HAVING HIS CHILD

by Amy J. Fetzer

  He pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling a long breath as the little family thanked him and packed up the diaper bag. Just as they managed the jumble of strollers and bags, Lucas's gaze fell again on the infant girl. She was a beautiful creation of parents who loved each other. How lucky for her, he thought as the family left.

  And what would the state of his life leave for his and Angela's child?

  The thought of becoming a father scared the hell out of him, and yet, at the same time, filled him with a joy he'd never known before. He'd spent the past weeks looking at each child that came into his office a little differently, and his nights were tormented with the idea of Angela disappearing from his life and his child never knowing him, never knowing he'd been loved. Oh, be honest, he thought. He wanted to be the only one in her life, and he wasn't willing to share. His mother had found something better than him and had taken off like a bat out of hell. He knew in his heart that Angela would never do that. But he was afraid he would. Sticking to anything except his career and his relationship with Angela was all he'd ever done consistently in his life.

  And now she wouldn't see him or talk with him. He'd given her only a day before he'd called her. She thought it was over between them. He knew it was just beginning. Yet after leaving a few phone messages and getting no response, he'd staked himself out on her doorstep at six in the morning, only to look like a complete fool and learn she was at Katherine Davenport's. And Kat, being ever the loyal sorority sister, wouldn't let him talk to her.

  That was over three weeks ago. She'd quit doing her Wife Incorporated duties so the closest he'd been to Angela was to hear her voice on the radio every night when he couldn't sleep. Then he couldn't sleep because he was worrying about her and wanting to hold her and tell her he only needed a chance. A chance he knew she wouldn't give him.

  It infuriated him that she wouldn't marry him.

  And he wondered if she would have, even if she wasn't carrying his child. The thought tortured him.

  His charge nurse, Sandy, popped her head in. "You want some lunch? Alice is going down to the deli on the corner."

  "Yes, that'd be great." He handed her some money, enough to buy them all lunch. Maybe it would help his mood.

  She stepped inside the office, glancing around. "Didn't Angela stop in? I just saw her in the OB/GYN."

  Lucas was out the door like a shot, panic simmering through him. Why would she be at the clinic this early in her pregnancy unless something was wrong? He pushed through the double doors, striding to the desk and asking for Joyce, her doctor. The nurse buzzed her office, and a moment later, the older woman stepped into the hall, her brows knitted.

  "Lucas, this is a surprise. An emergency?"

  "No, no. Was Angela just here?"

  "You know I can't tell you that, it's privileged—"

  "Let him in, Joyce," he heard Angela call.

  Lucas stepped inside and around the curtain. "Angela," he said, and he heard the quiver in his voice.

  She lifted her gaze to his, and Lucas felt electrified at the sight of her. Just to look into her eyes again made his spinning emotions settle. All this heartache was worth a moment with her. Suddenly, his mind skipped to the last time he'd seen her and the last words she'd said to him. About being the only one in love in this relationship. It was a lie. She wasn't alone. He was here, had always been here, and in that instant, Lucas recognized what had been inside his heart all these years. He loved her. Truly, madly loved her.

  But she wouldn't believe him. Not when she knew everything about him and believed he couldn't love her enough. But I do, he thought. Oh, God, I do.

  His gaze swept her beautifully tormented face, then down over her body. Stretched out on the exam table with paper gowns and sheets covering her, her abdomen was exposed, gel shining on her skin.

  The baby.

  The doctor came to the side and picked up the sensor. She glanced meaningfully at Lucas, and Angela nodded.

  The doctor scanned her tummy. Lucas swallowed, very aware that the ultrasound was normal. But the test was a bit too soon.

  "Why so early?"

  "I had some bad cramps last night and this morning, Lucas," Angela said, her voice wavering.

  His heart dropped to his feet, his eyes going wide. "Spotting?" he asked rushing closer, taking her hand and pulling a stool beneath him.

  She shook her head.

  He stared into her eyes and wanted to erase the fear he saw blooming there. The problems between them faded with the situation. Their child's life hung in the balance, and he muttered silent prayers that their baby was fine and healthy.

  "It's going to be all right," he whispered, and she lifted her gaze to his.

  Angela didn't have to think. She knew he meant it. Lucas adored children and spent his entire career fighting to save them. He simply hadn't wanted one of his own.

  "There she is," Joyce said. "And everything looks perfect."

  They both stared at the screen, watching for movement.

  "Thank God," Angela whispered, and heard Luc's long-held breath expel. "How can you make anything out of that?" she added, squeezing Lucas's hand.

  It was Lucas who leaned over and pointed. "There." He traced legs and an arm. "And there's the heartbeat." He swallowed thickly, and his gaze shot to her. She was smiling, touching the screen. His child, alive and well. And growing inside Angela.

  A fresh bolt of happiness spread through him, and he cupped her face, pressing his forehead to hers. "She has a heartbeat," was all he could manage to say.

  "Oh, Lucas." Angela choked on her tears, and Joyce wiped off her tummy, then slipped out of the exam room, leaving them alone.

  Tears spilled, running down into her hair at her temples. Lucas kissed her softly, tenderly, pulling her upright. He smoothed his hands over her hair, pushing it off her face, then kissed her tears.

  "You didn't have to go through this alone," he whispered, brushing his mouth over hers and reveling in the feel and scent of her. "Why didn't you call me?"

  "I, ah…" She fell into his kiss briefly, deeply, then drew back. "I never wanted to force you into being involved."

  "I am involved." I'm in love with you. He wanted to shout at her but knew that would only shut another door between them right now.

  "You know what I mean. I can manage alone."

  "But you don't have to."

  "Yes, Lucas, I do." She hopped off the exam table and reached for her clothes.

  "For the love of Michael, why are you being so stubborn?"

  Her gaze flashed to his. "I don't want to let myself in for more disappointment."

  Her words left a bleeding trail across his heart. "Dammit, when could you not count on me, huh?" He answered for her. "Not once, Ange. I've always been there for you. I was there in the making of this child, and I'll be there when she arrives." The determination in his voice made her freeze.

  "Don't you dare tell anyone."

  "You won't have to in a couple of months." As she dressed Lucas noticed the changes in her body, her breasts rounder, heavier, her tummy gaining a slight roundness. He didn't want to miss a moment of this, he realized.

  "I'll deal with that then."

  God, he wanted to shake some sense into her. "Have you told your parents?"

  "Nope. Call me chicken."

  She shouldn't have to be scared. She shouldn't have to tell them alone, either. "I'll go with you."

  "No. It's best for you if you don't say a word."

  "If you think I'm going to let the world think that baby is from a test tube, you're nuts."

  She straightened her clothing and grabbed her purse. "Say a word to anyone, Lucas, and I'll never forgive you." She walked across the room and slipped into Joyce's office, closing the door.

  Lucas could have sworn he heard Angela sobbing. Angela had grown damned tough on him, and he was wondering exactly how he was going to break through the wall she was rapidly building between them.

  They'd been buddies for fifte
en years, now lovers, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life being both. He loved her. God, he loved her so much it hurt to look at her, think about her. But she wouldn't believe him. And there wasn't much on his side to convince her otherwise. He had a past that screamed he wasn't ready for anything like this. But that was then. This was now.

  Angela needed him, whether she wanted to admit it or not.

  He had to find a way past her stubbornness.

  * * *

  Out in the back yard of her parents' house, the house she grew up in, Angela put on her best smile, her happiest attitude for her father's birthday. And she was happy. Lucas's child was growing inside her, and she loved her baby as much as she loved the father. She kept her spirits up by thinking about what their child might look like. Would she have Luc's hair color or hers? His eyes? She couldn't ignore the fact that she'd be looking into the face of the man she loved every time she looked at her child. But marrying him was just not in the cards.

  She couldn't do that to him. Force him to commit when she knew it just wasn't in him. And even though she had planned on artificial insemination and raising a child alone, everything had changed. Everything. Because it was Lucas's baby. And dammit, she and her baby deserved more than a man who was only with them because it was the right thing to do.

  "Okay, enough of the downer face, Angela Marie," her mom, Sally, said, shifting Angela's attention to the party. "Your dad managed to survive years of marriage to me and father to all of you, so let's celebrate."

  Angela smiled. Her mom had made a big production out of her father's sixtieth birthday, beginning with a barbecue, games and the best cake in town. And Dad was loving every second of the attention. He even went so far as to wear a party hat and shoot silly string at the grandkids.

  As the afternoon wore on, though, Angela grew tired of the questions about Lucas. He wasn't here because of her, and she felt bad about it. He hadn't missed this event for fifteen years. He'd even flown in for the weekend once, just for the occasion.

  When the cake was a massacre from kiddie fingers swiping at frosting and the candles were out, Angela knew she couldn't put this off any longer. It might be the only time she had them all together for weeks. It was time to tell them.

  With her family around her, Angela tried to gather her nerve. "I've some news."

  Her parents looked at her with expectation.

  "A promotion?" her dad said.

  She shook her head.

  "A new beau?" her mom asked, a twinkle in her eyes.

  "Sort of." She glanced briefly at Sarah and drew a long breath. "I'm going to have a baby."

  There was dead silence. A circle of shocked faces stared at her, and Angela felt every pair of eyes land on her like hammers.

  "Surprise," Angela said with a pitifully weak smile.

  Sarah inched forward and said softly, "So you went and did it, huh?"

  "Did what?" her father demanded, pulling off his party hat.

  Before Angela could speak, Sarah said, "She was planning on being artificially inseminated."

  "Oh, for the love of God," her mother said, dropping into the nearest lawn chair.

  "I tried to talk her out of it."

  "Why would you do such a thing?" her mother asked.

  "She didn't," a voice said from behind, and Angela tensed.

  Everyone turned as Lucas strode across the lawn, a package tucked under his arm.

  Angela stared at him, a warning in her eyes. "What do you mean, she didn't?" Sally asked glancing between Lucas and Angela. "Are you pregnant or not, honey?"

  "Yes, she is," Lucas said as he stopped directly in front of her, setting the gift for Evan aside. "But she didn't get that way by artificial insemination."

  Angela's entire body wrung with anger. "Lucas, don't."

  Lucas turned his gaze to the only family he'd ever known and took the risk of his life. Smiling, he said, "She got that way because of me. The baby is mine."

  * * *

  Chapter 11

  « ^ »

  "So when is the wedding?" Her father's deep voice rumbled into the sudden silence, and Lucas felt Evan's gaze on him, judging him.

  "I've tried. I asked," Lucas said, his gaze locked on Angela. Her eyes were screaming at him, shouting, How dare you? and he knew that she was going to be furious for a long time.

  Lucas didn't care. He refused to allow her to raise his baby alone. Not while he was around. And he would be around. Forever, God willing. Nor would he give her any more chances to push him away. He wasn't like his parents. He would never abandon her. Never abandon his child. It wasn't in him. He'd realized that last night, in the middle of eating dinner alone. A meal she'd prepared for him. He knew he couldn't go another second without doing something. Something drastic. And if she was mad, then so be it. She'd get over it. He knew her well enough to count on that. But the worse thing in his life would be to lose her and live the rest of his days alone.

  He was tired of being alone.

  "It's about time," Sally said.

  Angela looked at her mother, shocked. "What?"

  "I said it's about time. We've seen it all along."

  "Seen what?" She glanced at her family, ending with her mom.

  "The way the two of you stare at each other when you know the other isn't looking. How a conversation doesn't go the limit without you mentioning Lucas."

  Beside her Luc grinned.

  Then Sarah said, "Took you long enough to wake up and smell the coffee, sister."

  Angela shifted her gaze to her sister. "You, too?"

  "Yeah." Sarah kept eating her piece of birthday cake. "We've been speculating over it for the past ten years or so. Behind your back, of course." Sarah turned to her brother Blaine, her hand out. "You owe me five bucks."

  "You bet on me?" Angela said.

  "Hey, it was a sure thing," Sarah said, pocketing the cash.

  "You bet against me!" Lucas said to Blaine.

  Blaine shrugged. "Angela's always been hardheaded."

  "Heck," Ford said to Lucas. "I thought you took her virtue."

  "Good grief, Ford. A little short on tact, huh?" Megan, Jason's wife, said to the oldest Justice son, giving him a sour look. "Maybe that's why you're still single, too."

  Lucas laughed shortly. "I wish that were the case, but no."

  Angela elbowed him, hard. "Bobby Roy Jensen had that honor," Angela said, something inside her easing at the thought of every member of her family knowing the truth and approving. Sort of.

  "Gladys's son?" Sally peeped, stunned. "Oh, Lord, save me from hearing any more of that kind of talk."

  "Then I guess you don't want to hear how Luc beat the tar out of him," Marc said, winking at his wife, Sarah.

  Angela looked at Lucas. "I liked him."

  He smiled thinly. "I didn't."

  She scoffed, "Oh, you're one to talk, bad boy with a switchblade."

  "I want to know when is the wedding!" Evan boomed over the conversation that was getting out of hand and off the subject.

  Everyone looked at her father, and Angela noticed the redness climbing up his neck.

  "Not soon enough for me, Evan."

  "Shut up, Lucas," Angela said, and damn if he didn't grin. "You did this so you would have allies," she murmured.

  "Yup."

  That grin set her teeth on edge, and she felt as if she were being pelted from all sides. Did they think this was easy? Did they believe because they thought it was a great idea, that made it fine and dandy to just up and marry him? "Well, marriage is forever in my book, and it'll take about that long for me to forgive you." She shoved him back and strode through her family and into the house, slamming the door.

  "Excuse me," Luc said, and started to follow her.

  "Leave her be, Lucas," Evan said, rising from his chair.

  Lucas stilled and frowned at the older man.

  "Y'all go on. Party's over," he said to the others, then crooked a finger at Lucas. "Come on, son, we need to chat a bit
." He swiped the bottle of twenty-year-old sour mash his daughter had given him and two paper cups off the table.

  Lucas nodded, something akin to dread working up his spine as they walked to the far end of the yard to the bench. Evan sat and broke the seal on the bottle, splashing his birthday sour mash into the pair of paper cups.

  "Now, tell me why my baby girl won't marry you."

  * * *

  Evan sipped his drink, after handing a cup full to Lucas. He took a conciliatory sip, then sat beside the man he thought of as his father.

  "So?" Evan prodded.

  "She doesn't want me, Evan."

  "She had to want something you had to get pregnant."

  Luc smiled to himself. Always blunt as hell, he thought. "Oh, that's no problem, it's me and forever she doesn't trust."

  Evan snickered. "Just like a woman. Got what she wants all her life and can't understand why she wants it."

  "Well, that's part of it. She doesn't believe I love her."

  "Do ya?"

  Love Angela? The more Lucas thought about it, felt it, the stronger his love for Angela grew. By the day, by the hour. It was as if his heart were a corked bottle, and once it popped, a never-ending river of it flowed through him. And with it came uncertainty.

  "Oh, yes. More than I thought possible."

  Evan eyeballed him, not ready to approve of this just yet. "Did you tell her?"

  "Well, no. Not recently," he added when Evan scowled. "She wouldn't believe me right now, and hell, Evan, she knows how I feel about her. I mean, we risked a lot when we…" Lucas cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Well, you know."