Smile Like You Mean It

by S. J. McCoy

  “Then what do I do, Mom? This is frustrating as hell. I don’t get what I can do. She doesn’t get what she can do. If I buy her place, she can lease the bakery, take me out of the equation in terms of her funding her center. She can be as independent as she needs to be.”

  His mom let out a little laugh. “How’s she supposed to feel independent, if you give her the money for her place, then live there with her, just like you do now?”

  Gabe couldn’t help his shudder. “I don’t even want to live there though. The place is a shack.”

  “So you want to buy her place and ask her to move out of it, too?”

  He pressed his fingers into his temple. “I don’t know what I want, other than I want her to live with me, I want her to be happy.” He met his mom’s eyes. “I want her to marry me.”

  His mom let out a little squeal and clapped her hands together. “Then we need to come up with a better plan than what you’ve got going now, because believe me, it wouldn’t work.”

  He couldn’t help but smile at his mom’s obvious delight and eagerness to help him out. “So what do you suggest?”

  “First of all, I need you to tell me everything, then we can decide.”

  “I have told you everything.”

  She shook her head grimly. “Why didn’t you know where she was this morning?”

  He nodded. “Okay, I should probably make us some fresh coffee.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Renée pushed her hair out of her eyes as she waited. She was nervous. Nervous about seeing him again, nervous about what he might want. She wished she could talk to Gabe. He’d reassure her that she was okay, that everything would be okay. He’d lay out the facts for her, help her see it all objectively. But she couldn’t talk to Gabe. She fiddled with her purse. Why was she planning to walk away from him, when he was the one person she wanted to turn to? She didn’t have time to ponder that question as she heard her name called. She stood and tried to tame her hair.

  “Hi.”

  Renée couldn’t speak for a moment. Eric looked older. Haggard was the word that came to mind. It was hard to process, he’s always been so meticulous about his appearance.

  “Are you going to sit?” He pointed at the chair across from him, and she sat.

  “How are you?” It wasn’t what she’d meant to say, but for some reason, she needed to know.

  His smile reminded her of what she’d seen in him all those years ago. “As good as can be expected.”

  She pulled herself together and asked the question she’d intended to. “What do you want?”

  He laughed. “That’s more like it. That’s the Renée I know.”

  What did he mean by that? She stared at him, wondering what this was all about.

  He shook his head and stared off out the window before looking back at her. “I’m going down, Renée.” He shrugged. “I’ve accepted that.”

  That surprised her, but she nodded and waited to hear more.

  “I could make your life very difficult if I wanted to.”

  She tensed, knowing it was true.

  “There are so many ways I could implicate you.”

  “But you’re not going to?”

  “Not if you do something for me.”

  “What’s that?”

  He smiled. “I want you to admit your responsibility.”

  She stared at him. “But I’m not responsible for any of it! I didn’t even know what you were doing!”

  He laughed. “Don’t you think a wife who doesn’t know what her husband is doing bears some responsibility in that situation? If you’d ever really cared about me, or about us, do you think I would have gotten away with any of it?”

  She was dumbfounded.

  “Come on. You were always so stubborn in your do-gooding, you refused to see anything you didn’t want to see. Good or bad, if it didn’t fit with how you wanted to see the world and see yourself, then it just didn’t exist.”

  “I…I don’t know what you mean.”

  He laughed again. “Yes, you do. If you stop and really think about it, you do. Remember the early days? All the vacations I wanted us to go on? The house I wanted us to buy? The way you refused to spend anything on us? You were so focused in on what you wanted to do, you never made room for an us. I made the choices I made, I’m not blaming you for that. I’m just saying, if you hadn’t been so damn stubborn we could have had a great life, the two of us.”

  Renée stared at him. She couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. “So you’re saying that it’s my fault that you did what you did?”

  “No. I’m saying if you hadn’t been so damn stubborn we could have done it together.”

  It was her turn to laugh. “You really think I would have gone along with fraud and embezzlement?”

  “No, I think there wouldn’t have been any need for it if you’d cared half as much for yourself and your man as you did for your good deeds. You denied yourself a good life out of guilt over your sister, but it never occurred to you that you were denying me a good life, too. I just want you to admit that. Your goddamned meaning and purpose as you call them were so much more important to you than I ever was.”

  She stared at him. “I…I never knew you felt that way.”

  “Because you never listened. I tried to tell you often enough in the early days.”

  “And then you turned to lying and stealing and cheating instead!”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, and I had a great few years of it.”

  “So…” she was struggling to get to grips with what he was saying. Worst of all, a part of her mind was agreeing with him. She couldn’t deal with that right now. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying, I’ll make the divorce as easy as possible, and I’ll do everything I can to clear your name.”

  “And what do you want in return?”

  He smiled. “Like I said. I want you to admit responsibility.”

  She shrugged. “Okay. I admit. I was focused on the charity, not on you, not on us. Is that what you want? There. I said it. Can I go now?” She made to stand. She was trembling, shocked at the truth that rang in his words. It didn’t excuse or even explain what he’d done, but it had shown her a truth about herself she didn’t like.

  “Sit down, Renée.”

  His words were so sharp she sank back into the chair and stared at him. His face was hard now. “I’ve been with a girl for the last five years.”

  She felt the air rush out of her lungs. “Oh.”

  “She knew about you.”

  Renée was finding this difficult to process.

  “I always thought about leaving you for her.”

  “So why the hell didn’t you?”

  He shrugged.

  Renée understood though. “She didn’t run a charity you could dip your fingers into, right?”

  He had the nerve to laugh. “Something like that. Anyway. The point is, now she does know about you. She said she’d come visit me, if you got in touch with her. If you confirmed for her that I had my reasons.”

  She had to laugh; it sounded a little hysterical even to her own ears. “Seriously? You want me to go see the woman who you cheated on me with and reassure her that I’m the villain of the piece and you’re a good guy really?”

  He nodded. “Pretty much.”

  Renée pushed the hair out of her eyes. “And what if I don’t?”

  He shrugged. “Your choice, doll. Quick and easy divorce, having your name cleared, or long drawn-out battles. Which do you want?”

  She shook her head. “I want this over with. I want you out of my life.”

  He pushed a piece of paper across the table to her. “Then here’s her number.”

  She took it and looked up at him. “Is there anything left to fight over in a divorce?”

  He smiled. “Nothing that you’d ever get your hands on.”

  She nodded. She’d suspected as much. He probably still had money, maybe even in this woman’s name, but she’d r
ather walk away than spend any time or energy fighting for it. She stood and looked at the number. “How do I know that you’ll keep your word?”

  “You don’t, do you?” He laughed. “Come on, Renée. I may have been caught, but I’m not stupid. If I don’t keep my end of the bargain, there’s nothing to stop you from talking to her again, is there?” He held her gaze for a moment. “I just want us both to come out of this with the least damage possible. I did love you for a while, you know.”

  “You did?”

  He nodded and raised his eyebrows in question.

  She gave the slightest nod of her head. She had loved him or at least the man she’d thought he was. She couldn’t help but wonder now if that wasn’t simply the man she’d wanted him to be, and like he’d said, she’d stubbornly refused to see anything else.

  “I guess this is goodbye then, huh?”

  She nodded, realizing that she’d more than likely never see him again. A wave of sadness swept through her. Something in his words had hit home. She held his gaze for a moment. “I’m sorry, Eric.”

  He nodded. “Me, too.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Gabe stared out at the lake. He did love it up here at Renée’s place. The house drove him nuts, no question about it, but the place itself, the orchard, the view of the lake, it was perfect. He was hoping that the plan his mom had helped him come up with would appeal to Renée. He wasn’t sure it would, but he had to hope. She was his future, he had no doubt about it. He didn’t know what he’d do if she didn’t feel the same way. A part of him knew, just knew that she did. What worried him was that her stubbornness might win out. As far as he could see, his mom’s idea took into account everything that Renée needed in order to still feel she had her independence and could still do and be what she needed. He pressed his fingers into his temples. He was still worried that as far as he could see might not be far enough. He understood her to a certain extent, but her stubbornness was beyond him. But then he wasn’t a woman, and he didn’t stand to lose anything by being with her, not in the way she did by being with him.

  His phone buzzed, making him jump. He smiled when he saw her name on the display.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi, Gabe. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, too, my love. Are you all right?”

  There was a long silence before she replied. “I think I’m going to be.”

  “What does that mean? What did Eric want?”

  “I’ll tell you all about it when I get back. I’ll be home tomorrow.”

  “Good. Will you have dinner with me?”

  “I’d like that. Should I come out to Four Mile?”

  “I’d like to make you dinner there, but then can we come home to your place.”

  “You want to?”

  He smiled. “I’d love to. I’m here now. I missed you.”

  “Aww, Gabe. I miss you, too. I’m really sorry about last night.”

  “So am I. I want to talk to you’ I have an idea I want to run by you.”

  “What?”

  “I think we should wait until you get here. What time do you think you’ll be back?”

  “I don’t know yet. I have to go see someone in the morning.”

  “The lawyers?” She sounded edgy. He wanted to know why.

  She sighed. “Eric has a girlfriend. He wants me to go tell her that he only did all of this because I’m such a stubborn bitch!”

  “And you’re going to?”

  She was quiet for several moments. “I am. But only because, in a way, I think he’s right.”

  “Renée!”

  She let out a short bitter laugh. “What, you don’t think I’m stubborn?”

  He smiled to himself. “No comment, but I don’t think anything you did or didn’t do made Eric do what he did. That’s his responsibility.”

  “Oh, I know that. I’m going to go talk to her for my sake, not for his. I hate it, but he made me realize something about myself today. I’m hoping that he’s done me a huge favor…”

  “What’s that?”

  “He’s saved me from making the same mistake with you. I need my independence, I need my meaning and purpose, but they don’t mean more to me than you do. I want to find a way for us to work this out together. If you still want me?”

  “I do. I’ll always want you. I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Gabe. I’d better go though. I’m meeting Paul later.”

  “Okay. Call me and let me know when you’ll be back?”

  “I will. Bye.”

  Gabe hung up and stared out at the lake again. Wow! He’d hated the thought of her going to see Eric, but it sounded as though the guy had done her some good—maybe even done him a favor, too. He couldn’t wait for her to get back. Couldn’t wait to tell her his idea. It sounded as though she might be more open to it than he’d dared to hope. He’d find out tomorrow.

  ~ ~ ~

  The next morning Renée pulled up at the address the woman on the phone had given her. Alison. That was her name. This felt so weird. She was going to meet the woman her husband had been seeing, hell sleeping with for the last five years. And going to tell her that she was…what? To blame for what he’d done? No. Partly responsible? She couldn’t even buy that. All she could do was admit that which she accepted to be true. She hadn’t loved him the way he’d wanted her to. Hadn’t made him a priority, because she was too stubborn to see beyond her own priorities. She could admit that, and it would do her good. What this Alison person chose to do with that was none of Renée’s business.

  She got out of the car and walked up the path to the front door. It opened before she had chance to ring the bell. She hadn’t known what to expect, but the woman standing there wasn’t what she would have pictured.

  “You must be Renée.”

  She nodded.

  “Come on in.”

  She followed her through to a bright kitchen looking out onto a small, but neat backyard.

  “Can I get you a drink or anything?

  “No thanks.” Renée had no intention of being here any longer than necessary.

  Alison looked decidedly uncomfortable. Renée had to wonder what must be going through her mind.

  “So, what do you want to know?”

  Alison met her gaze. “I don’t know. I think you’ve answered most of questions just by coming here. He’d always painted you as the mean and nasty unfeeling bitch. He was the poor misunderstood man who just wanted to be loved. I’m not proud of being with a married man, but, in a way, it seemed okay.”

  Renée’s heart was pounding. How could it ever be okay to have a relationship with another woman’s husband? She didn’t get it. “How was it okay?”

  Alison shook her head. “I guess because we were united in the face of adversity. You were the evil oppressor, and he was the good guy who just wanted to be loved and understood.”

  Renée couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped. “And all the while I had no clue what was going on. I just wondered why he didn’t love me more.”

  Alison met her gaze. “But you never shared anything with him, never let him in, overrode him on all the decisions. Or is that just what he told me?”

  She thought about it, then nodded slowly. “I guess it’s all true. I just never saw it. Up until yesterday I would have told you that he never explained to me that he felt that way. Apparently though, he tried, and I just never listened. So, I guess what he told you was the truth. It’s just a different truth from mine.”

  “Thank you.”

  “What for?”

  “For being brave enough to be honest.”

  Renée smiled. “Strange as it sounds, I’m actually grateful for the chance. If Eric hadn’t wanted me to come see you, I would probably never have realized how he saw it. How I was in his eyes. It’s tough, but it’s going to help me going forward in life.” She looked at April. “What about you? What are you going to do? He’s going to be going to prison for a long time by the looks of it.”


  Alison smiled back. “I know. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do about Eric. I’ll go see him, but wanting to meet you was more about making my peace with myself. I needed to know who you are, whether everything he told me about you was a lie.”

  “It seems as though it wasn’t really a lie, but it wasn’t really the truth either.”

  Alison nodded. “That about sums it up. It doesn’t change the fact that everything he spent on me was stolen from you.”

  “Oh, no. Not from me, that’d be bad enough. He stole from the charity. He stole money that people trusted us with, trusted us to do good with.”

  “I know.” She met Renée’s gaze. “But I still love him.”

  Renée found that hard to process. She shrugged. “That’s your dilemma. I’ve got enough problems of my own.” Even as they came out, the words surprised her. She didn’t want to help, she just wanted to be done with all of this, get back to her own life and get on with it. She stood. “I wish you luck.”

  “Thank you.” Alison followed her to the door. “Thank you for doing this. I have to ask though, did he blackmail you into it?”

  Renée smiled. “Let’s just say he offered me a trade. He said he’d give me an easy divorce and help clear my name if I came. It was more the fact that he pointed out my shortcomings that made me come though.”

  Alison nodded. “I’ll go see him, tell him you did your best.”

  “Thanks.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Gabe paced the kitchen in the Four Mile House. She should be back any time now. He couldn’t wait to see her. He wanted to hear about her meeting with Eric—and with his girlfriend. More importantly though, he wanted to put his idea to her.

  He heard her car pull up and went to the front door to meet her.

  ~ ~ ~

  Renée pulled up outside the house and looked around. It was beautiful. She wouldn’t deny that. As a child she’d dreamed of one day living in one of the big waterfront houses in town. It no longer held the same appeal though. Her house was her home. She’d realized over the last few weeks that it was her one connection with the past. Her last link to Chloe and to her dad, she didn’t want to let go, not yet, and the way she felt, maybe never.