“I said stop,” I repeated myself, sounding much firmer, like I really meant to say it this time. When I met his stare, my stomach twisted.
Sawyer regained his cockiness within seconds, not letting me see the real him for long. “No one stops me,” he said, as if trying to convince me to let him continue.
The fingers on my right hand were still wound in his blonde hair, keeping his head back, lest he had any ideas to swoop back in. “I doubt you’ve ever met a girl like me before.” My words could be taken in more than one way.
A half smile grew on his lips. It was hard to stare at them and not remember what they’d been doing mere moments before. “You’re not so different from the rest. You might be poor, you might be the first girl at Hillcrest, but you’re not special. There’s nothing special about you.” Jarring, mean words, spoken directly from the heart.
But he was right. To Sawyer, I was nothing. No one special. Just another girl with another horny vagina.
Here’s the thing, though—Sawyer didn’t know me. He didn’t know what I’d been through to get here. He had no idea the things I’d seen. He thought he could hurt me by calling me names, telling me I was worthless, nothing special? The words slid right off me, not sticking in place. Name-calling was not a way to get to me. I was beyond such juvenile, pointless things.
I gave him a full-blown smile, a full grin of my lips. His eyes dropped to my mouth to watch it form, and I was slow to release my hold in his hair. “You’re right,” I said. “There’s nothing special about me. I guess that’s the difference between someone like you and someone like me.” I traced his square jaw, watching as his muscles tensed, his teeth grinding. “I know I’m not special, but the sad thing is…you don’t.”
Every hint of lust was gone in his expression. Good. Sawyer had to know who he was playing with here. The hands holding my ass and my side loosened, but I didn’t step away, not quite done talking yet.
“You don’t realize how ordinary you are, besides the money. Do you think you’re the first person to lose a sibling? Do you think you’re the first person who’s ever lost a friend? Nothing about you or your situation is special, Sawyer. Nothing.” Now I took a step back from him, exposing the slight erection pressed against his pants. I suspected it was fading at a rapid pace. “I hope I’m there the moment you realize it, too.” I gave him a wave and a smile as I left the bedroom, closing the door behind me. I stood there for a moment, allowing myself a split-second of satisfaction.
It felt great to put someone like Sawyer in their place.
Chapter Thirteen – Travis
I knew this party would be fun. How fun? Well, I hadn’t known that until I saw Ash arrive, looking both simple and devastating in tight, body-hugging jeans. She had a nice body, that was for sure. It was a body that often got lost in the clothes she wore. Such a shame, too.
I moved on the peripherals of the party, mostly keeping to myself. Most of the girls who’d be hooking up tonight had already chosen their targets, or they’d already been chosen by the guys. Sawyer would have his pick of the crop, so to speak, just as he always did. Sometimes he took more than one girl up to his room. It was his way. I couldn’t blame him. Sometimes you needed to release that pent-up energy. What better way than sex?
My eyes trailed Ash to the kitchen, watching as she disappeared for a few minutes. I imagined her getting a drink, but then I saw Sawyer head that way, too. He saw her. Of course he did. He was nearly as in tune with his need for vengeance as I was with my need for…
Well, I needed a lot of things, none of which were important right now. If my family taught me one thing, it was that there was a time for everything. Sometimes biding one’s time was the best course of action to take. My family was a unique sort of crazy, and I was one of them.
But I was getting off track.
Right. Back to Ash and Sawyer.
I reached into my back pocket as I waited, pulling out a cigarette and sticking the nub in my lips. I didn’t light it; Sawyer hated it when I lit up in his house. While I was here, I played nice. No one would say I didn’t play nice on occasion. Playing nice wasn’t a favorite of mine, but I did it when necessary. Thanks to my upbringing, I had a lot of masks I wore. One of them I wore nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
I was never myself around these other students, and I was never myself around Sawyer. I knew his kind well enough. My family had money too, but it was a different kind of money. Blood money. Sawyer’s family got rich off of making drugs cost so much families went in debt to get them. We weren’t from the same breed of money.
Soon enough Ash exited the kitchen. She didn’t carry a drink, and she looked like she was purposefully trying to keep her cool, which meant she must’ve spoken to Sawyer. Or Sawyer spoke to her. Either way, it must not have been a fantastic, stimulating conversation. I bet I could’ve given her exactly what she needed.
But tonight wasn’t my night. It was Sawyer’s. And since it was Sawyer’s night, I hung at the edges of the party, watching the whole thing like a hawk, eagle-eyed and alert under the bored face I wore. When Sawyer left the kitchen, trailing after Ash, I followed him, but not too close that he noticed me. To more than half of these people, I was invisible, which was both a relief and intensely aggravating.
Sometimes all I wanted was to be seen for who I was. I thought Sabrina had seen me, but she didn’t. She was just like the rest of them. Ignorant, unaware, stupid. I’d even go so far as to say plain dumb.
Was Ash the same? Would she wind up like all these other faces, blending together in my head? None of these other people mattered. Not the girls in the skanky dresses or the guys with their hard-ons while they danced. Sawyer mattered to me, a little, but not much. For the moment, I cared about Ash, mostly because she was a curiosity to me. A curious curiosity that simply kept growing ever more curious.
For example, why did she come to this party? What was she hoping to achieve? I wanted to get her alone, away from Sawyer, and with any luck that would come later. Right now, as I watched Sawyer and Ash start to dance together, I had something else I needed to do.
With the cigarette still unlit and hanging off my lips, I reached into my jeans and pulled out my phone. My eyes watched Sawyer force Ash to turn around, pressing their fronts together as they swayed and grinded on each other. She brought her hands up to his neck, and for a quick moment, it looked like they were together, like they were bonding.
I didn’t like it. Sawyer wanted to use her in his revenge against Declan? That was fine, at first. Then I met her, saw her, spoke to her. She was so much more than a pawn. She was a fucking queen, and I wouldn’t let that king sweep her off the board in an illegal move.
I scrolled through my phone, finding a contact I hadn’t texted or called in quite some time. Nearly a year, actually. Friends tended to fade away when death happened. It was a harsh fact of life. I opened a new message and lifted my phone, snapping a picture of Sawyer and Ash together, her arms around his neck, a look of adoration on her face. As if Sawyer’s handsome looks were getting to her.
It’d be terrible if it was true. I had to find out if Ash was even worth my time.
Once the picture loaded into the message, I typed out Sawyer’s address and hit the send button, putting my phone back in my pocket before I received a response. Maybe I wouldn’t even get one. It was fine; I didn’t need a response to know that he got it. Declan wouldn’t be too happy seeing Sawyer and Ash together.
I slowly made my way from the group of dancing bodies and emerged into the backyard, sitting on one of the patio’s many chairs. No one else was out here, mostly because the mosquitos were a bitch. But with the smoke, they usually stayed away. One advantage of smoking, at least. I lit up finally, feeling my lungs fill up with the faintest traces of tobacco.
With the moon hanging high overhead, I wondered if I was purposely sabotaging Sawyer’s chance at wooing Ash to our side. Granted, I wouldn’t put myself on Sawyer’s side—not really—bu
t he didn’t know that. The mask I wore around him was the best mask of all. The mask of a friend who would do anything for him. Sawyer was so caught up in his own grief, not to mention totally haughty, that he didn’t think to question me.
I didn’t want to get in the way of Sawyer’s taste of revenge, but I also enjoyed seeing him seethe and plot. It was fun, having a miserable friend, watching him spiral downwards into the black abyss. He’d sooner shoot himself in his own foot than let Declan and his need for revenge go. Sawyer would dig his own fucking grave, and I wouldn’t stop him.
No, if anything, I’d watch.
A part of me wanted to see how far Sawyer would go. If he was certain Declan had killed Sabrina, would he murder Declan himself? Would he resort to something physical, or would he use his money to hire an assassin? A contract killer, someone who did this for a living. So far, Sawyer had been somewhat content in making Declan’s life miserable, but I knew most people could only hold back for so long. If Sawyer wanted Declan dead, Declan would die. Where would that leave Ash?
I sent that picture tonight because I didn’t want Ash in Sawyer’s grip. I wasn’t certain whether or not she was different than everyone else here. Would she see me for who I was? I…I surprisingly wanted her to. I wanted Ash to see past the masks I wore. I wanted her to know me for me, not who I masqueraded as. Was it so wrong to want someone to love me for who I was? Sabrina hadn’t been the one.
Ash was…not the kind of person a guy like Sawyer was used to being around. Even the locals around here weren’t quite like Ash. She’d basically come from nothing; without a sponsor, without a scholarship, there was no way she’d ever be able to afford to come to Hillcrest University, even if she took on loans. She basically came from dirt, and yet there was an air of confidence about her, the way she held herself…it was anything but assured and cocky, not like how Sawyer was. Ash knew who she was; it was more than I could say for a lot of people around here, Sawyer included in that number.
I’d done a bit of research into her, found her high school, her social media profiles. She had a history of serious pictures with her skateboard and her various hair-dyeing journeys. She had a single friend, Kelsey Yates, who liked and commented on anything and everything Ash posted. It’s what friends did for each other nowadays, apparently. Looking good followed by those smiley faces with the hearts for eyes. I found the ritual annoying, but Ash seemed to like it.
Seemed being the operative word there.
She seemed to enjoy it, just like on the dance floor she seemed to be enjoying herself with Sawyer. I knew how easy it was to pretend—and I recognized the glimmer in her eyes. Ash was more than what she seemed to be, which intrigued me to no end. I needed to know what she was really like, needed to know if an obsession was even warranted. To do that, I had to show her just how ugly Sawyer really was.
I propped my feet up on the chair across from me, staring at the moon. The sky was clear, and I could see all the dark gray craters on the rock in the black sky. I liked gazing up at the night sky, at all of the constellations. It reminded me that we weren’t alone, that there was a big, wide universe out there; it humbled me, and I was not one to be humbled.
After filling my lungs again, I took the cigarette out of my mouth and held it off to the side, tapping it to break off the burnt, ashy end. I exhaled slowly, deliberately taking my time. Smoking wasn’t good for me, but as I saw it, a lot of things weren’t good for you, and people still did them anyway. Alcohol could severely impair judgment, and people still drank it in spades. You could get infected any time you get a tattoo, too. My body was riddled with those. They were the one thing I actually liked about myself, go figure.
I heard the backdoor open, and I didn’t turn my head to see who it was. Time had escaped me while I was outside, smoking and gazing up at the moon, so I had no idea what time it was now. I needn’t have thought much about it, for the person who’d come from the house and moved to sit beside me was the girl in question herself.
Ash.
Pretty, strange, beautiful Ash.
She plopped herself in the chair beside me, breathing a bit harder than was natural. I had no idea if the grinding with Sawyer had worked her up so much, or if he’d taken her somewhere private and fucked her. I’d ask him about it later, after the party was done…but I sincerely hoped it was the former. If she was with Sawyer…
Fuck. I didn’t know why, but the thought bugged the shit out of me. I didn’t want her to be with Sawyer. I wanted her to be with me—which was ridiculous, because I didn’t yet know whether she was good enough to be with me.
Ash stretched out her legs, glancing at me. Her clothes looked unruffled, her hair mostly untouched. She didn’t look like someone who just had sex, which made me feel a little better. Selfish, stupid me. She reached for my hand, the one with the cigarette, and I handed it over to her, watching as she took a puff, then immediately began to cough.
“Shit,” Ash said, giving it back to me. Our fingers brushed together, a jolt of electricity traveling through me. Her fingers were so much thinner and softer than mine were. “Forgot how much I hate that.”
I returned her comment with a grin. When silence overtook us, I took another puff before asking, “Enjoying the party? I assume Sawyer’s been inviting.” My skin felt itchy now; I knew the only cure would be to feel every inch of her flesh on mine. The rest of her body had to be as soft as her hands…or maybe even softer.
“Sawyer is…” Ash started, quickly trailing off. She ran a hand through her hair, turning her gaze up at the moon. Strangely, right now I couldn’t care less about the moon; all I could stare at was her. “He thinks he owns everyone, doesn’t he?” She measuredly returned her gray-eyed gaze to me.
“That’s one way to put it,” I said, shrugging. Sawyer owning people didn’t seem too far off the mark. Everyone at Hillcrest practically fell over themselves to please him; students and faculty alike. If there was a King of HU, it would be Sawyer.
Her next words startled me. “I don’t like it. I don’t like people like that. Money isn’t everything. If something ever happened and his family lost their fortune, I doubt anyone would lift a finger to try to help him.” Ash’s tone was vehement, and I couldn’t blame her. If something happened to Sawyer’s family, I probably wouldn’t do much to help, just like she’d said.
But I was a cold-hearted son of a bitch. Sawyer was…not like me. On the surface he was, but deep down? Deep down he was a decent guy. Right now he was just drowning himself in hatred and rage, not to mention his desperate need for vengeance.
Ash shifted in her seat, tossing me a look. “I don’t want to talk about Sawyer.”
I nodded along, letting her lead the conversation. If she didn’t want to talk about Sawyer, what did she want to discuss? Me? Herself? The goings on of Hillcrest? Or maybe that serial killer everyone’s talking about?
“Let’s talk about you,” she said. “Tell me about you, Travis.”
I grinned, taking another puff of my cigarette. “There’s nothing really to tell. I’m nowhere near as interesting as Sawyer. I’m just…here.” I exhaled through my nose, a smoke puff curling before my face. I’d much rather talk about Ash than me.
“See, I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re more interesting than Sawyer. You seem more real to me than him,” she said, and I had to hold in a chuckle. More real? I was no more real than anyone here. Maybe my mask was that good—or maybe I’d given Ash far too much credit. It was a moment before she added, “But there is something about you that I can’t put my finger on.”
Ah, maybe she deserved all the credit she got.
I met her stare in the darkness. “And what something is that?” I pretended not to notice the way her gaze traveled along me, taking in my bare arms, the tattoos on them, and my legs. She liked how I looked, which was good…because I liked how she looked, too. Attraction was the first step.
“I’ve known a lot of people, dated a lot of guys.” As she went on, I fel
t a muscle in my cheek clamp shut; I didn’t like hearing about her and other guys. “Some were nice, most weren’t. I know from past experience that you can’t know what’s going on in someone’s head unless you’re that someone.”
I wasn’t quite following what she was saying. My cigarette was near gone now, and I dropped it to the pavement below, its ashy end turning to embers and falling apart. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that sometimes it’s the pretty boys who are the worst liars, but you’d never be able to tell just by looking at their face,” Ash said, gazing at the moon once more.
“Do you think I’m hiding something?”
Her lips quirked into a tiny smile. “I think it’s too early in our relationship for me to answer that correctly.” Ash sunk on the chair, her back sliding against the cushion. She lifted her legs, placing them beside mine on the second chair I was sprawled out on. Our feet nearly touched; nearly, but not quite. Though her feet were less than five inches from mine, there was still distance between us.
I didn’t like it.
“Your turn,” she said. “Ask me anything.”
There were a thousand and one questions I could’ve asked her right then, but I chose to say, “Why did you agree to come to Hillcrest?” How many girls would volunteer to be a test run, an experiment in a whole campus full of dicks? Some would, I knew, but I bet a lot wouldn’t. It took a girl with confidence in herself to believe she’d be alright.
Would Ash be okay? Would she come out of Hillcrest alive? Right now, I really hoped so, because I liked her. Goddamn it all, I liked her. A hell of a lot more than I should, considering what Sawyer wanted to use her for. It was clear though that Ash was not going to play the game Sawyer wanted her to, which only made me respect her more, like her more.
Loser: A Dark College Bully Romance (Hillcrest University Book 1) Page 9
