Dream a Little Dream of Me

by Daniels, Cobie

  Dream a Little

  Dream of Me

  Cobie Daniels

  Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  1. August 2014

  2. August 1994

  3. August 2014

  4. September 1994

  5. October 1994

  6. September 1994

  7. December 2014

  8. November 1994

  9. December 1994

  10. December 2014

  11. June 1995

  12. March 2015

  13. July 1995

  14. May 2012

  15. July 1995

  16. March 2015

  17. December 2013

  18. March 2015

  19. July 1995

  20. March 2015

  21. August 1995

  22. April 2014

  23. August 1995

  24. April 2014

  25. August 1995

  26. June 3, 2014

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Copyright © 2016 by Cobie Daniels

  All rights reserved.

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. To obtain permission to excerpt portions of the text, please contact the author at authorcobiedaniels@gmail.com

  All characters in this book are fiction and figments of the author’s imagination. www.cobiedaniels.com

  Dedication

  To Sam

  My knight in shining armor

  To Mom and Dad

  Who always believe in me

  To Walter Elias Disney

  For being the ultimate dreamer

  It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.

  Walt Disney

  August 2014

  12 Weeks After the Incident

  Another mid-Atlantic afternoon thunderstorm rolled in; Kelsey watched her horse trot towards the shelter of the barn as the wind began to whip across the field. The soybean crops lifted parched leaves to the heavens, begging the rains to quench their thirst. Heaven...Kelsey huffed under her breath as she was jarred back to her reality. The heavy clouds, the vibrant lightning, and the low thunder reflected the continual storm in her heart as she knew she was walking back into an empty house. Her family and friends really wanted to help, but when they said things like “take comfort that he’s in heaven and you will see him again,” she wanted to respond in the nicest way possible with “Fuck Off.”

  At any given moment Kelsey would find herself angry. Angry at her new situation? Yes. Angry at him? Yes. Pissed at God? Absolutely. Though she had felt multiple emotions since the incident, lately anger took precedence. She flipped on the bathroom light switch, turned on the water, added soap, and proceeded to clean her hands of the day’s barn work. She stared into the mirror and had no idea who was staring back. As far as she was concerned, she was unrecognizable. Her caramel, shoulder length hair that used to shine was lost to a dull shade of brown beginning to show the signs of gray at the roots. Hazel eyes with the flecks of green that Jason loved to get lost in were now hidden behind a shade of sadness. Her once finely manicured nails had been chewed away, as biting them became a new nervous habit. None of that seemed to matter.

  Kelsey continued to stare and then murmured, “Thirty-seven, and I look like I’m about to celebrate my fiftieth.” Then she remembered she’d just recently locked herself in the house and tried her best to ignore her birthday. “Oh right…I’m thirty-eight now. Perfect.” With a sufficient eye roll, she turned to dry her hands as the lights began to flicker. Quickly rounding up some candles, she lit the last one and placed it in the living room just as the power was gone. “Shit, seriously?” She grabbed the extra candle and made her way back to the living room. The coffee table looked like a shrink had vomited on it in the form of pamphlets. Titles like “Dealing with Grief,” “Processing the Pain,” and her particular favorite “Personal Grief Assessment.” All were displayed in hopes Kelsey would talk about the incident. She scooped up all the pamphlets, walked them to the kitchen, and filed them in the garbage can. On the kitchen table were letters and cards. Most unopened. She couldn’t bring herself to open them. Her eyes would just see letters forming words. Their messages of condolence were surely sincere, but her brain could not process when nothing computed in this situation. Her thoughts stayed in a perpetual cycle of sadness. Kelsey’s heart was broken, shattered into a million microscopic pieces. So much so, that she was convinced no one would ever be worthy of making her whole again.

  The power eventually came back on, which allowed her to take a hot shower and crawl into bed. The coolness of the sheets and the softness of the duvet hugged her body. Just when she had gained a moment of clarity, the empty void beside her in bed once again reduced her to a sob. The kind of cry that comes from deep within, leaving every joint and bone aching in the body. Reaching over to turn off the lamp, she let the darkness inside the room consume her. She lay in bed, asking the same questions that she asked every night for the past twelve weeks. “Why?”

  At 3 AM, Kelsey woke with a jolt as another round of storms flared up. Her head pounding from all of the crying, she made her way to the kitchen for a glass of milk and Advil. Heading back to work in only five hours after twelve weeks of bereavement, she was overwhelmed by the feeling of dread. She knew she had to try and find normalcy again, and maybe a routine would do that. She didn’t need the money. Jason had taken out a very robust life insurance policy when they got married that paid off everything and left her a healthy savings account. However, Kelsey loved her job; more importantly she loved the people she worked with and the technology she worked with and knew that going back would hopefully help in this journey she never wanted to take to begin with.

  As she walked back to her room, she stopped by the pictures hanging in the hallway. Staring at each photo, she felt her mind flooded with memories, and her eyes quickly filled with the only release they were familiar with. She made her way back to her room and began to talk out loud as if Jason were with her. “Jason, do you know how scared and tired I am? How am I going to survive this? Why did you leave me?”

  She collapsed in her bed and lay in fetal position only to eventually fall into a deep sleep and dream vividly of the day her whole world spiraled out of control. In the dream, just as she did in real life, she found Jason slumped over the seat in his truck, head bleeding and not breathing. She erupted into screams, begging him not to leave her.

  Before she knew it, the five forty-five alarm was already going off. Kelsey's eyes shot open. The drive one-way to downtown Norfolk was thirty-five minutes. Rush hour traffic added a good fifteen minutes, and if it was raining, then leaving at seven a.m. was a must. Thankful for an extremely simple dress code at work, which consisted of a polo shirt and her favorite jeans, she hayed her horse, fed the dogs, let them out one last time before crating them, then made her way to the car.

  She could see her dad standing on his back porch forty yards or so from the driveway, coffee in one hand while using his other hand to send a faint wave. He knew today was a big first step. For some inexplicable reason, Kelsey felt like he was watching his little girl again, off to her first day of school. Kelsey closed her eyes and wished it were that simple and sweet. She gave a wave back and slid into the car. She could feel her heart start to sink and eyes fill with liquid therapy.

  “No t
ime for this! I need to beat that damn school bus, or else I’ll never make it to work on time.” She put the key in the ignition, adjusted her seat and mirrors, and put the car in reverse. Having no idea how she would hold up once she got there, she put the car in drive and headed to the last place she was when she got the call.

  August 1994

  First Date

  As Jason Bauer came around to open the passenger door, Kelsey recognized that this was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She’d just turned eighteen; most people would argue she couldn’t possibly know, but Kelsey knew, and that was all that mattered. Standing at six feet to Kelsey’s five foot seven stature, he had dark brown hair that accentuated his deep, piercing blue eyes. When he looked at Kelsey, it simply took her breath away.

  One of the things that Kelsey immediately noticed about Jason was his chiseled chin and strong arms. When he held her, Kelsey felt safer there than she had ever felt anywhere. As he opened the door, Kelsey thought of how she was going to deal with her parents about all this. She was raised in a loving albeit very conservative home. Love was fine, but only if she did it the way her parents (in particular the way her mother) thought it should be done. Her mom would be okay if Kelsey married young to one of the nice boys from church. Especially one of those Brandon boys. While Kelsey thought they were a very nice family, she had absolutely no regard for either of those boys. She had read enough Jane Austen to know that she wanted to fall in love in the most unconventional way.

  After a very nice dinner with Jason and some of the easiest conversation she’d ever had with any male, let alone this handsome twenty-two-year old, they played a round of miniature golf, laughing at each other as the competition to see who was going to win grew more intense with each putt. Once Kelsey secured the victory, they decided since it was a beautiful night, the moon at its fullest, a walk on the beach would be a great way to end a perfect date.

  As they strolled, Kelsey pointed out the halo around the moon, which impressed Jason, as he had never seen one or even cared enough to see one. They continued to walk down the beach; the humidity reminded them that they were still in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record. They kicked off their shoes and socks and allowed their bare feet to be hit by the cool waves. Just as Kelsey was catching her breath from the feel of his hand over hers, Jason grabbed both of her hands, catching Kelsey by surprise, and pulled her to him. Eye to eye, Jason put his hands on either side of her face and placed a chaste kiss on her lips. It was all Kelsey could do to remain standing. He pulled away but didn’t release her face.

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you first; you’re just so beautiful…” and before he could finish, Kelsey kissed him back and this time surrendered her lips and tongue so that there was no question that he need not apologize. As they came up for air, he placed his forehead on hers. “Is this for real? We’ve known each other for a little over two weeks.” His tone was of hopeful disbelief.

  Over the early part of summer, Jason’s parents had moved in down the street to Kelsey’s family. Jason had come over to visit and saw Kelsey out back heading to the barn. She was wearing her hair in a long ponytail pulled back in a hat with a pink, short sleeve polo and brown riding britches and paddock boots. Sexy and adorable were the only words he could come up with. After one conversation over their fence that afternoon where he desperately tried to introduce himself and not sound like an ass, Jason asked if she would like to come into town to grab some lunch. From that moment, they had become inseparable, and Kelsey’s mother watched with a raised eyebrow at their blossoming friendship.

  “Kels? Can this really be happening this fast?” Jason asked again in a breathless moan. Kelsey’s equally breathless response, “I don’t even know what ‘this’ is, but I know I want more of it, and I want it to last forever.” They both sat down in the sand, trying to figure out how to go forward. Jason had heard how conservative Kelsey’s parents were, so “dating” was going to be tricky. Kelsey sat between his legs, her back to his chest. Their fingers entwined, Jason leaned in and gently kissed her neck, awakening Kelsey to her very core.

  As they continued to sit there, Jason asked her about her hopes, dreams, and what she really wanted in life. He was enthralled listening to her passionately talk about her love of art and her desire to become a teacher so she could share that love with others; about her dreams of having her own land, horses and dogs, and a barn with a romantic loft; about the importance of family, faith, and helping others. He wanted to be the one to give it all to her, and he would jump through whatever hoops in order to make that happen.

  They agreed that, no matter what, the obstacles they faced, they would face together. Regardless of her parents, high school graduation, and the next summer she was due to spend in England, they would get through it. He kissed her temple and said, “Let’s get you home—don’t want to get on your parents’ bad side after our first official date.”

  As they stood, Jason grabbed her, pulled her in, and wrapped his arms around her. She laid her head on his chest. He breathed sweetly into her hair and said, “I love you, Kelsey Jane Chapman. I don’t know how I already know this, but I do. I don’t expect you to respond; I just need you to know.” Kelsey pulled away from his chest; her eyes filled with tears. Putting her hands on his face, she quietly and passionately declared, “I love you, Jason Holden Bauer.”

  August 2014

  Back to Work

  At 7:53 AM, Kelsey pulled into the parking garage, her heart in her throat. She unbuckled her seatbelt and gathered her purse and lunch satchel. After she took two big cleansing breaths, she opened the car door, made sure she had all she needed, closed the door, and locked it. She made her way through the side door. Upon entering, she was greeted by several co-workers who very wisely welcomed her back with hugs and smiles and no words. For that she was grateful.

  She walked into the break room to put her bag in a locker and lunch in the fridge. As she was heading back to gather her tools needed on the floor, her store leader Michael approached her. “Hey, Kelsey, got a minute?” Kelsey looked up, nodding her head yes. He led her into the office and closed the door behind them. He was a gentle guy, who loved his family and loved working for the greatest technology company in the world. His leadership and enthusiasm for both were endearing and inspiring.

  “You ready for this, Kelsey?” His question caught her off guard, and she didn’t answer back immediately. “I’m as ready as I’m going to be,” she eventually said as she focused on the computer screen in fear that looking at him would cause the tears to come back.

  “If you need anything at all during your shift, just say the word. We all know that you’re just trying to get your feet wet again,” he responded, making full eye contact. “We’re here for you.”

  Before he could go on, Kelsey interrupted him, “I don't want to be coddled or to receive special treatment.”

  Michael looked perplexed. “I’m not suggesting that, Kelsey. I’ve been through a traumatic loss myself, and getting back into the game of life was tough. I just want you to know if something happens and you need to get off the floor, we have your back.” Kelsey was touched and appreciated his concern. “Now get out there and have a good day and take it one minute and one hour at a time.”

  They both stood, and he gave her an encouraging hug that sent her out to the floor hopeful that the first day back wouldn't be the disaster she was expecting. By the time her lunch rolled around, Kelsey was beyond grateful that her morning contact with customers had been benign at best. Helping reset passwords for accounts and for Facebook were the norm before the incident, and thankfully that had not changed in the interim. Baby boomers who were encouraged by their children and grandchildren to own technology for Skype and FaceTime came in by the droves needing to reset passwords and security questions. It seemed all those couples gravitated to Kelsey, and she didn't mind one bit. She often thought that she and Jason would be the old hip couple their nieces and nephews w
ould be proud of because they knew their devices inside and out.

  Before she headed from the break room and back into the store, she checked her smartphone to see what she’d missed. There was a text from her sister with a short video of her nieces and nephew holding up a poster with the words “We Love You!” written on it. When she hit play she enjoyed twenty glorious seconds of the eight, five, and three-year-old declaring their adoration of their aunt.

  Kelsey had experienced some of the darkest days and moments of her life over the past twelve weeks, but those kids were the perfect infusion of love and light that kept her going. All three had adored Jason, especially Sarah Jane. At age eight, she was a total princess and looked at her uncle Jason like the handsome prince that he was. They had a special bond, and she was having such a hard time processing that he was gone.

  Kelsey watched the video three times then moved on to two voicemails. One was from her mom Melody, just calling to see how her day was and to let her know that she had walked over to the house to let the dogs out to play for a bit. Then one was from her doctor’s office. When she played the message from Dr. Shepheard she began shaking her fist at the sky yelling, “DAMMIT.” The message was a reminder that Kelsey was way overdue to come in for labs to check her iron levels. It dawned on her that, with all the bereavement and crying herself into oblivion, her exhaustion was just being exasperated by her anemia.

  In 2012 what they initially thought was fatigue ended up leading them to discover that Kelsey was severely anemic and her body was not storing iron, which meant that her major organs were not getting enough oxygen. While they still didn’t know why Kelsey’s body started doing this, it put them on a path to finding out. The day the doctor told her, Kelsey’s head was spinning with all the information that was being passed on to her. She reached out to her sister who worked in x-ray at the children’s hospital. In her best reassuring voice, Ellie settled Kelsey's nerves and explained what to expect. Dr. Shepheard put Kelsey on a special diet and scheduled iron infusions every ninety days. The infusions had become the new normal, always scheduled at the infusion center at Norfolk General.