full well that if I hadn’t stopped him, Chance would have gone after Kyle that night.”

  Gabe nodded. “I won’t argue with that, but you have no idea what would have happened if he did. Chloe might still have died. Chance might have died, too. You just don’t know. And besides, you didn’t forcibly stop him from going. Chance made a choice. He listened to what you had to say and chose not to go. If he had been determined to go, there’s no way you would have stopped him, and we both know it.”

  “I know, but if I hadn’t said anything he would have gone. If I hadn’t convinced him that it was best to wait until he’d calmed down. That Chloe was just being stubborn. Gabe, I thought I was so smart! I made him promise me. And I promised him that I would get Chloe to talk to him the next morning. Chance kept his promise…” A sob escaped from her lips, but she forced herself to finish. “I couldn’t keep mine. I couldn’t make Chloe talk to him, because she was dead.” She couldn’t help it. The tears came.

  Gabe took hold of her hand and pulled her toward him. She rose from her own chair and let him pull her into his lap. He closed his arms around her as she buried her face in his chest and sobbed. She felt as though she’d killed Chloe herself. Chloe and Chance had been together since sixth grade. They were made for each other; everyone knew it. They were going to get married as soon as they graduated and go off to college together. That fateful night they’d had a fight. Chloe had been jealous over another girl flirting with Chance. Kyle Hutchens had always had a thing for her and he’d made the most of their argument. He’d invited her to go out on the lake with him on his dad’s boat, and, angry at Chance, she’d gone with him. Chance had come out here looking for her, angry that she’d gone off with Kyle. He’d wanted to know where they were, wanted to go after them. Renée knew Chance had a temper. She knew he’d never hurt Chloe, but she was worried what he might do to Kyle. She’d made him promise that he’d go home, calm down. And she’d promised she’d get Chloe to talk to him the next morning. But Chloe never came home. The next morning Kyle had rowed into the resort, hungover and scared. He said they’d been drinking and swimming. Chloe had drowned. He’d claimed he’d tried to save her. Chance never believed his story.

  Chance had never spoken to Renée again. He’d hardly spoken to anyone. He changed, from the popular life and soul of the party guy he’d been, into someone else completely. He was angry and withdrawn. He’d left town straight after graduation. Renée had carried the guilt over destroying his family, too. His little sister Missy had been devastated. She’d been left alone with her dad, just as Renée was left alone with hers. Her own father had been an alcoholic for as long as she could remember. He’d raised his girls as best he could, taking whatever work he could find and holding each job as long as the bottle would allow. Chloe’s death had been the end of him. He’d hit the bottle hard. Two months after Chloe’s death her dad had followed her. Renée had come home one afternoon to find him sprawled in the orchard, a picture of Chloe grasped tight in one hand, an empty bottle of cheap whiskey lying beside him.

  Chance had surprised everyone by returning to Summer Lake to attend the funeral. In the two months that had passed, he’d changed. His hair was longer, he rode a Harley and had a threatening air about him that made most folk get out of his way. Renée had tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t even look at her. She’d put a hand on his arm, and he’d angrily shaken her off.

  She remembered calling after him. “I’m so sorry, Chance.”

  He’d stopped in his tracks and turned around. The pain and anger etched on his face had made her catch her breath. He’d held her gaze for a long moment. She’d thought he was about to speak, but he just shook his head and walked away.

  The next day, Kyle Hutchens had been found badly beaten. He was rushed to the hospital where he remained for several weeks. Chance had been arrested and taken into custody where he’d remained—in one form or another—for several years. By the time he was released, Renée was living in San Francisco. She’d kept in touch with Missy periodically and knew that Chance had gone to live in Montana. That he rarely came home. She’d thought she’d made her peace with herself, until Ben had told her Chance was coming to Summer Lake. Now she realized that she hadn’t, and that she never would until she made her peace with him.

  She lifted her head and looked up at Gabe.

  He stroked her wet hair away from her face. “It’s not your fault, Renée. It never was.”

  “Part of me knows that. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it. Part of me needs someone to blame, you know?”

  Gabe nodded. “I can see that, but why not Kyle? If you have to blame someone, why not blame him?”

  She shrugged. “Because realistically I know that blame doesn’t change anything. It’s easier to turn it on myself.”

  “Well, maybe it’s time to let it go? Maybe you and Chance will finally be able to talk to each other and you’ll both be able to find some peace?”

  “Maybe. I don’t think it’s too likely though. I’ve tried to contact him; I used to send him letters. He never once replied.”

  “It took years before he would reply to anyone.”

  “But eventually he did, didn’t he?”

  �
��Yeah, but he’s never let anyone back in. I tried for years myself. He agreed to meet me once, and that was only because I was right there on his doorstep in Montana.”

  “And you were one of his best friends. So why do you think he would open up to me?”

  “Maybe he won’t. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. I want him to, because I think it’s what you both need before you can really move on in life.”

  Renée nodded. “You’re probably right, but that doesn’t mean it’s going happen.”

  “No, it doesn’t, but if you two are going to run into one another, I’d like to think that you’ll at least be open to the possibility. You blame yourself; you don’t know that Chance does.”

  “I think it’s a fair assumption given the fact that he’s never spoken to me.”

  “All I’m saying is try again.”

  She let out a big sigh. “I will, but I won’t expect anything good to come of it.”

  “Maybe it won’t; maybe it will. You won’t know unless you try.”

  “True. Can we leave it now though? I’ve tried not to think about it all for years, let alone talk about it. This is kind of exhausting.”

  She was relieved when he smiled. “Okay. I shall drop this line of inquiry.” He hugged her tight for a moment then dislodged her from his lap so he could stand. She was a little disappointed. She’d been enjoying the comfort of snuggling against him like that, but she had to remember that he was just being nice. She was even more disappointed when he said, “In fact, I should probably get going.”

  Well, damn! Here she was thinking he was going to stick around. She was surprised how much she wanted him to. “Okay.” She didn’t know what else to say. The green eyes looking down at her had that strange intense look in them again. She’d be damned if she could figure him out. “Thanks for your time, then. Sorry to have kept you.” She knew it sounded petulant, but she couldn’t help it. She’d thought he was going to stay a while. Once again, he was abruptly leaving, and it made her feel bad about having taken up his time when he didn’t really want to be here.

  He shook his head slowly. “You don’t understand.”

  She smiled at him, trying to pull herself together. “I’m sorry. I do. You have better things to be doing and I shouldn’t be leaning on you so much. I apologize. It’s just that for a minute there, I stupidly believed that you gave a shit. Don’t worry, I won’t be making that mistake again.”

  He moved so fast she was crushed against his chest before she knew what was happening. He held her close and slid his free hand into her hair as he glared down at her. “Don’t, Renée. You have no idea how much I care. How much I want to help you.”

  Her breath was coming fast as she stared up at him in disbelief. She clung to him as his hard body pressed against hers. There could no longer be doubts about whether or not he desired her—not with the bulge in his pants that was pushing against her belly.

  “Unfortunately, what I want most right now is to lay you down and show you. I don’t think that’s what you need at the moment, so I’m leaving while I still can.”

  Her heart hammered in her chest as he lowered his mouth to hers. It wasn’t a gentle kiss. He crushed her lips and invaded her mouth. She had no defenses as she opened up to him and kissed him back hungrily. She’d never been kissed like that in her life—he was demanding she let him in, taking possession of her—and she loved it!

  When he finally lifted his head, they were both breathing hard. She searched his face.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why?” The only thing she was sorry about was that he’d stopped. She could kiss him like that forever!

  “It’s not what you need right now, is it? You need a friend.”

  “You’re being a friend.”

  He shook his head, he looked frustrated. “I’m taking advantage of you, that’s what I’m doing.”

  She had to laugh at that. “Don’t be ridiculous, Gabe.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Ridiculous?”

  She nodded. “How is giving me what I want taking advantage of me?”

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “You wanted me to kiss you?”

  She smiled. “And the rest.”

  “The rest?”

  “Well, a friendship between a man and a woman usually has some benefits, doesn’t it? That’s what I’d like. I mean you’re trying to help me through a tough time, and there’s no better way a man can comfort a woman.” She couldn’t believe she’d said it, but why not? While he was kissing her, his body had told her how much he wanted her. She was aching for him right now, and, wrong as it may be, she knew she’d forget all her troubles for a little while if he would use his body to comfort her!

  He stared down at her, his eyes boring into her. “What are you saying?”

  She’d already made a fool of herself, she may as well spell it out. “That if you want me, I want you. I think you’ve already noticed that I’m more than a little attracted to you. You feel bad because you want to have sex with me. I’m saying there’s no need to feel bad, because I would like that, too. It doesn’t have to get weird; we can just do the friends-with-benefits thing.” She met his gaze. “If you’d like?”

  Chapter Seven

  Gabe pulled up a seat at the bar. He still couldn’t quite believe he was here, that he’d left Renée’s place. What was that woman doing to him? She’d asked him for exactly the kind of arrangement he normally preferred with a woman and he’d refused. Why? Because he wanted more than that. Because his ego had taken a hit because he wanted her to want more than that. But that was some crazy mixed up shit! There was no way there could be anything more than that between them. He lived in New York and she was in a mess and was still married anyway. He scowled to himself. Why couldn’t he have at least given her what she claimed she wanted—just once?

  “Hey, Gabe.” Ben gave him a puzzled look. “I didn’t expect to see you this evening. What can I get you?”

  “I’ll take a bourbon on the rocks.” He glared at Ben. “And why didn’t you expect to see me?”

  Ben raised an eyebrow. “Renée?”

  “What about her?” he snapped. Had Ben thought that he’d be screwing her by now, too?

  Ben held a hand up. “Whoa. I thought she might want a friend around after hearing that Chance is coming. And I thought you were her friend.”

  Gabe blew out an exasperated sigh. Apparently he was overreacting. “Sorry. She did. She does, but at the moment I’m not the right friend.”

  “You’re not? Why not?”

  “Because I have an agenda of my own.”

  “Ah, and it doesn’t match hers?”

  Gabe didn’t know. Apparently she wanted to sleep with him, but his agenda went a whole lot deeper than that.

  “Sorry. None of my business.”

  At that moment, Pete Hemming came in through the bar and pulled up the seat next to Gabe. He looked like hell.

  Ben gave him a worried look. “Hey bud. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Just great.” He loosened his tie; he was still in full business suit. “I just need a strong one before I head home.”

  That surprised Gabe. He thought Pete had a hot little fiancée waiting at home for him, but if that was the case, he wouldn’t be in here.

  “S’up Gabe? What’s going on in your world?”

  Gabe shrugged. “Not much. I’m just taking a bit of a break.”

  Pete nodded. “And then you’ll head back to the Big Apple, right? Back to reality.”

  “I don’t know… I’m starting to think that reality is here, that this is where I need to get back to.”

  Pete snorted. “I’d think long and hard about that one if I were you. It sounds like a great idea until you try to make it work. Then it gets a lot more complicated.”

  Ben slid Pete his drink. “You’re just burned out on everything right now, bud.” He looked at Gabe. “You could make it work back here if you wanted to, I’m sure.”

  “Yeah, right,
” said Pete with a laugh. “What would Gabe do here? Are you going to put him to work behind the bar?”

  Gabe made a face. Pete had hit on his own big concern. What the hell would he do if he came back to live at the lake? He had no interest in family law, and practicing any other kind of law would have him commuting for more time than he’d be here.

  Ben shrugged. “You’d come up with something. I mean who would have thought any of you guys would be able to make it work out here? Jack’s doing great; Dan’s made the transition from Silicon Valley to small town, no problem.” He gave Pete an odd look. “You were doing great for a while there.”

  “Yeah, sorry. I guess I’m just a little disillusioned at the moment, Gabe. Ignore me. You can make anything work if you set your mind to it.”

  Gabe was aware of that fact. Renée herself had reminded him of it just the other day. It didn’t help that he didn’t know what he would want to do here though. And it helped even less that now he wasn’t sure if Renée was really looking for the same things he was or whether she was just looking for sex to take her mind off her troubles. He took a slug of his bourbon. Why should he have a problem if she was. Wouldn’t that be easier—better—for him, too?

  ~ ~ ~

  Renée climbed into bed. Why one earth had she gone and blown it? She was all over the place, and she knew it. If she wanted to, she could blame the stress over Eric and the court case; she could blame the fact that she would no doubt run into Chance sometime soon, but she knew the real reason. She was all over the place because Gabe Morgan had her head turned right around. He was incredibly sexy and such a smart, genuinely good guy, too. The physical effect he had on her made her stupid. Stupid enough to suggest that they should sleep together! She cringed as she remembered the look on his face. He’d made all the right noises…said he would love to…but told her she needed to think about what she was saying. Then he’d left—in one hell of a hurry! She pulled the pillow over her head and groaned. He was far too nice a guy to just say, no thanks!